"You're supposed to be dead, Cade." I repeated, my voice breaking horribly. I didn't have to open my eyes nor did I have to see him in the light to know the person standing before me was a dead man.
When he didn't respond, my eyes flickered open to find the shadowy face that I thought I'd never get to see again. He looked so unlike himself, and yet so much like the same guy I remembered. I brushed my thumb across his harsh cheekbones and he swallowed hard, unable to utter a thing as we stood in silence- so many things to say, yet nothing said in this moment at all.
It's funny, how Tyler had grown to look as Cade had, and now here in this moment it's very apparent Cade had out grown of himself, he looked more rugged, more worn, more melancholic- and it pained me in such a way to acknowledge just how long it had been.
"How did you know?" Cade finally asked, his voice hoarse.
At this, the first sound of confirmation, the sound of someone I now knew to really be Cade, I lost it- pulling him in and clutching him tightly, beginning to sob into his chest, slowly but surely, I began to feel his arms wrap around my torso until we were just holding onto each other as if his newfound life depended on it.
Perhaps all the years of being dry-eyed had been building up until this moment, my eyes stung as tears continuously streamed down my cheeks as if a dam had broken through, this was no leak. "Cade." I rasped, my voice barely audible against him and amidst the loud, deafening silence asking for answers.
"I'm sorry." he breathed, his hand cradling the back of my head as we stayed in the tight embrace. "I'm sorry." he repeated.
"All this time... you've been here all along." I blubbered.
"I'm sorry." was all he could bring himself to say, his hold on me is trembling and he's buried his face into my hair, yet his voice is muffled more by pain and it hurts to hear it.
I laughed quietly, delirious at the absurdity of it all. "I don't understand..." I began, feeling his grip on me tense, "You're supposed to be dead... you're... I went to your funeral! You're supposed to be six feet underground you- you idiot!"
Cade slowly pulled away and stared at me with a gentle, sad smile. "Idiot?" he questioned lightly, attempting to wipe away my never-ending flow of tears with his heavy-handed glove.
"I... that's what you get out of that?" I asked incredulously, kicking his shin without thinking. Another difference between Tyler and Cade was that Cade had never flinched, it didn't surprise me when he took the kick, followed by the blows my fists landed against his harsh, jagged armour. "Where have you been, dammit! How... why... explain yourself!" I cried. When an unstoppable force meets an immovable object... my knuckles hurt.
Cade finally stopped my fists after taking repetitive blows, enclosing them in his hands. "I'm sorry." was all he managed to say.
I grunted, yanking one of my fists out of his hold and throwing it back, my knuckles slamming into his face, cracking his head to the side harshly. Perhaps the fury of my actions were irrational, but the situation itself was bizarre and very much insane. I think I understand how emotion can consume people, I feel as though I've been chewed up and spat out, and now as if I'm looking at myself from his eyes, seeing the girl's pathetic inability to be rational- which infuriates me even more.
Cade pulled his hand away from his lips and looked down at his gloved fingertips, it seems as though my punch had caused him to bleed, and just as ridiculous as it had come from my weak punch, the cut began to heal over, his split lip rejoining together like badly done stitches which quickly got denser and looked tighter in the next second, soon after revealing his very fine face. He made a sound, like something halfway between a scoff and a bitter laugh, "That hurt." he murmured.
I inhaled an uneasy breath as his intense gaze bored into mine, unwavering. "You're invincible anyway, you big baby," I muttered, my knuckles throbbing from the contact and my lips trembling at the sight of him.
He smiled sadly, the slight edge of his lips only caught from the moon's glint coming from the window. "I still feel." he said hollowly.
I merely stared back in silence, unable to drag my eyes away from his eyes. I didn't want to look away either, I couldn't bring myself to risk it- I won't let him get away without answers. But most importantly, I don't want to let him get away again.
"I'm sorry because I don't have answers." he began slowly, "I'm... just as in the dark as you are, Liv." he finally said, his answer slow and hesitant- I hate that I believe him. Cade wouldn't lie.
Cade isn't lying.
