Camila
"I can't do this anymore, Lauren!"
Those six little words had been replaying in my head ever since I had yelled them at Lauren. I couldn't stop hearing them echo in my head the same way they had echoed in my room the day I said them. That whole day had been a mess if I say so. Things were not meant to turn out like that. It should have gone the other way. It would have been the sensible thing to do. It's what I had been wanting.
Yet.
To be honest, if, given the chance to go back and fix it, I wouldn't. She had given me the opportunity on a silver platter and I denied it because I was tired. I had been striving all this time to make up for past mistakes and instead of snatching her up and making her mine, I walked away. There were a million reasons to stay and finally let everything fall into place. However, there were also a million reasons to finally walk away for good. And it was time to let those reasons be good enough excuses for me. It was time to let myself heal. My heart, my body, and my soul deserved to heal from the years of abuse I had put them through. Love had brought me too much grief. Love wasn't only meant to hurt. Love was meant to bring us happiness as well. I wasn't sure if that was possible between Lauren and me at this point.
So instead of letting myself worry about what was going on, I focused on the collaboration with Machine Gun Kelly. The song was going to feature an interpolation of Out of My Head by Fastball which would be the hook. I was pretty excited for this little side project. I was glad to have something to occupy my mind during these troubling times.
"We're a sad, depressing bunch of individuals sitting in a dressing room, in the venue we're performing at, and we're ignoring each other for stupid reasons instead of creating memories."
For the first time in weeks, practically since I had told them about my plan B, Ally spoke to us all. Tension was high. Emotions were scattered. Loyalty was nowhere to be found. We were exactly what Ally had described. Lauren and I weren't speaking to each other. Ally and Dinah barely spoke a word to the rest of us. Lauren and Dinah still weren't talking since Lauren blew up on Dinah. Normani and I were the only ones who were talking to one another. If you could call it talking. We both were a mess. I was sulking from breaking off things for good with Lauren and Normani was beyond sulking from her little impromptu break-up Dinah.
"Whatever it is you're trying to do Ally, I'm out. I can't do this right now." Lauren's tone was low and monotone. The usual rasp and happiness were notably absent. Her eyes were cast down and didn't dare to look at any of us. "Keep me out of whatever you want to bestow upon us. I don't deserve it."
Lauren got up from the chair she had been sitting on with her phone in her hand and walked away from the dressing room. Seeing her walk away, leaving the dressing room in such a morose mood only brought on memories of all the times we had both done that. In laughter, bitterness, anger, loneliness, in love, jealous, elated, etc. Our sentiments were spread throughout the world, at different venues, buses, airplanes, hotel rooms, interview rooms, cars. Those sentiments were scattered like ghosts and more than likely haunted those places. And in the dead of the night, they gathered and in unspoken words, they whispered on the walls so that those who stepped inside the four walls would hear the walls speak all the things we were unable to say out loud. Those locations spoke volumes about the love we dare not entertain. At least that is what my romantic side liked to ponder from time to time.
"I know we've all said things we didn't mean and I think it's best that the four of us clear the air while Lauren is away from the room."
"There's nothing to say, Ally," Dinah said flatly. Her body language screamed she was annoyed with the topic that Ally had brought up. I was sure Google Earth could capture it. Anyone on this Earth could see that Dinah was uncomfortable and really not delighted with Ally's suggestion.
"I agree. There's no point in trying when I'm planning to leave." I agreed. Plan B was my plan. I had told Roger, my manager, to get me out of the contract for Fifth Harmony. I needed to work on myself and the only way I was going to do that was by leaving the group. I didn't belong here anymore. The girls didn't feel like home to me, not like they used to. Not like the way we used to be when we first started out. Long gone were the golden days. We were at each other's throats instead.
"If that's what you need to do, then I'll be behind you 100%, Mila." My eyes connected with Ally's. I nodded slightly, grateful that she was thinking with her head straight.
"So now you're on her side? Where's the loyalty? If she's jumping ship, we all might as well give up."
"Dinah, I need you to pull your head out of your ass and pay attention to everyone around you for once. Don't you see how unhappy Mila is? Don't you care about her happiness as well as ours? Do you really want to continue to hurt Mani too? Lauren is suffering as well. Haven't you noticed the way she's been acting since we came back from break? Or how upset I am too?
"Do you honestly believe I want Mila to leave our group? No, I don't. But sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do. It's part of life. And it's part of being an adult. I only wish the best when this all happens. I hope we all can have a better life and remain the sisters I've seen grow up with me these past four years. You're family. I wouldn't want any of my family hurting the way we've all been hurting. We need to heal the hurt before Mila leaves."
"You're all full of shit. If Lauren knew you were leaving, she would be on my side. She would be just as mad as I am." Dinah spat. She got up from her chair, the legs of the chair scraping across the floor as she stood up to her full height. "How dare you call me family...how dare any of you say you were sisters of mine. My sisters would never turn their back on me like you are, Camila."
Patience was a virtue. Or so people said. Most days I had an endless supply of it and I could handle anything with the patience I had. However, my patience had run out with Dinah. Every single time we had a talk about this, she had been full of anger--directed mainly at me.
"How dare you forget everything you ever told me, Dinah! You told me that I had to work on myself before falling back into love. Granted I let things sway me a little on my journey, but now that I want to take that step you make me out to be the villain here? No one understands how tired I am. I'm so exhausted, my bones are brittle from all the back and forth my love life has caused. I'm restless to feel better and you're the first to cast a stone because I'm thinking of myself for once!" Something snapped inside of me.
