-October 20, 2012-
It's been a week since my soccer game that Taylor missed.
A whole week where we had barely talked.
I tried my best to keep my distance. She made it hard, but I kept my emotions in check. I talked to her maybe once.
To be honest, it broke my heart. By far the hardest week of my life.
So it's Saturday morning around 9:40 and I just woke up. I was scrolling through my phone when there was a knock at the door. Knowing it was Taylor, I put my phone down and pretended to be asleep.
"I know you're awake Kaitlyn," she said. Her voice was raspy and quiet. "I heard you put your phone down. And you're wearing your glasses already."
I opened my eyes and blinked the water out of them a few times. I had low key cried myself to sleep last night and from the sound of it, so had Taylor. This fight is killing both of us.
"We need to talk," Taylor said. I looked over at her. She was wearing pajama pants and a tank top with an oversized sweater on top. She had her glasses on over her red, puffy eyes. I was sure I looked just as depressing as I sat up and rubbed my eyes. "I'm sorry," she said.
"I know," I said, looking down at my fingers.
"No, you don't," Taylor said. She sat at the end of my bed as I pulled my legs into my body. "I'm awful."
"Don't say that," I said, continuing to look at my feet.
"It's true. I should've been there," Taylor sighed. "I should've remembered."
My lip curled up on one side for half a second before my face returned to a frown. A hot tear slipped my eye and landed on my hand.
"There's nothing I can say," Taylor breathed. "But I'm sorry."
"Me too," I said. I closed my eyes to save the tears, but a few slipped loose. I kept my eyes closed as more and more came out. I felt Taylor move next to me and put her arm around my shoulder. I leaned my head against her and softly cried.
I felt a few hot tears from Taylor dripping onto my head but I ignored them since mine were currently soaking her sweater.
We sat there for all too long until someone rang the doorbell. Taylor wiped her eyes and stood up to answer the door. She came back into the room with Connor trailing behind her. Taylor climbed back into my bed and let me lay my head on her shoulder again.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Why?" I asked.
"This is my fault," he said.
"No it's not Connor, this one's all me," Taylor said sadly yet weirdly forcefully.
"No, it's not. Kaitlyn, Taylor remembered your game, but I told her that we should stay here for a bit longer and we ended up missing the whole game," Connor admitted.
"What?" I asked.
"Yeah," Connor nodded.
"Is this true?" I asked Taylor. She hesitantly nodded her head. "You lied to me?" She nodded again. "Don't just nod, say something!" I said angrily.
"It's true!" She said.
"Why?" I asked, heartbroken.
"I don't know, it was just easier to say that I forgot than to tell you that I remembered-"
"But didn't care enough to show up!" I finished for her.
She sat there in shame with a few stray tears running down her cheeks. I stood up and grabbed a sweatshirt out of my closet.
"Where are you going?" Taylor asked sadly.
"Anywhere but here," I said angrily. I grabbed my phone and my wallet before throwing on some shoes, grabbing my car keys and leaving the apartment.
I walked down to my car and got in. I started driving with no knowledge of where I was going. I found myself at the empty soccer fields of Gaelic Park. I parked my car in the empty lot before grabbing a soccer ball from my backseat and throwing on my sweatshirt. I stepped out into the chilly October air. I walked out, onto the field and threw my ball down on the dew filled grass.
I put my phone and stuff down on the bench and walked into the middle of the field with my ball. I kicked the ball as hard as I could towards the goal and it rebounded off the post. I walked to get the ball and I kicked it into the goal from a closer distance. I retrieved the ball and dribbled down the field towards the other goal. I let my imagination go as I relived the last game.
The score is 2-2, there's thirty seconds left in the game. If we score one more goal, we make it to the next round and we get closer to winning the division 3 tournament.
I dribbled down the field, juking out the defenders who got in my way. I didn't care if I was hogging the ball because my teammates had my back and they blocked defenders left and right. I dribbled all the way to the goal and as the goalie came towards me, I kicked the ball straight into the net and the crowd went wild.
I could hear the faint screams of the crowd as my memory faded and I was once again left alone on an empty soccer field. Only one thing could've made that moment better. Taylor.
"That was one amazing goal last night," someone said, making me jump as I turned around to see him.
"Geez, Toby, you scared me," I said.
"What're you doing here?" He asked.
"Practicing," I lied.
"Kaitlyn. What are you really doing here?" He asked.
"Being anywhere but home," I said, walking to him.
"Why?" He asked.
"You know why," I said.
"Kait, it's been a week," he said, taking the soccer ball out of my hands and tossing it to the ground.
"I know and we got past it today, but then Connor came over and he told me that Taylor did remember-"
"What?" Toby interrupted. We sat on one of the benches at the side of the field.
"She remembered, but he convinced her to wait it out, and she listened and ended up missing it. Then, she lied to me about it and I left," I finished.
"Wow," he said.
"Yeah," I turned my lip up into a closed mouth smile.
