Chapter 81
I was sitting at the dinner table I had been sitting at for a long time. It was awkward. No one was talking and everyone was just staring at each other. Iyaz sat the opposite of me, yet I didn't meet his eyes. I was still mad at him. He made me and Anna come here to have dinner with his family, even though I didn't want to. They're lovely people, and I am forever grateful, but I didn't want to be a burden when they didn't want me here.
"Do you want some more rice? I made it for you" his mother told me. I smiled and held up my plate for her to serve. I was actually very full. I could never eat a lot since my body wasn't used to it, but I felt bad since I knew she made it only because I liked it.
"So.. can you remember like, everything now?" Tuana asked, meeting my eyes. I looked at Iyaz for a second, just as an asssurance, before I turned back towards her.
"No. I remember everything in general, but I can't get into details. Some things I just.. know" I replied. Even I couldn't understand. Some things were just permanently marked in my head, things that I knew were very true.
"What about where you came from?" she asked me.
"California" I replied immediately without thinking. My heart skipped a beat, even though I knew I was from there. It was as if I wasn't talking but my old self was.
"That's not far away. Have you been searching for them?" she asked with a sweeter voice. I couldn't understand what her problem was. She was actually quite nice while I knew she didn't want me there. I was too much of a burden for her brother. A burden.
"Yes, but I have no clue yet" I replied, turning towards my food to stop the conversation. I was amazed at how I handled it lately. I didn't make things awkward or say things out of place, like asking for the next day while talking about something else. I still go to therapy. The speech therapist did the tests on me like Anna told and after that she started the therapy sessions as well. I liked it. It was different than what I had endured when I wasn't with Anna.
"Oh.. well I hope you can find them. Will you move to California then?" she asked again. I closed my eyes for a second and didn't turn towards her. I kept on eating, ignoring what she said. It was a normal question but I also knew why she said that. She wanted me out of here.
We were now sitting in the living room, drinking some tea. The tea was different than at Anna's place and it tasted familiar. I had been nudging Anna the whole time to go but she was ignoring me, carrying on a conversation with the mother of Iyaz. Iyaz was just sitting there, looking down, as if he was in his own thoughts. We haven't really talked tonight and even though it was because of me, I still felt bad. I felt bad that we were like this now. I thought he would understand me more now that I remembered everything but it was the opposite. He was distancing himself the whole time.
Iyaz stood up and walked away without saying anything. I stood up too, following him. He was already at the top of the stairs, and I sprinted to catch up with him. He knew I was coming so he was just standing there.
"What is your problem?" I asked him, crossing my arms in front of my chest. He looked at me and a negative feeling crept up to me.
"Nothing" he said and was about to turn around when I stopped him.
"Iyaz" I said, catching his attention.
"It's nothing" he said, softer this time. I didn't believe it.
"If I didn't know you I would believe that you get affected by something like nothing" I replied. He looked at me in confusion but refused to talk.
"So you force me to come here even though I didn't want to, throw me in the deep with your family and then you have this attitude and don't talk at all?" I said, this time my voice louder. He still looked at me, not saying anything.
"That's not how it works. This is not how it will work" I replied. He then let out a humourless laugh.
"Maybe sometimes I keep things from you so you won't get hurt" he said, his voice much different than his regular, soft voice.
"Sometimes I just need to act different than normal, so that people will move away a bit" he said right after.
"And sometimes I just need some space, just like you do" he said, putting the blame on me. My eyes widened.
"You brought me here today! If you didn't want to, you could've just said. I wouldn't mind" I said in disbelief. He then shook his head, as if he didn't understand me.
"I could want my space, yeah, but that doesn't mean I don't want you around" and with that, he walked away towards his room. I was not letting him go with this so I followed him. I pushed the door after me so it closed with a loud sound.
"And here we are again, going in circles the whole time. Ups downs, ups downs, nothing new" I said, leaning against the door.
"You can go now, since you didn't even want to be here with me in the first place. Thank you for clearing that up" he said, sitting on his bed and not meeting my eyes.
"What happened? Do you think I am a different person just because I remember some things? Do you think I changed, for the worse? Have I really? What has changed then, Iyaz? Am I bitter? Stubborn? Annoying? What is it? Because I remember me still being the clueless, weak girl who can't get over the suffering and who thinks she never will. I am still the naive girl who comes here, only to see you. The naive girl that wastes her time , yet does think it is needed to put some sense into him. If you think I have changed, then you really don't know me. And that really hurts" I said, turning around to get out of there. I was running away again, even though I didn't want to. I wanted to talk about everything and forget these stupid fights happen. Just when I was about to get out, I heard him talk.
"Beau, stay" he said. I closed the door, but didn't turn around.
"It's not that. It's not what you're thinking" he half-whispered. I frowned, not understanding where this was getting at.
"The court. It is tomorrow. And I'm so scared they would win"
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IYAZ WHAT HAPPENIN W YOU MY BABY