Four Weeks Later:
Finally.
Finally you are out of a cast. Finally Bucky is starting to show some improvements.
You guys feel more free, literally and figuratively to do things that you want and be a slightly more normal family again. Which is why, since it is a shitty, cold mid-winters day you decided to take the family to the pool.
Surprisingly enough it was Bucky's idea. He wanted to get the kids out of the house because you've all been stuck there huddled around the fire for the past few days since school was closed due to snow.
"Ah! Mummy the waters cold!" Isla squeals the minute she dips a toe in.
"Isla sweetie we told you it would be at first remember but you'll get used to it." You chuckle at her cuteness with Theo on resting on your hip.
Of course Luke just dives straight in without any qualms whatsoever but Isla just continues to stand on the side of the pool tentatively holding Bucky's hand as he waits for her patiently.
He looks so much better now. He's back to a healthy weight and looks so much stronger again because he has been doing some light training again like running and strength, just not combat just yet to avoid any triggers. He says he's no where near where he was but the fact that he's getting back on track really helps him feel even better and gives him more trust and confidence in himself. The nightmares and confusion are still there but you're both gradually learning how to live with and handle them. It's just going to be a fact of life now and he's starting to accept that.
Looking at him now wearing just his shorts if you didn't know what he'd been through you'd think he were perfectly fine. His healing abilities mean the scars on his torso have all completely disappeared and his skin and hair looks healthy and shiny again. He's kept it longish and currently has it tied up in a bun to keep it out of his face and you think it really suits him.
"Did you want to go on my shoulders Bub?" He asks Isla sweetly.
She looks up at him with big puppy dog eyes.
"Yes please daddy." She pouts and he lifts her up onto her shoulders before starting to walk in and slowly lowering her into the water.
"See? It's not so bad. It's hardly even cold." He shrugs when she lets out a little whimper.
You follow them in with Theo who immediately finds joy in the water, splashing and kicking and giggling. You laugh at him and splash him a bit which only makes him more excited.
Luke runs up to Isla and Bucky and splashes them massively causing Isla to shriek and Bucky to gasp, caught off guard. At first Isla is upset but Bucky is such a good dad that he knows just how to handle the situation.
"Hey Isla, should we get him back?" He smirks and looks up at her just as her bottom lip starts to tremble. "Come on, we can win. It's two against one."
Just like that she breaks into a huge smile and nods eagerly.
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" She cheers and Bucky goes charging through the water towards Luke with a cunning look on his face.
When they catch him a huge water fight breaks out. You stay off to the side because you have a toddler and you're pregnant so there's no need for rowdiness there. But at some point the fight turns to Isla and Luke against Bucky.
They jump all over him, splash him, try to push him under and he generally fights them off with ease and humour, sometimes fake struggling or fake getting furious and letting out a roar. Until one time when they get him under the water and hold him down for quite a while he starts to thrash and when he comes up he pushes them off of him and freezes with a panicked look in his wide eyes and you know he's not playing anymore.
Bucky's POV:
"Rarrrr!" I grunt and throw Luke a few metres where he lands in the water before wiping my eyes clear of water.
I hear a giggle of entertainment and whip around to see Isla wading towards me again, her tiny body being slowed by the water. She lunges at me leaping into my arms. I'm about to throw her off again when I'm caught by surprise with Luke jumping onto my back.
Before I know it they pull me under the water and clamber on top of me so that I can't get back up. Yeah it wasn't what I expected but I don't know what happens but all of a sudden a terrifying image flashes through my mind. A memory that I never wanted to relive. A flashback.
They hold me under the water as I struggle against them, screaming in terror because I can't breath but remaining silent, muffled by the water and the bubbles emitting from my mouth, each a vain cry for help, flailing desperately and trying to fight back but I'm too weak, my head is spinning and my lungs are screaming. Then they yank me back up, ripping my hair so hard that I'm surprised they don't get a fist full of it, teasing me for just a second, giving me enough time to gasp and cough and splutter and choke on the water that runs down my face before shoving me back down again and repeating it over and over until I'm so waterlogged and oxygen deprived that I pass out. All because I wouldn't give them an answer to a question that I genuinely didn't know.
My mind flashes between this picture and reality; my children playing and thinking I'm having fun with them and the Hydra agents forcing me down to breaking point and knowing that they're causing me emotional instability until it gets so intense that I can't tell which is happening now and which is in the past. All at once I freak out completely and shout out in fright as I shove the kids off of me so that I can get up.
