After that big bombshell you quickly do all that you can to lighten the mood.
"What's the time?" You sigh, unravelling yourself from Bucky after a few minutes of just silently holding each other close.
"Ahh, two o'clock," he says looking around the room for the clock.
"Well I guess that's our cue to get ready and go get the kids then." You huff as you roll out of the bed begrudgingly.
"I don't know if I'm excited or disappointed by that prospect." Bucky grunts as he hops out the other side and reaches for his pants. "I can't wait to see the kids but this was so nice."
"Agreed." You nod as you do up the clasp of your bra. "Why not have a little fun with it then?"
"What did you have in mind?" He quirks an eyebrow curiously.
"I was thinking that I hide while you go pick them up and see their reactions since they aren't expecting you." You smirk cunningly. "If you're up to it of course. I'll stay close by and watch."
"Oh that's brilliant." Bucky laughs. "I can't wait."
"Excellent." You beam. "I'll ring Peggy and get her to get the kids to answer the door when we go there. Oh and a heads up for the school, no one apart from my close mum friends really have any idea what's going on, they just haven't seen you in a while and even then those who do know something's up don't know the full details."
"Thank god." He huffs. "I'm not ready for the drama of all that yet. I dread the day that it's all going to come out."
"Lets just hope it doesn't," you agree. "So just act your normal self and you'll be fine. They'll probably ask a lot of questions but I'll do my best to stop them."
"Okay." He nods.
You can tell he's both nervous and excited.
~~~~
Walking through the school gate you can feel Bucky tense a little beside you. It's an unfamiliar environment with lots of unfamiliar people. He's never really done school pick up before let alone now.
"You'll be fine." You whisper and squeeze his hand. "Just think about how great it'll be when you see Luke's face."
He just nods rigidly beside you.
As you walk into the school yard where majority of the parents - mostly mothers - already wait in their little grips you can't deny that many heads turn your way and many jaws drop to the floor along with lots of hushed whispers that ensue. Bucky Barnes is a national hero, practically a celebrity. And the fact that he's at their kids school is probably just about enough to make someone have a little freak out. Especially ladies, most women these days crush hard on Bucky and Steve. Around the streets isn't so bad as that just the normal and expected, but these are people you don't know that well and don't see you guys all the time.
Keeping Bucky's hand in yours you make a beeline for your friend group feeling like your back at school. But you're stopped short by a two women coming up to you, ogling at Bucky. You smile timidly at them but really you just want to role your eyes. You know them. They were the bitches when you were at school.
"James it's been too long! Remember me?" One of them exclaims, all bright and cheerful.
"Ahh, sure." He mumbles and she bursts out laughing.
"Oh your so funny just like always." She swoons.
"Hi Bucky. How are you?" Another of them asks eagerly, even having the audacity to run a hand up his arm - luckily his flesh one. "Can I call you that?"
"Go for it if you want." He shrugs.
You just stare at them incredulously. Are they serious?
You know that Bucky has definitely crossed paths with both of them before. He was in the popular group as were they and you know he had a fling with both of them that just resulted in drama. Whether he remembers that or not you can't be sure but one thing you do know is that these ladies are the type of people who will stop at nothing to get a piece of Bucky again even when his wife is standing right there next to him.
They haven't even taken one second to say hello to you. It's like you aren't even there.
You're fuming so much - not at him, at them; it's not his fault - that you don't even hear what they're saying as they chat him up. But the stupid thing is he's not even interested and that's obvious to anyone, but they're just desperate idiots.
"I'm starting to think that maybe I shouldn't leave you alone here." You tip toe up and murmur in his ear.
You see him give you an amused sideways glance, he can see you're not happy.
"Don't worry, I can handle it." He whispers back with a chuckle. "All right ladies it was lovely to see you but I've got to get going now." He huffs loudly and starts to walk off.
"Oh," they both say disappointedly, there faces falling.
"Yeah it was good. We must catch up for a coffee one day soon!" One of them exclaims as you two already head away.
"Um how about no?" You turn around and snap, unable to stand it any longer.
