*Trigger Warning. Tread Lightly, Loves*
~ When I close my eyes and try to sleep, I fall apart; I find it hard I breathe... ~
Chapter Thirty-Six: Slipping
Last time I put a parent in the ground, I never imagined I'd put the other one in only seven-and-a-half years later. But there I was, watching my father being lowered into the ground, right next to my mother.
The funeral was small and private; just close friends of my father, a few people who knew my mother while she was alive, and us four: me, Max, Sophie, and Lucas.
Max stood and held me as I turned into his chest, unable to watch. The service was lovely, as funeral services go, but Dad wouldn't have particularly cared for it, but Dad didn't like funerals at all. He thought they were too sad and cliche.
Every one was gone but the four of us. Lucas and Sophie were in the grass a few feet away, watching the casket find its place in the ground while Max kept me hidden. I was crying silent tears, trembling softly in his embrace as I felt my strong fronts begin to crumble. Max slowly slid out of his blazer, laying it across my shoulders as his hands ran up and down my arms. "C'mon," Max whispered, kissing my hair. "The longer we stay, the harder you'll break."
I didn't say anything, letting him lead me softly away from where the casket was being covered in dirt. Sophie and Lucas followed us quietly, my best friend slowly crumbling into himself as Sophie took his arm, comfortingly. We got into our cars and began heading for home, all of us emotionally exhausted.
"For what it's worth," Max whispered, taking my hand in the car and kissing my fingers. "You looked beautiful today."
I didn't say much for a moment, before murmuring a soft thank you and letting myself cry. Max pulled over on the side of the road, pulling me gently into the backseat with him and holding me closely. "Let it all go, lovely," he whispered softly. "Give yourself the freedom to cry."
I'd been worse about that lately. I haven't allowed myself the ability to let myself go when I got worked up, and rather I'd just bit it back down. Max begged me the other night to just let myself cry while he held me, but I'd refused, telling him I was fine. His response was blatant and pleading and consisted of one word: "Bullshit," he'd said, before pausing and sighing. "You and I both know that's bullshit."
This was the first time I'd allowed myself to cry in almost four days. The funeral plans had taken longer than I'd thought, and the process was painful, but I'd been trying so hard to be strong. Max was broken-hearted for me, and I'd actually, in all my frustration and pent up emotions, had tried to pick fights with him once or twice. He didn't let me get to him though, and as soon as I'd realized what I'd done I'd apologized and told him I love him and kissed him quietly. He was so patient with me, and I didn't deserve a damned bit of it.
"I'm sorry," I whispered brokenly, curling into him. Max shook his head, holding me tightly in the backseat,
"It's fine, baby," he assured me, his lips against my forehead. "You're okay. I'm just glad you're finally letting it out."
I sobbed softly. "It hurts," I admitted quietly. "Everything hurts."
Max nuzzled me into his chest. "I know, lovely."
I felt like a small child, whining softly. "I want it to stop," I begged. "I'm always either in pain, sorrow, or I'm numb, and quite frankly I don't even know which one is fucking worse."
Max didn't say anything, letting me spill out my emotions without a filter. "I'm putting stress on everyone around me, and I hate it. You've worried yourself sick over me, and I don't make it any easier on you by being difficult. I've been picking stupid fights with you for no damned reason and I wish this would all just fucking stop-"
"Shhh..." Max finally cut me off as I began to hyperventilate. "Stop, little dove," he murmured. "You're tearing yourself apart."
I sobbed again. "I can't help it."
Max just nodded. "We'll talk about it later," he assured me. "For now, just go to sleep."
I sniffled. "In the back of your car?"
Max smiled softly. "Yes, Symphony," he said. "Just sleep."
I did as he asked.
* * * * *
"I don't know how to make it better."
There was a long pause of silence, before I heard her sigh.
"If I knew, Max, I'd tell you."
I heard my boyfriend let out a long breath at what Sophie'd said. "It's killing me," he spoke again. "Symphony's in the most pain she's ever been in, and there isn't a damn thing I can do to make it better. She hasn't let herself cry since the funeral. Do you know how terrified I am to leave her here when I go to work?"
Sophie sighed again. "It's only been three weeks since he died, Max," she said. "You have to give her time."
He let out a noise of frustration. "I don't mind giving her time, Soph," he assured her. I listened, standing just inside the hallway and out of sight as they talked in the kitchen, my back against the wall. Had it really been three weeks? "My issue is that she's shutting down, withdrawing from everyone around her, myself included."
