I'm pretty sure you all know that paragraph of that letter. No, not that paragraph, that paragraph. The one with dick jokes and hella lots of teasing. The one in which Hamilton tells Laurens to look for a wife for him and gives him a lot of unnecessary specifications on how that woman should be because he's salty about the fact that Laurens never told him about his wife or child.
Well, there is this theory that when describing his "perfect wife", Hamilton was actually describing Laurens. If that's true then that's good because we get to read more about Laurens personality! (And it's also extremely cute).
So let's see what the letter says:
Such a wife a[s] I want will, I know, be difficult to be found _ but if you succeed, it will the stronger proof of your zeal and dexterity_
•Dexterity most often refers to the skill with one's hands. Possibly a sexual innuendo? It's Hamilton who we are talking about so very likely.
Take her description[_] She must be young_ handsome
•Young? Check✔️
•Handsome? Definitely check✔️
(I lay most stress upon a good shape)
•This could be referring to the fact that Laurens was physically fit and considered quite handsome, but it also reads as a sexual innuendo.
sensible (a little learning will do)_
•Given his extensive education with private tutors and European schools, I'd say that Laurens was quite smart and certainly a learned man.
well bred (but she must have an aversion to the word ton)
•Laurens was definitely well bred so another check mark here ✔️
•In the 18th century the word "ton" referred to fashionable society, so this is basically another easy check mark right here ✔️
•Though from the upper-class himself, Laurens repeatedly discussed his desires for social, racial, and economic equality, and he fought for each of these to varying extents. In this way, Laurens demonstrated his aversion to maintaining the status quo of the high society in that time period.
chaste and tender (I am an enthusiast in my notions of fidelity and fondness)
•This could easily describe the "fidelity and fondness" that Laurens was demonstrating in his relationship with Hamilton. Additionally, the remark about "fidelity" could also be a jab at Laurens over the recent marriage reveal (because Hamilton is a ducking tease).
of some good nature_ a great deal of generosity (she must neither love money nor scolding, for I dislike equally a termagant and an œconomist)_
•This brings us back the line about being "well bred." Though Laurens was rich and frequently a heavy spender (coffcoffshopaholiccoffcoff), he also refused to take pay for his military service and openly discussed his desire for equal wealth for everyone.
In politics, I am indifferen[t] what side she may be of_ I think I have arguments that will easily convert her to mine_
•Now this one is a little harder to explain in relation to Laurens. Laurens and Hamilton seemed to have very similar political opinions, so Hamilton likely did not have to convert Laurens to his side very often. Hamilton could be saying that his love for Laurens would always supersede any differences they had over politics. Then again this isn't a very strong argument.
As to religion a moderate stock will satisfy me_ She must believe in god and hate a saint.
•This appears to be an accurate description of Laurens's religion. We know that Laurens was some form of Christian and believed in God, but he rarely mentions religion or God in any of his letters (I don't think he made mention of religion in his letters after his teenage years).
But as to fortune, the larger stock of that the better_ You know my temper and circumstances and will therefore pay special attention to this article on the treaty_ _ Though I run no risk of going to Purgatory for my avarice; yet as money is an essential ingredient to happiness in this world_ as I have not much of my own_ and as I am very little calculated to get more either by my address or industry; it must needs be that my wife, if I get one, bring at least a sufficiency to administ[er] to her own extravagancies
•As I have mentioned before, Laurens was, basically, loaded he certainly falls into the financial category that Hamilton preferred. The last line here could also be poking fun at Laurens for his desire for certain "extravagancies" during the war (Remember #GiveJohnLaurensHisFancyClothesAndHairPowder?)
NB You will be pleased to recollect in your negotiation that I have no invincible antipathy to the maidenly beauties & that I am willing to take the trouble of them upon mys[elf_]
•"Maidenly beauties" likely refers to a virgin of some sort, and it's heavily implied that Hamilton took on the "trouble" of Laurens's "virginity." In this discussion, we should remember that "virginity" does not have to be and should not be reduced to an argument of who took on what position during intercourse. Rather, we can glean that Laurens was likely involved with Hamilton in a way he had never been involved with a man before.
If you should not readily meet with a lady that you think answers my description you can only advertise in the public papers and doubtess you will hear of many competitors for most of the qualifications required, who will be glad to become candidates for such a pr[ize] as I am. To excite their emulation, it will be necessary for you in to give an account of the lover_ his size, make, qua[lity] of mind and body, [ach]ieve[me]nts, expectations, fortunes, &c_ In drawing my picture, you wil[l] no doubt be civil to your friend_ mind you do justice to the length of my nose and don't forget, that I [never spared you of pictures]_
•The fact that Laurens was familiar with the finer details of Hamilton's dick is highly suggestive that Laurens and Hamilton had a, you know, intimate relationship.
IF this theory is true, with this we learned a lot of stuff about Laurens, that Hamilton was a salty and teasing little shit, but that he also was a very cheesy boyfriend.