Chapter 42
Truth Hour
"Why didn't you come back when Riyu and Sky were getting married?" tanong niya.
He gulped from his can of beer and I took the spot next to him. Parehas kaming nakahilig sa railings ng balkonahe ng kanyang condo. He continued, "I thought I'd see you then. Pero ni anino mo wala. Sobrang nagtampo si Sky. It's her wedding... your cousin's wedding."
I stared at the view in front of me - the night sky, the city lights, the stars. I could feel Paolo staring at my side profile when I said, "I knew I'd see you there. Hindi ba't ikaw nga ang best man sa kasal nila?" Tumango siya. I let out a small smile, "I wasn't ready for your wrath, Paolo."
"But I wasn't angry," he said, his voice as if convincing me to turn back the time and do things differently. He sighed, "And you believe you were ready years later?"
"Siguro."
"Ah," he said. "So that's why when you thought I was getting married, you congratulated me?" protesta niya nang bigla niyang naalala iyong una naming pagkikita matapos kong bumalik mula sa States.
Natawa ako nang makita kong ang sama ng tingin niya sa akin. He continued, "If that were you, I wouldn't care less if we didn't see each other for years - hell will break loose! You can't just appear right in front of me with a wedding invitation!"
I cocked my head to his side and watch him with his outburst and then suddenly a smile was creeping to his lips, "Unless it's me you're getting married with. Of course, that would be fine..." he mumbled.
I cliked my tongue, dismissing his flirty remark. I reasoned, "You can't blame me. Japoy's too young to get married. Ate Shine didn't seem to be the marrying type. Plus you were the one sending the invites. It was all pointing on you!"
He shrugged. "But to congratulate me, really, Aya?"
Humalakhak ako sa paghihimutok niya. But in between my laughters a thought occured to me. Pilit ko namang winawaglit ito sa isip ko... But it just won't go away.
He could have been married to Vienne by now if I came back a little later. How could I forget that fact?
Paano ko malilimutan na minsan sa buhay niya, naniwala siyang si Vienne 'yung gusto niyang makasama habang buhay? How could I forget that fact if that's a solid proof that Paolo has seen a future with her that he didn't see with me despite all that we've been through?
And I can't shut down the guilt in my system, too. No matter how euphemistic Paolo tried to be, I'm part of the reason why they broke up. Kahit hindi ko man iyon ginusto; kahit hindi ko man directly ginawa iyon. Nanira ako ng relasyon. And it's just not some relationship... they had thoughts of marrying each other!
Bakit kahit na nasa tabi ko si Paolo ngayon ay pakiramdam ko talo pa rin ako ni Vienne?
Probably because I'll forever be imprisoned of the thoughts that she could have been his wife. Na ako iyong naging kontrabida sa istorya nila. That I messed up things between them just because I ignited some old flame... some memories that weren't even nice to remember.
"Hey..." Nabalik na lang ako sa ulirat ko nang hawakan ni Paolo ang braso ko. He let out a small smile, "You're spacing out. Penny for your thoughts?"
"Wala. Inaalala ko lang kung napatay ko 'yung laptop ko kanina bago ako umalis."
He squinted his eyes on me, suspecting, "Ang specific, ha. At iyan talaga ang naiisip mo habang kasama mo ako?"
I laughed. "Pati ba naman sa mga thoughts ko, ang demanding mo."
He nodded thrice while saying proudly, "I'm a very needy man."
"You sure are."
"Do you want me to get you a can of beer?" he said out of the blue. Napakunot ang noo ko. Paolo never liked the idea of me drinking any kind of alcoholic beverages. And what now, gusto niya ay magtagayan kami rito?
Patricia's voice then rang to my head, "'Pag may alak, may balak."
I distanced myself to him and looked at him in disgust. "Paolo Salvatorre!" saway ko sa kanya.
"It's Romualde," he corrected me. Kumunot ang noo niya. "Tinatanong ko lang baka gusto mo. Why are you looking at me as if I'm harrasing you?" apila niya.
"Ayaw mo ngang umiinom ako at ngayon gusto mo akong ikuha ng beer? Now that we're alone?" I scowled.
"Ayaw ko lang na umiinom ka 'pag iba ang kasama mo..." he corrected. "Paano na lang kung may gawing kung ano sa'yo 'yon? O baka hindi ka naman maihatid nang maayos kung 'yung mga kaibigan mo ang kasama mo?"
