Rat-a-tat-tat... Steve's door was tapped lightly by a hesitant hand.
Bucky and Steve immediately cut short Bucky and his' merry conversation and Steve gestured for Bucky to hide in his bedroom as they had discussed nearly a thousand times. Bucky did as practiced and shut the door quietly behind him.
Steve strolled up to the door casually and swung it open with his usual beaming grin.
Sharon was stood there mournfully, her breaths rugged and unsteady and her eyes full of a pain, desperation and loss. She could barely bring herself to look Steve in the eyes. She was nipping the inside of her cheek in unease and her eyes were already lined with tears glistening when she looked up. She was hopelessly forcing herself to be brave and the attempt was damn near futile.
"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't urgent," she croaked weakly, her throat tight and restricted and her voice was sickeningly hoarse and her expression was even more pained. She looked tired and solemn.
Steve's stomach clenched and twisted in his body, it was like someone had shoved a knife in his gut and was twisting it. He felt goose bumps bubble up on his skin and his heart race. He didn't want to listen; he knew something was very wrong. Awfully wrong. Gravely wrong. His smile diminished to dust.
"But..." She spluttered, choking horribly as she tried to hold back the disobedient tears that had gathered. "She... Uhm..." Her voice trailed off and she placed a fingertip carefully to one of her blue eyes and dabbed away the droplet that had just spilled. "She hasn't got long left..." Her voice trailed off and she looked straight through Steve, a look of frustrated sorrow on her face; her eyebrows drawing together and her features tightening.
Steve let out a shuddering breath. The words had been a crippling blow and he felt his whole body turn cold and his heart sink in his chest. His worst nightmare had come and it was time to face his demons.
"I think she'd appreciate it if you were there when she..." She screwed her lips up into a pout, sucking them in, trying to contort her face in such a way that the tears receded back into her eyes; but she couldn't do it. She just shook her head.
"If it's a family thing... And its personal, I wouldn't want to intrude..." He said in a soft voice, his hands clasped formally in front of him, his gaze lowered with respect like an obedient soldier.
"She'd want you there... I..." She sucked in a breath sharply. "I want you there... It's only right."
Steve's eyes filled with sullen tears and in the absence of a tongue that had the ability to form words he just nodded completely mutely. He felt like he had a gag tied over his mouth and someone had poked him in the eyes with the tears that were gathering. "I'll... Uh..." He put a thumb to the flat behind him.
"Sure... Just be quick..." She was tapping her foot impatiently on the ground, tapping it in a frenzy of discomfort. Sharon's heart was breaking in her chest and though she tried not to overthink on it, she was lost in the dark mind-set. She was anticipating the horrendous thing to come and fighting against in all she could, denying it, forcing it away; trying to make every moment last.
Its times like that you appreciate just how valuable and tight time is and how you can't afford to waste a moment.
"Bucky..." Steve said in a hushed voice, rushing to the bedroom. "Buck..." Steve walked in to see him sat neatly on the bed like a Buddhist monk in meditation, crossed legged and catatonic.
"Yeah?" Bucky tilted his head up to look at Steve.
"I'm going to be out this evening... And back late. I just thought you should know," Steve bowed his head quickly and removed himself from the environment sharply. "If you need anything, call me on the mobile I got you..." He called and made his way back to the door, grabbing his brown leather jacket and rushing out the door.
They travelled up in Sharon's car; an armoured black SHEILD Chevrolet. It was a big beast, but it was comfortable and spacious.
"How long did they say?" Steve uttered, his hands in his lap and his eyes straight ahead on the road. He rubbed his foot on the back of his calve self-consciously, squirming in the seat; unsettled and unhappy.
"About an hour..." Sharon whimpered weakly, biting at her lip to keep up the unfazed pretence, to try and maintain a sense of professionalism around her colleague; she was still struggling to see The Captain as just a friend.
"What is it?" He asked, referring to whatever condition might be the one to finally end her long and valiant life.
