Requested by DepressionattheProm
I hope I created something worthwhile and something nice to remember your friend by. It was really hard for me to write this and I am terrified as I post it since I know how much this means to you.
I can't even begin to imagine what kind of pain you are experiencing. The loss of a dear friend is an awful thing to experience.
I hope I manage to take your mind off of it for just a moment and create some hope for the future. I wish you all the best, my love.
I'm here if you need to talk to me. And thank you for trusting me, above all others, to write this oneshot for you that is so close to your heart.
<♥>
Big, blue and grey eyes. Oh, how you missed them.
There weren't words to describe the aching pain in your chest. The suffocating loneliness, the blinding sadness.
But it wasn't just sadness. That didn't even come remotely close to how you felt. Overwhelming pain, sorrow and grief. And all it left was a sense of emptiness, as if there was nothing there inside of you anymore.
Her smile. How it could light up an entire room and make everyone happy for just a moment. Such a beautiful thing, such an amazing, admirable thing. But gone.
She had been whisked away from life way before her time. She wasn't ready yet and neither were you. Your best friend. The one who had always been there when no one else was. The one who pulled you up from your darkest pits and made everything seem so much brighter.
Rachel.
There was no other like her. A magnificent soul with the kindest heart anyone had ever seen. Seemingly so black and white, yet a burst of colour and sunshine to you. She was your whole world.
Time and time again, when you needed her, she was there. Doing anything she could to soften every bit of pain you felt. Whether it was as simple as a papercut from that blasted new notebook with edges that were way too sharp to be safe or whether it was something deeper, something emotional and torturous.
It didn't matter how bad it was, how much it hurt, with her presence, her simply being the ray of sunshine she always was, she cleared the fog in your mind and created a sincere smile on your lips.
Happiness, you felt it whenever she was around. But now she wasn't and she would never be again. Just a pale ghost following you wherever you went, an empty spot of nothingness.
Was she there? Or was she completely gone?
You desperately clung onto anything that indicated her presence, a heinous desire to touch her, feel her, hear her. You wanted her back in your life. You wanted to embrace her after a while of not seeing her, watch films with her every Sunday night, discuss the latest celebrity gossip and drool over as many fictional characters as you could.
It didn't feel right doing those things by yourself. Hell, nothing felt right anymore now that she was gone.
Life had turned into death.
You were breathing, talking, moving, but you didn't feel alive anymore. It was like you died with her. As if the second her soul left her body, you went along with her, holding her hand and guiding her through her final journey.
It was what you desired. To just follow her would be such a relief. You'd be able to see her and the sadness would be gone. You would be happy forevermore, never having to worry again. It would be perfect.
No.
Rachel wouldn't have wanted that. And you couldn't do it. No matter how much pain hit you every single second of every single day, the thought of death remained so terrifying that you had to stop imagining it. A relief, on one hand, a permanent fate on the other. You weren't ready for that. She wasn't ready for that.
But you still had a choice while hers was taking away from her. Forcefully, unfairly, inhumanely. Way too soon.
That couldn't hold you back, though. Dwelling on an everlasting destiny was a torture itself. Moving forward was the key and you knew it was the right thing to do.
Then why did it hurt so much?
The feeling of abandoning the person you loved so deeply was scary and hurtful. She would always stay in your mind, a secure place in your heart. You wouldn't leave her, not forever, not while you still had that choice.
Yet whenever you tried to be happy, that exact thought pulled you back. You couldn't let it keep doing that. But you did anyway. Your grief had a power too great over you.
<Flashback>
''Come back here, you!'' You laughed, chasing after her.
''Gotta catch me first, slowpoke.'' Rachel retorted, teasingly waving your phone above her head as she kept running around the flat.
You giggled, stopping to lean against the sofa and catch your breath. ''Fine! You win! You can look at the texts.''
Rachel squealed in excitement and hurriedly unlocked your phone. ''What was this Romeo's name again?''
You rolled your eyes. ''Stop it. It's not like that.''
''Oh, really?'' She taunted, a mischievous glint in her eyes.
