Look out for the <>!
I nodded to doctor Cali as he told me about the side effects of the drug that he was pumping into my by an IV. His words weren't sinking in even though he spoke with such a serious tone, however I just kept thinking about how alone I felt in this big room across the country. I held back the tears that wanted to run down my face as my emotions got the best of me. I got here so fast and I didn't feel ready to be here. Just two days ago, I was with Farrah at the hospital. I didn't even have time to properly tell Peter I was leaving, only calling him to inform him of the change in events.
"And Clare, I need you to sign this paper," he said as he handed me a clipboard, bringing me out of my thoughts.
I nodded at him with a sniffle as I pulled myself together before I fell apart completely. I took the clipboard that was cold against my hands. "Yeah, ok, sure," I said and quickly signed it. The faster I signed, the faster I could leave this place. Even though I had only been in this hospital for 30 minutes, I was eager to leave.
He looked at the signature and nodded as he opened his mouth, looking as if he was about to say something, then quickly changed his mind. With that, he walked out of the room without another word.
I frowned at his backside as he closed the door behind him, shutting me out from any interaction from the outside world. Already I missed Doctor Patel, at least with him and the nurses they made it was a second home, but here, it was as strange as the moon.
At that moment my phone buzzed with a photo of Farrah frowning, with her arm in the cast. I smiled lightly; knowing that she would entertain me even though she was thousands of miles away.
A second later, my phone buzzed again with a video from Farrah. "Hey Clare, missing you, but on the plus side I get to hang out in your room and you can't kick me out. Also, I looked through all your clothes. They. Are. Crap. I don't know why you don't go shopping. And don't be mad, but mom and I tossed half of your clothes away. Sorry! But it's fine because we'll buy you new ones. Don't be mad. Ok bye! Love you!" she said into the camera and blew a kiss, ending the video.
Mad was an understatement. I felt my blood boil as I thought about my outfits that may have been ugly, but were mine! I liked all of them because they were all comfy. I didn't need new clothes because where would I wear them? To the hospital? Not likely. They shouldn't have done that because it was just a waste of their time and money. I did a sound recording back to her, "Farrah, really? Please! I needed all of those! At least let me pick through the ones you tossed?" I begged.
I waited a second until Farrah sent a video back to me. "No can do Champ. We may have already tossed them. But on the plus side, we'll have something fun to do when you come back."
<>
I frowned at my phone. Instead of doing a video, I face-timed her. She answered instantly with a smiled, her dark eyes standing out against her white skin, showing signs that all summer tans lost. "I'm going to kill you," I threatened.
Farrah smiled at the camera so easily, as if she was confident that throwing away all my clothes was the right move. "That's why I waited until you left."
I rolled my eyes at her. So this meant that she had been planning this for weeks, even months maybe, waiting for the right moment to attack.
"Mom and I both agreed that you needed new clothes. The ones you have were too meh."
I frowned at her. "But what if I liked those meh clothes?"
"You'll like the new ones more."
I rolled my eyes, seeing no point in this argument. She wouldn't realize what she did was wrong, and there was no use in fighting about it when she was thousands of miles away. I might as well give up now, knowing that I needed to talk about other things with her to help distract me from the fact that I was here.
Her smile grew larger as she realized she won the argument. "So how was the trip?"
"Boring?" Because I slept the whole time.
"And California? Is it as nice as it looks like when I google it?"
"It's smoggy, the streets smell like pee and it's too dry. I can literally feel my lips getting chapped as we speak."
"So it is as great as it looks on google!" she cheered.
I couldn't hold back a small smile that came to my lips. She was already putting me in a better mood. "I miss you."
She laughed. "It's only been five hours, Clare. But I honestly miss you too."
"Only two more days to go and then I'm back in the Midwest where I belong."
Farrah nodded at me. She looked away from the camera. "Yeah mom, I'm talking to Clare. Want to say hello?"
In a second the screen went from Farrah to mom. "Hey dear. How was the trip?"
"It was ok. I slept most of the way." Mainly because they gave me something to make me sleep, but I would not tell that to her, knowing she would just feel sad about it.
"That's good! You need to rest as much as you can. I need you good to go to help me make those pies for thanksgiving when you get back. Also, Peter's family will join us for thanksgiving next week so that will be a lot of fun," she said with excitement in her voice.
I smiled at her, it truly felt like Peter was part of the family. I never thought that this would happen. I thought about how our relationship had changed from just one date to never leaving my side. I thought that once he found out about my cancer, we would end, thinking he would move on and forget about me. That was not the case since he drew closer to me from that point. Peter was a light in my life, and I honestly wouldn't know what I would do without him.
"Clare, has Peter texted you recently?" mom asked, bringing my thoughts back to the conversation.
Oh shoot, I was meaning to text him. "Oh yeah! He texted me when I landed," I said as I thought about the last message I sent him. It went like, 'hey peter, I just found out that have to go to California, tomorrow. I'll see you when I get back in a few days. I miss you already, Clare.'
Needless to say, Peter texted me with a million questions however, I hadn't had time to respond to any of them since I've been too busy and worn out to respond. Did I feel guilty about not responding, yes, but I honestly was not in the mood to answer all these questions about my health.
"Well, he dropped by today, asking about you. I thought you told me you were leaving."
I suddenly felt worse knowing that he came to the house to find out that he missed me. "I did, I just didn't tell him the time I was leaving."
"I think it would be best if you called him. He looked worried."
I nodded as I looked out the window out into the brown landscape. The landscape reflected my thoughts, dark and dead, and I hated it.
"Clare, are you listening?"
I looked back at the camera. "Honestly, no. Mom, I have to go. I'm exhausted and I'll talk later," I said, not in the mood to talk any longer.
"Ok. Bye Clare, I love you."
"Love you too," I said and hung up the phone, then scrolled down my text messages. Peter had texted me a grand total of six different times today. Reading none of the messages, I called him, waiting for him to pick up the phone.
It rang for a good few times until Peter's voice answered. "Goodness, Clare, you had me scared to death. Your text was so vague and then you refused to answer my texts? I went to your house to find out you weren't there. I was so worried but your mom calmed me. That should be your job, Clare! We're in the relationship, not your mom and me. But sometimes I feel like I get more information from your mom than I do from you," Peter ranted to me. I knew he was mad, and he had a right to be so. I would be mad at myself too. I couldn't help but hold information from him, it was in my nature.
"I'm sorry," I said, unsure of what else to say to him.
"That's all you have? 'I'm sorry'? I was thinking you would say more." Disappointment filled his voice.
"I don't know what to say, Peter. I'm sorry I hold information from you. My goal's not to hurt you, it never is, but in my mind, why would I just bring you to worry when there is nothing you could do? Worrying about me is pointless, and you should have more important things to worry about."
I heard him sigh on the other end, not happy with my response. "But we're in a relationship. It's different. I want to worry about you, Clare. I want to worry about how you are feeling and how you'll do the next day. I want to worry about you because I'm in love with you."
I felt my heart stop for just a second. He had never said those words to me out loud. I thought he loved me but when he said these words; they held a different weight. For a second time stopped. He was across the country, not seeing my face, and he said those words like a fact. Like he knew without a doubt that I was the love of his life. I was speechless. Was he really in love with me? I felt like I was going to be sick.
"So what Clare? I tell you I love you and you're completely quiet on the other end?"
I leaned over the side of the bed and lost all of what I ate that day. Panic filled me as my vision blurred and my limbs fell limp, searing pain in the back of my head motivated a cry for help before I blacked out completely.
The last thing I heard was Peter on the other end saying, "Clare? Clare? Are you there?"