I break the surface and suck in a huge breath. The whole ordeal probably lasted all of twenty seconds but it felt like far too long. I gasp for breath looking around to try and get my bearings back, remembering that I am in fact at the pool playing with my kids and not really in harms way. But realising this is easier than convincing myself. I try to calm down and act fine, brushing it off like nothing happened but the memory is now at the forefront of my mind.
"Buck?" I hear someone say and I snap my head up towards the sound to see (Y/N) looking at me with concern. "You okay?" She asks. "You don't look well."
It's at this precise moment that I realise that as much as I want to try and carry on regardless, I just can't.
"I ah, I need to get out." I mumble and turn to wade out before making a beeline for the changing rooms, not knowing where else to go and stiffly marching in that direction.
"Daddy?" I hear Isla ask.
"Dad? Where are you going?" Luke calls after me.
All I know is that I need to get away to a small, quiet place right now. So I lock myself in one of the family changing rooms and hide.
Your POV:
The kids kind of just watch their father in confusion as he walks out urgently.
"Dad? Where are you going?" Luke frowns.
You've hardly had time to process what's going on before you have to answer.
"Mummy what's wrong with daddy?" Isla turns to you and asks.
"I don't think he's feeling very well Hun," you lie knowing that that's not the full truth. "Do you guys mind waiting with our bags on the side of the pool while I go check on him?" You ask them as you usher out of the water.
"O-okay," Luke says nervously knowing something's up.
"Thank you guys. I'll be back soon, just wait here," you instruct them as you grab a towel and start after Bucky. "Buck?" You ask quietly and knock gently on the door. "Are you okay? Can I come in?"
When you don't get an answer you only continue.
"Bucky please let me in. You can't hide in there forever." You huff. "I know you're in there I saw you go in."
Finally you hear some shuffling and then the door clicks unlocked so you carefully push it open and step inside to see Bucky sitting on the bench of the small space, staring blankly at the ground while he trembles.
"Aw Buck." You pout sadly melting at the sight of him and rushing over to him, wrapping the towel around him and embracing him in a hug.
He looks as though he's freezing but he's actually not. He just stays tense and rigid, not hugging you back. Although you want to smother him with love, hugs and kisses you know that's not what he wants right now so you back up.
"Are you okay? What happened?" You ask softly, your eyes full of concern as you brush some hair out of his face and place a hand in his lap.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." He mutters ashamed and guilty before surprising you by wrapping his arms around you tightly.
"Buck it's okay." You assure him, stroking his back.
"I-I thought I could handle it. I thought I could do it now." He mumbles into your shoulder. "I'm sorry."
"Shhh, it doesn't matter. You tried and I'm so so proud of you for that." You whisper back and press a kiss to his temple.
"I just really thought I was getting better. I wanted to do it for the kids but now I've just ruined everything." He huffs.
"Bucky no you haven't. You did nothing wrong. And I'm not going to say that it's fine and your okay and that whatever you saw isn't true because it definitely did happen to you. But you didn't flip out or hurt anyone, you had it pretty under control if you ask me. That's a pretty big accomplishment if you ask me. And this is all just going to take baby steps," you say.
He doesn't reply, just continues to cling onto you for support.
"What do you think triggered it huh Buck? What caused you to freak out?" You work up the courage to ask after a few minutes but then the minute you say it it clicks. "Oh my god." You gasp. "Buck? Did they really..."
"They drowned me (Y/N)." He finally sobs and lets out a shaky breath. "They would hold me under and even electrocute me sometimes."
Your blood runs cold and you feel as though you might vomit at the thought.
"Oh my god James." You whimper and pull him in immediately burying his head in your chest and clutching the back of his head. "That's sounds awful! Why didn't you tell me?"
"I-I didn't think I could stomach it and I didn't want to worry you." He mumbles into your shirt, trembling even more violently.
Most people would break down crying if they were in Bucky's position right now. But not him. He forces himself to hold it together which in some ways you aren't sure is a good thing. He always tries to stay strong for the benefit of others and you're afraid that one day he's finally just going to crumble.
"Alright Buck." You huff. "That's enough with all of this not wanting to worry me stuff. I'm more worried not knowing what you went through and I think it would be good for you to finally get it off your chest and stop telling us just the basics. So tonight, once the kids have gone to bed we are going to sit down and you are going to tell me everything. That way I and anyone else who can help can give you all the support hat you need."
He doesn't answer.
"Is that alright?" You press.
He finally nods.
"How am I supposed to do it?" He croaks after a while.
"Do what?" You frown.