''Yes, really. We're just friends,'' you said, trying your best to keep the blush far away from your cheeks, with no success.
''You are totally in love with this guy!'' Rachel exclaimed, bouncing in her seat.
''Am not!''
''Oh, come on! Just admit it, (Y/N). You're in looooove.'' She giggled.
You snatched the phone back, a soft smile on your face as you sat down next to her. ''Maybe a little,'' you admitted shyly.
''I knew it!''
You laughed along with her as you shook your head in amusement. Unlocking your phone, you clicked open the conversations and showed it to her.
''Sherlock Holmes,'' Rachel said, using her best, posh British accent.
You laughed. ''Just read the texts.''
Her eyes scanned the many text bubbles, looking for something juicy to use against you. ''You were truly magnificent last night,'' She read out loud, followed by a gasp. ''You didn't!'' She squealed.
You rolled your eyes. ''Of course, I didn't! I only just met the guy. He's talking about a case I helped him solve.''
''Yeah, right,'' Rachel mumbled, giggling lightly as she continued to read. ''He's totally into you,'' she hummed.
''You think?'' You wondered, biting your lip.
''Obviously. Just look at the way he talks to you. He's definitely smitten.''
''I don't know,'' you muttered shyly.
''Stop dragging yourself down so much, (Y/N)! You are a wonderful person and I can tell he notices that, too.''
''Thank you, Rach.'' You laughed.
''No problemo. That's what friends are for, am I right?''
You nodded. ''That's why I love you.''
''I know.'' She smirked.
You playfully smacked her arm. ''Arse.'' You laughed.
<Flashback Ended>
''Darling?'' Sherlock spoke softly as he gently opened the bedroom door, letting some of the light from the outside world into your dark, solitary confinement.
''Yeah?'' You croaked, voice laced with held back tears.
''I made you some tea with biscuits.'' He held the plate up in front of you as he approached the bed.
''Not hungry,'' you answered, turning away from the door.
He sighed. ''I know, but you need to eat. You're hurting yourself so much more than necessary.''
You stayed silent.
His footsteps came nearer and you felt the bed dip next to you. A large hand smoothed down your hair and stroked your cheek endearingly. ''She wouldn't have wanted you to neglect your own needs like this,'' he whispered.
You buried your face in your pillow. ''Don't say that, please,'' you begged, on the verge of tears.
Sherlock bit his lip, staring at his feet as he continued to stroke your cheek.
Your entire body trembled as silent tears made their way down the sides of your face. ''I miss her, Sherlock. I miss her so much.''
''I know you do, Love. She was such an amazing person.''
You nodded and curled into a tighter ball underneath the duvet. Sherlock moved it away and carefully got into the bed, as well. He wrapped his arms around you from behind and buried his face in your greasy hair.
You turned around in his grip and cosied up to him, letting the tears flow freely as sobs racked your body. Sherlock didn't say a word, knowing it wouldn't be of any help. He simply held you tightly and stroked your back and hair, occasionally pressing a kiss to your head.
''Do you- Do you think she's happy?'' You cried.
Sherlock's grip tightened. ''I don't know, Love. But I do know that right now, she's watching you and crying, too.'' He swallowed his threatening tears and continued, ''I hate seeing you so broken, (Y/N). But I promise you I will help you get through this no matter what. You are not alone, okay? I know I could never replace her and I wouldn't even dream of doing so, but I will try my hardest to create a smile on your face for as long as I live. Rachel would have wanted nothing more than that.''
His words opened the floodgates all the way and you couldn't help but cry more as you held onto him for dear life.
''She loved you, (Y/N) and she always will. Just like me.''
Nothing would ever be able to replace the hole her death left in your heart, but over time, you would learn to deal with it, learn how to cope.
One day, you'd be smiling again as sincerely as you did when she was still here.
You would forever miss her. But with the people in your life and with Sherlock, you knew that with time, you'd be alright. It's what Rachel would have wanted and what you desired to achieve.
Eventually, you would heal and all would be well again.
As well as it could be.