I wiped away the last of my stray tears aggressively with the back of my hand, "How can you not know though..." I trailed off, completely lost, "Are you sure you didn't come back to life and dig yourself out of the coffin with newfound powers?"
Cade narrowed his eyes, looking incredibly disturbed. "I wish I could deny that, but I don't know. When I came to, I was lying in an apartment in a different city, fuzzy memories of bright white lights and incoherent murmurs. Not the mention these insane abilities and an uncontrollable urge to be... this." he muttered bitterly, gesturing to his armour, gesturing to Super Psych, himself. And yet, I feel as though they're not the same people, I'm not talking to the hero, I'm talking to Cade.
"This is all so weird..." I breathed, burying my head in my hands as I went over his vague explanation in my head, "Give me a moment to process this. How is it possible to feel so overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time?"
"I wish I could give you a better answer." he said.
"Ty." I found myself blurting suddenly, whipping my head up to stare at Cade incredulously, "Tyler."
Cade jerked at the sound of his brother's name. "What-"
"Ty, does he know? Oh my god- he-"
"He doesn't know." he said, his firm voice startling me. "He can't know."
I scoffed harshly, "Of course he has to know! He's your brother! He still thinks you're dead!"
Cade suddenly gripped my shoulders, urgently yanking me forward, the harsh gloves of his hands digging into my skin. "As far as I'm concerned, Cade is dead." he said.
I scowled, my eyes stinging, "As far as I'm concerned, you sound very stupid. You need to tell him! Don't you understand how big this is?"
He stared at me exasperatedly, his desperate eyes locked fiercely onto mine and I feel my adrenaline slowly melt away as I realise the severity of the situation in the atmosphere he'd suddenly created. "Liv, I understand more than anyone. And more than anything, I want to see my brother again." he said lowly.
I winced at his tightening grip and Cade notices, retracting his hands apologetically back but maintaining his sincerity. "It's because I care that I understand the cruelty of coming back into his life only just to disappear again." Cade continued.
Wait, what?
"Disappear?" I repeated, narrowing my eyes, "What do you mean? You'd voluntarily leave or something?"
"I've reached my peak a year ago." he murmured, "A lot of us are just playing the waiting game. Like some sick, expiration date sits inside us."
"I don't understand." I denied, grabbing his arm.
Cade smiled sadly, his head lowered, "I'm not invincible, Liv."
"You just came back, what the hell is going on?" I exclaimed, desperation evident in my voice and probably very clear on my face.
He chuckled, but it held no humour. "Probably shouldn't have said that." he said under his breath, and before I can retort or smack an answer out of him, he reaches up to brush my hair back, causing my breath to hitch and my heightened emotions to ease a little. "You've grown so much." he murmured, his hands gently cupping my face, looking at me properly for the first time in the a long time. My heart aches, I don't want him to let go.
I sighed, giving in. I'm not going to let what he said go, but there are some other questions I'd like answered too, so for the meantime, I'll follow through his misdirected conversation. "Idiot." I murmured, "It's a little late for that comment."
"Maybe I've been holding off to say it as Cade." he said lightly.
I raised an eyebrow, "So you're saying you would've eventually told me?"
"No." he answered bluntly, "I'm saying a part of me was hoping you'd figure it out."
"You didn't give me much to work with, I can't believe it's actually you." I breathed, reaching up to pull on his cheek. Cade smiled sheepishly, allowing me to proceed with the weird touching.
"How did you know?" he finally asked, I say finally because he looks as though he's expelled all the air in him as he voices his question. I pursed my lips, rather bemused about how I came to the right conclusion, too.
"It wasn't something I was trying to figure out per se." I admitted, "You're right, there's a lot of people in this city and the chances of it being someone supposedly dead was practically... impossible- but I just couldn't shake the familiarity I kept feeling towards you, feeling like you."
He nodded slightly, processing my words with his eyebrows drawn together. His attention completely on me, and it's both frightening and warming to realise I've gotten it before. "You reminded me a lot of Tyler, and Tyler reminded me a lot of you, too." I continued softly, suddenly feeling horrible for having to keep this from him.