"Her lungs. Cancer, stage 4. It was too late for treatment when we found out... She didn't want to go through chemo and radiotherapy either... I don't blame her; it's not pleasant. It would trash an already deteriorated quality of life." Sharon's eyes ghosted over with tormented grief and her face went pale as if she'd just seen a ghost. She choked out a stressed breath and blinked slowly, distressed greatly by the memory of when she'd found out.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" He looked over to her with disdain and disappointment, his heart screwing up tight in his chest. He tried not to be angry... But he was mostly aggravated by the sadness of not making every moment more precious. Her life was ticking away, slipping away like sand in an hour glass and he wasn't there to watch the grains fall away. He didn't want to turn up to late, when the hourglass had run dry.
She shrugged, sniffling lightly. "I didn't want to plague you with all of the stress of it. You didn't need it." She felt guilt sizzle through her veins and poison her aching heart; frying it in her chest.
They arrived at the hospital not much longer later, after driving systematically around the car park for a significant amount of time, turning corners and seeking out spaces they could fit the monstrous car into. They managed to find one big enough and dashed off to reception together.
After politely inquiring, they were pointed in the right direction - the cancer ward.
They strolled down the quiet whitewash corridors, stalking the halls like spectres. The whole corridor reeked of disinfectant and the pungent smell bit at their nostrils; it was like the whole place had been scrubbed within an inch of its life; in all fairness it had - an unhealthy amount of blood had been sloshed on the floors, along with other bodily fluids and a sterile environment was key.
"This is the place..." Sharon murmured quietly as they came to the door of the private room they had shut her away in.
Her eyes were shut, loosely shut, wrinkled and closed. Even though the years were showing on her face; she didn't look any less beautiful to Steve. She looked like the Peggy Steve had always known.
At the sound of the door opening, Peggy's dark brown eyes fluttered open, narrowing as she tried to single out the blurry figure wandering in. She couldn't quite make out who it was; but she could see a pair of bright blue eyes and a wave of blond hair.
Steve strolled up casually and stood at the foot of her bed, placing his hand on the metal pole at the end, resting there.
"Where are the others?" Steve asked Sharon.
"They'll be coming soon," Sharon said quietly back to him. "I thought you'd appreciate some time alone with her before they arrived," she said quietly and gave him a brisk nod before leaving. "You have about 5 minutes."
The heart monitor was bleeping rhythmically in the corner of the room and the sound of Peggy's wheezing breathing filled the room. A cannula was plugged up in her nose and IV lines were slotted in her arm, with fluids running in bead-like droplets into her veins, along with a whole load of tangled grey wires wired up to a heart monitoring system. Drip bags dangled from silver frames by her bedside and flowers of condolence were stuffed onto the small end table.
The curtains were drawn and the door was shut - they were alone.
"Doctor Sparrow..." She coughed hoarsely. "Is that you?" She gasped breathlessly; the strain in her breaking lungs audible.
"No, Peggy..." Steve uttered the two words with great pleasure - just waiting for the enthralled voice when she realised it was him for the fifth... No, sixth time.
All Steve was, was a haze to her, too far afield, but she would recognise that voice no matter how many years went by. It was like the introduction to a song she hadn't heard in a while - she wasn't sure what it was at first, but when she realised, the happiness was euphoric.
"Oh my god..." She tearfully whimpered, gasping again. "Oh my god... Steve!" She reached out to him with one limp zombie-like hand that was trembling and shaking. She could barely keep it up before it dropped to her side, she clawed at the sheets when she couldn't reach any further, almost trying to haul herself up to a sitting position.
Steve rushed forwards and dropped into a squat and he grasped her hand preciously, like the fragile object it was. He placed a kiss on the back of her hand. She was already cold.
"You're alive!" She wheezed, her voice full of wonder and realistic pure joy. She gazed elatedly at him; her eyes drawing into focus. He hadn't aged a day and she was in wonderment. She was shocked to the bone. "You came back... Steve... Oh, Steve..." She sighed. She choked uncomfortably as the tears started running from her old bejewelled eyes, glistening lines painting themselves on her cheeks. Her sobbing sounded pained and was punctuated with staccato grunting coughs, being concealed by her sealed lips.
