Camila
"She just got up and left Dinah. No explanation, nothing. She walked out and I haven't been able to contact her since. If she's alive, she's not spreading the news to the world, let alone me," I spilled to Dinah over the phone. I was racking my brain to find out what caused her to walk out of my life like that. I blinked for a second and poof. She vanished without a trace. I even tried making contact with her through her parents, but they were equally worried about her. They had not known she was missing. They assumed she was with me and I had just caused more panic for them when I told them that she wasn't with me. "I should have just stuck with my original plan to leave the group. Things were already set up. You guys are better off without me. She'll be happy and none of you will have to deal with our bullshit drama."
"Do not talk like that Mila. You said you were staying. You told me that you were going to stay and now you're ready to give up because she walked out?"
"I don't know if I can keep pretending that I don't love the girl next door. I do not know if I can watch, as she moves away from me and finds solace in someone else's arms because I fucked up over two years ago. I let Lucy come between us. I let my fear of being rejected by management and family be the biggest problem in my relationship with her."
When Dinah didn't say anything, I continued on with my train of thought.
"I sometimes wonder...If I had just let her go the first time, if we would have found a better way to be happy. If we would have found some way back to each other when the time was right. However, I never gave her that chance. I never allowed her to breathe because I kept coming back and let her return to me when I was the most toxic thing for her. I let her break under everything I did and when she came back, broken and irremediable, I unfortunately broke her more than a human should. I didn't think it was feasible to do the things I did to her, but somehow I found a humanly way to do it to her.
"I thought things could be fixed now. I had given up on her ever remembering our past and I was hoping to be able to build a better future for us. But she left me. She left for whatever reasons she saw while I was singing and I don't think she's coming back this time."
It was the ugly truth. I had fucked her up more ways than I could count. I had broken every piece of her heart with my insecurity, my problems with my sexuality and the doubts I had about her friendship with Lucy. I used all of that against her every time I let my fears take over and I used it to my advantage to keep her coming back. I was a horrible person back then. I do not know what I was thinking half the time when I did what I did. Nevertheless, it was no excuse for me to use now. Every single thing I did, was inexcusable then as it was now.
I was a monster.
"Give her time. She lost Lucy recently. She was a great friend of hers and she almost died again from a car accident. She's coping with a lot. Maybe it just got too much for her and that's why she left. Maybe it has nothing to do with you."
"She was rising above it, DJ. She was getting better and I was helping her with that. She wasn't hurting as much and..." The words were as fake as a $1,000,000 dollar bill. She wasn't getting better. She was, but not to the extent I was making it seem. She remained in so much pain over Lucy. She was dying slowly from the knowledge that she had survived another car crash while her friend/ex-girlfriend had died instead of her.
I had known Lauren for more than 4 years and I knew that she was guilty about surviving it when Lucy never got the chance to survive it like she had before. Guilt weighing her down and the relief of being alive still; it was a hard pill to swallow.
"Do you think...No, forget I said anything. I wouldn't think it's possible."
"What? What are you thinking in that noggin of yours?"
"Well...A few months back, Normani and I got Lauren to tell us about what happened to you and her after that week of bliss you had in Miami. She may have accidentally let slip that she had remembered kissing Lucy and that's why you didn't get your chance then."
It all made sense now. The way she pulled away from me when she left me at the beach. The way she had distanced herself. The way she had left me stranded at the karaoke bar. How could I be just so stupid? I knew she was hiding something. I just never figured she would hide something so important as that.
However, if she had all her memories now, then she remembered every single thing I ever did to her. She knew of all our psychological warfare. She knew about all the times I told her to fuck off. All the times I grabbed her heart and squeezed it in my hand until there was nothing left. She knew how much of a monster I was.
I didn't blame her for running or if she took away her forgiveness for me which she had given to me months ago. She had every right to be hurt and not want anything to do with me. I didn't deserve it. After all I had done in order to try to win her back, I didn't deserve it. I could never compensate for my sins with a few things. I wasn't suitable for her and she was better off without me. I knew the day would come. I just hoped it would have come later, so much later.
"Mila? Are you still there? Can you hear me?"
I lost the ability to breathe, my lungs only getting shallow breathes as the panic settled in. I was getting a panic attack. My world was starting to spin with the knowledge that I had finally been successful. I had completely broken Lauren Jauregui. It never was my intention. I never wished to hurt her. In my struggle to not make her a part of all my problems, I immersed her into them until she had crushed under the weight of them.
"Mila? For fuck's sake. Mila! Fuck."
The reality of the whole situation was breaking me and I couldn't find a way to breathe. It was so hard to get oxygen into my chest. I could feel it tightening from the endeavor of having to fight the panic attack. My body fought with my mind trying to get it to comply with the requirements that came with staying alive--mainly breathing.
