You walk up the steps to your home while it's still dark outside, Steve guiding you. You feel absolutely defeated. You're head dipped, your shoulders slumped, your eyes itchy and tired from crying so much. You're praying that the kids aren't up because the last thing you want to do is deal with questions and make up an excuse. You're tired of lying, lying about everything. They're going to find out eventually anyway. However you also want a chance to sleep for a bit longer.
Quietly the two of you head inside and click the door shut behind you to find Peggy asleep in the lounge, wrapped up in a blanket on the couch.
"You head on to bed, I'll wake Peggy and we will go. I get that the last thing you want right now is us in your hair," Steve whispers.
As bad as you feel you just nod.
"Thanks Steve." You mumble and do exactly what he said, flopping down on your bed both physically and emotionally absolutely sapped.
However this doesn't mean you sleep. You just cannot stop thinking about Bucky and what just happened and you're getting frustrated at yourself because you feel mad at him when you shouldn't because he's got every right to feel the way he does but then again why should he take it out on you?
After tossing and turning for another hour or so you hear Theo crying and are actually thankful that you can get up and be distracted. You drag yourself to your room and sigh as you pick him up and prop him on your hip.
"Morning little boy." You smile as happily as you can at him.
"M-m-m," he stutters, seeming to try and get something out.
"What is it baby?" You ask him encouragingly.
He's already said words like mama and dada, again showing signs of advancement because of his enhanced abilities.
"M-m," he continues.
"Morning?" You try, saying it slowly. "Theo can you say good morning for me?"
"Mo-mo-ning. Mo-ning," he finally gets out.
Not perfect, but close.
"Oh! Good boy! Yay Theo!" You exclaim, feeling the happiest you've felt in so long, a familiar sense of pride dawning on you that still feels as special as it did with Luke and Isla.
He grins proudly, knowing he did well and claps his hands together.
"Mo-ning mama!" He shouts excitedly and points at you, his tears forgotten.
He spoke. At just six months old.
"Oh Theo I'm so proud of you! Who's such a big boy now!" You beam.
"Me?" He asks, frowning and points to himself.
"Yes you!" You nod eagerly.
"Yay! Yay! Yay!" He yells and wriggles around. "Me big!"
"Shhhh." You chuckle. "Don't wake your brother and sister."
"Sssowy." He manages to get out and pouts and quietens down.
"Sorry?" You ask him, quirking an eyebrow. "Did you just say sorry too?"
He nods vigorously.
Wow. It's like a switch just suddenly flicked over night and he's trying every word now.
"You're so clever baby boy!" You exclaim and squeeze him tight. "Now lets get you some breakfast."
That's another thing, he started eating solids pretty early too.
You take him out to the kitchen and put him in his high chair. Just then you realise that for the first time you forgot about the Bucky situation for a while and felt genuinely happy. This in itself makes you feel good. So much so that you decide to make pancakes for breakfast for everyone, it is a Saturday so there's no need to rush.
Considering how badly this weekend was shaping up to be just a few hours ago it's amazing how much better your kids have managed to make you feel already. Which is why you decide that this morning you're going to tell them that you're pregnant. If you can't tell them about Bucky you can at least tell them this. You can't keep everything from them and even though you wanted to tell Bucky first that might not happen for ages.
Just then both Isla and Theo comes wandering out of their room, bleary eyed and yawning with bed heads.
"Morning sunshines! Pancakes for breakfast?" You cheer.
At this they perk up.
"Yes!" They chime.
"Can I help?" Luke asks.
"Me too!" Isla shrieks jumping up and down.
"Sure." You laugh. "And after that I've got some exciting news, Luke you already know it though." You smile and look at him.
He nods, a cheeky, knowing look on his face.
Turns out that the job of making pancakes that should take twenty minutes tops takes over an hour with Isla and Luke and even Theo helping. For one they fight over who does what, two it turns into a food fight and three of course with you having to guide every single thing Theo does since he can't do anything for himself it slows everything down even more but eventually you do all end up with a plate stacked high with pancakes and topped with maple syrup in front of you.
"So mummy what's your big news?" Isla asks eagerly, her mouth stuffed full.
"Well guys, I'm pregnant!" You hush, unable to contain your smile.
Isla gasps. "So you're going to get really really fat again?"
You burst out laughing, you expected more of a 'yay I get to be a big sister again!' kind of reaction but nope, not at all what you got.