"You still shouldn't be here; it's not really safe to be here alone, kicking soccer balls," Toby said.
"I needed a release," I said.
"You could've called me," he said.
"I didn't want to. I really just needed to be alone. To be honest I didn't even know where I was going to go. My brain and my heart just brought me here," I said.
"I understand," Toby smiled.
"Thanks," I said.
"Come on, let's go get some coffee," he said, nudging my shoulder.
"I'm not going anywhere looking like this," I said, gesturing to my messed up, sloppy outfit.
"Come on, we can pick up Starbucks and drink it in your car," he said.
"Why my car?" I asked.
"Because mine's at home, duh," he laughed.
"How'd you get here?" I asked.
"My friend was going to drop me off at home when I saw a familiar red head of hair kicking around a soccer ball. So I said, 'leave me here, I have some business to attend to' and here I am," he explained.
"What if it wasn't me?" I asked.
"Then I'd have been screwed," he laughed. I laughed along with him this time.
"Let's go get some coffee," he said, getting up. He stuck his hand out for me and I gladly took it. I got off the bench and grabbed all of my stuff before heading back to my car. We got in the car and Toby insisted on driving. We drove to Starbucks and when we got there, he got out and went to get us some drinks. He came back out minutes later and I was scrolling through my notifications. I put my phone away and took my pumpkin spice latte from him. We sat there in a loud silence. Neither of us were too sure what to say. I think he was tiptoeing around me because he knew at any moment I would crack.
"So the album drops in two days?" Toby said.
"Yeah," I said, the sinking feeling starting as we talked about Taylor.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked.
"She lied to me Toby," I said, a tear rolling down my face.
"At least she actually did remember," he said, trying to make me feel better.
"That's the worst part; she remembered and still stayed with him," I said, the torrential downpour starting, inside the car and outside.
"I'm sorry," he said.
"Thanks," I half smiled.
"What do you want to do?" He asked.
"Can we just drive?" I asked.
"Yeah," he smiled and nodded.
We drove along the New York streets.
"Why don't we get out of the city?" I suggested.
"Sure," Toby agreed.
We drove out of the city and into the fields of New York. Toby turned on some music as we drove. I laughed at his music choice.
We're gonna have
We're gonna have
We're gonna have a good day
And all my homies gonna ride today
And all these mommies look fly today
And all we wanna do is get by today
Heyyyyy
We're gonna have a good day
And ain't nobody gotta cry today
Cuz ain't nobody gonna die today
You can save that drama for another day
Heyyyy
We're gonna have a good day
Toby sang along with the music which made me laugh. I joined in on his singing and we sang all of the words to Good Day.
"Man, I haven't heard that song in forever," I laughed when the song ended.
"It's the best pick-me-up song ever made," Toby said.
A few more good songs came on and Toby was careful not to let any of Taylor's music play.
So this is what you meant, when you said that you spent, and now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit, right to the top, don't hold back, packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check.
I don't wanna ever let you down, I don't ever wanna leave this town, cause after all, the city never sleeps at night
It's time to begin, isn't it? I get a little bit bigger, but then I'll admit, I'm just the same as I was, oh don't you understand, I'm never changing who I am
Toby and I tapped the familiar beat of the song on the car. We opened the windows and drove along the winding country road. We drove and drove and drove until we found a place far enough away. We talked and messed around until I had forgotten all about this morning.
"Should we turn back?" He asked.
"Sure," I shrugged.
"Okay, well I have no idea where we are so can you use your google maps to get us back to the city?" Toby asked.
"Sure," I laughed. I pulled my phone out and mapped us back to the city. Turns out we had been driving for close to three hours.
I gave Toby directions back into the city. We got back around 7:30 since we had gotten lost a few times. Once we had finally made it into the city, we stopped to get some food. I had found a random pair of leggings in my backseat so while Toby was driving, I sat in the backseat and changed. We stopped to eat at a pizza place. We walked up to the window, but as soon as I looked through the window I stopped.
"Let's go somewhere else," I said.
"Why?" Toby asked, confused by my sudden change of emotions. He followed my line of sight and stopped once he saw what caused my change.
"Okay," he said. We walked down the street to find another restaurant and the person came running out the door.
"Kaitlyn wait!" Taylor said frantically, trying to catch up with us. We were already too far ahead for her to catch up and we just continued walking. We walked to a Chipotle and just decided to eat there. We ordered our food and found a table by the window. We ate quickly and in silence before walking back to my car and driving away. I drove this time and I drove the familiar route to Toby's apartment. I pulled up in front of the building and he turned to me.
"Are you going to be okay at home?" He asked.
"Yeah," I turned my lip up into a small smile.
"If not, just come to my place," he smiled.
"Thanks," I said.
"I had fun today," Toby smiled.
"Me too," I smiled back, thinking about how we had played soccer in the open fields of New York
"I'll see you later," he said, exiting the car.
"Bye," I smiled.
