I pulled against Ashton's grip, all of my power focused on getting to Luke and Michael. Ashton frowned, clearly not pleased with the position this was putting him in. If he let me stay, I would get sucked into the whirlpool of uncertainty and chaos created by the boys. If he made me leave, I would be forced to watch them drown, with no way to help save them.
I kept hearing him mutter "it's for your own good" and "c'mon Madds's please" but I blocked his words from entering my thoughts. I had one focus right now, to figure out what was going on. To my dismay, Ashton had other plans. No matter how hard I fidgeted, he somehow managed to get me into his car.
I sat in the passenger seat, head in hands. I could feel Ashton's worried stare burning into me as he drove to get my car from his apartment. I was trapped inside my mind, racking my brain for answers I didn't have. I always had the answers. Why couldn't I find them now? I imagined the scene I had just left. I pictured Luke storming at Michael. My mind finished the scene for me. Each version it created became more unnerving than the last.
Ashton pulled up to his home, guiding me over to my car. He lifted my chin to look at him.
"Listen, I know you hate not having the answers written out in front of you, but there are something's you are better off not knowing. Sometimes it is better to wonder than to know. The things you imagine are a whole lot better than the truth," he softly pushed my hair out of my face.
"Is it because of me?" I ask him, needing to know.
"You are a smart girl Madds, if you think hard enough I'm sure you will figure it out," He gave me a hopeful smile. I doubted that. I could figure out an equation, I could ace a test, but when it came to this I was helpless. A clueless wanderer.
"Is it always going to be this complicated?" I sigh. My thoughts running over all the conflicts I have faced this week. It was as if the perfectly placed pieces of my life had managed to get strewn and displaced. I was stuck trying to fit the pieces back together.
"It doesn't have to be. It'll pass. It always does," he tried to lift my spirits, but the deep worry lining his eyes tell me he doesn't believe the words leaving his mouth.
"Thanks for bringing me back, make sure Luke is okay for me?" I bite my lip. Ashton nods, promising he is heading back over there now.
I got into my car, letting out a deep sigh. Just when it seemed as if the world was back on our side, a new complication interrupted its orbit.
Good things lead to high hopes, but what goes up must come back down. I was on my way back down. As soon as one question was answered, a new one was formed. An endless cycle of the unknown becoming the known.
As much as my body was urging me to drive back over there, to storm through the gates and find out what was happening, I fought the impulse. The worry in Ashton's eyes haunted me as I drove through the desolate roads. They boy who was always optimistic, always believing, was caught in this newly formed cycle of struggles. How long until the cycle stretched one of us to our snapping point?
I drowned out my melodramatic thoughts the only way I knew how. Work. The endless chapters in my textbook pushed the worries to the back of my mind. If they began to resurface, I would shove them away with any homework I could find. By the end of the night I had finished everything that was due within the next three weeks.
My fingers kept tapping on my phone. Waiting for a text or call from one of the boys. Waiting for the answers I would never receive. As my eyelids began to weigh down, the room becoming a blur with the thoughts in my mind, sleep almost finding me, I finally received a text. It was short. It was simple. Yet, it eased some of the bubbling anxiety in me.
I'm sleeping at Ashton's tonight. Everyone is alive. Goodnight beautiful x
I probably reread it thirty times before sleep took over me. Just knowing that Luke was safe brought me calamity. Just knowing that I was on his mind this late at night made me fall asleep with a smile plastered on my face.
The next few days were rough. Jonah found me in the hallway Monday morning at school. His eyes soft with what felt like pity. The last time I saw him, I was broken and confused. A lot has happened in two days.
"How are you doing?" He questioned with caution as we walked to English. Before I could help myself I was rehashing every part of the weekend to him. I wasn't sure why, but it felt right. I needed an outside voice. Someone to convince me I wasn't crazy. Someone who would prove this wasn't all in my head.
I told him about the party, about my talk with Luke, about yesterday. I watched as his eyes widened with every additional detail. Listening to myself rehash everything that happened made me realize how foolish it all sounded. It felt as if I was telling the story of someone else's life. By the end, I was breathless, yet my body felt lighter. I could see his brows furrowed, taking in everything I had spilled to him.
"You probably think I'm stupid," I look at his distraught face.
