Hi Folks, only a short chapter this time. Have the hankies handy.
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I lift the bottle of vodka to my mouth and take several deep swallows, the liquor follows the burning path of the previous drinks I have had but I am yet to feel its effects.
Why can’t I get drunk enough that I can’t feel anything anymore?
I toss the empty bottle aside and watch as it shatters against the other two bottles I have emptied tonight. I reach for another bottle, gin this time, and drink nearly a quarter of the bottle before lowering it to the ground beside me. I glance at the door and consider getting to my feet and going inside for a few moments.
“I found her … her body the next day. Cold, motionless, she’d been a cat and the guy had been driving a small cattle truck …” Dorrington’s words echo in my mind.
I hold my head in my hands as I tightly close my eyes trying to get rid of the fierce burning behind them. My throat feels clogged and despite all of the liquor I’ve drank my stomach feels hollow. I feel empty as if a vital part of me is missing. I lean my head back against the wall and look up at the sky, it’s cloudy and only a few stars can be seen shinning through the darkness.
It’s late and I know I should be going inside and getting some sleep, tomorrow will be another busy day. I glance towards the door, trying to make myself tell myself to get to my feet and go inside. I look away when I realise I had half expected her to be there in the doorway, watching me with that smile on her face.
Oh how I want to see her face one last time! I know she’s gone, but … I need to see it for myself. I still expect to turn around at times and catch sight of her. My arms ache to hold her, my soul aches to hear her laughter once again. I want to hear her teasing her brothers, hear her heart racing as she tries to catch her breath.
“The ground was all rocky. I couldn’t … I put her in a deadfall and cremated her, I couldn’t …” Dorrington had said when asked where her body could be found.
I turn my head and look at the flickering flame of the solitary candle as I imagine flames consuming her body. At least Dorrington had thought to do that, I don’t think I could have handled seeing what a truck had done to that delicate body.
‘It would have been instant,’ I tell myself and shudder at the fear in the back of my mind. ‘It had to have been instant. I can’t stand the thought of her lying there, knowing she was dying. If there is a God please let it have been over before she knew what was happening.’
“We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. I was supposed to give you kitts so we could have a family. We were supposed to grow old together!” I say hoarsely as I feel tears start to escape from my eyes. I swipe at my eyes angrily, I don’t want to be weak and cry. I grit my teeth and turn my face away as I hear the door open, there’s silence for several minutes from whoever is standing there before the door shuts and they retreat inside.
"We were supposed to be together!" I say between gritted teeth refusing to let the tears flow.
I lift the gin bottle and drink half of what is remaining in several long gulps. I want to be numb, I don’t want to feel this pain. But most of all I want to stop wondering if she had been aware of what was happening in those final seconds.