Steve felt like he had just taken a round of bullets to the chest, and that the wound was open and bleeding, pouring out gallons of his life's blood onto the floor; pouring in one thick gloopy stream. It hurt like a 3rd degree burn but he smiled through the pain; knowing he had to do it for Peggy. He didn't want one of the last things she saw to be him crying; even if it was in joy.
"Hey... I could never leave my best girl hanging. You still owe me that dance," he reminded her. "Remember? You promised."
She stared blankly at him, gazing into his teary blue eyes and regret and upset crossed her features. She shook her head. More of her had slipped away. She was losing her body and her mind. The worst thing was, she knew it. Everyone kept asking her about things she couldn't remember.
"It doesn't matter..." Steve sighed peacefully, patting her gently on the hand.
"You're here... That's all that matters," she sighed the words with ardour. She smiled sweetly at him, her eyes wrinkling lightly and her saggy cheeks picking up. She looked pale and skinny and at the very lowest point of her life. "I thought I'd never see you again..." She wept and let mewling fearful sobs escape. The sobbing quickly turned into coughing and spluttering, but it was recoverable.
"Hey... Breathe, don't forget to breathe..." He said soothingly, stroking her hand to calm her down.
"It's not me... It's the cancer," she said a little more sharply in her British accent. "I'm trying... I promise." She glanced down at where her frail bony hand lay in his palm, their fingers loosely interlocked. "I thought you'd never come back... You fell, into the sea..." She was suffering quite tangibly, looking sickly and pale under the clinical harsh glare of the hospital lights.
"I'm out. They thawed me from the ice," he explained, rubbing small circles into the back of her hand with his thumb affectionately. It was the sixth time he'd told the story and she'd said nearly the same thing as the time before... And the time before that... And the time before.
He was really regretting that he turned Sharon down on coming to see her the other day.
"How did you find me?" She was trembling infirmly in the bed and looking attentively at him with dull tired eyes; wherein lay the true soul of Peggy Carter. When he gazed deeper he could see the youthful woman that lay beneath the decrepit mask. She was still in there; the one and the same.
"Your great niece contacted me... We're neighbours," he said conversationally.
"Ah yes... Shelley..." She stopped and screwed up her face, horror spreading like wildfire and fear in her wide brown eyes. She knew it was wrong. "Sarah... Sa... Sally?" She listed off similar names with shaky lips. "Uhm..." She look terrified, lost in her own scrambled mind, digging around in the dusty corners gathering cobwebs trying to find the one.
"Sharon," Steve stated confidently. "Sharon Carter. Sharon told me," he confirmed, trying to erase the doubts in her mind - or at least fill the gaps.
"Why did she call you here?" Peggy inquired, blinking slow with her long lashes.
"They said..." He shook his head. "I just wanted to visit." Clearly she had forgotten that she hadn't got long left. Steve assumed she was probably notified; but he was going to let her die without having to fear her incoming demise. "It feels like a lifetime since I last saw you..." Tears lined his bright blue eyes, tears that were too fuzzy for Peggy to see.
"Yes..." She agreed, some more tears running down her face.
"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner," Steve said regrettably, looking down in his true embarrassed fashion and looking back up to her again; smiling gently. "I've been a little tied up," he admitted sadly.
"I'm just glad you're here. It's wonderful to see you. There's not a day on your beautiful face." She reached out with her barely energised arm and cupped his cheek, stroking his soft skin; amazed at how preserved her was. "You haven't changed at all Steve," Peggy sobbed, her breath and her voice escaping her, she was rasping like she had just sprinted the entirety of a marathon.
"And nor you... You're still my gorgeous gal..."
She let a small bubbly laugh escape, a small rugged gasping laugh amongst all the crying she was going. "I probably look a state..." She wept relentlessly.
"You look beautiful," he promised. He leant in and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead, brushing her long white hair out of her face and grinning at her; showing her his laugh for the last time.
"Thank you," she whispered with gratefulness.