Sophie paused. "Are you still sleeping beside her at night?" she asked, her voice more concerned now. Max snorted lightly.
"That's practically the only time she isn't withdrawn," he told her. "She clings to me at night while she sleeps; I can barely get out of bed for work. It's as if she's terrified to let me leave her while she sleeps, but pushes me away while she's awake."
Sophie seemed to consider this as I began crying silently. "I don't mean to be tactless," she spoke. "But when was the last time you guys made love?"
Max sighed. "I made love to her two nights after her dad passed," he answered softly. "I took her pain away for a little while, guided her into our private little world. I wish I could say she stayed there, but she broke down later. I don't think she'll let me do that for her again."
I wanted to crawl under and rock and die right then and there. I was tearing apart the only person who was trying to put me back together.
"How's Lucas?" Max suddenly asked, speaking of my best friend. He'd come and seen me quite a bit, and he helped Max practically force feed me once or twice, the main source of Max and I's arguments.
"Better," Sophie answered, her voice a bit brighter at the information. "He's a lot better."
There was a long pause, before Max made his voice work again. "I don't know what to do, Soph," he whispered quietly. "I feel like I'm watching the love of my life destroy herself, and she won't let me save her, and it's causing me more pain than I've ever known."
I'd heard quite enough. I slowly padded back into our bedroom, sitting down on our bed and letting Ella and Storm surround me. What was wrong with me?
My tears were silent and not at all very cleansing, and my chest was aching with how much I wanted to let it all out. But I'd cried enough over the past couple weeks. I had to find some way to be okay, had to find some way to make myself move forward, just like Dad said, like I promised. It was hard to do when nobody would let me go back to work though. Lucas was taking all my shifts and working on finding someone to help out more around the shop while I was out. Max was dead set against letting me go to work, though in the logical side of my mind I somewhere realized he was probably right.
I hated crying in front of Max. I knew it hurt him to see me cry, and I couldn't deal with the guilt on top of the pain I was already in. I couldn't hurt Max like that.
I looked up as Sophie entered the room about twenty minutes later, smiling at me softly. I tried my hardest to smile back, but it was strained and noticeably weak. Her smile turned sad at this, her body slowly moving to sit beside me in bed.
"He loves you," Soph whispered softly. "He'd lay down his life to see you smile. You have to understand that no matter his actions, no matter his words, he loves you more than anything you can possibly know."
I only nodded slightly, knowing without having to ask who she was talking about. She reached forward and hugged me, and I slowly brought my arms around her to hug her back. "Lucas and I are up in the apartment if you need us," she spoke. I was slightly confused, not exactly aware of what I'd need them for.
"I'll see you later," she whispered, before slowly parting. She looked like she was crying, which *really* confused me. Had I missed something?
I sat there confused for another twenty minutes, letting the dog and cat comfort me. What was going on?
Max came in, slowly, not looking over at me or anything as he walked over to our dresser. I didn't say anything and neither did he, and everything became painfully clear as he grabbed his duffle bag from our closet. I still didn't say anything, but began to hyperventilate.
This caught Max's attention. "Simmy," he spoke, sitting beside me. "Calm down, baby."
I shook my head. "You can't deny what you're doing," I managed, my voice unable to work like it was supposed to. "How the fuck am I supposed to react?"
Max sighed. "I suppose that's fair," he admitted. "But don't freak out, lovely."
I shook my head. "No," I said. "You're leaving me, Max, I have every right in the fucking world to freak out."
Max shook his head, reaching out for me. "Not for good, cutie, not for good."
I backed away from his touch, shaking my head. The hurt in his eyes was apparent, but I didn't care at the moment. "Symphony," he whispered. "Please."
"No, Max," I said. The light of my life sighed.
"I have to," he murmured, reaching forward again and putting his hand on my leg. "Baby I don't have a choice."
I choked out a sob. "Don't," I whispered.
Max watched me with pleading brown eyes. "Please try to understand," he begged. "Please, Simmy. I need you to understand that I have to do this."
I closed my eyes. "No," I said. "No."
I felt his hand on my face, and I cringed. "Symphony, I have to leave. I'm trying to save both of us, trying to save our relationship, trying to fix you the only way I can figure out how."
I shook my head. "Yes, Simmy," he said. "I can't handle this right now," he admitted. "I can't watch you self destruct, baby, it's tearing me apart from the inside out. I need a couple days to recuperate, and you need a few days when you can cry without being afraid of hurting me, where you can try and heal without the pressure you feel when I'm around. We both need this."
I broke, sobbing softly. "Please," my voice broke. "Please don't..."