"Yes Isla." You laugh. "Yes I am."
"Haha that's funny." She grins.
"Aren't you excited? Maybe you'll get a sister this time!" You point out.
"I don't mind anymore." She shrugs. "I like Theo."
You smile at this and look at the other two. Luke is smiling happily but Theo is frowning at the commotion.
"Hear that Theo? Mummies having a baby! You won't be the little one of the family anymore!" You explain.
"Bubba?" He questions.
"Yes! You're going to be a brother!" You beam.
"But mum?" Isla suddenly says sounding concerned.
"Yeah sweetie?" You ask, looking at her to see her looking sad and you know exactly what's coming.
"What about daddy? Does he know? Is he going to come back for the baby?" She asks, her eyes full of worry.
You give Luke a sideways glance.
"No Isla he doesn't know. But I know that he will be here for this baby if and when he can be." You sigh sadly. "And until then we will cope. It's not his fault that he's not here."
"Does he still love us? I feel like he's hiding from us." She pouts.
Sometimes she just has little episodes like this.
"Aw sweetie he loves you so much but unfortunately that's the reason he has to go away all the time. He loves you beyond belief and I know that wherever he is right now he wants nothing more than to be right back here with you," you say passionately.
You might not be able to tell them the specifics, but you know that that's true.
~~~~
That next night when you finally do get to sleep you have a vivid dream. No, not a dream. A flashback, going back to over ten years ago now. It's a nightmare. In fact it's not even a nightmare. It's worse. It's your reality.
You walk down the corridor of school hugging your folder to your chest, feeling self conscious about people potentially seeing your belly and figuring out your secret even though that is literally impossible at this stage. You duck your head and avoid not just eye contact but people at general.
All you can hear and see is everyone's accusing and disgusted looks and comments as you pass them by. Jake is the most popular boy in school. The rumours have spread like wild fire and of course everyone is believing him.
"Slut." Someone shouts.
"Can you believe she'd do that? The tart was lucky to have him in the first place." Another murmurs.
Your heart rate quickens as do your steps and your nerves pick up as you spot Jake and his posy coming in your direction. Praying that you'll just get past them without any conflict you try to duck past them unnoticed. But then you feel a hand on your shoulder.
"Hey!" A rough voice snaps and before you know it your being pushed back and pressed up against a locker harshly. "Where do you think you're going?"
You flinch at how close the person has their face to yours and find yourself staring into the accusing eyes of Jakes best friend Brett.
Looking around you can see Joey and Tim as well. Just two days ago these guys were considered some of your best friends. But right now you feel completely intimidated by them.
"I asked you a question," Brett says firmly.
"I-I was just going to class." You stutter quietly and look at the ground scared, not wanting to create a scene.
"To class? Or to hook up with a guy in the janitors closet?" He says so accusingly.
"Haha good one Brett!" Joey laughs in his stupid, annoying, ridiculously thick Brooklyn accent.
"N-no I-" you try to get out but you're genuinely terrified right now.
"That was awful mean what you did to ole Jakey boy here. You broke his heart." Tim steps forward and tutts accusingly, placing his hand on the locker just above your head and coming close to your ear making your breath hitch.
"Yeah you two was meant to get married! What'd Jake ever do to you?" Joey chips in again.
You flick your gaze to Jake who just stands there looking emotionless. You can't tell if he's sorry or smug. He just looks at you, his black eye still swollen shut. What a coward he is, getting his mates to do the dirty work.
Oh if only you knew what Jake had done to me Joey, you think to yourself and move your hand discretely further down over your stomach.
"Hey!" You hear another deep voice shout except instead of making you jump this one makes relief wash over you.
Bucky puts his arm across you defensively and shoves Tim back. All of the boys back up, taken off guard for just a second before they straighten up and puff out their chests. Bucky steps in front of you, his face absolutely full of fury.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" He growls. "You guys leave her alone!"
"Not until she apologises for what she did to Jake," Brett steps forward and says in a challenging tone.
"Yeah not until she apologises." Joey repeats.
"Oh would you just shut up you idiot?!" Bucky snaps at him, probably speaking everyone's thoughts. "Why don't you just get your own original opinion?"
At this he shuts up and steps back, thank the lord. You weren't even scared of him, just annoyed.
"What does she have to apologise for?" Bucky asks incredulously. "He should be the one apologising."