Bucky lets out a loud laugh that they are sure to hear too, just to put the icing on the cake. You don't even hide the fact that you turn around smugly to see the shocked looks on their faces as you wrap your arm through Bucky's elbow and pull yourself closer to his side. In perfect timing he also slings an arm around your shoulder.
"That's Luke's class over there. Where did you want to sit?" You ask now content.
"Ah I think just here will be absolutely fine." He shrugs.
It's a quiet spot amongst everyone else around him where Luke should be able to see him but not at first glance.
"Perfect." You sigh. "I'll just go wait around the corner there where he can't see me but I can see you guys. If you need anything you know where I am."
"Okay." He nods, swallowing nervously.
You pat his shoulder and smile encouragingly at him before heading in the opposite direction. You quickly go say hi to your friends and explain to them what's happening and the bell soon rings so you duck around the corner and peek out to see what happens.
A whole stream of kids come running out of the class. Luke is one of the last ones, walking out with a pretty little girl slightly shorter than him with long, flowing auburn hair. That must be Petra. You smile to yourself as you watch them wave goodbye to each other before walking in seperate directions.
Looking a little bit down like he has been a lot lately Luke makes his way to where you would normally be waiting but stops short and frowns, looking around confused when you aren't there. You can see Bucky just sitting there watching and patiently with an amused smirk to see if he notices when he turns and walks in another direction, having a look.
Finally, when Luke starts to look really lost Bucky makes a move.
"Hey Luke!" He calls out.
At the sound of his voice Luke whips around.
Bucky grins and waves out and Luke's mouth drops open and his eyes go wide in disbelief when he sees him.
"Dad!" He shouts excitedly, running over to him immediately.
Bucky stands up with his arms open and embraces him in a massive hug, lifting him up off the ground and squeezing him tightly before setting him back down and crouching down to his level.
"Hey bud." He chuckles. "How are you?"
"Dad what are you doing here?!" Luke exclaims.
"Surprise! I get to come home for the night." Bucky beams excitedly.
Luke's little face lights up. "No way!"
He leaps up and wraps his arms around his neck again. Bucky looks so happy and relieved as he encircles his waist that you almost don't want to interrupt but you take it as your cue to go over.
"Hey you." You grin and nudge Luke lightly.
"Mum!" He cheers excitedly and spins around to hug you too. "I can't believe this!"
"Isn't it exciting?" You agree. "Was that a nice surprise?"
He nods vigorously.
"Come one, lets go see how your siblings react now." You giggle.
"Okay," he says and takes Bucky's hand as you start to walk out.
"Oh and son," Bucky starts slyly.
"Yeah dad?" Luke asks.
"Was that your girlfriend you were just with?" He teases.
"She's not my girlfriend!" He laughs but blushes bright red.
"Yet." Bucky murmurs jokingly.
"You're right, she's pretty. You guys would be a gorgeous couple." You chip in.
"You suit each other," Bucky agrees.
"Mum! Dad! Stop it!" Luke wines but he knows your only playing.
~~~~
You and Luke decide to go inside with Bucky but make sure he is the one standing right at the door and knocking. When he does so you hear some eager shuffling.
"Isla! Why don't you come with me and Theo and help let your mum in?" You hear Peggy's muffled voice which sparks more excitement in you.
"Okay," Isla says cheerfully in return followed by footsteps running for the door.
"Wait for me." Peggy chuckles.
Then the door is pulled open.
"Hi mu- dad!" Isla starts but ends up squealing.
Immediately she jumps up and down holding her arms up for him to pick her up.
"Daddy! What are you doing here?" She asks just like Luke as she latches onto him.
"I'm staying at home for the night." Bucky smiles keenly at her.
"Like a sleepover?" She gasps.
"Yep." He nods, popping the 'p'.
"Yay! That's so cool!" She exclaims.
"Dadda!" Theo screeches and nearly jumps out of a very amused Peggy's arms.
"Hey little bud!" Bucky beams and grabs him with his free arm. "So how are you guys? Did you have a good day?"