"So 'pag ikaw..."
"Oo naman," he said, cutting me. "Of course, I trust myself."
"Really, huh?"
"Really."
"Can we just play a game?" bigla niyang suhestiyon. I raised an eyebrow and so he continued, "Hmm. Truth Hour. For a full hour, we get turns to ask each other questions. Just truth, no lies. We can ask anything."
I just stared at him, silent.
"I mean anything, Aya," he persuaded. "You can ask anything."
"You're crazy." Iyon lang ang nasabi ko. I'm not sure if I have the guts to ask him questions that matter to me. More than that, I didn't know if I was ready to hear his answers.
"Sa'yo lang."
"And corny."
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "So game?" he asked. Tinapunan niya ng tingin ang kanyang wrist watch. "It's 11:47 PM, this ends at 12:47."
"This is crazy, Paolo," pag-aalangan ko.
"I know." He chuckled. "Are you sure you don't want beer or wine? Pampalakas ng loob?"
"No, thank you. I might end up driving home because you'd probably be drunk."
"You can stay here, you know," he said suggestively. Binangga-bangga pa niya ang balikat ko gamit ang siko niya. "My bed could fit the two of us."
Sinamaan ko siya ng tingin. He laughed and bargained, "You can stay at Yumi's unit."
"So, game. I'll ask first," anunsyo niya. "How many times have you kissed Jiro Cervantes?" diretsa niyang tanong. I stared at him, horrified. Kung may iniinom ako ngayon ay malamang naibuga ko na sa kanya. He simpered and said, "Para alam ko kung ilan ang babawiin ko."
"Sabi ko na, e. This game of yours is nothing but crazy!"
"Dali na," ungot niya.
"I don't like to answer that! 'Di ko rin naman alam ang sagot."
"Give me some range."
"Alam mo, Paolo? Lasing ka na."
"Nah, I'm not," he claimed. Yeah, said all the drunk men in the world.
Hindi ako nagpatinag. There's no way I'm going to answer a question like that. "Fine. Fine," he said, giving in. "New rule: we get to have three passes. You can pass on and not answer a question three times."
"Pass," I immediately said.
"'Yan, you complied so you're really into this game now. No backing out. Now ask me anything."
Why did you propose to Vienne? that was the only question in my head, but I couldn't force my lips to utter those words, because I'm not sure... I'm not sure if my heart was ready for the answer.
"Chef Yul or Lindsay?" I asked randomly instead.
"Linds," he answered in a hearbeat. I looked at him suspiciously. "Una kong nakilala si Linds. Iba rin ang trip ni Yul, so except for business, we don't actually jive," he said in defense. "My turn. Did you ever like Lance romantically?"
Napangiwi ako. "No. Hindi talaga... and I know the feeling is mutual," I answered. He nodded in approval.
"Japoy or Rich?" tanong ko.
He stopped and drank from his can of beer, stalling. That's hard. And just when I thought he'd pass, he answered, "Japoy."
"Oh," I said, amused. He chose Japoy over his biological half-brother. "Why?" 'Di siya sumagot agad kaya dugtong ko, "Follow-up questions are allowed naman right?"
"Kapatid ko si Rich sa dugo, oo, but really... I barely know him. I've had 17 years with Japoy. I've only known Rich for, what, eight years? We agree on most things, but we don't really share much time together. He's already grown when I met him... may sarili na siyang mundo no'n."
"I'm not sure if Japoy knows that though... that you'd choose him over your real brother," I said, my voice low.
Pansin ko naman iyon. He seemed to hate the fact that the kuya he knew was no longer a Salvatorre. He seemed to think the Romualdes got his kuya away from him. Napansin ko iyon lalo na noong nasa Vente Riales kami.
Paolo just let out a small smile. "My turn. Your thoughts when we met the first time after you came back?"
"Akala ko nananaginip ako. Tapos pilit kong hinihintay 'yung galit mo pero wala... And then I saw that wedding invitation. I couldn't think straight."
"Pero nagawa mo akong i-congratulate, ano?"
Why is that a big deal? Anong pinagka-iba no'n? You could have gotten married to Vienne! Hindi ba't ikaw na rin ang nagsabing willing si Ate Shine na ipagpaliban ang kasal niya para kayo ang mauna? Why did you propose to her, Paolo? What have you seen in her that you never saw in me years ago when I begged you to promise me that we'll go abroad and get married?
