A/N: I really need to stop dragging my feet with this story. Sigh. Please let me know what you think...really miss you guys.
"I can't believe how...round you have gotten. What did you do; eat Ivan too?" Kris asked as she stared wide eyed at Lilith projected from her laptop. She had never been more excited to hear from her; it was the first since she had confirmed her safe arrival in Slovakia.
"No silly, it's almost time for this active niece of yours to blow this Popsicle stand. Gosh I can't wait; I miss laying on my stomach and my feet not swelling up on me ever chance it gets." She answered with the widest grin Kris had ever seen her wear.
"You don't seem too upset about it though..." She observed.
"Not in the least; I quite enjoy knowing that there is someone so special growing inside me. You should give it a try Kris. I think motherhood would look great on you." Lilith said with a sly wink.
"Oh, no fucking way. That is not for me and I am not even going to consider it anytime soon." Kris guffawed; crossing her arms as if the X they made were a shield of protection from Lilith's baby talk.
"Oh come on; haven't you ever thought about having a little tiny adorable version of you running amuck and about?"
"Never. I'm good Lils; my life is way too hectic to take on a little monster version of myself. With the club and everything else in between, I just cant." Kris said; feeling exhausted already by just listing the reasons why she was not into the tune of maternal strings. As far as she was concerns, they were too off key to strike up a proper melody anyway. It wasn't just that; the man she loved was a fucking spy who certainly would not have the time to be a father.
"What about marriage?" Lilith pressed with her attempts to make Kris settle down one way or the other.
"Another fucking no Lils. Are you out to scare me here?" She accused with eyes narrowed at her giggling friend.
"Never. I just want the best for you. Happiness is all..."
"Well I'm quite happy and completely content with the way things are now."
"What about Viktor?"
"What about him?" Kris asked and ignored the pang her heart made at the mention of his name.
Damn it she missed him so much. Why wasn't he answering her calls or texts? It had been three days since she last heard from him; wasn't he a tad bit concerned about her? What could he possibly be so wrapped up in that he couldn't answer her? What if he was hurt? What if he was fucking some other slut behind her back? Which nut sack would she peel first?
"Uh...Kris?" Lilith called and it staggered her out of her darkening thoughts. Something told her that it hadn't been the first attempt at her faded attention either. Clearing her throat and trying to mentally review where they had left off, Kris smiled and apologized for the spazzing out.
"Where did you go just now?" Lilith asked; her concern potent even from thousands of miles away.
"Sorry Lils, I was just pondering your questions. I don't really know how Viktor would feel about any of the above; I just know that he and I are not ready for it. To be honest, I don't know if I'll ever be ready."
"I'm sorry if I struck a bad chord there; I was just curious." Her friend said,
"No harm done."
Clearly sensing that she needed to change the topic, Lilith brightened and asked Kris how her visit home was going and if she had nailed a few planks of plywood over the door as yet to keep the twins at bay.
"Ha! As if that would stop those damn termites! They know how to sniff me out and they know just how to get to me, but I will admit that I do enjoy them. They're adorable and believe it or not we have a lot in common. All in all I'm enjoying my stay and finally I'm getting along with dad."
"Wow that's awesome Kris; I'm so happy you two have worked things out. What made the change though?" She inquired with her hands unconsciously caressing her rounded tummy.
Kris went on to explain what had happened that night she had met him in the hallway after her nightmare which turned out to be a memory. When she'd gotten to the part about the letter, Lilith had asked what it had said and she replied,
"I don't know."
"You haven't read it?" She frowned.
"Or opened it." Kris averted her eyes to hide her anxiety but the psychiatrist in Lilith was awake.
"What are you afraid of it saying?"
"Lils I don't know...I mean..." she paused with a sigh and then, "I've only asked the question all my life after that day. Why did she do it and couldn't she love me enough to stay? I've haunted myself with that rhetorical question and now..."
"Now you fear it's no longer going to be rhetorical but an answer that will sting worse than not knowing."
"On the head there doc..." Kris nodded.
Lilith looked off for awhile, clearly digesting what she now knew, mulling over the right response and finally approaching it.
"Though it is hard, in order to move forward, regardless the direction it would take us, we need to have closure Kris. Questions left unanswered are like standing still without a clue in which direction to move but with time reminding us that standing still is not an option. You have to move on and the only way that you can heal and no longer be trapped in the state of 'why' is to open that letter. Know that, if she had not truly loved you, she would not have left it behind despite her leaving you behind."
Kris was blinking back tears and she knew along with them, her fear was brimming over in her eyes. She was afraid. She was so very afraid. She wanted to open her letter and had even thought about just reading her dad's first, but every time she touched them, her hands shook, her breath became shallow and her anxiety made her stuff them back under her pillow. Maybe if Lilith was with her, she would have a bit more courage. Viktor would've been perfect for this moment as well...but...
She shook off the thought before it could consume her like before.
"I want to...but I'm so fucking afraid Lils."
"We fear what we do not know nor understand; but this is your time to conquer them. Kris, you are the bravest person I've ever known; I've always admired that about you. You have protected me from so many things and made me believe that I can crush my demons."