"Good and it just got even better!" Isla cheers and Theo nods eagerly.
After thanking Peggy profusely for looking after them she tells you to head home and spend some quality family time together and you don't try to deny it. It's exactly what you all need. You spend the rest of the afternoon watching movies on the couch with the kids, scrapping Luke's homework because it's a special occasion. You prepare a big roast dinner and then finally after an already late bath time you send the kids to bed extra late, not that they care. Although Isla was highly disappointed when you and Bucky had to tell her that Bucky couldn't sleep in her bed with her and her toy bunny.
The whole evening was so great and relaxed and fun and stress free for a change, it was nice. That is until you suggest to Bucky that the two of you just head to bed early.
"Come on you, lets just head to bed now." You sigh and stretch out as you lean against him all curled up on the couch.
"Oh, I was gonna sleep out here," he says hesitantly and the look of his face says that it's not just because he can't be bothered moving.
"What? Why?" You sit up frown at him completely taken aback.
"I-I don't want to intrude or seem too forward or anything." He stutters nervously but you know he's not telling the full truth.
"Bucky are you serious?" You can't help but laugh. "This is your house. It is your bed. You are my husband. We just had sex in it a few hours ago for gods sake, of course you can sleep in it!"
His eyes kind of divert to the floor for a second before he looks back up at you gravely.
"Okay." He huffs reluctantly.
"Good. I've missed out on your cuddles for nearly six months now." You beam and take his hand, leading him to your bedroom.
"It's hard to believe it's been that long." He frowns deep in thought.
"Oh believe me it's felt like a lifetime to me." You sigh jokingly trying to brighten him up a bit.
But the standoffishness only continues when you go to hop into bed. As Bucky slips under the covers after you he just stays right on his side and even goes to face the other way.
"Um what do you think your doing?" You ask him incredulously but you aren't being too serious. "Hurry up and snuggle with me!"
"O-oh right. Of course." He mumbles and shuffles over to be closer to you still looking rather hesitant.
However, regardless, he wraps his arms around you and you burrow deep into his chest, sighing in relief at how good it feels to be able to share a bed with him, knowing that you have the warmth and comfort of his arms back around you once more. It's so much nicer than you remember and that's even with knowing how much you missed him. For a few minutes he gently rubs his hand up and down your back in such a soothing manor that it's tempting to fall asleep.
But you don't. You want to make the most of this special time. Even though you don't talk just cuddling and the fact that you're so close again is more than enough.
However after a while you start to drift off. But you don't fully fall asleep because Bucky isn't. And of course right now with the state he's in if he doesn't sleep you know you won't. With his chin resting on top of your head and your head on his chest you can hear the sound of his steady heart beat and breathing. But you know he's not sleeping because it doesn't slow and he never quite fully relaxes.
You lay there waiting for nearly an hour before finally speaking up.
"Buck go to sleep." You mumble lazily and softly, not aggressive at all.
But this is enough to make him jump a little. He must be deep in thought - you dread to think what about.
"Right. Sorry." He whispers.
"Don't be, just get some rest please." You reply.
Finally he eventually does fall asleep, his breathing and heart rate settling into a peaceful rhythm and his arms slackening around you a bit. This helps you feel better and less stressed and suddenly it's like the busy day just catches up with you and you crash out completely straight away.
However, it only feels like it's been half an hour when you are woken by Bucky tossing and turning right beside you and stealing all the blankets. You can't help but let out a slightly annoyed groan as you role over.
"Buck stop moving." You wine croakily.
But after a few minutes the flinching only gets worse and then he starts to whimper. Your blood runs cold.
Fuck. You think. He's having a nightmare.
God, you can't remember the last time he had one but in saying that you can hardly remember the last time you shared a bed. They were bad enough before and you can be sure that they have gotten worse now.
Groggily you turn back around and prop yourself up to survey the situation. He's moved around so much that the blankets have actually been strewn across the floor and he lays on the far side of the bed gripping at fistfuls of the sheets seemingly straining against something. His face is contorted into something that resembles a mixture between agony and terror and beads of sweat trickle down his pale forehead. His lips twitch sporadically as he murmurs incoherently and whimpers and his face is an ever changing tsunami of torn emotions.
