Shehryaar didn't know for how long he sat there contemplating.
She was pregnant. And even though she had lost her baby- their baby, he had no idea how or what to feel.
All his life, he never felt any remorse, any guilt or any empathy towards anything. HE understood these feelings but never felt them. He never felt any fear of his actions or the consequences of what his actions might entail. He understood what these feelings were and he had used them against his victims and opponents so many times because he knew their importance.
He understood what remorse was but he just didn't feel it.
Anything that directly effected him, that was all that he could feel.
How could you respond to something that you couldn't feel anything for?
He could rationalise anything. Everything had a logical explanation.
We lost the baby. It's okay though. We can try again, right? He thought, his chest tightening with each breath he took.
You think? Shahzeb sneered inside his head. Do you really think that you can rationalise this? No you can't. It's all your fault. You pushed her and now that baby is lost.
How could it be my loss? I didn't even know that baby? He tried to justify his actions all the while trying to keep his emotions under control as the flood gates threatened to open.
It was yours too. Why don't you realise that it's your loss!
And that's when he felt it: a strong emotion washing over him making his heart beat fast yet his chest felt as if it was being constricted.
It was the same painful feeling that he had felt when he learnt that Anissa had left him. It was the same feeling when he found out that his twin had died.
Except, it was ten times more intense. It made all rationale fly out the window as his head throbbed.
"Fuck!" He growled.
No! No! It was all her fault. Why did she have to act so immaturely? He mentally shouted.
Really? You're one sick motherfucker for trying to pin the blame on that innocent woman when you very well know that she was only reacting to the ton of shit that you threw at her. Shahzeb yelled back.
Shehryaar clenched his teeth tightly as his hands balled up into fists. Suddenly, he felt an intense urge to pull out his gun and shoot down anything that came to view.
This painful feeling was just too much.
What was it?
Was this remorse? Regret?
He couldn't understand. He couldn't recognise these feelings since he had never felt them before. Then how could he feel them now?
It is. Shahzeb affirmed.
No it's not. He retorted.
Because it was out of his comprehension; never in his entire life had he ever doubted himself as he did now. He felt his confidence dwindle.
He wasn't taught anything that remotely resembled remorse. With a past like his, in which instead of being taught not to harm other, all he was taught was how to assemble a gun and make a clean kill. Where you're suppose to go to bed and your parents tuck you in and you know the other day, it's all going be good but instead, he only slept to get rest in order to survive the other day.
He was taught all about power and control, relying on the reward system for good results and the punishment system if things go wrong.
He wasn't taught to be a normal human.
Where boys are taught to be brave heroes who should rescue fair maidens, he was taught be a man and ruthless one at that.
He was taught to be an enforcer, a ruler, a tyrannical leader.
No mercy, because the punishments that were instilled on him had none.
No sympathy, because he only had himself to rely on.
No empathy, because the results lay with those who were in the way.
No remorse for the lives he took.
All he knew the harsh, cold and callous reality around you.
That was what the existence of Shehryaar Ghulari was built on.
With so much already done, why feel remorse now? For a soul lost that he didn't even know?
Face it Shehryaar. You are feeling remorse for the first time. It's a heavy feeling isn't it? It's making you feel suffocated isn't it? Admit it, there is no shame in it. Shahzeb nagged.
Shehryaar sighed and rubbed his neck.
Indeed, he couldn't deny it.
He did indeed feel regret.
Remorse.
And shame.
And now, perhaps even fear, of what the future held. And he had no one to blame but himself.
It's time you started listening to me. I'm the voice of your impaired conscience. Shahzeb whispered.
***********
"Ahhh!" Anissa screamed as she woke up with a start. Her back ached badly.
She looked around, not paying attention to the surroundings but she had realised that she was in a hospital room. And from the oxygen tube under her nose and the cannula on the dorsum of her hand, she knew that something was deadly wrong.
Instinctively, her hands went to her stomach. There was a very sharp pain radiating from her nether regions. The memories flashed: she was falling and the last thing that she saw was Shehryaar's shocked expression.
"My baby!" She croaked and tried to move but an agonised scream ripped from her throat upon small movements.
Her mind conjured up a million thoughts a second. Her mind was still hazy yet she fought against it.
She realised that if she moved, her back would hurt. And her body refused to move. She looked around. Her tear filled eyes looked around. They immediately fell on a white clipboard resting on a table near her bed.
She knew what it was. Extending her arm forward, she tried to reach it. Her back pained deeply and her muscles stretched painfully but she didn't care for she needed to know. And those charts contained the information that she sought desperately.
Clenching her teeth to bear with the pain, her teary eyes looked at the clipboard with desperation as her hand couldn't reach it. She tried to get it even though she hurt all over.
And then she finally managed to get it only for it fall down to the floor. She didn't give up as she controlled her whimpers and tried to get up. The cardiac monitor beside her began to sound erratic but she didn't care as she mustered all her energy to try and sit.
"Ma'am," a shrill voice came but Anissa didn't care as she tried to sit. "Ma'am please stop." The woman, a nurse, came rushing to her and tried to push her back to the pillows but Anissa wasn't having it.
"No! I need to see them!" She shrieked and struggled under the nurse's hold.
"See what ma'am?" She inquired, her tone laced with concern. She knew that the woman who was her current patient was the wife of a very powerful man and thus, she needed to be treated with the utmost care.
"The charts. Let me see them!" Anissa screamed. The nurse looked down and saw that he charts on Anissa's condition were lying on he floor. Bending down, the urge retrieved them.
"Ma'am, I cannot let you see them."
"Let me see them!" Anissa demanded, her eyes throwing daggers at the poor nurse. The nurse sighed. She didn't understand why Anissa would want to see those charts but she handed to them to her anyway, seeing as how desperate Anissa was but she knew that Anissa wouldn't be able to understand them and all that she needed was to calm her down. She really pitied Anissa for she knew what the poor young woman had been through.
Little did she know, Anissa knew exactly what those charts meant. Her hazel eyes skimmed over the pages. But as soon as her eyes landed on the information that she needed to know, Anissa felt her world come crashing down As she fell back to the pillows.
7 w/o fetus miscarried...,
The clipboard fell to her chest as her eyes trained on the ceiling.
I really was having a baby. My baby. And he's gone. He killed my baby. That monster killed him. She thought and closed her eyes.
And that was all.
Her body began to shake vigorously as the heart monitor detected an abnormal fast pace of her heart.
"She's seizing! Code blue!" The nurse yelled as she went out to the door to retrieve help.
But what could help her now?
She had lost everything.
She was completely broken now.
Her only ray of hope was extinguished.
***********
PHASE 1 OF MAFIA INDEBTED HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN COMPLETED ;)