AN: The Gucci thing in the previous chapter was supposed to be Louis Vuitton. Pero si Gucci kasi ang nasa isip ko. Gano'n talaga yata kapag mahal mo ang isang tao no? Kahit may iba kang kasama - kaibigan, katrabaho o pamilya man, siya pa rin ang nasa isip mo. HAHAHAHHAAHA char lang! Enjoy reading!
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I was right about me ending up sore when I said I know where will it end to Eonji. That naughty guy does whatever he likes wherever and whenever that it freaks me out sometimes.
Lumipas ang mga linggo na patuloy ang ganoong set up namin. Only that, our intimate bedroom sessions were lesser now that I really want to focus on the company. The organization's goal is my goal right now. As I've reiterated so many times, disappointing my dad is the least I want to happen.
Tuwing Sabado at Linggo na lamang kami nagkikita as per my request. Ang aking ginawang excuse ay pagod ako palagi sa trabaho. Totoo naman iyon. Maging ang opinyon ng aking ama dito ay isinama ko na bilang excuse. But a part of me knows what the real reason was.
These past few days, Eonji would cook for me only when I ask him to. Ayokong dumepende sa kaniya hangga't maari. I do not want to be attached. Ngunit nitong mga nagdaang araw ay parang kusa na akong dumedepende sa kaniya.
Gaya na lamang nang paulit ulit kong pagtingin sa aking cellphone kahit na busy ako sa paperworks. Nawawala ang concentration ko kapag nagtetext na siya. It contradicts to what my mind wants.
Kaya nagpasiya ako na kakausapin siya mamaya. I want him to temporarily away from me. Again, temporarily. Aside from him being my distraction, I want to sort out my feelings.
Will it be the same feeling without him in the picture? Will I be able to go through a day without him?
Maaring oo, mabubuhay ako nang wala siya. Pero magiging kumpleto ba? Ngayon pa lamang ay sumasakit na ang dibdib ko sa pagiisip na pansamantala ko siyang hindi makakasama.
Hindi ko alam kung ano itong inaarte ko. Natatakot ba 'ko? Natatakot ba 'ko na aminin na oo, I am starting to build feelings for him? Eonji is a playboy. He play the heart of the girls he's been with. Did he change then? Nagbago na ba siya?
Kaya ba ako natatakot? Is it because of him? Or is because of me and my past? My past that would forever be etched on my being. Something that couldn't be erase... Something disgusting.
Today is Friday. Mukhang magsisimula ko ng maging weekly quote ang Thank God It's Friday ah. I just really am glad I'll have to take a break from work. I think I need it.
Eonji will be fetching me tonight since Sabado bukas. Hanggang Linggo ay naroon ako sa kaniyang condo.
Inayos ko na ang aking mga gamit sa table. Inayos ko na rin ang aking sarili sa kaniyang pagdating. I am mentally memorizing my monologue. Baka mamaya ay kapag naglambing na siya ay magbago ang isip ko.
"Hi." Bati niya.
Pilit akong ngumiti. I saw how his expression changed. He looked worried. He knows I'm faking it! He fuckin' knows!
"Is there a problem? You don't look fine." Aniya.
Bumuntung hininga ako. If I am in my old self - the hopeless romantic girl who loves her boyfriend so much - I would say I am so 'pabebe'. I want to repeatedly slap myself, hoping that I am doing the right thing.
"I want us to talk." Panimula ko.
Tumango siya. He looked very attentive. Hindi halata na galing siya sa isang operasyon.
"I'm listening." Aniya.
"I want to take a break from our... I don't know what to call this... Hm, relationship? Fuck buddies? Yes?" Pagak akong tumawa, hoping to lighten up the mood.
Pero mukhang hindi siya natuwa roon. I saw his jaw clenched. His expression hardens and I could tell he isn't happy about all these.
"Why?" Iyon lamang ang sabi niya.
"Well... I think we've had enough? I mean," I am confused, Eonji. Gusto ko sanang idugtong.
"You tell me what's the problem, hm?" Lumapit siya sa akin. Napalunok ako. I don't want us this close. Nakakatakot.
"I am the problem." Pagamin ko. "I am becoming dependent of you. It's so scary. Call me a coward but - "
"Shhh.." He cuts me off. "I know you are afraid." Hinalikan niya ako sa noo.
"Eonji..."
"No, Gabourey. No. We are not ending this relationship. And another NO, you are not my fuck buddy. You are more than that for me. You are special. I like you, haven't I said that?" He whispers so gently to me that it almost hypnotized me.