"Ivan deserves some credit Lils, but don't tell him I admitted that because I'll deny it to the end." She jabbed and made Lilith's eyes sparkle with mirth.
"Our secret and yes he does but he would've never gotten through to me if it weren't for you. My life was made easier because of you and to be honest, I was not my own cause of death...because of you. Even if it was just the thought of you suffering because I was too selfish to think about anything else but my pain and how badly I wanted to take my life; I couldn't do it to you..."
"I'm glad too...I would've followed you." Kris' eyes were quite serious when she uttered those words.
"This isn't the first you've said so." Lilith appeared awed by her best friend's declaration.
"Why do I get the feeling that you are only now taking me seriously?"
"It's not really that; more like my belief has been solidified."
"Lilith...loving you was too easy and too hard but I had to have it even if you could not return it the way I had wanted. Had I lost that one good thing that kept me from ending up in the place my mother had been trapped, I would have been long gone."
Kris saw then just how solidified that belief was becoming as she looked at her best friend. After having to open up to her about what was haunting her, Kris could tell that Lilith was taking her words in a different light with no disbelief. None of them wanted to go back to that dark place.
"I'm here for you Kris; you know that right?" Lilith asked; her worry quite potent even from so many miles away.
"I always knew, but now I have no doubt. Please stop worrying honey; I need you to stay in tip-top shape for when my little munchkin kicks in the door of your lady bits."
"You really do have a way with words Kris; haven't considered writing a book or two?" Lilith grinned as the emerald green eyed beauty stroked her imaginary beard...a very long one at that.
"Hmm...maybe. Probably later in life. Hope I didn't scare you there."
"Nah. I'm quite accepting of the trials my body will have to endure just to have this little darling. No fear here love."
"Good." Kris grinned.
"Speaking of birthdays...I feel horrible for not being there for yours Kris. I'm not sure if I fully thought this plan out before leaving. I should've done better and factor you in. Well, those were the days of being selfish Lilith; now I want to do everything I can to make it up to you."
Kris fanned it off with a chuckle. She was just happy to know Lilith cared this much about her to even feel any dismay.
"You don't know how much it means to me to know that. It's really ok though Lils. I mean, yes, in the beginning I was pretty butt hurt that you were leaving me behind, but now that we have talked, I'm ok with it. There will be other birthdays you and I could celebrate together."
"If you say so darling then I will let it go and yes we shall shake a tail on your next B-day. What about Viktor though; has he arrived as yet?"
Viktor...always working his way back into a conversation...
"Uh, well...no." Kris rubbed the back of her neck as she tried to tip toe around where this conversation could possibly lead.
"Well when is he coming?" Lilith asked; her keen eyes already narrowing in on Kris' squirming.
"He uh, he may not make it because he's currently on a very important job out of town."
Lilith just stared. She was not smiling nor frowning; just the blankest expression Kris had ever seen her pull. She wasn't quite comfortable with that because she wasn't sure which direction their little pow-wow was about to take.
"So...both of us ditched you on your birthday? This is really messed up. Just what is it that he could be doing that's so important? Is it a job for the Queen of England or something?"
Yep...she was perturbed.
"It's okay Lils; he didn't know that it was going to intervene. Listen, I'm not as bothered as you may think."
That was a lie.
"Why don't I believe you?" Lilith frowned.
"Just your inquisitive side at it again."
"Or my instinct..."
"Tomatoe, tomato."
"Kris is everything ok there? I mean, there aren't any issues I should know about are there?"
Did she always have to hit the proverbial nail on the god damn head?
"There are a lot of issues to work through at the club but nothing as sever was you may be assuming."
Partial truth was safer than a blatant, flat out no. Lilith would've seen through that too easily.
"That's all?" Her eyes were nearly closed how squinted they were.
"That's all love."
"And you and Viktor are happy right?"
"Very happy."
"Wish you would elaborate a bit." She mumbled as she rubbed her tummy and bit at her bottom lip.
Leaning in closer and perching her elbows on her desk, Kris sighed and looked off at nothing as she prepared to assure her best friend and chase away her worries. She knew the short to the point answer would not soothe her; Lilith was the type of woman that needed every question answered in lengthy detail. Damn shrinks' blood...
"Not just happy...I feel safe when I am with him. He snuck me you know; approached with so much stealth that I wasn't even aware how much in love I was with him until it kicked me in the gut. Hit me hard too but...it awed me. I just never thought that it was possible to love anyone again and I was ready to be alone for the rest of my life, but...Viktor refused to give up. Lilith, trust me when I say...I'm happy."
Was Lilith really crying? Kris smiled as she saw her friend inconspicuously attempt to dab at a tear that had welled in her eye.
"Some days you're just too adorable you know that?" Kris chuckled; feeling a dull pang in her heart that reminded her how much she really had been in love with Lilith. It wasn't so bad anymore...
"I don't know what you're on about but I am...I'm so happy for you Kris. More than you can imagine..."
