Ever since Cece left, things have been different. Mason started to be himself again and we have been hanging out a lot lately. Doing activities like; swimming in the sea, shopping (getting kicked out of stores), watching movies at night ect. The only thing is that Jake and I haven't bee active. It's weird because whenever Mason and I are mad at each other or we are just not talking, Jake and I are close. But when Mason and I are best friends again he's quiet. Can I not have two guys at the same time? Is that too much to ask for?
My father and I are going to watch the sunrise today, as he promised. Everyone deserves a second chance but not everyone will agree with me, but think about it. If you were to do something so wrong and that person can never forgive you. How would you feel? You'd feel terrible and filled with guilt, right? You would want a second chance to make things right and do anything to fix the problem.
Everyone deserves forgiveness. Maybe not Payton, but you can't hold grudges against people, it won't fix anything. You might just make the person feel even worse for their actions on they way you are treating them.
Yes, my father did a terrible thing, leaving his family and I am not forgiving him just yet because it takes time to let everything go. He did make me cry so many times when he left and it did seem that he left because of me. But he did not come back to fix anything back then, I wanted him to stay away. But everyone needs a dad, weather you say you do or you don't.
We are leaving at five in the morning and taking a hike on the hill. He said the view is great there. No one will be back and by the time we get back, mt grandma will be making breakfast.
"You ready?" My father asked, knocking on my door.
"Ready as I'll ever be," I smiled.
"I left a note for your mother just in case she wakes up early, even though I highly doubt that," he explains, laughing.
"She's not a morning person," I said, putting my shoes on.
"Trust me, I know," he replied, me laughing along as we walked outside.
"How did you know that the hill had a great view of the sun?" I asked, putting my hair up in a ponytail.
"Believe it or not, I used to stay in this beach house every summer with your mother, grandfather and grandmother," he responded, looking quite happy but I could tell that he was hurting.
"What was my grandfather like back in the day?" I asked in a sad tone as I really didn't know my grandfather that well at all.
"He loved fishing and hunting. He practically lived on the boat and only came off for dinner.I would join him on some of his trips and we would just talk about random things. Your mother was pregnant with Caden one of the summers that we were there and I remember getting a call from your grandmas saying that your mother was in labor. I have never seen your grandpa drive a boat faster than that day; we were by the shore in less than five minutes and we weren't even near the sand. He was a brilliant man and loved to make everyone laugh," he smiled, remembering all the great memories with my grandfather.
"Was he funny?" A tear dropped from my eye, but I tried to smile.
"He was hilarious. You probably took it from him. If he noticed there was an awkward silence, he would crack a joke and make everyone laugh a hoe terrible it was. But some of his jokes were gold and that's how your grandfather and I grew close; from theses terrible riddles he'd preach. Your grandmother and him were a powerful couple; they would do everything together. She taught him how to crochet, sew, do laundry, etc and he taught her how to cook, play piano, garden and so much more," He spoke proudly, my grandfather was really special, especially to my father.
"My grandma didn't know how to cook?" I asked in disbelief.
"She burnt any food she could lay her hands on."
"That's hard to believe."
"Tell me about it," he laughed, rolling his eyes.
"When Caden was born, were you at the hospital?" I really wanted to know how much he cared.
"I was at the hospital before the ambulance got there and I was at the hospital when you were born as well. The doctors had me cut both of your umbilical cords and I was the first one to technically hold Caden and you. I named Caden after the meaning 'knight'. I knew he would be strong and brave to prove everyone that he wasn't scared of anything he came across on. I knew he would make the perfect Caden so I convinced your mother to let me name him. However, when you came along a couple years later, your other was determined to name you Isabella after the Bible. She grew up Catholic and always dreamed of having a girl named Isabella, Bella for short. I loved the name as well so I didn't mind naming you at all."
After some topics about my mother an him and my grandparents, we went to the top of the hill and he wasn't kidding about the perfect view of the sun rising.
We sat down on the grass and stared at the sun popping above the clouds. Everything was perfect. I learned about my family an what they were like and who they turned out to be. My father was actually giving me answers that I desired to have.
I learned for these facts and I finally understand them, but the one thing I haven't asked yet was the question I have been asking myself for the past fourteen years. Why he left. But if I ask the question, it could ruin me and I don't know what to expect him to say.
If he says the one thing that I am dreading for him to say, I would never be the same.Did he leave because of me? That's the only possible solution.
He left when I was three, not when Caden was three. Was I too much for him? Did he regret having another child and didn't want to deal with me? I don't know how I would take his answer to this question, so I stayed silent and enjoyed the present.
We began walking down the hill once the sun rise was over and it was eight o'clock in the morning.My head and thought were all over the place and I could barely walk on how much I am distracted. If I don't ask him my final question, I would never know why he left and what caused him to leave.
"Can I ask you a question?" I asked.
"Sure, shoot," he smiled.
I looked away "why did you leave us? And don't say cause you couldn't give me everything,"now I was staring at him.
"Your really wanna know?"He sighed, fiddling with his thumbs.
"I've never wanted to know something as much as I wanna know this," I insisted.
He took a breath and I was so scared that he will say something that will break my heart even more.
"I left because I didn't have enough money to support Caden and you. I could barely buy groceries for the household, let alone clothes for you and your brother. I felt like I wasn't helping your mother at all and that it would be best if I just left. I was going to come back as soon as I had enough money to support everybody, but it was too late," he explained.
"Did mother know about this?"
"Your mother and I talked about me leaving then coming back, but when we got the divorce,I left on my own. Your mother was just as confused as you and Caden. I left her three letters, one for you one for Caden and one for her. It explained when and why I left. I wrote it the night before my disappearance. I didn't have the strength to say everything I wrote in person. Because if I saw any of you before I left I wouldn't have the courage to leave. But I knew I had to so I left very early in the morning and rented a cheap apartment a few hours away. I never left the state because if you were ever in an accident, I wanted to be there and help you get through it. I didn't want to be further away from my family than I already was."
I didn't know what to think anymore.
"Why didn't you come back like you said you would?"
"When I called your mother years later; You were eight and Caden was ten. By then you already gave up on me and created your own version of why I left. Your mother told me that you blamed yourself, but in no way was that true. I wanted to be there for your first day at school; I wanted to be there for your birthday; and I wanted to be there for the holidays. But if I came back it wouldn't be the same as before. Caden and yourself hated me, and I don't think it was necessary for me to come back and make your lives any worse. Your mother occasionally sent be pictures of you and Caden and that broke my heart even more. To know that I was missing out on my children's lives made me hurt myself. But when Payton came over and explained that you wanted to see me, I didn't think twice about coming over and seeing you,"he explained. I could tell he was telling the truth. He was hurting.
All this made a difference in my head. If only I read the letter he wrote me, I wouldn't have hated him so much and might've forgiven him. He didn't leave because of me or Caden or even my mother, he left because of his own problems. I didn't realize he left because of money and if I knew that earlier, things wouldn't be messed up right now.
He wasn't the only one to ruin our father-daughter relationship. I took a part of it by not reading his letter and no trusting him.