"I think she is having a panic attack. No. She hasn't had one in forever. I can't get her to respond. Call her mom. I'm going to stay on the phone until I know someone is there with her. Hurry."
I held onto my chest trying to find a way to breathe. I had to find a way, but it was useless. My mind wouldn't give it a rest as it panicked on and on about losing a certain green-eyed girl. After all the work I had put into myself to make it all better, I was about to lose her anyway. Why did I fool myself into thinking it would be possible?
"Mila if you can hear me, I just want you to know that you're worth it. You're worth something to me. You've made so much progress in these past months. You even made the effort to speak to your family and management about it. Something the younger you would have never done. I take pride in you Walz. Even if this is the end of the road with Lauren, just remember that you fixed yourself, not just for her but for yourself."
__________
My eyes fluttered open. Above me, the ceiling was not my ceiling, which meant I was not in my room. Where was I? I groaned as I tried to get up. The worst thing to do. My chest felt like an elephant and its entire family was sitting on my chest.
"Shit," I muttered hoarsely. My mouth was a landfill of cotton balls. I couldn't get enough saliva to coat the inside of my mouth so I could speak properly. I looked around my surroundings and saw that I was in a hospital room with lots of bright lights. I spotted that table thing that had wheels so you could move it over your bed to eat just a little out of my reach. It had water on it which I needed badly so I could do away with the feeling of cotton balls in my mouth.
Not seeing that there was someone in there to help me, I looked around for the remote so I could call a nurse to get it for me. If I tried to move more than I could, the elephant and its family would find a permanent residence in my chest.
I pressed the button and waited as patiently as I could for the nurse to get to my room. It took more than I was prepared to wait. It probably was only a minute or two but in my state of mind. It felt like it had taken her more than an hour to come to find out what I needed her for.
"Ms. Cabello. You're awake." The nurse said, coming into the room, cheerful and in a way better mood than I was. It was disgusting how cheerful she was being and she had only been here less than a minute. She started taking my vitals and checking to make sure I was all right.
"Wa...Water." I croaked not caring to be prodded and poked before I could get a sip of the liquid that would make everything feel better. The lady handed me a cup of water which I gulped down in seconds. "Thank you. Can I have another cup please?" I asked her once my voice didn't sound like I had a frog in it and it was clear enough to speak in proper sentences.
She gave me another cup. I thanked her once again before I drank it just a quickly as before.
"I'm Nurse Guerra. How are you feeling?" She checked the monitors and made sure everything looked great before she took out one of those blood pressure cuffs to wrap around one of my arms.
"I think I have got a family of elephants living on my chest," I told her honestly.
She chuckled. "That's one way of putting it." The cuff expanded and put pressure on my arm as it calculated my blood pressure. When it was through, she pulled it off, telling me, "It looks like everything is where it's supposed to be. Your parents went down to the cafeteria because we didn't think you'd be waking up for another hour or so. They'll be back soon."
I thanked her for the information and she left. I was entrusted to ponder on my own. I tried not to allow myself to fall into the same thoughts that had apparently landed me in the hospital. It wouldn't be safe to give my dad or mom another fright. Or Sofi. She was probably freaking out the most, my little Sof.
It was boring sitting here all by myself with no one to speak to or my phone. My phone. I had been on the phone with Dinah when I had passed out. Oh shit. I hope she was okay and not panicking. I would hope that my parents had called her to let her know I was okay. I did not want her to worry about little old me.
The door to my hospital room flung open and there was, the devil herself. Dinah Jane in all her glory stood before me, relief crossing her features when she saw that I was awake and not dying.
"Karla Camila Cabello. Don't you ever fucking do that to me again, you hear me? Your panic attack almost caused me to have one."
I knew she was not mad at me. She was glad I was fine but she was pretending because that was Dinah's defense mechanism when things got too painful. She joked to keep everything at bay.
"I'm sorry Cheech." She rushed to my side and pulled me into a great big hug. My chest constricted and I held back a groan of pain so as to not alarm her that hugging right now was very upsetting for me.
"I can't lose you. I know I always put up this front that I'm strong and nothing affects me but I would be unable to breathe if I lost you. I need you in my life Chancho. I can't lose my best friend." Dinah started crying and that's when I was defeated. I started crying with her until we were both hot messes. We held each other for God knows how much time.
"You're stuck with me for life," I said, pulling back so I could get some Kleenex to wipe my nose and get rid of all the disgusting mucus that was dripping out of it.
"Does that mean you're not going to leave the group?" Dinah asked me grabbing some Kleenex from the box that was on the table. She gave me some.
"At this point, I can't say yes and I can't say no. If this panic attack was just the being of all the ones to come, I don't consider it would be wise for me to stay. I mean, just thinking of Lauren being with someone else opposed to actually seeing it, caused me to have a panic attack. What occurs when I see her with someone new, someone who isn't Lucy? What happens when I see her loving someone else when I could have had her that way if I hadn't been a coward?"