"Meh! I've done nothing extravagant, but thank you nonetheless. So, when is my princess due?"
"Oh, real soon; she running out of space in there and getting cranky about it."
"Eviction day is right around the corner; tell her to chill. Make sure Ivan documents the entire thing."
"I had a tough time persuading him to cancel the film crew that he'd already booked." Lilith said sardonically.
"You're yanking me here..." Kris replied.
"Scout's honor."
"You were never a scout." Kris giggled as Lilith held up her hand in a pledge.
"Well it doesn't make it any less true and he was so disappointed about it but mom told him maybe on the next baby batch she would be able to convince me to consider it. They can hold their breaths."
Kris shook her head at the silliness of it all and the 'could you believe this shit?' expression on Lilith's face. She had her work cut out for her now that Ivan had the backing of her mother.
"Good luck on fighting them off."
"The ball is literally in my court so they have no say." She said; patting her rounded tummy.
"Touché my lady."
As she sobered from her chuckle, Lilith took a sip of water and winced just before tapping her tummy again.
"What's the problem?"
"She kicks like Beckham."
"That's my girl..." Kris said just before Lilith slid a chilly gaze her way.
"Back to the other topic though, I believe you should go ahead and read the letters. When was the last time you visited your mother's grave?"
Kris hadn't meant to wince; it just happened on impulse.
"I've never really visited it; not since the funeral."
"Really?" Lilith asked; inclining her head.
"Nope."
"Well...its time. I think it would be healthy. Go see her and read the letters there."
"That sounds scary." Kris deflated.
"I know baby, but you need this. It's time to truly get closure. Don't fear closure but embrace it. Besides, you're the strongest person I know; there's nothing you can't accomplish once you put your mind to it."
Kris smiled at the confidence her friend had in her. It was contagious perhaps because she was feeling a bit more assertive that she could handle this after all. It really was past due and though it was really scary...she missed her mom. This was the only way left to see her.
"Ok...I will do it..."
"Good girl. You've got this. Call me later if you need to talk. I'm sure little Beckham will make sure it's just a cat nap for mommy tonight."
Kris chuckled but deep inside, she was feeling pretty apprehensive about what she was about to venture into. What the hell...it had to be done.
***
Still beaming from her conversation with Lilith, Kris adjusted her coat and settled her shoulders into it as she trotted down the stairs. The light, muffled thumps of her sneaker cladded feet on the carpet made quick staccato sounds as she descended and finally made the right turn that would lead to the kitchen. She was pretty certain that she left her keys on the counter top. As she hummed to herself, crossing the hardwood floor, she smelled something absolutely delicious seeping by the threshold of the kitchen and into the foyer. Her stomach made a sound of appreciation and demanded she hunt whatever yumminess it was down and feed it to it at once. She was willing to obey.
Finding a slew of pastry chefs to be lined off or at least a few Keebler's elves at work, pretty much summed up her expectations when Kris peered into the kitchen, but the only soul present was the lovely Gwyneth happily piping the ruby red jam into a pastry. She stood in the entryway completely awed by the scene.
As if she'd sensed that she had an audience, Gwyn looked up in surprise to see Kris and immediately she smiled but caught herself. Kris had noticed it every time; Gwyn was afraid to express or give away any sign of emotions to Kris; probably because she had a history of hurting them. It was completely understandable. Reminding herself that she had a goal to achieve here, Kris lifted her lips and brows to make herself seem more inviting and shuffled into the kitchen.
It was as if Gwyn was in a horror movie the way her eyes swelled and she lifted herself slowly from her bent position over the pastry. You'd think she was watching the killer or the creature from the lagoon stock closer to her. Kris hadn't lost her knack for intimidation it appeared. Now was clearly not the time to celebrate that; she scribbled a mental post-it to give a toast to herself later. Okay, awkward conversational icebreaker approach in three, two, one...
"Smells like heaven in here..."
Ice...ka-boom!
The corners of Gwyn's lips began to twitch and eventually it discovered a smile. Kris sauntered up carefully, her own smile still intact and leaned over the counter as she ogled the tray of pastries that her stepmother was piping.
"Really? Would you like to taste it?" She asked as she picked up one for Kris and hand it to her.
Kris dropped her lower jaw and waited with her hands still clasped before her; yep, she was telling her to feed it to her. It was clearly overwhelming for Gwyn because her hands were shaking but she was simply overjoyed. Not hesitating another second, she steered the yummy strawberry jam cookie into her mouth and smiled when Kris' eyes rolled to the back of her head with contentment.
"That good? I'm making them for the party." Gwyn said timidly.
"Oh...my...yum-yums that is one amazing cookie. The filling, it tastes just like the delicious jam that's usually gracing the breakfast table in the mornings. Who makes it?" She asked between chews.
Gwyn beamed and stood a little straighter, clearly filled with pride.
"I make them."
"You're kidding..."
"Kid you not. I actually have a berry garden out back but sometimes I have to get the produce store bought. Otherwise I grow them and stew them myself to make jams."
Kris would've never guessed it but she was genuinely awed by Gwyn's talent.