"You have." Sagot kong pabulong.
"I saw Alvin Hortelano today." With that, I stiffened.
"And?" I probed.
"We talked about you. What exactly happened three years ago. But those were not enough... I know something's missing. He said it's better if I ask you myself." Nakaramdaman ako ng takot na baka pilitin niya ako na magkwento.
"But I won't force you to tell me if you're not ready. I am glad you told me about what happened on your bridal shower, masaya na ako doon. So keep your mind at peace, baby. Hindi kita iiwan."
Parang bombang sumabog ang naramdaman ko. He won't leave me? Really?
"Eonji, ang gusto ko lang naman ay magkaroon tayo ng space. But you brough my past up. And yes, you're right about everything. I am scared and I am not yet ready to face it. Because once again, I am a coward." I said.
Naniniwala ako na lahat ng tao ay may kinakatakutan. Siya man ang pinakamalakas na taong kilala mo, may itinatago pa rin 'yang kahinaan. Just like Achilles. He is one strong warrior, who would've thought that his weakness is his heel?
We are all flawed. Humans are flawed. At kung ang paguusapan ay ang mga flaws, I have so many hidden flaws. Na mismong ako sa sarili ako ay natatakot na aminin at balikan.
"That's why I'm here, Bourey. I'll help you fight your fears." Sabi niya.
My eyes watered. Is it now? Ngayon na ba 'yung araw na iyon? My moment of truth?
"Eonji, you think you can handle me? You think you would accept me after you hear everything?" Tanong ko sa kaniya.
The truth is, I want to finally free myself. To open up to someone dear to me. I want someone to finally understand me. That I am more than what they think. I am more than just someone who fuck around.
That I, too, have a story to tell.
"I won't promise, baby. But I will try." Sagot niya.
Ito 'yung masakit e. 'Yung walang kasiguraduhan ang pananatili ng isang tao sa tabi mo. Yung kung kaya niya bang manatili sa kabila ng lahat ng pagsubok na kakaharapin.
Tumango ako. Ngunit sa loob ko ay parang may gumuho. Ibig sabihin ay hindi siya sigurado kung magi-stay siya kung sakaling malaman niya ang lahat? Na may posibilidad pa ring iwan niya ako.
Pero nandito na rin lang kami ay lulubusin ko na. Tutal ay malalaman din naman niya. Tutal ay nasa puntong ito na ako na medyo handa na akong tanggapin siya sa buhay ko. Siguro ay oras na rin para maging totoo ako sa sarili ko.
Kung sakali mang iwan niya ako pagkatapos kong magpakatotoo ay siya na ang bahala. Basta kahit ngayon lang, ayoko ng magkunwaring maayos ang lahat.
"Remember when I told you I lost my virginity to an unknown man?" Tanong ko.
Tumango siya.
"That was true. That was partly the reason why Alvin left me. Because he was not my first." Sabi ko.
"Yeah. That sonofabitch!" Gigil niyang sabi.
Oh Eonji, how far can you handle this? How much of my past can you take? Hanggang saan ka?
"Hindi niya ako kaagad iniwan. We just called the engagement off. Pero kami pa rin. We still love each other kaya nanatili kami. Pero nagbago siya." Sabi ko.
Tears fell when I remember that incident.
Umuwing lasing si Alvin galing sa isang bar. He told me that it was his friend's birthday at nagkaayaang uminom.
It was fine with me since sila-sila lang naman.
"Hon!" Tawag ko sa kaniya nang umuwi siyang pagewang gewang. Lasing.
"Ohh! My soon-to-be wife who losh hershelf to another man!" Kahit medyo lasing ang pagkakasabi ay naintindihan ko iyon. Parang may punyal na tumama sa dibdib ko.
So it really was bothering him this whole damn time! At nagpapanggap siya na parang walang nangyari?
"You! Slut! How dare you lose yourself to another man when I took care of you! I waited for you! Pero pero..." Tumawa siya na parang baliw.
"Hon, you're just drunk."
"Drunk my ass! Maybe you liked it, huh? You liked it so much that it made you fuckin' pregnant!"
Bumuhos ang masasagang luha ko nang maalala iyon.
"I was pregnant, Eonji. I was pregnant by someone I didn't even remember." I finally said that made his jaw dropped.
I saw the horror in his face and it made me regret that I told him.
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AN: Tell me guys what you think about this chapter :)