I shove away my thoughts and asked instead, "Why didn't you continue your MBA?"
Hanggang ngayon ay medyo nagi-guilty pa rin ako tungkol dito. If we didn't elope to San Vicente, he could have finished his masters degree.
"Wala lang. I can't see value to it now that I have a business of my own. I get so much more learnings experiencing managing ABF than going to uni yet again. Para sa'kin kasi maganda ang MBA if you're employed by someone else... for premium gano'n, but if you're a business owner yourself, there's not much value to it."
"I see..."
"My turn. Didn't you want to see me, even just one moment, while you were in the States?"
I snorted. "Just one moment, Paolo?" I asked, almost incredulously. "My first year in the States was terrible. The few that follow weren't that great. And I missed you everyday. Every moment."
Sa loob ng iilang saglit ay nakatingin lang siya sa akin. His eyes were piercing right through me. Hindi ko alam ngunit hindi ko magawang umiwas ng tingin sa kanya. We would have spent the night staring at each other if he didn't say, "Your turn."
"Bakit ayaw mong maging Villafuerte?"
"Dahil hindi naman ako Villafuerte," he said matter-of-factly. "Isa pa, I didn't think I could handle Don Fortunato as my father."
Natawa ako. "Sabagay."
"Kung nalaman kong hindi naman pala kayo ni Lance at nagkita tayo noong graduation mo sa States... Would it--?"
"Pass," I cut him. "I'm sorry. Let's not talk about things we can no longer change."
"O-Oh. Alright. Your turn then..."
"What's your favorite food?" I asked. Tingin ko ay alam ko naman ang sagot - adobo - pero wala talaga akong maisip na tanong noon.
"Pass."
Kumunot ang noo ko. You don't waste your pass like that! "Huh?"
He shrugged, "You've used your pass twice, I can use mine too... My turn. Name three things you don't like about Sage Fajardo."
"What?" Humalakhak ako. "That's so random! Tska hindi naman 'yun tanong, Paolo."
He rolled his eyes. "What are three things you don't like about Sage Fajardo?"
Tumawa ulit ako. I was tapping my fingers to the edge of the railings, thinking. "Uh, ano? One, his name fits him perfectly. Parang walang bagay na pangalan sa kanya kung hindi Sage. Nakakainis. Two, he's got uber toned arms. Nakaka-bother. And ah! Three, his eyes are just--"
I stopped midsentence because Paolo was totally frowning at me. Tumawa ako. "Uy..." I nudged at him.
"I said three things you don't like."
Humagalpak ako ng tawa. "I'm sorry, I don't know, but there's just... none."
"Sinasabi ko na nga ba."
I laughed. "Wait, there's one! He doesn't smile a lot. I hate that. Tska two, hindi siya marunong magsaing nang hindi sa rice cooker. Three, hmm... he's quiet most of the time, except when he's with his brothers."
"Fine," he said, unconvinced. "Your turn."
"Talaga bang hindi nabentang pastries 'yung dinadala mo sa'kin sa school?"
He cocked his head to my side, looking offended, "Aya, papakainin ba kita ng tira at ng luma?!" apila niya.
"But you said..."
"Tss," palatak niya. He was shaking his head. "My turn. Who would you shag, marry, and kill among the Fajardo brothers?"
Hindi ko na masyadong pinag-isipan iyon. I just kind of know the answer for this. "I'd kill Morgan."
"I would too."
"I'd marry Gabriel." Tumaas ang kilay ni Paolo. "And well, I'd... I'd shag Sage."
"Sinasabi ko na nga ba talaga, Ayanna," he said, his voice reprimanding. He drank from his can of beer. "But at least now I know the attraction's just physical."
"Ang child abuse naman masyado if I chose someone else among them. Si Sage lang ang ka-edaran ko."
"Stop with the excuses, Princess. I think I need to have a shot or two with that Fajardo."
"Ewan ko sa'yo," I said, dismissing him. "Next question for you. Balita ko crush ni Riyu si Ate Shine no'ng high school pa kayo. Anong gagawin mo kung sila ang nagkatuluyan?"