"And the cookies?"
"I bake them myself. I guess I have a bit of a sweet tooth and a little passion for treats; this is my outlet."
"Damn Gwyn..." Kris calmly exclaimed...if that was possible...it was...
Gwyn flinched slightly and asked what was wrong.
"The only thing that's wrong is that you don't have your own chain of bakeries by now."
"Well...it's not that I've never dreamt about it..."
"What stopped you; I mean these are amazing!" Kris couldn't resist snatching up another and so she did.
Gwyn smiled as she went back to piping the other naked cookies; she made the technique look effortless and uniformed but Kris knew that if left to her, she would run out of jam and have a lot of left over naked cookies.
There really was no such thing as 'leftover cookies' though...
"Well, I had more important matters to focus on so..."
"More important? Gwyn, it literally tastes as if I am eating your hopes, dreams and aspiration and it is fricking amazing."
The comment left Gwyn grinning and she had to pause before she could continue piping.
"I've only heard about your witty sense of humor; glad to finally experience it."
"Better days to come and lots of time for you to catch multiple side stitches if I have anything to do with it. But seriously, what stopped you; you have so much talent."
Gwyn's smile was as if her thoughts were in a distant place or as if she was reflecting. Maybe she was just wondering how best to explain herself.
"I had a husband and three lovely girls to take care of; it really wasn't that big of a sacrifice when considering why I did it."
Kris was taken aback by her words. Gwyn had given it all up for her family. Of course...
Suddenly, Kris felt very rotten. She stood up straight, though a bit awkwardly and tucked her hair behind one ear as she struggled to swallow the remnants of the cookie she was slaughtering. For the twins, she understood and for her dad, yes, but not for Kris. It wasn't considered a fair deal for Gwyn to have given up what she always wanted just to deal with Kris' adolescences to adulthood bullshit. If only she could've seen things a bit differently back then but it was near impossible with all that was going on in her life. She suddenly felt so selfish.
"I'm sorry..." It came out without really meaning to but she was quite content with it; it had been a long time coming. Apparently, it had caught Gwyn way of guard and she physically jolted from those two little yet sincere words. No matter their size though, they packed a punch.
"Kris..."
"No...I need to say this and I have to apologize. You have...you have tried so hard to be there for me and I in return have done my best to hide myself away from you. I took you for granted Gwyn."
"I don't see it like that." she deflated; averting her gaze.
"That's because you're too sweet to be cruel or see bad in anyone. It's a crazy way to live but if it works for you..." Kris said sarcastically with a light hearted shrug. It helped Gwyn smile a bit.
"I wouldn't say that either; I know what bad people look like. I'm not so naive to think they don't exist, but I would never deem you to be one. You endured so much at such a young age...I just...I just wanted to help you heal."
Help her heal...
It sounded so simple when said it like that. Why had it always appeared so hard though? It should have never gotten to this point but Kris couldn't see pass her pain. Well, now she was going to allow herself to let it go.
"Help me heal huh? I guess I could use that now. I didn't make it easy for you Gwyn...I'm painfully aware of that and I'm...I'm really regretful about that."
"It wasn't that bad Kris."
"I was the spawn of Satan, please, it was horrible. I guess I felt betrayed in a sense, not by you but dad. He was ready to move on and I wasn't. I felt alone in my pain and because I figured only I understood it, I was content to keep it to myself."
Gwyn placed the piping bag down and wiped her hands on her apron. It looked as if she needed a moment to distract herself before she said what she really wanted to. Kris was going to practice a little patience and wait for her to feel ready enough. It was clear when that moment arrived because Gwyn lifted her head and with eyes that appeared a bit shinier than normal, she looked at Kris and took a deep breath.
"I understood...that's why I was willing to wait for this day; no matter how far away it could be. When I met your father, he gave the impression of being a strong, confident man; nearly untouchable, well to everyone else. To me, though he tried the same tactics, I knew better. His hurt was always layered beneath every strained smile and from the distance he placed between himself and others. He tried hiding it from me but it never worked. I guess, I really broke him down until he let me see who the real Mason Hilton was. He...he was devastated. Inside him was just this void but ironically it was filled to the brim with pain and regret and failure. All he did was poured it all in that pit and faked it for the masses."
Damn, her father sounded familiar...
Kris shifted uncomfortably at the thought of how close to home it was for her.
"It took some time for him to consider accepting me as someone to trust, so I was never looking forward to being accepted as someone he could love...even though I was already in love with him. You might not know it, but it had been two years after your mother's passing that I met Mason, and then another two years later he asked me to marry him. I'd never even met you yet so I refused him until he decided to allow it, but your father is a very persistent man. I gave in after a few months and accepted. I accepted even though I knew that there would be a little girl that will hate my guts from the moment I stepped foot into this house. The bright side was what made me do it; I didn't want her to grow not having at least a mother figure in her life. But Kris it was never my goal to replace your mother. That's impossible."
"It was hard accepting that back then but I get it now." Kris murmured; her throat constricted.