What the fuck are you going to do? You sit there feeling all helpless and panicked. This has got to be one of the worst ones you've seen him experience easily and not that you don't trust him but what if it's a flashback and he accidentally switches to Winter Soldier mode? Steve said he's done it before and you know that Steve struggles against him let alone you; he's bigger and stronger than you and whether you want to admit it or not he's very dangerous. You don't want to put yourself or the baby at risk but you can't leave him like this, all tortured and vulnerable and in an unknown world of terror.
The nightmare quickly escalates and only gets worse because all of a sudden he starts literally crying out... in pain.
"Ow! Ow! No! Please! No! Don't hurt me! Leave me alone! Stop! Please! Please! What did I do wrong?" He suddenly begs really loudly.
Right, that's it. This can't go on. Not only has this got to be bad for him now, he could wake the kids too.
"Buck." You whisper and start off by gently shaking his arm.
He doesn't respond to your touch, you can feel how cold and rigid his muscles arm beneath your fingers.
"Buck come on, wake up it's just a nightmare," you plead desperately with him and shake him harder.
It's weird. A lot of the time he normally thrashes around but this time it's literally like he's frozen in fear and won't budge, you can see it in his face too. It's scary.
At least you don't think he's going to go into Winter Soldier mode after what he was just saying.
"Ah!" He yelps again and just then he does start to thrash, so much so that you actually have to move away. "Ah! No! Stop!"
All of a sudden he just stops. He's facing the other way now so you can't see him but to your surprise you hear muffled crying and in fact you see his shoulder start to shake.
"I'm sorry." He sobs quietly to himself. "I'm so sorry. I couldn't stop myself. I don't know what's going on."
"Buck?" You frown, unsure if he's awake.
When he doesn't answer you you reach over and roll him over to face you. Now seeing that he's still asleep you take his hands and kiss his knuckles while he just limply lays there trembling as he cries.
"Please wake up James." You whimper, rubbing his knuckles sadly. "Please. Everything is alright."
He keeps on crying in his sleep, seemingly distraught, mumbling apologies to himself about you dread to know what. Of course seeing him like this only makes you upset too. You can't help but lean down and kiss him on the forehead. But the minute you do he flinches awake, yelping in fright.
"Ah!" He cries out and pushes you off of him all disorientated.
"Bucky!" You go to gasp in relief and are just about to lean forward and hug him but you stop yourself when he begins to freak out.
"No! No! No!" He screams and flails around. "Don't touch me! Get away from me please!"
He half scrambles, half falls out of bed and next thing you know he has himself curled up in the foetal position in a corner rocking back and forth, looking at you like he's absolutely terrified of you.
"Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." He whimpers.
You freeze for a second not really knowing how to react. He's got himself so worked up that he doesn't recognise you.
"Buck," you say steadily, trying to keep your sadness hidden and hold a hand out, never taking your eyes off of him as you slowly and quietly slip off of the bed towards him.
As you come closer his breath still hitches more frantically and he lets out a scared wining kind of noise.
"James, it's me. Please. You know me. You're home. You're safe. It's me, (Y/N), I'm your wife," you say trying to hide the waver in your voice. "Please try to remember."
You're guessing that he's not the Winter Soldier, he's just terrified out of his mind to the point that he can't think straight so you keep going towards him. But the closer you get the more he tries to shuffle further away.
"Bucky please just try to remember, I'm not going to hurt you." You beg him.
It gets to a point where he's got himself so bailed up in the corner that he can't move anymore and as you reach out to touch his face he watches your hand with pure dread. He lets out a scared little whimper just as you go to stroke his cheek but then the minute your skin touches his it's like he snaps out of it and remembers.
His eyes suddenly soften and register recognition, his chest and shoulders drop, the tension releasing, and he lets out a sigh as he looks up at you.
"(Y/N)." He croaks before bursting out crying all over again.