"How am I supposed to be a good father to this child if I can't be a decent one to the three we already have?" He asks sadly making your heart break.
"Bucky. You are a great father to these kids. Nobody is perfect but considering what you've been through I think you're pretty damn close to it. Those kids love you. You should've seen how good you were when dealing with Isla out there and playing with them. You're the best dad in the world to them and their hero," you say passionately.
"We should go back out there." He huffs and pulls away from you.
"You want to go back in the pool?" You ask shocked.
"No, I think that's enough for me for today." He shakes his head urgently.
"I agree." You smile slightly. "Lets go get the kids and we can pick them up some food on the way home."
"Okay." He nods quietly and gingerly gets to his feet before following you out.
"Daddy!" Isla exclaims and comes running up to him, wrapping her tiny arms around his legs. "Are you feeling better?"
"Yeah sweetie, yeah thanks, I am," he says quietly and leans down to hug her too. "Thank you very much."
"You okay dad?" Luke asks worriedly, eyeing him wearily.
"Yeah I'll be fine." He huffs, not going into detail.
"You're so brave daddy!" Isla exclaims, looking up at him with admiration. "Feeling sick but still coming to play with us."
Once again you mentally praise and thank your children for generally always saying the right thing at the right time. And then just to put the cherry on top Theo comes clumsily toddling over and hugs Bucky's legs too.
"Aww." You pout melting, and put a supportive hand on Bucky's back. "Okay guys we're going to head home now, sorry we haven't been here long but we'll pick you something up from the diner on the way home."
Although they look slightly disappointed at first the notion of food soon perks them up.
"Okay." Isla and Luke agree willingly.
"See. I told you. Look how much they love and look up to you." You whisper to Bucky as you head for the changing rooms with Theo propped on your hip.
You all get changed and are just walking out, wrapped up in your scarves and beanies because it's so cold out when out of the corner of your eye you spot a little girl staring at you. When you look closer you can see that she is fixated on Bucky, wide eyed with her jaw dropped. She looks absolutely starstruck.
"Hey Buck, I think you've got a little admirer over there." You smile quietly and nudge Bucky, pointing discretely.
When he looks and sees he just shrugs but you could swear he blushes a little bit and looks proud.
"Oh it's nothing I'm sure. She's probably actually scared of me." He mumbles.
You roll your eyes. "Have a little self confidence Buck!"
~~~~
Turns out at the diner you find out you were right. When you are waiting for your order you see that same little girl right as she comes over to Bucky, shyly half hiding behind who must be her mother who looks very embarrassed and gently tugs on his sleeve.
"Excuse me?" She asks softly.
"Oh!" He gasps in surprise, expressing how you feel as he looks down to see the same little girl there. "Hi there?"
"I'm so sorry." The mother sighs and starts to explain exasperatedly. "This is probably going to sound so strange and rude but my daughter saw you at the pool and is a huge fan of yours. She was too shy to say anything while you were there but once you had gone she got so upset because she wanted to talk to you so we... we followed you here."
Bucky gives a look of surprise but he covers it well while you just stand quietly beside him and watch.
"Oh! No that's not a problem! Hi sweetie, how are you?" He asks kindly and bends down to her level.
"I'm good." She mumbles as she sucks on her thumb and half hides behind her mother.
She has got to be no older than Isla.
"Come on Eden, you wanted to do this so don't be shy." Her mother urges her and gives her a little push.
"It's okay." Bucky smiles up at the mother.
"Did you have a good swim?" He continues, taking you off guard; he hasn't been the most talkative as of recent and now all of a sudden he's leading a conversation with a complete stranger.
She nods and as she continues to explain she gradually comes out of her hiding spot and opens up, becoming louder and more excited and at ease.
"Yes." She nods. "I haven't been to the pool in a long, long time so it was so much fun. Me and my mum were playing mermaids and dolphins and I could hold my breath for so long. Almost thirty seconds!" She exclaims proudly.
"Wow! That's so cool! I'm glad you had fun. Far out you can hold your breath for so long!" Bucky gasps.
She grins proud of herself. "Thank you. I just wanted to say Mr Sergeant Barnes that you're my hero. I think that you're so brave with everything that's happened to you and you're still so nice and giving. I just think you're amazing."
Wow. Even you're shocked by these words coming from such a young person. Your heart warms and you can't help but smile and pat Bucky on the back supportively and encouragingly.
"Oh my." Bucky chuckles kind of blown away. "Thank you. That's so kind of you. And please, call me Bucky."