Having to? Did I even have a right to tell him? I'm his best friend... Cade is his brother... he deserved to know more than anyone.
"Liv?" Cade asked softly, shaking me out of my uncontrollable thoughts. "You thought I might have been Tyler?"
I shook my head, practically scoffing at the absurdity of his claim. "As if. If Tyler was a Super, I'd be able to tell from the get-go. I'd be a moron to suspect the guy I know most, much less not know if he was a Super. Besides, your stature and form are completely different, and you wear a mask, not a shower cap."
Cade chuckled, "Fair enough... but that still doesn't explain how you figured it out."
I pursed my lips, staring at him. I ran my hand down the side of his face and felt the faint indentations of the scars I'd left years ago. "You can't heal old scars, can you?" I guessed.
He shook his head, confirming my suspicion. "My mask- that's how you knew?" he asked, laughing softly at the absurdity.
"Your silly explanation of using a half mask didn't sit right with me, and even knowing the truth as to why still seems silly. And no, not really- but it did make the most sense." I explained, watching his lips twitch into a small smile. "I never apologised for messing up your face... I'm sorry."
"I spent the first few years wondering how they came about, everything kind of fit into place when I reunited with you." he commented softly, "As a matter of fact, it all came to me here."
Here? I turned around to look at the large picture hanging on the wall and smiled as I recollected the moment. "Right, when I wanted you to take me to my room... so you saw the picture and remembered everything?"
"Something like that."
I nodded, a little shaken to know that Cade had initially lost his memories. What on earth happened to him?
Before I can further bombard him with questions, the sound of the doorknob twisting puts me into alert and Cade quickly reacts by taking my hand and teleporting us to the corner of my room, the corner which became a blind spot when the door opened. I would've shrieked in surprise if it were not for the urgent hand clamped against my mouth- muffling my sounds. This situation feels familiar, I'm just glad blood isn't involved this time around. Elizabeth walked in, "I could've sworn..." she muttered to herself before turning around and walking out.
"A little warning next time," I said when Cade let go and the sound of Elizabeth's footsteps retreated downstairs.
"Who was that?" he asked instead, confused.
"Ah, right, you've been absent for a while." I laughed awkwardly, Cade cringed a little. "My dad remarried." I told him tersely, "A lot's happened."
Cade's face lit up, "How are my parents?" He asked.
The smile I'd reciprocated left as quickly as it had come and I feel as though I've been knocked in the chest- left winded and unable to react. Cade narrowed his eyes, concern now etched across his features. "Liv?" He called for, I could hear the panic and fear in his voice and it left me paralysed with uselessness.
He didn't know.
Of course he didn't know...
What right do I have to deliver such news? I don't want to tell him. Not for secret's sake, but for the sake of the little innocence I see is left in him. I watched in frozen shock as the light seemed to die in Cade's eyes, returning to their dark empty state in clear realisation that something is in fact wrong.
I keep finding myself in these darned dilemmas that all inevitably conclude by leaving a bitter taste in my mouth. Right now, my mouth has dried up, I opened my mouth to speak and find myself unable to say anything other than, "I'm sorry." and my voice is barely audible. I know he hears me, but it doesn't seem as though he does- his eyes had unfocused and he'd begun swaying on his feet slightly, evidently distraught and unsure how to react.
"When?" he asked, his voice soft and hoarse.
"Not long after you..." died.
Cade began laughing, and it's clear to me now that we shared the same coping mechanism, he's laughing, but all I hear is crying. I see now that it's just as painful to witness as it is to do. "I see, a lot really has happened." he said, his forced smile incredibly unnerving.
"All the more reason not to tell Tyler." he continued, raising his head to fix a steady gaze on me, it's almost threatening.
"Cade..."
"I'm sorry." he sighed, rubbing the nape of his neck casually as if the broken news a moment ago had never occurred, "I didn't realise how hard it'll be on you, you two are close after all."