I drove through the city back to the apartment. I parked in the garage and sat in the car. I prepared myself to walk inside before getting out of the car and going up to the apartment. I took a deep breath before opening the door. Luckily, there was no one in the kitchen so I walked to my room quickly before shutting the door. I locked the door and stripped before getting into the shower. I took a warm shower and threw on some sweatpants and a t-shirt. I grabbed my guitar out from under my bed and I decided to play something to try and sing my feelings away. I found a pick and searched my mind for something to play. I found myself resorting to the most relating song right now.
I strummed the opening chords to the song before singing softly.
You should've been there, you should've burst through the door with that 'baby I'm right here' smile and I would've been so happy
Christmas lights glisten, I've got my eye on the door just waiting for you to walk in, but the time is ticking, people ask me how I've been as I comb back through my memory, how you said you'd be here, you said you'd be here
And it was like slow motion, standing there in my party dress, in red lipstick, with no one to impress, and they're all laughing, as I'm looking around the room, but there was one thing missing, and that was the moment I knew
I sang the whole song and managed to keep myself together until the very last line.
You call me later and say 'I'm sorry I didn't make it' and I say 'I'm sorry too' and that was the moment I knew
I put the guitar away and climbed into my bed. It was still early and I knew I wouldn't fall asleep for another couple of hours since my anxiety was eating me up inside. I just laid there thinking until there was a knock on my door. I didn't respond, hoping the locked door would speak for itself.
"Kaitlyn I know you're in there," Taylor said softly. "Can I please come in?"
I still said nothing because I was afraid if I said something, it would not be what I truly wanted to say. Of course, I just want her to come in and wrap her long arms around me and tell me everything is okay, but at the same time, I can't stand to look at her after what she's done.
She opened the door and stepped just inside the doorframe. I continued to just look at the ceiling as she stood there.
"How was your day with Toby?" She finally said something and that was it?
"Good," I said simply.
"Good, I'm glad. You deserve to have someone in your life who is always there for you, even if it isn't me," she said
"That person is supposed to be you," I sighed, sitting up in my bed.
"I know, and I have failed it more times than not, so I think it would be best for you if I surrendered the position," Taylor said, walking over to my bed.
"That's it? You're just going to surrender it? Not try a little harder?" I asked sadly.
"I can't put you through this again," Taylor said, shaking her head.
"No one else can fill that hole," I sighed, looking into Taylor's eyes for the first time this conversation.
"I don't deserve it," she said, sitting on the other side of my bed.
"It's not meant to be easy," I said, "it's supposed to require some work, you just have to be willing to put in the work."
"I thought that you were tired of this?" Taylor questioned.
"I'm tired of you forgetting about me," I said, "but I would miss all the times where you did it right."
"Do you remember when I was on my Fearless tour, and I missed your sweet 16 party because I was in London performing?" Taylor asked.
"Of course, I cried the whole night," I said.
"Yeah, mom called that night and told me that I ruined your birthday. She told me how you hadn't been at the party for very long and that you spent the whole time crying because I wasn't there to make you feel better. She said that you spent the night with Abigail and she told me that Abi was a better sister to you than I was," she said. "So after that show, I yelled at my entire management team and had a complete breakdown in front of Taylor Lautner. I pushed everyone away and cried the whole night. I pushed to have the next show canceled so that I could come home for your birthday. I was forced onto the stage that night and that was the worst show I've ever given. Everyone told me that. My management team had given me so much crap over it and I didn't care. As soon as I was done in London, I packed my bag and got straight on a plane back to Nashville. I got there the next morning and went straight to the house. I knocked on the door and when Mom answered it, she said nothing. No one would say anything to me for that whole day. Until Abi finally talked to me. You know what she said? That I was the world's worst sister. So naturally, I cried the whole night. The next morning, it was Thanksgiving. I wasn't allowed to sit close to you. You sat next to Austin as normal, but Abi had taken my seat on your other side. I was convinced that you wanted Abi to be your sister instead of me. Until that night, you came to me and simply said 'I missed you.' I told you that I missed you too and that I was more than sorry for not showing up to your birthday. You said that it was okay and that you understood and I didn't understand. I waited for you to yell at me and tell me you didn't want me to be your sister anymore, but you did none of that. I cried and you gave me a hug and said that it was okay. That's when I realized, truly realized, 'inside and out you're better than I am.' "
"Do you want to know a secret?" I asked. She nodded. "I heard what Mom said to you on the phone and I thought it was harsh. I hadn't cried because you weren't there, that I understood, but I cried because I wanted to be with you on tour. My dream was to go on tour with you."
"Really?" Taylor asked.
"I liked the whole idea of going around the world and spending a whole year with you," I smiled. "I didn't care about the party or my birthday, all I wanted was more than just a little bit of time with you. In those years, I had only gotten a maximum of a day alone with you."
"Wow," Taylor breathed out.
"That's also why I chose to go to NYU, I wanted to live with you," I said.
"I love you," Taylor said, flinging herself onto me.
"I love you too," I said, returning the hug.