"Eden what were you going to ask?" Her mother urges her on.
"C-could I please maybe get your autograph?" The little girl asks hopefully and nervously.
"Oh! Of course." Bucky beams like a pro. "Did you have something in particular you wanted me to sign?"
"I have her notebook here and a pen," her mother explains and rummages through her purse to get it out.
"Ah perfect," Bucky says and takes it, looking down to sign it.
"Thank you." Her mother sighs. "I'm so sorry to be a bother but you see her father died in the war and with everything that you went through - more than once - I guess you kind of just give her hope, even though I know it's not possible it's all she can ask for. She admires you so much. So thank you."
"Thank you," Bucky insists as he hands back the book. "It's a pleasure, first time I've been asked for an autograph actually." He chuckles but then goes serious. "I'm sorry to hear about your husband though."
You manage a peak at the notebook and see that he wrote more than just his signature;
Dear Eden,
Enjoy life! There's always something good waiting just around the corner.
Lots of love, Bucky Barnes.
"Nothing we can do about it." The mother shrugs and looks down sadly. "We just have to keep moving forward. It's no one here's fault, it's just part of life."
"Aw well that's a good outlook to have," Bucky says solemnly before bending down to Eden's height. "It was so nice to meet you Eden. Thank you for coming to see me, it made my day. I hope I can see you again some day."
"I hope I can see you again soon too." She smiles shyly and with that Bucky reaches in to hug her gently.
His giant body monsters over her tiny one yet he looks so careful and delicate as he envelopes her. When they pull away Eden grins up at her mum excitedly as she takes her hand.
"Alright well we will leave you to it. Sorry for disturbing you. Thanks again," her mother says gratefully.
"Not a problem. Goodbye." Bucky smiles and waves.
As they head off Eden turns back and waves cutely one last time.
Once they're gone Bucky turns to you and lets out a big huff with a surprised look on his face.
"See Buck." You beam. "Look at how you're influencing people. You're a good person and now you're making a difference too."
That little girl couldn't have come at a better time after Bucky's last little episode.
"I don't know doll." He frowns unexpectedly.
It's as if that happy, outgoing and talkative Bucky you just witnessed was just a mask and now the Bucky you're starting to learn to know, the down, quiet, unsure and negative one is back just like that.
"Don't you think that's a bit weird?" He asks. "They followed us. Isn't that creepy? A bit stalkerish even?"
"Buck I'm sure it was just some little girl that was just a massive fan of yours, that's it. She seemed lovely. I'm sure they meant no harm." You groan, just wishing he could stop worrying about everything and just look at the genuineness of it all.
"I don't know (Y/N)." He sighs. "Something just doesn't feel right. Something's off."
"I'm sure everything is fine," you press.
You pick up some burgers and fries for the kids before heading home. It's already late afternoon and you can tell that there is a slight tension and nervousness between you and Bucky as you wait to send the kids to bed, knowing the seriously intense talk that will come after that.
~~~~
"Now." You huff and plonk yourself down at the table after reading to the kids until they finally fell asleep. "I don't want to sound like I'm a teacher growling at a student but are you going to come sit down and tell me what's going on?" You quirk an eyebrow and pat the table across from you.
Bucky exhales deeply and begrudgingly gets up from the couch to come sit with you. "Fine."
"I know it's hard but the only way we are going to get anywhere with fixing this now is if you tell me - or someone, anyone - the truth of what is going on in your head and what happened in there. Because no matter how much you don't want to talk about it, it's not doing you any good bottling it up so far," you say sternly.
"I know, I know, you're right." He mumbles and looks down.
"Start where you want but please just try. The more I know and the more detail, the better I can understand and then the more help I can be. You don't have to tell it twice, I'll tell Steve and you're doctors if you want but believe me I think you'll feel a lot better once it's off your chest," you press, feeling bad for forcing him but knowing it's for the best.
"I know, I just don't like to think about it or remember it because it's like I'm reliving it," he says in a shaky voice, his hands clasped so tightly in front of him that his knuckles are white.
"I'm right here and if it gets too much we can stop. We can just do little bits at a time if you want," you assure him.
He exhales shakily again and nods, swallowing and looking at you nervously before beginning.
"I'll start with when I woke up after first being captured. I was cuffed to an old chair and gagged, in a dark room, no idea where I was or how I got there. I couldn't remember anything after the beam falling on me. As my eyes started to adjust I could make out a figure in the corner of the room." He starts, staring distantly at the table, his eyes concentrated yet far off and his brows forming a scared frown.