He grabs hold of your hand on his face and pulls you into him, needing your embrace, latching onto you so tightly.
"Doll I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that." He sobs.
You wrap your arms around him and cradle him against your chest just letting him cry while his tears soak your shirt, his body trembling violently.
"Shh, Bucky it's okay, you're okay, you're safe. You did nothing wrong." You try to soothe him as you gently rub his back but it doesn't seem to be working.
You're so caught up in trying to comfort your shaken and distraught husband that you don't think about how loud he was being and the fact that the kids are sleeping right next door.
"Mummy? Daddy?" You suddenly hear your daughters timid voice.
Your stomach drops as you turn around to see Isla standing in the doorway to your bedroom, half hiding. Oh god, this is the last thing you need right now. You need to deal with Bucky, not her and Bucky wouldn't want her to see him like this anyway.
"Isla." You breath out. "Go back to bed please sweetie."
"But is daddy okay? I heard him crying," she asks as she comes closer.
Bucky almost doesn't seem to have noticed her in the way that his ragged breaths don't cease.
You don't know what to say to her, it's clear that he's not but you can't really tell her that.
"Yeah he is." You nod and try to swallow the lump in your throat to keep your emotions in check whilst wracking your brains. "He's just... you know how when you sometimes have bad dreams you get scared? Well daddy's just had a really, really bad dream."
"So even adults get nightmares?" Isla frowns concerned, right in front of you now.
Bucky doesn't even look up at her, just continues to hide away, sniffling.
"Yes. Sometimes very bad ones, sometimes they can even come true." You nod. "Like do you remember when you thought there was a monster in your closet but you soon discovered that there wasn't? Well right now there is a very big, very real monster in daddies closet."
Her face drops. "Oh no! Is he going to be okay?"
"Yes he is darling because he's not going to let the monster get to him. He's bigger, braver and stronger than it and he will show it that," you say fiercely. "Just like you will whenever you find monsters anywhere in your life okay?"
"Okay." She nods before leaning down to Bucky. "Feel better daddy, the monster won't get you." She whispers as she hugs him and then kisses him on the cheek.
You smile gratefully at her and give her a hug with your free arm as she gets up to go.
"So Isla, if you ever hear daddy crying again don't worry about it okay? Just stay all tucked up nice and warm and safe in bed because you know that we've both got a handle on it. But thank you very much for your help tonight," you tell her as she wanders off.
She turns back at the door and nods. "Okay mummy I will."
"Good girl," you say.
Bucky's still to worked up to have even acknowledged her touching him and when he's gone he continues to just shake and cry in your arms, seeming so small and fragile for such a large man for what feels like at least another hour. You're absolutely exhausted, what with it being the middle of the night and you being pregnant and all but you stay there, never loosening your grip, always constantly whispering soothing things to him or stroking his back and holding his hand.
Finally he gingerly lifts his head and looks up at you, his eyes glassy and bloodshot in the moonlight, sticky tear trails still coating his cheeks and his bottom lip still quivering.
"I'm sorry." He mumbles hoarsely, his eyes filled with guilt, embarrassment and defeat. "You can go back to bed if you want."
"I'm not going anywhere unless you are, I'll stay right here on the ground with you all night if I have to, whatever you want to do," you explain softly.
"But the baby... you must be tired and you need to sleep, it can't be good." He protests.
"But you," you interrupt him. "You are more important to me than anything in this world and you are here right now."
"Do you mind if I go make a coffee then?" He asks tentatively.
"A coffee?" You frown. "Don't you want to go back to sle- oh. Right," you say, realisation dawning on you at the end. "I see."
He nods knowingly. "Seriously, you can go back to sleep if you want. I'll look after myself."
"No, what you need right now is to be looked after. I'm coming with you." You insist, getting to your feet and holding out a hand for him to take and help him up. "Can I have a hug?" You ask as he stands before you.
He lets out a deep, heavy breath and practically launches himself onto you, wrapping his arms back around you tightly yet so weakly and hiding his face in the crook of your neck.