"No, I just think you need to be careful," he looked over at me. "I can tell they care about you, a lot, but that doesn't mean they won't hurt you. Even if they don't mean to."
I take in his words. Ashton would never hurt me. He has been there for me more than my own family. He was my family. Luke, well, the more I thought about it, the more I realized I barely knew him. A week had felt like such a long time. It had felt like I had known every detail of his life, when in reality I didn't even know half of his story. I couldn't tell until I tried to explain to Jonah that I knew he would never hurt me. I actually didn't know. Then there was Michael. Just a few days ago I said he would never hurt me. I said he was going to be a new best friend of mine. Look what happened.
"I'm not going to live in the fear of what could happen. I'm going to live in the hopes of what can happen," I scrunch my nose, "That didn't make sense did it?"
"It did," he laughed, "In your own Maddie way." He winked at me. We sat down in the back of class, taking out our notes. Jonah turned to me one last time before class began.
"Just make sure it is what you really want before you rush into things," Jonah gave me a small smile, "I don't want to see you get hurt."
I smiled at him. No one wanted to see me get hurt, but we don't always get what we want. Was I rushing into things? I mean, I've known Luke for a week now, which isn't really that long. I guess we are "dating" but I mean, it still isn't that serious yet. He hasn't even kissed me for god's sake. The more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself it was what I wanted. I wanted him. For now everything was comfortable. Except the outlying factor of Michael.
Michael.
I never got an answer. I never got an explanation of what happened that day after Ashton pulled me through the gate. Quite frankly, I was afraid to ask.
Later that night, when I facetimed with Luke before bed, there was no mention of Michael. When Ashton jumped Luke from behind, both of their smiles lighting up my phone screen, no one mentioned him. We focused rather on each other's smiles, and the reason behind the happy things that caused them. In that moment, all that mattered was that we had each other.
The troubles were on a hold, but you can only hold in a scream for so long. Eventually you run out of breath and have to let it out. We held our breath for a few days longer.
Sure I wanted to know. I had a burning desire to know the reason behind everything that had happened, but I also liked to enjoy the good times while they lasted. You never knew just how long they would last.
A few nights later, in the middle of the week, I found myself curled up between Luke and Ashton. We sat watching pointless television shows. We wanted to live in each other's arms. We wanted to drown ourselves in each other's laughs.
We did just that.
At least for a little while.
"Did we tell you we booked a gig this weekend?" Luke poked my cheek as Ashton walked back over to the couch with a bowl of popcorn.
"No, that is awesome!" I gasped, clapping in excitement. Ashton started singing the chorus to "Everything is So Awesome" of course. Luke tried to hold back his proud smile, but failed miserably. "My boys are going to be famous," I squeaked.
"Yeah because playing in a small bar with no people there makes us Hollywood level," Luke sassed, but his face was lit with excitement and pride.
"Hey it's a start, you guys should be proud!" I smiled, giving Luke a squeeze. Ashton's smile was bigger than his face as he began rambling on about the details. I rested my head on Luke's chest. He traced his thumb around my cheeks, and the curve of my smile. I was ever so grateful to be able to share a moment of joy like this with them. Those moments when your heart swells with so much excitement, you are overfilled with proudness.
"You better be there," Ash smiled, poking my sides. I squirmed with laughs, Luke watching my eyes crinkle in laughter, making his dimples that I have come to love surface.
"I wouldn't miss it," I smile. The rest of the night was filled with more laughs, and random shenanigans. At one point Ashton was carrying me around the living room, taunting Luke to try and catch us. We all ended up toppled over on the floor. The pleasure in the air, and enjoying all the little things kept us cheerful through the night. No thought of trouble interrupted the sound waves of our laughter. No harsh words cut at the strings of amusement holding us together. We were enjoying one of those moments. One of those moments of pure bliss, when it felt like everything was going right. As if that moment was all that mattered.
But moments can't last forever.
That was when Calum came stumbling through the door, with an equally drunken Michael at his side. Calum's eyes were glazed over, not registering the three of us sitting with wide eyes, staring at the pair of them. Michael's high pitched laugh echoed throughout the silent room. I shivered at the wicked tone, Luke and Ashton tightened their grips around me.
I guess the moment of bliss was over. It was back to the cold reality of our problems. This time there was no escaping.
Sorry it took me so long to update! Vote and comment what you liked☺️ You guys are the best!!