Gwyn shook her head and it made a tear slip from her eye. She quickly dabbed at it but continued to speak.
"It's cruel to even consider replacing her but there was a point where I thought that that's what I was to your father. The first time I saw your mother's picture was after I'd moved in. I was so upset with your father that I left him for a few weeks after saying 'I do'."
"You left dad? Wait, where the hell was I and why did you do it?" Kris was genuinely surprised.
"You were here...but not. Avoiding me at all costs was your thing so I didn't expect you to notice that I was missing."
"Well, I sucked." Kris said feeling quite disappointed in herself.
Gwyn smiled and assured her that she felt no odds about it.
"Again, you were still going through the shock of having a look alike of your mother shuffling about in your home to really notice the change. I was actually happy you hadn't noticed."
"I'm really sorry I didn't. So...what did dad say?"
"He finally broke. He came to find me, and once I was in arms reach he never let me go. We both were a snotty mess that night but it was much needed." There was a fond smile upon her lips as she recollected the memory of her reunion with Mason.
"Well, I wanted to make up for the shitty times I helped sponsored. I had no idea it was that bad on you and dad's end. Better yet, I was too selfish to care and I now regret it. I can't take back the hard times Gwyn and I'm not really sure how to do this 'gently loving stepdaughter' stuff just yet...but if you give me a chance, I will try."
Gwyn was all but consumed by the tears she was fighting to hold back. She was a champ because Kris hadn't mastered that level of tear damming as yet.
"Thank you Kris. This...this means so much to me."
"I might be awkward at first but...you...you wanna hug it out for a sec?" She asked with arms opened and extended and her head cocked to the right with a silly grin. It was enough to drive a grin to Gwyn's flushed face, but Kris heard the underlying sobs that hid beneath her chuckle.
Tears were there when the heart is broken and when it was mending...
After the hug had ended and the tears had enough of the exhibit, Gwyn nudged another cookie at Kris and asked if she was headed somewhere.
"Oh yeah, I actually came to get my keys...I have a little stop to make."
Perhaps it was the way her eyes had clouded over with anxiety that tipped Gwyn off that something was up.
"Mind if I asked where?"
Kris paused for a moment and sighed heavily before saying, "To my mom..."
Gwyn looked surprised, taken aback, embarrassed for being inquisitive and uneasy all in the space of five seconds.
"Oh..." she stammered.
"Yep." Kris said curtly.
"I see..."
"Mm-hmm..."
"Well..." Gwyn started to say then paused.
"Well?" Kris prompted with on arched brow.
"Well...if it's ok...would you like company?"
Not quite what Kris had expected to hear...
"Company? You mean..." she wagged her head about a bit as she delayed the question.
"I meant...would you like for me to come with you?"
All that fresh rosy color that had flushed Gwyn's face was draining away and leaving her pale. Clearly it had taken a lot out of her to ask.
But Kris had to really think about it; did she want to be alone for this? Not really but she would have rather it be Viktor. However, that evasive little Russian was nowhere to be found at the moment and not even attempting to pick up his cellphone. Shit...but was Gwyn the only option...was she even an option at all?
"It's ok...I mean I know that this will be a personal event and I'd hate to intrude if you'd rather do it alone. Besides, I still have much to do for the ball tomorrow."
"Sure..." Kris said.
"Right, so I'll get back to-"
"No Gwyn I meant sure you can come."
Kris really had a way of making this woman speechless...
All the blonds really; they just can't resist my charms!
She was going to buy her little internal voice a Netflix membership to keep it occupied.
"You mean it?" Her stepmother whispered.
"I mean, unless you are too busy I can go al-"
"No!" Gwyn not only made Kris jump but herself as well.
She yanked her apron off without even untying it and dashed over to the glassed pane backdoor to kick off her house shoes and adorn some flats. Swiping her fingers through her illustrious blonde hair and dusting a bit of flour off the sky blue knitted sweater, she beamed at Kris and told her that she would drive.
"You can handle stick shift?" Kris smirked with amusement.
Returning the smirk, Gwyn replied, "I grew up on a farm honey; daddy would have it no other way..."
That had the raven hair beauty bursting with laughter.
***
"I take it back Gwyn, you missed your calling in NASCAR." Kris said as she unbuckled her seat belt and opened her car door.
"Was it too fast?" Gwyn asked looking impish.
"It was awesome lady; bet dad doesn't let you drive much."
"He says my foot favors fourth gear a bit too much. I'm still oblivious as to what he's on about."
She didn't look one bit oblivious and that was what made Kris grin. She needed the distraction from the tension that was building up behind her neck and the ball of anxiety in her chest. What she was about to do was cross the margin of closure. It was what she had needed all along but too troubled to acknowledge it. It was a wise thing having Gwyn along; this was not something that she could do alone. Kris could feel the folded letters scraping against the interior of her jacket as a reminder that all the final words her mother had wished to say were right there next to her heart.
