Maddie
By the middle of February, I was four months along and beginning to show.
I wanted to finish my senior year of high school, and that's what I intended to do.
Before Crystal and Julian left for school again, I was straight with them and told them about the pregnancy. After announcing the news to several people, it kind of got easier the more I did it.
I didn't have any classes with my brother, but he ate lunch with me most days so I wouldn't feel so alone.
Since my best friends were in college, and Austin was in Japan, I didn't have many people to talk to.
I had my brother and my good friend, Leah, and that's about it.
Leah was very understanding. She admitted that she, too, had gotten assaulted at a young age. A family friend did that to her, but she didn't get pregnant.
We had English class together, and she told me that she wanted to be there for me.
Being pregnant in high school was hard. The students here are very judgmental. Everyone will talk, but no one will say anything directly to my face. Everyone is nosy. Some of my acquaintances asked if I would be getting married or if I knew who the father of the baby was.
I found it difficult to even concentrate on my schoolwork because I could feel my peers judging me left and right.
None of them try to put their selves in my shoes. Nobody tries to understand.
I told Leah about how I was feeling and she suggested I go to therapy or talk to the school counselor.
“I used to go to therapy all the time,” she said at lunch today. “It really helped me.”
I was actually starting to consider it.
* * *
After I sent Austin a snapchat, the idea came to me.
I took a break from my homework assignment, and did more research on pregnancy and caring for a child. I planned buying some books, too.
I wanted to write letters to my baby. I wanted him or her to know how I felt during this time of my life, and I thought it would be a cute thing to do.
I ripped a sheet of paper from my blue notebook and found a pen in my bag.
As I sat with my legs crossed, I started to think of what to write. Or at least, how I should start my letters. I didn't know how many I would write, but that didn't matter.
Dear Baby,
There's still a few months until we meet, and I have so much to share.
I paused, and thought about what I should put next. I didn't want to write about his or her biological father. I didn't want to think about him right now.
You were a huge surprise, but I'm glad I made the decision to keep you. I don't regret it at all.
Life has been absolutely crazy for me, and I'll explain everything another time.
I'm four months along now. I did some research and you're about the size of an avocado now. You're getting so big!
I can't wait to meet you and hold you and give you kisses all over your face. I can't wait to dress you up in cute little outfits, and take you out everywhere so you could see the world.
I promise to take care of you, and love you until I die.
Jen walked by, and stopped in my room. “Everything okay?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I let my fingers linger on the letter I was still writing. “I'm writing a letter... for the baby.”
“You know, I never thought of doing that. That's such a beautiful idea.”
“Thank you.” I smiled.
She didn't stay long. Once she left, I continued to write.
I promise to never leave you. You'll have everything you'll ever need.
You'll be well-fed, and loved beyond recognition. There's so many people who love you, you know that?
I can't even begin to write out a list of all the people who love you. There's too many, and I know they love you already!
I still have a long way to go, but I'm beyond thrilled to see you!
Love, Mom
It felt strange to write that. Mom.
Though I was afraid to admit it, technically, I'm a mother.
The thought blew my mind, so I wrote another letter, but this time, about a different topic: how I met Austin.
Dear Baby,
Life can be really complicated sometimes. And sometimes you don't understand why certain things happen. But you face obstacles and challenges, and you get through them. Then you're a new person in the end of it all.
That's how I feel. I feel like a new person.
When you're old enough to understand, you're probably going to ask a lot of questions, and want to know more about your family.
I'll explain everything to you when the time comes, but I'll tell you about one very special person, and his name is Austin.
Austin came into my life quite unexpectedly. He was there right when I needed him. Years went by before I saw him again, and when I did, we just... clicked. We became fast friends. I didn't even like him at first. But one day, I did. And I can't explain what it's like. You'll feel it for yourself, I'm sure. I'll give you all the advice you need.
I've had a hard life, but I have a feeling that things will get better. It's what I hold on to.
You're gonna be okay, I'll make sure of it. I love you more than you'll ever know.
Love, Mom