Max noticeably tensed. "I have too, little dove," he spoke. "My mind's made up; I'm gonna go spend a few days in a hotel, and I think it might be a good idea for you to spend a couple days with Lucas and Sophie."
My eyes were still closed and my heart was shattering with every single moment he was telling me. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, holding my hand. "I love you more than you know, my sweet Symphony."
I choked back another sob. "Fucking..."
Max's breath caught. "No, Symphony," he begged. "Please."
I couldn't take it anymore. "I love you," I told him. "But if you're gonna go, then just go already," I managed, my voice weak and shattered. "I'm breaking, Max. I love you, but it's hard enough to watch you leave. If you're going, then please just..."
Max nodded, kissing my hair. "I get it," he whispered. "I'll see you in a few days."
In that moment, watching him get up and throw his essentials in a bag, I knew the truth of what was happening. Either this was going to be extremely good, or extremely bad. But with the way I was slowly breaking into tiny pieces after he'd left my room, I wasn't so sure. I sobbed hysterically, desperately, loudly, letting my grief and pain and sorrow do what it'd been trying to do since Dad died...
I let it consume me.
* * * * *
I was in Lucas and Sophie's spare bedroom when I woke up.
I had apparently fallen asleep, but how I'd gotten here I wasn't so sure. Storm and Mayella were beside me too, and there was a baby monitor beside my bed. I didn't feel like moving though, instead slowly rolling over as tears welled in my eyes again, beginning to tiredly cry.
I drifted for a while; I really hated myself with a passion. I didn't know how to even begin to move. I wanted peace, but it seemed like the only thing that I was allowed was turmoil.
"Sweetie?" I heard my best friend call for me. I didn't respond, sighing softly with tears seeping down my cheeks. "Sweetie, please talk to me..."
I couldn't make my voice work, and in all honesty, I didn't want to. I wanted to curl up and never wake up.
"Symphony, I need you to look at me."
I shook my head, the first defining answer I'd given him. He sat beside me on the bed, kissing my forehead and looking down at me. His eyes watched me carefully, staring at me as if trying to decide what to say.
"He shouldn't have left," he murmured quietly to himself. "He's putting you and himself through even more hell."
I didn't say anything, closing my eyes. "He has to come back," Lucas said. "He has to fix this."
I touched Lucas' knee for a moment, shaking my head. Lucas lowered his phone where he'd begun to call him, watching me sadly. "Symphony, this isn't healthy," Lucas told me. "You haven't eaten hardly anything in days. You're going to starve yourself."
I shook my head. "My health be damned," I whispered, my voice shaky, before thinking a moment. "How long have I been here with you and Sophie?"
Lucas sighed. "Just since last night," he said. "I think you had some kind of blackout or something..." he paused. "You've been having those a lot lately."
I shook my head, and Lucas continued. "Max warned Sophie of what he was gonna do before he did it, and he came by the apartment on his way out last night," he spoke, watching as I cringed at his name. "He wanted to make sure I would take care of you. When I hadn't heard from you by midnight last night, I tried calling, texting, anything, but you wouldn't respond, and I got scared. So I made the night guy let me in to check on you."
Lucas paused and shifted. "You weren't okay," he slowly admitted. "You were hysterical, but not crazy hysterical, more like quiet hysterical... Kind of like a zombie. You wouldn't talk, wouldn't eat, wouldn't even look at me. It was like you were hollow. So I moved you and the animals up here for a few days."
I shook my head. "I don't want to impose."
Lucas snorted. "Sweetie, shut up," he gave a small laugh. "You're no imposition, you're my best friend. Besides, I'm worried about you, especially since Max isn't here..."
Just his mere name was enough to bring tears to my eyes. "Sorry," he said, frowning. I just curled into myself, trying to make my body as small as possible.
"I need to sleep," I whispered. Lucas slowly nodded, kissing my hair.
"Let me get you something to help that," he spoke. "I've noticed your sleeps aren't restful. I'll get you some Tylenol too."
I didn't respond as he left the room. The darkness around me seemed so inviting, so tempting, a migraine pulling at my temples as the animals seemed to cuddle closer. Lucas came back as I began drifting again, setting a bottle of melatonin and a bottle of Tylenol on the table beside the bed, along with a glass of water. "Here, sweetie," he said. "Take two of each."
I nodded slightly, taking as he'd instructed and letting him tuck me back in. "Get some rest, Simmy," he whispered. "I love you."
I sighed. "I love you too, Lucas."