~~~~
"So, um, do you want to talk about it?" You ask Bucky timidly as you pour out a steaming cup of black coffee. "I know you never used to want to but this one was really bad. I feel like you might want to get it off your chest."
"Is that okay? I'm tired of keeping it all bottled up." He murmurs as he takes a sip.
You nod but then back track. "You've had this before?" You frown.
Bucky looks at you wearily, his lips forming a thin line as he seems to shrink backwards. "Yes." He sighs. "They've gotten really bad ever since Hydra messed with my head."
"Oh no," is all you can manage to get out, feeling as though you might faint. "So, what was this one about? Tell me whatever you want to."
"Um okay, so I was being chased by someone, I couldn't see who it was," he starts and draws in a shaky breath, closing his eyes seemingly too scared to go on. "For some reason I automatically thought that they wanted to hurt me since they were running after me. I was so terrified that they were going to hurt me and I tried to run but they just got closer and closer and when it got to the point that they were right in front of me and I still couldn't see their face and I don't know what happened but it's like I freaked out so much that I just flipped out and went full on Winter Soldier mode and threw them on the ground and just shot them right between the eyes and then once it was over I was back to myself again to deal with the guilt of it all. I didn't want to do it, I didn't mean to, I thought I had it under control but I just couldn't stop it, it was like I blinked and next thing they were lying dead before me."
He's crying again by now, his body trembling as he holds his coffee cup close to his chest, his eyes distant in the far off memory of his nightmare again.
"Bucky it's okay, you don't need to get upset," you say sadly, rushing around the table to hug him again. "It wasn't real, you didn't actually do that."
It honestly breaks your heart to see him this way, like a big, broken teddy bear that needs patching up, all torn and ripped at the seams.
He looks up at you with self disgust in his tear rimmed eyes, his lips turned downwards and quivering.
"No." He cries. "I didn't finish. Once they were dead I could see their face..." he lets out a pained sob. "It was, it was you."
At this he completely breaks down, slumping over the table, hiding his face in his folded arms. You're startled for a second as sobs wrack his body beneath you. What are you supposed to say to that?
"An-and then the kids came. A-and they h-hated me. And the whole thing was just so real. I could feel everything, the anger, the hurt, the terror, the guilt. What if one day that actually happens? What if one day I loose control and lash out at you or someone else?" He wails.
"Bucky." You sigh and lean down to hug him more. "It's not going to happen, I know it won't. You're stronger than this thing and even though it's going to take time you will beat it. And as for the kids they would never hate you, nor would I if it were the other way around. We all understand that anything to do with any of this messed up situation is not your fault."
"I'm just so sorry." He continues to cry. "I feel like I've ruined our whole lives."
"Well you haven't," you state.
Again you let him ball his eyes completely out, somehow ending up cuddled up on the couch at some point. All you want to do is sleep but you don't and you know you won't be able to anyway knowing that Bucky's in this state. You know that if it was the other way around he would do the same for you.
You would think it feels weird that you're the one having to hold and protect your husband not him you, but right now you feel the distinct need and duty to do so.
Finally he calms down somewhat and just lays there still and silent in your arms, staring blankly into the light of the fire in front of you guys as you play with his hair, running your fingers through it and twirling it around. There's a thought that you can't help but let trouble you and it eats away at you so much that eventually you just can't help but ask.
"Buck?" You ask timidly and softly yet even this makes him jump in fright.
"Yeah?" He croaks hoarsely.
"What do you do when you are all alone in that hospital room at night and have a bad nightmare like this one?" You ask hesitantly. "You know, when there's no one there to comfort you like this?"
He's honestly so upset and on edge right now that you're really worried.
You can literally feel him shudder against you.
"Oh you don't want to know," he says in a grave, low voice. "It's so awful that it's just a blur. Sometimes I don't even know what's going on and Gabrielle will come in the next morning to find me in a complete maniac panic, either hiding in fear or having a massive freak out doing who knows what, other times I just end up screaming my head off in pure terror. I'm the first to admit that it's far from normal."