Though Gwyn was giving her light conversation to distract her, her heart was a harsh thud against her ribcage that didn't concern itself about her fixed breaths and slow pace. Kris' feet stopped moving; they just froze where she stood and she felt her body taking with a tremor. For a moment she thought it was an earthquake taking place but she knew otherwise because Gwyn was standing before her, holding her shoulders and miming something to her that could barely be heard over the humming in her ears.
"Kris honey, look at me..."
She heard that and it took so much effort for her eyes to focus because her vision was tunneling out.
Gwyn took both of her hands and pressed both thumbs and indexes into the pressure points of Kris' hands. The borderline pain was soothing and it made her head clear a bit. Kris could see her better now and even hear what she was saying.
"Nod your head if you can hear me baby."
Kris nodded twice and felt the wet splash of tears on her face. When the hell did they even surface?
"Ok good girl, now focus on my breathing and match what I do." She said as she placed and held one of Kris hands flat against her chest. She was warm and her breathing was much slower than Kris'. Slowly, the burning in her throat calmed and she felt her chest rising and falling in sync with her stepmother's.
"I'm...I'm okay now." She whispered.
"Can you stand?"
"Stand?"
When the hell had she fallen? Kris was on her knees and Gwyn was just the same; dirtying her light blue jeans.
"Um...yeah. I can stand." And so she did with the help of Gwyn and her coaxing soothing words. Ah the wonderful joy of anxiety attacks.
Once they both got their feet beneath them and Gwyn was convinced that she could trust her to stand on her own, she let her go and Kris continued the last few steps that brought her to the black marbled head stone. Her mother's name was etched deep into it along with her birth and death day. It was as if every day, moment and memory that that hyphen represented between those two important dates were just meaningless. But it was not so....they all meant everything to Kris. That little hyphen that separated Katelyn's beginning and end was more powerful, more extraordinary and significant than anything else. Time spent together dwelled there, every tear she had spilled, all the joyous laughter she had embraced; everything was there and did no justice with just a hyphen. Kris would give anything to access the power of that little symbol, but there was nothing she could do but focus on her own.
"I'll be right here honey..." Gwyn whispered from beside her just before she stood back and allowed Kris a moment.
It had been so long...
The last she'd stood here was at her mother's funeral; the day that she had to face the reality that what really happened to Katelyn was real. She had never come back until this moment. Was it one of the reasons that her mother had haunted her subconscious? She was not at rest because her little girl had refused to come visit her. Yes, it had to be so and Kris nodded her head as she fought tears and bent to clear the old flowers from her mother's grave.
"I'm such a bad daughter for not bringing you flowers..." she whispered; brushing away fallen leaves and not caring about the dirt on her hands. She sniffed as she settled onto her knees and wiped her eyes with the back of her hands.
"Maybe next time right?" she smiled at the headstone and brushed her fingers over the engraved letters.
"Hi mom...I've missed you...everything inside me...just misses you. I may not have acted like it because I really took my time coming here...but it was...it was so hard. Even after I had no choice but to accept that you were gone...I just couldn't do it." She whimpered.
Her throat was swollen with the need to sob but she was not ready just yet to give herself over to them. So she pulled out the letters in her coat pocket and unfolded the one that was meant for her father first.
"Dad finally felt as if I was ready for these now. Don't be mad at him though; I wasn't particularly easy on him. So...I'm ready now...to hear what you had to say. Maybe...maybe this will make things better."
Kris slid the papers from her father's worn envelop and lifted the folded ends till they were wide open. With a gasp she shuddered at the beautiful handwriting of her mother. The papers felt as if they possessed power; as if the last burst of her mother's life force remained trapped inside them. It could all be in her head, but the shiver that ran through her did not leave her feeling cold but safe and warm. Before her eyes could blur over again, Kris took a shaky breath and dove head first into the words scribbled artfully over the page.
"Mason...I've never known real love like I have with you. It is unbreakable and demanding to be accepted but never with force. You, my balm, my love, my everything...you have done all you could and I love you for it. There have been days when I wondered why you insisted on keeping me around. I know now that it wasn't just because of our beautiful daughter, but genuine love.
I wish I was as strong as you. I wish my love could be like yours...I've wanted it so bad but I keep failing. It's not your fault Mas. It never was. No one else could put up with me the way you have. It takes a special kind of man to love a woman like me.
There's something clawing at me from inside out. I try so hard to ignore it and every time I believe I have willed it away, it comes back. How could I stop this? That's all I ask myself...but there's no answer given that isn't so final. No pill taken that numbed it enough. No therapy strong enough to break me out of this pain.
I'm dying. Every day I cling onto you and Kris and hope that it is enough to make it stop. Most of the time it is...but it's gotten worst.
Please...don't hate me. It's\ too much to ask you but as what I am about to do is a selfish act, so is this request.
I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I wanted to be more...wanted to heal...wanted to see Kris perform in her recital...wanted to take awkward pictures of her as she grew older...senior prom...graduation...seeing her off to college...God...
I wanted all of that...
For you, I wanted to be the best wife ever as you were the best husband ever. I wanted to greet you with a loving smile every day after work; not a gloomy depressed frown. I wanted to go to the lake house with you once more...do you remember it Mas? Remember how happy I was? I felt my smile then...now, I don't even know if I'm doing it right anymore.