I'm terrified. I don't even know if he's being sarcastic and the beckoning sadness behind his smile is heart-wrenching. "You... you're planning on leaving anyway, aren't you?" I assumed quietly, his expression is enough confirmation and I bite my tongue, hating to be right in this moment. "Why? Jackie is here, Tyler's here... and if it counts, I'm here." I said, and it seemed like nothing more than a plead over a lost cause to my own ears.
Why do I feel as though I'm losing Cade yet again?
"A cat's choice of tranquil death." he murmured vaguely.
"What?" Why did that strike a familiar chord? I'm failing to understand...
Cade smiled serenely, "I'm glad I got to see you again." he said instead, not catering to my confusion.
Why does it feel like this is the last time I'll be seeing him?
"Cade!" I cried, tugging at his arm like a relentless child begging for attention. "I don't understand." Desperation had crawled up my throat and taken my tongue hostage, I was choking on my own words.
"Life's funny, despite my efforts I just can't seem to stop it, and here in this moment, for once... I'm glad I'm breathing." he said quietly, his voice is a melancholic hum that serenades my knees, and I drop to them, staring blankly back at death from below.
Why does it feel like he's about to disappear once and for all?
"Why did this have to happen to you..." I asked, "Why..." nothing is adding up, no explanation can justify how the universe took Cade and gave him back in mismatched pieces. What did it take to get my optimistic big brother this way?
Cade got down to his knees, letting me fall into his arms as I proceeded to wonder if I was expected to live the rest of my life in the dark, never knowing how much pain it took to change a person this much. "I'm not happy," I stated dumbly.
Cade sighed, stroking my hair, "This is my fault, I should have left when I realised-"
"Not your fault." I huffed, my voice muffled by his chest.
"I was selfish to have let this happen." he continued softly, "I'm sorry."
"You hypocrite, stop apologising." I chided wryly, "Just... stay... be with us, come back home."
"You say that like it's simple-"
"But it is!" I retorted, cutting him off.
"Tell me, Liv, what's my brother's mental state right now?" He asked calmly, the abrupt change surprising me.
"What-"
"I died four years ago." He continued, "There's an empty coffin with my name on it buried in the ground where my brother thinks I am. I didn't even know my parents were dead until a mere moment ago. My abilities that are envied are slowly killing me. Want to know the most pathetic part? I'm not even angry at the people who made me like this, I'm just so fucking confused as to why." He said, his voice breaking. "How do I explain all this bizarre crap to the little brother who looked up to me? And how do I live a life when I know I'm supposed to be dead? I'm supposed to be dead, Liv. The dead shouldn't come back to life. Yet here I am...." Cade inhaled sharply, "I can't even fucking die when I want to. I just keep healing, it won't stop."
I swallowed hard, processing his words. I'm so overwhelmed. Please don't speak of death, Cade. Please stop hurting yourself.
"Please try to understand." he finally said, his voice low.
And even after all the sickening things he'd said, the most sickening thing was that I didn't want to understand though I did. I wanted so badly for my hopeless solution to work out, my too hopeful solution that was too close on the brink of being crushed. The solution that maybe if Cade came back, Tyler would stay and everything would be okay.
I sighed, "Looks like we're both pretty selfish." I murmured, "I just want my family back together."
"You have a family, and who's to say I'll stop being yours?" Cade responded lightly, but there's a sadness to his voice that can't be overlooked.
"Ty is leaving, too. Did you guys both plan to break my heart this year?" I asked jokingly, blinking back the tears. I'm surprised I feel as though I can go for another big cry after the one I'd done earlier.
Cade narrowed his eyes, "Tyler's leaving?" He echoed, confused.
"Yeah, at the end of this month." I explained grimly, "I'm still having a hard time accepting his lame reason for it, but his decision is pretty final..."
"Liv..."
"Just... please pay Jackie one last visit before you leave, too." I requested, "I know she sees you as her son."
Cade tensed, my words striking another chord within him. It's clear he sees her as a parental figure, too. I think I've given up on trying to convince my silly brothers to stay and live for me, after all, people shouldn't live for other people.
"Will you be okay?" he asked softly, grabbing my hand and giving it a slight squeeze. I want him to squeeze harder, I want him to shatter my hand if it meant it'd be proof that he was real, that he had really been here.
