Rainbow Reflection

Chapter 11 - Him

Him :

I move away from the noise and activity beneath the lights and head out into the darkness. The night embraces me like an old friend as I head across the grass towards several trees and the dark shapes on the ground near by. I stop near the new one and sit leaning back against the trunk of the tree that will offer shade through the day as I set my supply of bottles on the ground beside me.

"Hey ..." The single word is all I can utter as my throat closes over with grief. I have so much I want to say but I can't find the words and I bow my head in silence. I have questions I'll never get the chance to ask, answers I need that will never be given. I pinch the bridge of my nose as I feel the familiar burn of tears, they're always so close these days but I refuse to give in to them. Some escape, a few, but I always choke them back.

I reach for a bottle blindly, I don't care what it is as long as it will start the slow descent into muted awareness. This past week I have drank heavily trying to find a way to stop the pain but it remains. The only relief I get is those first waking moments, for a second or two I don't remember she is gone. Then I remember and for a few moments I can't breath, my heart stops beating and I wait to join her. But it doesn't last and I am left to carry on without her.

I put the bottle to my lips and drink as if thirsty, the liquid leaves a fiery path down my throat and heats my stomach. I lower the bottle and wipe the back of my hand across my mouth, I don't want the burn of the alcohol there to remind me of the feel of her lips on mine. I don't want to remember the shape and colour of her eyes or how they changed colour with her moods. I lift the bottle hurriedly and drink deeply, she is close in my mind tonight and her death haunts me.

I hear the distant voices stop for a few moments and know they have noticed I am no longer there. I listen with half my mind as they slowly start talking once again, I am secure in the knowledge they will leave me be. No one will intrude on my grief. I finish what is left of the first bottle and toss it aside, I watch the moonlight glitter on the glass as it rolls a short distance away. The second bottle is slightly harder to open and I grit my teeth with annoyance as the metal of the lid breaks and cuts into the palm of my hand. I hesitate a moment as I eye the darkness of blood welling from the cut before lifting the bottle and pouring the alcohol over my hand. The burn tells me I haven't had near enough to drink yet so I lift the bottle to my mouth and drink.

I turn my head slightly as I hear the light tread of footsteps, a light breeze brings her scent to me and I turn my head away with disappointment. It's not her, not the one I long for with all my heart. I ignore my visitor as she sits beside me, maybe if I ignore her she will go away, I want to be alone. I raise the bottle again and drink, as I lower it a small hand takes it from my hand I hear her take several deep swallows. She chokes briefly before coughing huskily.

"Oh my gosh!" She says and coughs deeply. "How can you drink that!"

I don't answer her, hopefully she will get the hint from my lack of interaction and will go and leave me alone with my misery and memories. I can hear her breathing beside me, the sound light and airy like herself.

"Several of the others told me to leave you be," her voice is soft as she speaks.

' Well why don't you?'

"We all care about you ..." She says and stops with a sad sounding sign. "We get that you're hurting. We all hurt too, she was our friend, we loved her too ..." She breaks off as a growl leaves my throat even though I don't look her way. She is silent for a few minutes and I hope she leaves soon. I just want to be by myself.

"I understand that you're grieving but you can't bury ..." her words anger me and I growl angrily as I turn towards her.

"You don't understand! You have no idea of what it's like!" I snap angrily.

"Don't I?" she asks dryly. "You have a headstone to come to! We have to watch a ghost walking around! This isn't what ..."

"Don't say her name! How can she rest in peace if everyone keeps saying her name?" I demand in agony.

"Okay, okay," she soothes softly. "But think about it, would she have wanted to see you like this? No! She would have wanted you to live! She would have wanted you to have the life she no longer has. She would have wanted you to be happy, to look after everyone she loved. The way you're acting you might as well crawl into a grave and join her ..."

I raise my head slowly and look at her, she's not the one I want here with me but she is the only one here. I brush away the tears that try to escape, forcing them back and under control. I feel a hand rest on the point of my shoulder for a moment before rubbing the back of my shoulders as a chin replaces it on my shoulder.

"It's okay to cry you know," Is whispered softly in my ear. "She was a good person and you loved her. Come on let's go back. Let's celebrate the fact she lived and you had the chance to love her,"

I allow her to pull me to my feet, I stand still a moment and let the bottle fall from my hand. Slowly I walk with her back towards the lights and the people who were gathered to farewell someone they had loved. As I join the group I notice the solitary candle burning by the door, hesitate a moment then walk over and blow it out. There's no way it can light her way home from where she is.