I had been sitting on the floor, leaning up against the sofa we had in the room for support. I stood up, looking around at all three of them.
I had let this thing go on for too long. I had let it slide because I loved them all dearly. I had let all of them--at some point--step on me so they would feel better about themselves. I couldn't take it any longer.
"Lauren's free. She broke up with Lucy. She told me she wants me. She knows we have a horrible history. She knows that I want her. She poured out her heart to me. This is the perfect opportunity for me to jump back into a relationship with her. I have everything I ever wanted at my fingertips. It's staring me in the face. And I'm walking away. I'm walking away from all of it. Because this life is exhausting. If I continue down this path with Lauren here to remind me that I was almost enough, I won't make it. I'll fall apart sooner rather than later. I'm just thinking of myself for once. Not that any of you needed to know my reasons for doing what I'm doing. It's none of your business. Since I thought we were family, I thought I'd share... But I guess that was all in my head."
And just like Lauren had done, I walked out of the room with a look of displeasure and a heart full of grief. Once again I was leaving a part of me here, a part filled with confusion that should have been joy and happiness. I should be happy. Not sad. Not depressed. Not wondering when life will treat me better. Not hoping that love would find me someday. I needed to find a better life for me. Even if it led me away from the home I had created with them. Things had to change and only I could push that first domino over so it could cause a chain reaction in my life.
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Lauren
I didn't understand any of it. I had poured my heart out to her, told her I was ready to try if she was and I was rejected. Did I do the wrong thing? Did I tell her in the wrong way?
Or maybe she doesn't like you in the way you think.
Could that be it? Could that be the reason? Did she only want me sexually? I mean, I thought we had connected on a different level during those intimate moments. Did I imagine it? Was it all in my head?
"Are you busy?" I asked Vero as she picked up the phone.
"Hi. Long time since we've talked. How are you doing? Great. How am I doing? Oh, how thoughtful of you to ask, is what you should have said when you called me."
"Vero, I...I-I-I-" I burst into tears clutching onto my phone dearly.
"Lauren? Are you okay? What's going on?" I heard Alexa's comforting voice in my ear. "Vero says you're crying."
"Lucy and I broke up," I whispered softly as the tears continued to fall from my eyes.
"Oh honey," Vero murmured. "I'm sorry."
I tried to breathe in through my nose which was quickly becoming stuffy--a side effect from the crying--and exhaled from my mouth.
"It's-no-n-not the reason I'm crying."
"Oh thank God," Alexa said in relief.
"Babe, come on. Not the time." Vero muttered.
"Right. Continue."
"Camila rejected me. She doesn't want me." I voiced. My eyes were still producing several tears.
Both of them were quiet for a few moments before Alexa spoke up again.
"Did you say it right?"
"What?" Did I say what right?
"I mean, did you tell her that you wanted her?"
"Yeah, I said we could take it slow or start over."
"Did you tell her this before or after you told her about your breakup with Lucy?"
"I told her after. I told her that I broke up with Lucy for her."
"And she still said no? Did she give you a reason?"
"She said that she was tired."
"I would be too." Vero commented.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Vero sighed. "Please tell me that you're not this clueless as to what's happened between you two."
"Her middle name is Clueless--Lauren Clueless Jauregui. Of course she hasn't figured things out."
"Laur, details are in the wind for you but you must know by now that Camila and you have had an on and off relationship for the past few years. It pretty much started when you first met and well, even though Camila did what she did because of personal reasons, your relationship was never stable. You guys were like a light switch--on and off for a good two years until--"
"Vero..." Alexa interrupted.
"Sorry. The point is, anyone who's had to endure that would be tired. If you remembered everything, you would be tired too. Since you're missing all your memories, you're probably in the first stages of falling in love with her again."
"I never said I loved her." I protested.
"You may not have said it, but trust me, that's what's happening."
"No. That can't be it. I only like her. How could I love her?"
"Lauren, I wish I could just hit you upside the head until your memories reappeared. That would be a million times better than hearing about all this bullshit."
"Alexa, you know she had head trauma, right?"
"So? I think she needs a repeat of that night so she can stop with this nonsense. Maybe I can run her over with my car the next time she's in my Miami. Or I could use a bat. Or maybe shove her onto incoming traffic." Alexa hummed after she finished speaking.
"I know that look. You're forbidden from seeing Lauren when she's home."
"Okay. That's fine with me. I don't care about seeing her."
"I also know that look and you're forbidden to ask anyone else to do your dirty work."
"Whatever."
"You're going to be the death of me."
"How did this go from me crying to Alexa plotting my next accident?"
"I'm passionate about Camren. What can I say?"
---
Guys! I got to see Camila at Jingle Ball last night. She was amazing. I loved it. I was smiling like an idiot the whole time because she killed it and I was proud to see how far she's come. I can't wait until she has her own tour.
Now onto what's going on with the book. I'm tapped out. I know how I'm ending it, I've written the last chapter and several other because I know what's going to happen, but for the life of me, I can't get it together for the chapters that lead up to those.
This chapter is far from my greatest and I half-assed it because I didn't want too much time to go by. Anyway, I'm not sure if I should not update again until I have finished writing all the chapters, or just take a small break from this story and work on a one shot I've been contemplating. If you guys want to let me know your thought, my comment section is open.
--brknshdws