"You do not know if that's the reason she left. You do not know whether it's because she remembered everything. For all we know she is just trying to mourn the death of her friend in peace."
"Well, either way, I am going talk to talk to Roger. I'm going to put the ball back in motion and see what can be done. I was willing to stay for her because I knew she was going to need all the help she could get, but I have to think what's best for me in the long run."
"The only reason we're about to start work on a third album is because you changed your mind and now they're including you. We've got things set up and you-you want to drop all of this because of some silly notion I put in your head?"
"No. I wish to put my health first and I need to heal. I wanted this to work, Dinah. Don't you see how much I tried? For God's sake, I wanted all of this with you guys, but I can't be around Lauren and her haunted look; the one I was trying to erase from my mind for a long time. I can't see it again and if I do...God knows what will become of me. I do not know if I'll ever be able to breathe if I see her haunted by all my mistakes. If I was not the reason why she ran away, why hasn't she talked to her parents or Taylor or Chris?
"Why hasn't she reached out to you, Ally or Normani? She's hiding out and no one seems to know where. We don't even know if she's going to go to Jingle Ball. It's been a little more than two weeks since I've seen her--since anyone has seen her. We're set to perform in a week! She's not going to come back as long as I'm here. If I leave, then she can be jovial. All of you can be happy without me."
"But that's the thing. I don't want to be happy without you. I want to make sure you're part of it. I want you here and the other girls do as well. I know they don't know you were going to stay but I'm sure they would be happy to know you had changed your mind."
"Lauren was happy when she was with Lucy and I was willing to let her go then and I have to be willing to let her go now. You know I planned to leave. You know all of this. If Lucy was still alive, the last Jingle Ball concert would have been my last performance and it can still be my last performance. I put it off for Lauren because I wanted to be there for her. If she's going to walk away, then I can too. I'm going to walk away and put this entire mess behind me. I'm going to focus on the one thing that has made me happier the last few months: music. My music. Something meaningful."
Dinah was not going to change my mind. It was set and I would not deter from it. I would not let her convince me to stay or any of the other girls. All the crap I pulled these past years, the ridiculous things I did to ruin Lauren, to put a wedge between the girls and me, it had to stop. To stop it, I was going to take myself out of the equation and make them happy again. They deserved happiness and most of all, Lauren deserved to be happy.
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Dinah
She was crazy. What was she thinking walking out on Camila like that? Didn't she know how much she loved her?
Fucking idiot. I swear, they were going to be the death of me. Both of them were trying to send me to an early grave.
"Dinah?"
"Don't you fucking say you don't know where she is because if you do, I won't hesitate to--" I started to threaten.
"Don't threaten me. I know where she is. I promise she's okay. Just shaken up and on a drinking binge."
Of course she was. I should have known she would be fooshily getting wasted. That was her choice of poison. Always was.
I sighed woefully, remembering all the times I had found her passed out on the sofa in the apartment she used to share with Camila. All the times that Normani would get those late night phone calls to go get her from whatever bar she decided to frequent that night.
"You're going to send me her location now and you better be on standby. Once I have devised a plan on how to get through to her, you're the first victim I'm sending."
"Ah, why me? She's not going to listen to me."
"Because you lied to Camila and you owe this to them, Chris. You and I both know that they belong together."
He sighed dramatically. "Fine."
I hung up with him quickly. If I was going to pull this off, I was going to have to call in reinforcements.
Searching through my contacts, I clicked on several people--who I was confident would be able to come through and would be more than willing to help me out--to add them to a massive group text.
Within seconds I had responses from many of Lauren's close friends, the girls (excluding Camila and Lauren of course), Chris, and Taylor; Chris only from being obligated by me.
Running through the available options in my head, I figured I'd send Chris and Taylor together as Chris would probably need backup from another Jauregui to get through to Lauren.
That was if, and a big if, she didn't end up tearing them a new one for meddling in her business.
A suicide mission it was. Call you what you like, Lauren was not going to like this. But the more people I sent, the more receptive she would be and if she didn't, well I had a backup plan.
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So, I killed off Lucy. I had my reasons for that. I figured since she vanished from Lauren's life, it wouldn't hurt to just take her out completely.
But yeah here's the part of chapter 34. I was really excited to post up the chapter where Lauren gets her memories back. I worked super hard on those, I hope you enjoyed them and that now you understand a little more why Lauren has just walked away. In the next chapter, we'll see a little more of Dinah's plan and how Lauren is coping.
Question: did you guys pay attention to what was in bold in the last chapter?
We have 4 more chapters before the end, 5 if we count the epilogue. I'm aiming to finish this by the end of the month.
Tell me what you think! ☺
--brknshdws