He cringed. "I don't like the idea." I laughed. "I would have opposed it. 'Yang si Riyu naman, 'pag sinabi niyang mahal niya, mahal niya talaga. Nagtitino naman, look at him with Sky now. Pero hindi naman kasi seryoso 'yung pagkagusto niya kay Shine dati. And I don't think Ate will ever like him that way."
"I think so too. Sobrang magka-iba sila ni Kuya Arthon. Tska sobrang bagay si Riyu kay Ate Sky... she tamed him."
"Fucking yes. And Kuya Arthon tamed my Ate Shine," he said. "My turn... If Sage asks you out for a date, would you say yes?"
"Bago ko sagutin 'yan, pwede bang itanong ko muna 'yung next question ko? Kailan tayo magmu-move on from Sage and his brothers?"
Tumawa siya. "Akala mo kasi yata hindi ko nakita sa Vente Riales 'yung pagtingin-tingin mo kay Sage kahit si Morgan 'yung nangungulit sa'yo... Last na 'tong tungkol sa kanya basta tama 'yung sagot mo. Now answer my question."
"Bakit may tamang sagot?" protesta ko.
"Sagot na."
"No."
"Good," he said. Umirap ako. "Ako pa rin ang magtatanong dahil tinanong mo na 'yung iyo. Now, how many kids would you want to have in the future?"
"Hmm. I'd want to have at least three."
"Woah," he exclaimed, his mouth forming an O. "Akala ko mga dalawa lang gusto mo."
"Ako lang ang only child sa atin. Kayo, tatlo kayo. Sina Diego, apat sila. Sa side nina Mama, ako lang din ang only child. Looking at all of you, parang ang saya ng marami sa bahay.
"Most of the time masaya pero minsan riot."
"Ikaw? How many children would you want to have in the future?"
He looked at me and smiled, "At least three."
The game continued on. We exhausted almost all the questions we wanted to ask each other from the most random to the most trivial things. We were nearing the end of the game when Paolo excused himself to get a new can of beer.
"I'll go get beer. Pag-isipan mo na 'yung tanong mo sa akin. Because, Princess, I'm telling you... I've reseved the hardest for the last."
He even splayed his forefinger to warn me before heading inside. Napatulala lang ako sa glass door na kanyang sinara.
I've been bothered by the thought of asking him that all the while we're playing this game.
Alam ko naman 'yung sagot, e. Gusto ko lang marinig mula sa kanya. Kasi sa ganoong paraan... baka sa ganoong paraan matanggap ko. If he comes out clean that he loved her that much, maybe sooner or later I'd be able to accept that I was not the only girl in his life.
Baka matanggap ko iyon tulad nang pagtanggap niya sa katotohanang minahal ko si Jiro. I can't even outright tell I don't love Jiro anymore, because I still care about Jiro. Pero iyon, kaya niyang tanggapin.
Should I just ask him how? Or should I ask him what he saw in Vienne that he didn't see in me years ago? Bakit si Vienne kaya niyang pangakuan ng kasal pero ako hindi? Even I asked for some sort of assurance back then?
Kung hindi ko itatanong 'to ngayon ay baka wala na akong tsyansa para itanong pa 'to kay Paolo... Pero hindi ko alam kung kaya kong marinig 'yung sagot niya.
"Back at it," he said when he returned with a new can of beer. Binuksan niya iyon at lumagok mula roon. "Ah," he said, refreshed.
"Now..." He cocked his head to my side. "Your question?"
Why did you propose to Vienne? Paano kung hindi ako bumalik agad? What if she said yes?
"Your favorite number from 1 to 100?"
If he answers an odd number, I'll ask him that next. Otherwise, I'll never speak about it.
So please, please say an even number.
"Random niyan, ah. You're wasting your turn," he commented. "Twenty-seven."
God.
"My turn," he announced. "Part of your body you want to be kissed most?"
"Forehead."
It makes me feel secured.
"I'll change that," he said, biting his lower lip. "Your turn."
"P-Paano kung kasal na kayo ni Vienne noong bumalik ako? What would you do?"
He stared at me as if finding the right words to say. "Nothing," he said, almost a whisper.
He cleared his throat and spoke more audibly this time. "I never made a move on you while Vienne and I were still together, Aya. I know what my heart felt, but I never told you I love you while I was still in a relationship. Kung bumalik ka at kasal na ako... I don't know. Gago ako, oo. But I am not a cheating asshole."
