Look for the <> to know when to listen to this song!
I spent the next week in and out of consciousness as my body slowly recovered from whatever harsh treatment they gave me, but I was still in unbearable pain most days. During this time, I met with the new doctor that was overseeing me. I liked to call him doctor Cali mainly because that was where he was from. Though he told me his real name, it didn't stick with me since I wanted Doctor Patel to oversee me instead of him. This new doctor seemed to be a little cocky and unable to read my sarcasm, which I was full of.
During this week I found out that Peter was doctor Cali's nephew and that he was a successful Doctor on the west coast for cancer. Somehow Peter pulled strings from him to come here to treat me. What blew my mind was that he was also the same doctor that Doctor Patel wanted me to see in California. This was another reminder that the world was small, especially when it came to doctors.
Through Doctor Cali and Patel's teamwork, they found a new treatment that worked perfectly for me, something that I could handle with 'Clare' as Doctor Patel always reminded me. They explained the treatment in specifics to me a few days ago but I'm pretty sure I understood nothing they told me. What I remembered was that the first month was going to be hard, harder than anything I have ever experienced before. My body would try to reject the drug, but it would be important to push through.
They asked me if I was ready for it, and if I wanted to go through with it, I told them, yes, I wanted it as I remembered what Anna told me. I had to fight like Hell, that was the agreement, but I think I was more ready for it than ever before.
Because my body was compromised from the treatment, no visitors could see me. That being said, my parents sat right outside my room every day, faithfully writing messages that were taped to the windows or texts through the phone. The messages were positive and I'm pretty sure they found on Pinterest. Sometimes the messages were small stories that happened to them earlier that day, and if I had the energy, I would write them back on a whiteboard the nurses gave me or through my phone.
Without fail, right after school every day, Farrah would come to the hospital to join my parents and convince the nurses to let her stay after visiting hours. She would always greet me with a smile then proceed to send me paragraph messages about her drama and stories she picked up at school. I don't think I understood most of her written stories because they seemed to hop from unconnected events and ideas, but they still made me smile, mainly because I felt like she once again cared about me.
<>
During that week, however, I never saw Peter. When I tried to ask my parents about him, they would always change the topic. I wasn't sure if they even knew where he was at. He just seemed to disappear into thin air. I kept on expecting to see him, to smile through the windows of my room, but it never happened as the days ticked by.
Once again, he did not text me or send a message through his uncle. By now, I didn't need a message to know that we weren't getting back together, even as friends. It hurt to think that even when I got better, he would not be around, but I was trying to make peace with it. However, one thing I wanted to know was where he went off to, but I figured I just finally scared him off.
Today was day six in the hospital and finally, they let me bring in my laptop. I sat on my laptop surfing the web, knowing that my parents wouldn't be here for another hour. With my parents were nowhere to be seen, my entertainment fell to 0%.
I was hoping for some kind of celebration because today was a special. Finally, after almost a week of no personal contact, Doctor Cali told me that I could have contact with people tomorrow. He proceeded to raise my hopes by saying that if I was lucky, I could be out in three more days. Honestly, I just felt lucky that I was totally conscious today. It had been a rough week with the new treatment, and I could easily say I had been through hell. But it was all worth it because I was alive, I made it, the cancer was shrinking beyond all the odds. They did it. Doctor Patel and doctor Cali managed it.
I scrolled down the screen of my laptop until it froze on me. I frowned at it as if it could see my disapproval as I heard birds chirp outside my window, wishing more than anything to be out there, where the sun was shining. I looked out the window for a second, watching the leaves blow around in the wind, their green color changing into a yellowy red. The weather was getting colder, and I knew that before long all the birds would go south before the harsh winter came.
So much for my summer. But winter had it's beauty as well, often I overlooked the season, but I wasn't doing to do that this year. Determined, I would look for the beauty in every season because life was too short to hate things.
My head snapped over to the window of the hospital hall when I heard a tap on my window. There on the other side was Peter, with flowers in his hand. I kept my face like stone as I stared at him. I hadn't seen him in a week, no messages, no notes from my parents, or his uncle. I thought he dropped off the face of the earth, so why did he show up now? Why did he even show up at all?