"I only wish I'd come and seen you sooner, Peggy," he uttered regrettably.
"Don't blame yourself. You're here now, today... And I've never forgotten you..."
"I let you down... I let you believe that I was dead..." He was feeling sorry for her and himself.
"Please don't blame yourself, Steve. You're a hero... You're my hero." She choked out another struggled sob and then she started choking. She broke down into a wracking and coughing fit. She was chortling and gaping. She tried to drag more air into her lungs, but it wouldn't come.
"Peggy..." Steve whispered with concern, squeezing her limp hand a little tighter. "Peggy, please..."
Her eyes were wide like dishes and she continued to cough and choke, her eyes were darting about in panic. She was too choked up to find any words or any air. She needed help.
The heart monitor stuttered, the peak a little delayed in its appearance.
"Sharon!" Steve called to the blonde lingering outside the door. "Sharon!" He yelled again, trying not to harm Peggy's sensitive ears.
Sharon rushed in, swinging the door open with a loud crash when she heard the shouting.
The heart rate was plummeting and a loud beeping sound started sounding, repetitive. It was the cardiac arrest alarm. It was trilling in their ears and overtaking the small room. It was deafening.
"Peggy, stay with me, my brave fighter," Steve tried to comfort her as her choking got worse and her head got dizzier. Her vision was getting fuzzier and the pain in her chest was unbearable. He tried to smile, but tears were drowning him, racing down his cheeks, spilling onto the bedspread she was laid under.
A whole platoon of doctors with stethoscopes and white long coats burst into the room, gathering around the bed. Equipment was rushed in behind them and Steve and Sharon were pushed back. They were talking loudly, all in a fuss and flustered. Everyone had gone into panic mode.
"Peggy!" Steve called through the group of doctors, rocking onto his tiptoes and pushing down on their shoulders to look down at his dying friend.
"Sir, you need to leave," a doctor demanded in a serious tone, turning to him and shoving him back by the chest, his firm hands pushing him away.
"No! I'm not leaving her alone with you!"
The sound of the wailing heart rate monitor got even pitchier and more frequent, loud and clear
Steve and Sharon were shoved back, being ushered out the room and eventually the door was shut in their faces and they were blocked.
All they could do was wait and look through the dim unclean window in the door, watching all of their desperate attempts to keep her alive. They were helpless, useless, they could only stare as she suffered. They couldn't do anything. Steve didn't want to watch, but he couldn't tear his eyes away.
After 2 minutes she was still suffering. After 5 minutes she flat lined. After 15 minutes, they had given up all hope.
The staff all left the room with their heads bowed and low, shaking their heads. One of the particularly young doctors was crying, tears dripping down his face and sniffling as he went.
"I'm so sorry..." Said an older man, patting Steve on the shoulder as he went past.
All he could hear was the monotonous drone of the flat line, ringing out in his ears, consuming all of his senses. He was deaf to anything else, blind to the world around him. The only thing that he was aware of was the flat line.
Steve fell down onto a chair outside her room and put his face in his hands, hiding himself. He was too shocked to cry at first, suspended in sheer disbelief. He couldn't believe what had just happened. He couldn't conceive it. He was denying it in his own mind. He repeated the scene in his head.
He couldn't do it. He couldn't face it. He couldn't understand it.
The world faded out around him and he was left in his grief in his little corner of the universe, isolated and alone.
He wept. He cried silently, sniffling to himself, tears just rolling down his cheeks unstoppably. There was nothing he could do to stop it and he wasn't even going to try. He was wrapped up in a ball of existential doubt, crippling heartbreak and intense sorrow and it was inescapable.
"No, no..." Sharon whispered to her family as they arrived, warning them back from Steve, giving him time to deal with his grief and finding somewhere for them all to grieve elsewhere.
The flat line stopped. The plug was pulled. All that was left was the drowning silence and Steve had sunk to the bottom of the abysmal ocean.
A/N - One tear was shed in the production of this chapter; rest in peace Peggy Carter.
I know it was a long one, but I needed a good send off for our dearly beloved.
Dedication goes to firelementalist. x