Dapat ay masaya ako dahil patunay iyon na tama ang pagkakakilala ko sa kanya. I wouldn't have liked it in any alternate universe if he said he'd pursue me still. I know I deserve better than that. And above all, I'm not a homewrecker.
Pero bakit gano'n? Bakit ang sakit? To know that he believes a lifetime with Vienne is worth it? To know he would have had a family of his own with her? Na tama lang ako sa timing kaya naalala niya na mahal pala niya ako?
Pero mahal niya ba talaga ako?
O parehas lang kaming masyadong na-attach sa pagmamahal na naramdaman namin sa isa't isa noon?
"My turn..." he said, breaking my trail of thoughts. "Can you go out of town with me on New Year's day?"
"Sure," I answered absent-mindedly.
"Yes!" he exclaimed, excitement oozing from his voice. "I'll prep everything up!"
"Paolo..." I called his name. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya ngunit nararamdaman ko na ang paghapdi ng aking mga mata.
I have to ask this now for my peace of mind. Pero paano mag-pass siya? He still got one pass. I've asked him this before but he kept on dodging the question...
But I need this.
"Paolo, why did you propose to Vienne?"
He stared at me. Nakita ko ang pag-igting ng kanyang panga. It broke me. He'd pass on this. And I'd never get the chance to ask him this again.
"Tinanong ko na ito sa'yo noon, pero hindi mo ako sinagot. You still have one pass and it's just fair if you want to use it now. But you said it's the truth hours... so I was hoping at least for once, sagutin mo naman 'to."
His eyes were just fixated on mine. I couldn't read his thoughts. I thought he'd pass, but then he opened his mouth to speak.
"I never answered you not because it will prove I love you less... but it's because I was not proud of what I've done, Aya."
Kumunot ang noo ko. Just when I was about to protest that he was speaking vaguely again, he continued on.
"You came back," he said in gritted teeth, as if those words were forced out of his mouth against his will. Umiling siya. "You came back and I had no choice."
"Paolo..."
Nakita ko ang paggalaw ng kanyang adam's apple. He shut his eyes tight and then opened it again to look at me.
"I'm not proud of what I've done, that's why I couldn't answer you. Kasi alam ko hindi ko dapat ginawa iyon kay Vienne." He shook his head, "She doesn't deserve that."
"P-Paolo, I-I don't understand a t-thing."
Hinawi niya ang kanyang buhok gamit ang kanyang mga daliri. "If I was married I knew I wouldn't go after you. Kung nakapangako na ako ng kasal sa kanya, alam ko hindi ko babawiin 'yun. It's the only way I know that will save myself from you..."
"Iniwan mo 'ko, e," he said, gripping the railings. Napapikit ako. "I didn't want to go over that again. Pero alam kong mahal kita... at dahil mahal kita, I was set to do stupid things again just to have you back. Kaya naisip ko..." His voice broke. "K-kaya naisip ko, kung kasal na kami ni Vienne, I'd at least have a reason not to run back to you. Kahit putangina, 'yung mga paa ko sa'yo at sa'yo pa rin ako dinadala."
"Paolo..."
"It's not because I love you less. It's not because I love her that much - ang gago mang pakinggan no'n. But that's noy the reason I couldn't tell you then," he said, slipping his hand to my side and then to the small of my back.
Hinigit niya ako upang yakapin. "Hindi ko lang magawang maamin sa'yo 'yung katarantaduhang ginawa ko. I was a fool who attempted to save myself at the expense of others. At the expense of Vienne, Aya... And I'm not proud of that."
"So why didn't you carry on with the plan?" tanong ko. "Why didn't you just save yourself from me?"
Hinigpitan niya ang yakap sa akin. "Dahil mahal kita," sagot niya na para bang iyon lang ang natatanging sagot sa taning ko. "Because if I let you slip away this time, this will be the biggest regret of my fucking life."
Oh, Trystan Paolo. My Trystan Paolo.
For perhaps a full minute, we stood there in each others' arms. His body against mine. Him and me... and everything else.
"It's 12:46, can I ask you my last question?" he said. Kumawala siya sa aming pagkakayakap. Tumango ako.
Hinawakan niya ang aking baba upang itaas nang bahagya ang aking ulo. I was now staring at his eyes as he looked back at me.
He caressed my cheek. "Can you give me a chance? Can you give us a chance?"
"Yes, Trystan Paolo. Yes."