My best friend slowly left the room, and although I tried to go back to sleep right away, I couldn't tear my eyes from the bottle of Tylenol beside the bed. I wondered absently how much was in there, how many I'd have to take...
I shook myself lightly, turning over slightly. I bit my lip. I couldn't think like that, not when I was so susceptible to darkness and consuming thoughts like that. I had to stay strong for Daddy.
I let myself drift, slowly, feeling more than slightly sick. When I woke up again, my head was pounding and my body ached with all the emotion I'd pent up. I groaned quietly, sighing a little into my pillow and beginning to cry again. I longed for my boyfriend, longed for his sweet touch and his gentle gaze and his soft laugh, for his arms around my waist to comfort me while I cried. I knew what he meant now, about how I'd pent everything up and wouldn't cry for him. But I knew he needed a few days and there was no way he'd come back so soon. That was too easy.
There was a knock at the door. I sighed loudly, rubbing my hand over my face. "Come in," I mumbled, slowly sitting up.
Sophie walked in, holding a tray in her hands with a sandwich and a glass of sprite. I got sick at the sight of food, looking away and up to her face instead.
"How do you guys always know I'm awake?" I asked, my voice numb. Soph smiled shyly, nodding her head at the baby monitor beside the bed.
"We just want to keep an eye on you," she murmured. "We're worried."
I snorted. "Everyone seems to be that way."
I glanced over at the bottle of pills, Tylenol, realizing Soph hadn't noticed them. As if I was watching myself so it, I slowly hid the bottle beneath my pillow, before she could notice while her back was turned. She looked over at me and smiled sweetly, trying to comfort me.
"I feel sick," I mentioned quietly. "Almost aching."
Sophie sighed. "It's probably due to the fact that you haven't eaten."
I shook my head. "Not that kind of sick."
Soph looked over at me. "It's Max," she spoke. "You miss him, you're feeling his absence. That's what it is."
I snorted again. "He apparently doesn't miss me," I whispered, sickened at myself. Sophie whipped around, watching me with disbelieving eyes.
"Symphony," she spoke my name. "You can't believe that," she told me, sitting down beside me. "He's called damn near every hour to check on you."
I felt myself breaking again. "I just don't get it," I spoke. "I don't."
Sophie frowned, setting her hand on my shoulder and letting me hug her quietly. I'd never felt so weak, so broken, so destroyed in my life, and I hated the feeling.
"Try to eat," she coaxed, glancing over at the sandwich on my bedside table. "I'll bring you some more Tylenol."
I nodded a little, thanking her quietly as she stood and quickly left. I didn't even realize what I was doing at the time, or else I wouldn't have done it, but it happened, and I couldn't, wouldn't, take it back.
When Sophie returned, she set another bottle of Tylenol at my bedside, before watching me struggle down half of the sandwich, she left satisfied, smiling slightly to herself as she told me I was welcome to come spend time with her out in the living room while Lucas was at work. Her hand lingered a lot on her stomach, and it made me almost smile. I declined her offer though, telling her I just wanted to go back to bed. She nodded in understanding, before leaving me again to lay down.
I tried to ignore the bulge from the pills beneath the pillow.
* * * * *
What was I doing?
I was losing myself, that's what I was doing. Totally and completely succumbing to the ever darkening corners of my mind, to the muddled, broken, consuming thoughts my head made up. I was slipping further and further into something I so desperately didn't want to be a part of.
I quit speaking totally, and I'm not even sure why. I just didn't feel like my voice should be heard. Lucas threw himself into a worried panic, but could I really help it? Hell, maybe I could've; who knows.
The animals stayed beside me day and night, as did Lucas start doing eventually. I couldn't imagine how much stress I was putting on his relationship, but I couldn't make myself tell him I was okay... Mostly because I knew I wasn't okay.
Not hearing Max's voice for three days was nothing less than torture. Not seeing him for three days was more than I could handle. Not feeling his touch for three days was something I couldn't even think about without crying, and I was aching for him more than I could even fathom.
I counted them; between the two bottles, fifty-four total pills. That would be plenty, I'd realized. My mind was doing the math and calculations before I could even realize it and stop myself, and suddenly, I had a plan if I needed it.
Let's just hope I didn't need it.
__________________________________________________
Let me leave you with this:
The next couple of chapters may be a little triggering. As someone with triggers herself, I felt like y'all should be warned.
And please, if you ever need anyone to talk to and feel as if there's no one in the world, please come message me. I'm a wonderful sounding board.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
But I know sometimes the lines get fuzzed.
So please, if you ever need anything, don't hesitate.
I love y'all.
- Casey