My eyes stung with tears and I blinked them back, "I'll miss you." I said, my voice breaking.
"I'll miss you more." he said.
"Liar." I laughed, feeling as though I'd cry.
He chuckled, "You haven't changed."
"Didn't you say that I've grown? I keep hearing that one." I murmured.
Cade shook his head, "Changing is not the same as growing. Everyone grows, but who you are as a person has not changed. You're still kind, and strong, and smarter than you give yourself credit for."
I smiled, "It's as though you've been watching me grow this whole time."
"Keep thinking that." he said, "So in every moment of weakness you experience from this day forth, you'll know I'm watching, I'll believe in you always."
"Idiot." I breathed, squeezing his hand back, "You're going to make me miss you even more."
"Then think of me as the the moon, I'll be with you like that." he said seriously, "You can't see me sometimes, but I'll still be there."
"You're still as sappy as ever." I said, his words reassuring and heart warming. "It's still so hard to believe that you've been that awkward Super all this time."
"Awkward?" Cade echoed.
I guffawed at his cluelessness, "Are you kidding me? So awkward. Especially in the beginning."
He scratched his head, sheepish, "Ah...I wasn't lying when I said I didn't know how to act around you. I knew who you were, but you didn't who I was; every time I saw you I just..."
I smiled, "Now that I think about it, it really does make sense. Sometimes you were awkward, but when I managed to put your guard down you were suddenly your wise self."
Cade stared at me, as though he was trying to memorise my features. His gaze was almost sad, and I suddenly realise why. "I'm guessing New York." I said suddenly, watching for his reaction.
His looked startled, but quickly composed himself, "What-"
"They're in more need of a hero and they have great pizza, right, Super Psych?" I asked rhetorically, patting his armoured chest.
"You knew?"
"Turns out I'm pretty good at subconsciously piecing things I don't want together. The conclusion made the most sense, too bad it doesn't appease to my own." I laughed slightly, "Just answer me this, do you even want to be Super Psych?"
He hesitated, then he let out a warm laugh, surprising me, "Well, I have quite a fan here in San Fransisco I don't want to let down."
I rolled my eyes, managing a smile nonetheless. "I've always been a bigger fan of my two brothers..."
Cade grinned, "They must be pretty great."
"Idiots, yes, but my heroes." I laughed, "Let's rip this band-aid off." I decided, getting up and holding out my hands for him to take and though he clearly doesn't need my help to stand, he obliges and takes them. "I think if I see you again I won't be able to let you go," I admitted.
"Is this goodbye?" he asked.
I pursed my lips, pretending as though that word didn't feel as heavy as it did. Letting go of his hands, I headed over to my desk and pulled out the top drawer to blindly let my hand search for something, and when I get ahold of it, I turn back to Cade and hold the item out for him.
"What-"
"The original photograph. I want you to have it." I explained, "You can get it miniaturised and put it into that keychain I gave you and Ty... so even if you don't decide to see him, you'll still get to see...us." I said firmly, "By the way, I think Ty is considering New York, too."
Cade looked overwhelmed and completely dumbstruck, but he eventually took the photograph from between my fingers and managed a genuine smile. "Thank you."
I picked up the half mask at our feet and clutched it to my chest. "Leave Super Psych with this extra ordinary girl, I'll take care of him. So take care of yourself, mister extraordinary." I said, and it's the closest to a goodbye I can manage without breaking down.
"Happy birthday, stranger." he said, brushing my hair back and placing a kiss on my forehead.
I smiled, "I think it's past midnight."
He laughed sheepishly, pulling away, "Then goodbye."
I still had so many questions, so many things I wanted to talk about... and yet I found myself saying the last words of our final depart instead, "Goodbye."
And with that, he vanished into thin air, the only trace of him left behind is the unexplainable scent of his cologne.
The inexplicable overwhelming and underwhelming feeling lingered with me in the darkness, but believe it or not, there was some sort of serenity to it all.
Perhaps there's a little bliss in ignorance.