Be more polite, a little voice said in my head, knowing that he saved my life. If he really wanted to save my life, why didn't he bring his uncle to the hospital sooner? Did he enjoy watching me suffer? Or did he want me to be forever in his gratitude because my parents would, but I for sure wouldn't be.
In his other hand, he held a notebook. He flipped it open so I could see it through the window.
"Hi" was all that was written as he smiled with a wave.
I rolled my eyes at him, refusing to smile. I was not sure what his goal was coming here, but I would not swoon over a simple message. I needed reasons why he didn't communicate with me and I was waiting for that.
He flipped the page and jotted something down, holding it up so I could read it. "My uncle won't let me in."
I shrugged. This wasn't the worst news I have heard all day. At least this room protected me for the time being.
He held up his finger and wrote again on his notebook. "I want to explain myself."
I raised my eyebrows at him, knowing that this would be good. I opened word on my laptop and typed out, "I'm waiting." I flipped the laptop around so he could see it.
He smiled and laughed as if this was funny. In his notebook, he wrote, "I missed your sassy attitude."
I shook my head. What was he doing? What did he want? Weren't we over?
"I honestly did not know or understand how bad you were until you broke up with me that day. That was when I think I fully understood how sick you were." He wrote and then looked at me as if it was my fault that I didn't tell him. Telling him wasn't the first thing on my mind since it was a total mood killer. I hoped I would get better before I had to tell him, but we all know what happened with that.
"Wasn't the first thing on my mind to tell you." I typed back.
He shook his head in disapproval, with a hint of hurt in his eyes. "I thought you were going to tell me everything."
I typed back, "I did. I just left that out. Kind of a mood killer if I told you I was dying. That was why I broke up with you. I wanted you to have a future." I flipped the computer screen back at him so he could read.
I watched his eyes follow what I typed, then stood in silence for a moment as he thought. He flipped his notebook back around and jotted down. "I want you in my future."
I rolled my eyes at him even though my heart melted as I read the note again. Remaining mad at him was getting harder by the second. He wanted me, and as impossible as that seemed, I couldn't help but wonder if he was kidding. How could he want me after all I put him through...
"I'm serious. When you broke up with me, all I thought about was, I couldn't lose you. I couldn't be without your smile, your blonde hair, your personality. I just needed you in my life."
Such a romantic he is.
"That night when you chased me away, I got a hold of your dad. I wanted him to explain to me what was really happening. Unlike you, he was completely honest with me, telling me you were dying if they couldn't find a new treatment and that you didn't want to go anywhere else for treatment." He paused and then wrote again. After a minute, he flipped the notebook so I could read. "I couldn't let that happen. You met my uncle already. Well, I told you my Grandma had cancer, well her death caused him to be devoted to finding new treatments and saving people."
"Why didn't you tell me about him sooner?" I typed back to him.
"Because our family had a falling out with him years ago. None of my family has spoken with him for so long. But I contacted him, without my family knowing and they're still pissed I did so without their knowledge. They grounded me for a week, taking everything from me and preventing me from contacting you. But it was worth it because I needed to make sure I could do all in my power to save you. If you would not save yourself, I would."
"I didn't need a superman," I typed out to him.
He frowned and shook his head as if he knew me better than I knew myself. He spent a little more time writing the next message. "That is what you don't understand. You did need a superman. You needed someone in your life to make you feel normal, for someone to save you from your boring life. You needed someone to make you feel like a teen girl that wasn't sick."
You hated the fact that you had cancer, you were dying, that you would leave your family alone. And you hated the idea of not spending your life doing what you wanted. And that was why I saved you. Because you wanted to be saved. You didn't ask for it, but you wished it. You wanted to be saved from the life you were living."
I sat there with my mouth open as I let his words sink in. He was right. I couldn't deny that. Somehow, he knew me so well, almost better than myself.
He smiled at me, knowing that I would forgive him. "When can I see you, without having this wall block us?"
I sat there with my mouth open. After all that I said to him, after all I did to him, all the lies and deception, he still wanted to have contact with me. When I broke up with him, I was so sure that I was freeing him, but he never wanted that. What did I do to deserve him? I closed my mouth, overcome by the desire to touch him again. I wanted him here just as much as he looked like he wanted to be in here with me. "I'm hoping tomorrow."
He nodded. "I will see you tomorrow then?"
I nodded at him. I would be waiting.