"What do you think?" Tim scoffs. "For cheating on Jake with some other guy!"
"In fact you know what?" Brett says pointedly. "I bet it was you she was sleeping with."
"Me?" Bucky exclaims and you thank god that he isn't saying the truth, not that he would but he doesn't know you're hiding it. "Sleeping with (Y/N) would be like sleeping with my sister I've known her that long. No offence doll." He turns around to you but then looks back at them quickly. "And I swear to god if you even think about laying a finger on her after what you did Jake you'll pay." He points a finger at Jake who still just stands there unmoving.
"Yeah? In what way? It's not like he did anything," Tim challenges.
"Little do you know my friend." Bucky shakes his head. "And I'll give you two options. I can either expose your little secret or give you a matching set." He nods towards Jakes black eye. "Actually on second thought, lets go with the latter. It just seems so much more satisfying." He sighs and saunters forward to him, rolling up his sleeves in a relaxed manner.
Jake steps back and Brett steps in front of him, laying a hand on Bucky's chest. At this he grabs a fistful of Brett's collar and nearly lifts him off the ground since he's much stronger.
"You leave her alone," Bucky says darkly and coldly.
"Not until she apologises." He presses.
"Ha!" Bucky laughs loudly. "You want an apology? Come on boys. What are we? Five years old? Don't say it (Y/N)." Bucky practically hisses and holds his arm in front of you in defence.
"Say it," Joey says through gritted teeth.
"Don't. Say. It." Bucky repeats slowly.
"Say it!" Joey snaps.
You start to panic and feel the pressure of everyone looking at you.
"I-I I'm sorry for what I did Jake." You whimper before running off and bursting out crying, unable to stand it any longer.
You run and run through the school corridors until you hear rushed footsteps coming towards you and then another hand on your back. You're about to freak out but then you hear his soft, concerned voice.
"Doll are you okay?" Bucky asks and guides you off to the side and into the janitors closet of all places - great, let the rumours continue. "(Y/N)?" He asks as he shuts the door behind you.
You don't answer, just turn and start balling your eyes out into his chest. You're embarrassed and hurt and scared.
"Why did you let them walk all over you like that doll?" He asks as he strokes your hair.
"Because it's better than everyone knowing the truth." You sob.
"But he's such a dick he deserves to be named and shamed!" Bucky exclaims angrily.
"James please don't tell anyone. It will expose me too," you remind him worriedly.
"Don't worry doll I wouldn't get you in trouble. He's the one that deserves to suffer. I'd twist the story to say something like he raped you. Then it's not your fault. I don't care if it's not the truth he's a filthy dirtbag that deserves everything he gets," Bucky says distastefully.
"Just please don't say anything." You continue to cry.
But then all of a sudden you feel his warm, supportive arms unravel from around your fragile body and he pulls away. Just like that you feel all cold and alone and vulnerable and scared. You look up to see that he's gone but as you look around frantically you see him, sitting in that chair, his head hanging, his long hair dangling in his face and his hands chained together behind his back just like he was in that cell.
"B-Bucky?" You frown weakly, confused by what's going on. "Buck what's happening?"
"(Y/N) I think you should go," he says emotionlessly and in a monotone voice, his words echoing around the dark room and rattling off the walls.
"What?" You gasp frightened. "Bucky what are you saying?"
"Leave (Y/N). It's what's best for all of us," he says coldly, not looking up at you.
"But Buck? Please! No!" You plead. "I need you to help me!"
He doesn't answer.
"You said you would help me!" You cry.
"Yeah? Well people change (Y/N)," he says harshly.
"But I can't do this without you! Bucky please! Don't do this!" You beg.
"I said you need to leave!" He suddenly screams furiously.
You bolt upright in bed gasping for breath, drenched in sweat and trembling in fear.
It was just a nightmare. You try tell yourself.
No it wasn't. That literally just happened a few hours ago. Bucky said those things to you. Bucky made you feel this way.
You burst out crying and lay back down, clutching your pillow in the darkness and trying to make it muffle your sobs. With a sickening feeling in your stomach you realise something awful.
You're scared. You're scared of your husband.
No. You don't want to be. He doesn't mean it. He's just confused and frustrated right now. His anger is not intentionally directed at you.
But not only have you realised that. You've realised something else too, something more important. You cannot survive without Bucky. You need him and he needs you. That's half the reason you feel scared right now; you're scared of loosing him.