At the end...in the end...you did everything you could for me...only I failed you. And I am...so sorry. Today, I watched you get dress for work and my heart skipped so many beats that I thought maybe I don't have to do this after all...but I know better. I'll cherish every memory I shared with the love of my life and I hope one day, when it doesn't hurt so much, you would find her; the woman that was meant to grow old with you.
I'm taking Kristen for a fun day today; as I write this, she is spinning about the house in her beautiful pink dress. What an angel. I love our little girl and I guess I'm selfish enough to want one last moment with her. Remember that party favor store in town where we met? I think I'd like to revisit it just once more. Also, I've left another letter but it is for my baby girl. Please, when she's old enough and perhaps when she hates me less...give it to her. I can't believe I'm leaving her behind. I don't want to...I want to hold onto her forever. My heart aches to stay for her sake at least...but I can't keep hurting her...I can't stay. My poor baby; she deserve the world...
I love you Mason...I always will...never forget that.
With all my love,
Katelyn"
She had no idea that she was sobbing so loud. She wasn't aware when Gwyn had decided to embrace her and kiss the top of her head. Kris couldn't understand how she had made out every word through the cloudy mist of tears. All she knew was that she was that little girl in the pink dress that sat broken on the sidewalk all over again. Her mother had planned it all. Well the letters were a testament to that but reality sometimes delayed its moments to kick in. It hit harder when it did. Her mom had suppressed her tears the entire day they'd been out; fighting with the disquiet inside her that she wanted to take her life but didn't want to let Kris go. Would she have taken her too? Would that have made it any better? She didn't want to ponder too hard on those thoughts but instead she wanted and needed to know what her mother's last words were for her.
Her fingers shook as she dropped her father's letter and tried to lift the seal on her own. She couldn't get her hands to work like they should. Gwyn's hand covered hers and she heard her whisper that she would open it for her. Kris could only nod as the unrefined pain of loss raked down her insides. Was this what her mother had felt every day?
"I can't see the words..." she sobbed when Gwyn had given her the letter that had fallen.
"Would you like for me to read it for you?" There was something so tender and caring in this woman's voice that it instantly knocked the pain down a few notches. It was enough to help Kris breathe. She lifted her and looked up at Gwyn. There was a gentle expression in those green eyes and it was so real and so patient. Only a mother could do this. Kris nodded and felt fresh tears well in her eyes.
Gwyn adjusted their positioning. She made Kris sit with her in the grass and lay her head into her lap. Stroking the frizzy curls away from her step daughter's face, she made sure she was tucked in enough to feel her warmth and soothed her with the light caress of her palm over her back and shoulders as she prepared to read the letter. When Kris had calmed down enough and she wasn't as tense as before, she began to read the last words of the woman her husband had loved the most. There was no envy or jaded thoughts, just a sadness that her absence had brought about for the people that mourned her.
"Krissy...my baby girl. I could remember the day you came into this world; a bittersweet pain that was. But when I held you...oh. I lived in that moment. Nothing could be more beautiful. You were my world all adorned with plump red cheeks and a head full of curls. Something about that moment just makes me regret what I am about to do.
No daughter should go through this. You have been the sweetest thing ever and the one thing I feel I came the closest in doing right. For that, I wanted to hold on you even through the pain...but my grip brings you nothing but pain. A mother's arms should mean safety, protection, happiness...love. My love for you is not giving you all those things, but it is no fault of yours baby girl.
Mommy doesn't regret any moment she's had with you. They are my treasures. I... I just wanted to be more for you. I wanted these arms to make you safe not afraid. Don't hate me baby. Please...and do not stay angry forever. My hell is knowing that I just might destroy you and make you more like myself by staying...or leaving. I find more hope for you in the latter.
I hope I can make you smile just one more time today. I hope that it will not ruin you. Hope is all I have left. I'm sorry that I was so selfish. I'm sorry I let this happen. You are indeed the hardest part of letting go...but I feel in my heart that I have to.
So...at the end of all this, what words can I leave for my daughter?
Let go. Do not let this moment define who you are. You are stronger than what I am fighting and braver than I could ever dream of being. Grow smiling, grow feeling loved, not pain, do not be afraid to open your heart and do not be afraid if it breaks. And when you become a mother one day, make me proud as you always have. Being your mother, though for short time, well...I am honored.
Please forgive me. I need you to...
I love you princess...
Mommy"
Gwyn's tears were hard to hold back now. She held Kris close to her and though her sobs were not as loud, she felt every piece of her stepdaughter's heartache.
What had been harder; Katelyn letting her go or Kris being forced to do so?
It was all so distressing, but in every word, Kris' mother tried to remind her that she loved her and she took this one regret with her to the grave. It didn't ease the pain knowing that, and understanding the why was still a bit harsh to accept, but the one thing Gwyn could appreciate was that Katelyn had not left Kris to wonder lost through life suffering the horrible echo of one word: Why?
"I've got you love. I've got you..." Gwyn cried.
She had her and no matter what, she would not let go. Replacing Katelyn was never her agenda, but continuing where she left off...that was all she wanted for Kris' sake.
"I've got you..."
***
The Night of the Party...
To say that yesterday had been exhausting would be an understatement. The understatement of the year to be exact and the irony was that all she did was cry a lot and ate the same measure in pastries and ice cream. Gwyn had been generous enough to bring them back home, ran Kris a warm bath and put her to bed after a snack she insisted she took. Two PM pills later and she awoke feeling rested yet puffy eyed. Gwyn secured a remedy with a few slices of cucumber and skin hydrator. It took a whole lot to convince her that she was actually feeling better. The woman refused to leave her alone; she had gone full 100 into protective mode. Perhaps Kris wasn't the only one who felt changed after that much therapeutic graveside weep-o-thon. There was a bit more boldness to even out her stepmother's gentleness. In all honesty, she loved it.
It was her birthday today...
There should be a bit more excitement to go with that thought but she lacked fuel. Not food of course but the man she loved. Today of all days she had expected for him to take the time and at least send her a text message with some lame yet sappy birthday wished. Lilith and Ivan had made a whole video and spectacle of themselves in it. Watching a pregnant broad and a wide shouldered awkward as fuck Russian perform the Margarita was pure entertainment that she had not even lost a dime for. So what if Ivan had threatened to torch her club if the video was accidently uploaded to Youtube; she was willing to chance it. There was always time for blackmail later. It would serve as ammo.
As she stood before the full length mirror, dazzling in a jewel encrusted nude gown with intricate embellishment, she gave herself the once over. Her hair had been swept back at the sides and pinned with two diamond hair combs. The rest was pulled up and artfully braided to leave her back completely exposed as the dress had intended. Where it began again was just at the curve of her hips to continue to fall until a little train of cloth brushed the floor. Kris tried this time not to yield too much cleavage; wouldn't want any of her father's friends or associates accosting her in a dark corner. She was too cute to go to jail.
Her eyes looked mystifying due to the skillful shadowing of her eye make-up and her lips...they were supple with the chocolate hue of her matted lipstick. The birthday girl looked like a princess...
"All I need is my prince..." Kris whispered to herself as her eyes stung. She was going to ruin her make-up. Crying was not something she could control these days and it could be because her rock was so far away from her. Kris placed her hand over her aching heart as she checked her cell phone once more for a chance of a message she might've missed. But there was nothing. Was he even okay? What if he had gotten hurt? Should she try calling again?
She went to her call log where his number was listed but stopped...
What if he couldn't talk now?
"Fuck..." She moaned and failed to catch the tear before it escaped. She wanted Viktor here now. She needed him and there was no way that she could fake a smile and rub shoulders with the people downstairs without breaking down. She was going to scream because she was really fucking losing it-
...there was a knock at the door.
Damn those twins always knew when to interrupt. Kris dabbed at her eyes and when another but slower knock came, she told them to come in. Her eyes would be red so she avoided looking up as she went back to her vanity for her make-up brush.
"I'm almost done girls; just give me a sec to finish the beautification process. It gets harder the older you get you know?" She said with a nervous chuckle that could be mistaken for jovial.
"What else could you possibly need to do..."
Kris froze.
No...she really froze. Ice had crept up her spine and encased her into glacier. Somehow, she managed though to lift her head first. She turned slowly and for a few seconds she died, went to heaven, hi-fived the g-man up there and came back to life...
"....you're already the most beautiful woman I've ever seen."
There he was; the man her heart had been pining for from the moment he left her side. The way he wore his black tuxedo was too close to the sin of lust to be healthy. All that lushes golden hair combed and coifed to perfection and damn it to hell... that grin! Crooked in the most wicked angle it had ever been!
He was here! He was right there and she was moving towards him but had to stop.
Kris lifted her left arm and started pinching herself till she could feel pain. His hands enclosed hers and he stopped her. His movement had been so swift and silent.
"Stop love...it's really me." He said as his fingers kneaded the place she had assaulted on her arm.
Kris' eyes glassed over with tears and her breath shuddered violently in and out of her as she observed him in awe. His eyes were...haunted? Had he felt the dread and pressure of their separation as well?
"Is it...really?" She whimpered
"Yes koketka. Let me convince you..."
Her lover bowed over her and captured her lips with the heated graze of his fingers sliding along her jaw. His arm encircled her and kept her upright because if he hadn't she would have total knee failure. It tasted like him but...more, just more; as if he had starved himself without her and he was famished. He tasted so right and though their lips had parted in a battle for the last bit of air between them, Kris was ready to marry them once more. She pressed her forehead to his and closed her eyes.
"Viktor..."
"Tell me what you need me to do koketka..."
"Hold me and never leave me again..."
Viktor pulled away and with much intensity his eyes bore deep into hers. Again, Kris saw the haunted look in his eyes...
"I promise I won't if you promise the same..."
There was something so ominous about the way he had said it but...
"I promise..."
F