Soubresaut (sew-brah-soh) A sudden leap. With the body straight or bent backwards - from two feet onto two feet with the legs tight together.
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My heart was pounding as my stomach fluttered. I fidgeted nervously. And it wasn't because of turbulence or flight anxiety. It was after seeing Travis with Michelle.
and I'm hating the feeling that I can't say he's mine. I can't tell Mich to back off. I can't tell him how I feel. I can't tell him how much I want to be there for him. I just can't demand for his attention. I hate all of it. The anguish. The frustration. All of it.
Michelle looked good now wearing a black leather pants and a v neck top that showed a little bit of cleavage. Her hair was not down, but was straight and drawn back in a high ponytail this time. She was wearing only some burgundy lipstick and mascara. She looked good. Better than good, she looked sexy.
Michelle and Travis smiled at each other and I felt my heart give a lurch when I looked at them
She was surrounded by our friends all waving and giving her hugs.
They kissed cheeks as they meet. "You are looking great," Michelle said, "What have you been up to?"
"Not much," Liz replied. "Just med school. You?"
They were all talking, laughing and trying to get the best mood for tonight. They were all at ease with her presence except, of course, for Darren. I literally felt sick. There is this knot in my chest and stomach that won't go away.
I felt heat flood into my face as Travis' eyes laid upon my way. I'd been watching him -- no doubt he'd been watching me too despite that Mich was all over him. It was no use denying what was patently true. His gaze met mine, his brown eyes soft.
I held Darren's hand tight trying so hard I could feel it pulsate against my own skin. His hand was larger than my own and rough to the touch. I felt him squeezed my hand and felt nothing but warmth radiating from his fingers.
He tipped his head to one side and regarded me a look. The next thing I know, he reached out a hand and touched one of my natural silky hair. I lifted a self-conscious hand to my head, wishing now that I'd taken the extra time to tame it into a ponytail or bun or something. "You're prettier"
"When you say that way ..you know you remind me of–" I cut myself off when I realized where my train of thought had taken me. Travis, that's what I'd been about to say. He opened his mouth to respond but couldn't make a sound. How Darren could read up too much on my face? I don't know but I'm glad he's here
I tried to stay strong but every time I am alone Travis and Michelle's in a heated embrace creep back into my mind. I can't escape him. I just wish I knew how to handle this all. How to be stronger. How to smile again without it being obvious I am hurt.
A single thought raced through my mind. They say you should capture the moment, but little do they know .. when you replace a picture, the memories go with it. There's that feeling again, creeping up on me as I touched a fingertip to my lips.
I guess that I have been replaced.....
"Nikki? Hello?"
"Hmm? sorry" I said as I tore my eyes away from Travis and regarded Elaine a look. I try to remain engaged in conversation but find it close to impossible; I know that Travis spotted me and he knows I know, yet pretends and plays off like he hasn't seen me, and I in turn do the same. A game we play, who wants the other more, and who's willing to risk.
"Are you all right?" Elaine watched where my eyes has lingered, then turned back toward my way.
"I'm fine," I whispered, afraid that if I spoke any louder, I'd forget it all again. "I think I just...I'm uncomfortable"
Elaine grinned and nodded as she patted my leg. "That was how I felt years back. It's weird having Michelle around but you'll get used to it." I shrugged to cover up my own discomfort. This was definitely not the time or place to be starting this sort of conversation. I hadn't even adjusted to the last time things had gone down this path.
"Besides, Darren's always there oh" She glanced up at Darren and smiled.
"Adrian's being master drunkard again. Flip, Sip or Strip daw sabe niya. Remember that?"
It was a game we used to do back in high school where you Flip a coin and while it is in the air, call heads or tails. If a player guess it right, the player should pass the coin to his right. Otherwise (if wrong), The player should pass the coin to his left and would pay the consequence, either take one article of his clothing-- anything that is a pair counts as one item or take a shot.
If the player guess right three times in a row, he may retrieve an article of clothing and put it back on. The coin is then passed to his right.
There was a pause and I realized Elaine was still waiting for me to accept her invitation. "Well," I heard myself say, not quite believing that it was me saying the words. "I don't mind. It would be nice"
I pulled a face as I stared at Darren beside me "Sali ka, Darren"
Elaine gave an earnest nod and I laughed, bumped her hip - or rather, the muscle below her hip - with mine. We walked straight to the living room where a loft that overlooked the sea and I knew pool tables filled the loft area.
It was quieter up there, allowing for more conversation or game playing. There was even the old fire pole in place near the balcony. Around the open space were tall tables, chairs and stools lining a half bar along another wall.
"Oh.. Walang KJ okay?"
"Lakas ng apog natin ah? Last time I checked, you always ended up wasted" Adrian hollered over Dennis. Ted, who sat next to Elaine raised his eyebrows at Dennis and smirked. I, on the other hand, had to laugh at that.
Dennis glared at Adrian for a minute before grunting and pushing himself up from the couch. He sat across Tippy as he snorted "That was years ago, Dude." Dennis' tone was dry but not annoyed. "Get it over your head"
Liz rolled her eyes but couldn't keep from smiling but her face fell the moment her eyes met Darren's. She looked down with a blush. When she looked back up, Darren was still looking at her while leaning close to me again.
"Whatever you say" Adrian shrugged and then pulled a dime on his palm.
"You brought all these on your own?" Ted uttered in disbelief as he gestured to the drink on our table. The brown rattan-glass coffee table was filled with expensive drinks and flutes. Dalmore 62,Legacy by Angostura and Vielle Bon Secours ale, Adrian's favorite Belgian beer.
Adrian just shrugged his shoulder and then turn to everyone with a smile "Who's in?"
"We're in" It was Michelle
As she said this, I noticed some of the light fade from my perpetually sunny face. The words threw me and I didn't have a ready response. I tried to be tame with my reaction because I could feel them sending me a look I couldn't even return.
"Mich" Something in his tone stirred something inside of me. Travis warning mattered little to Michelle, as she ignored his protests and continued shellacking Travis to the living room.
"Travis" She said mimicking the same tone Travis used on her. She tugged her arms around Travis' bicep as she dragged him "It's not every night we could have this sort of fun." She pouted "Come on"
I swallowed hard and shifted nervously in my seat
"Travis! Let's join the fun!" Michelle whined. It took every ounce of self control that I had not to start gagging at her desperation.
"Mich, I really don't want to."
She stuck her bottom lip out. "Travis Please?"
I glanced at Travis, sensing his discomfort. He sighed and stepped onto the floor.
I shook my head, confused by his actions, unsettled by his nearness. The whole time, I felt Travis' gazes as he sat down next to Michelle--- just across Darren. The evening thus far had been a disaster. There seemed little point in hoping that it might actually get better especially now that alcohol's in the table
I fingered the metal clasp of my bracelet and felt awkward as I waited. At first, there'd been some awkwardness over breathing in the vicinity. Then the awkwardness had passed and it had just become part of a routine.
"I call the shots here so let's get started"
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Flip
Sip
Strip
Hours. Minutes .. perhaps too many drinks had been passed to tell. The drinks flowed freely and in no time the living room was a cacophony of voices and clinking glassware.
Another laugh, one that sent tingles from my head to my toes, and into every space in between. at the heat of the game, I'm trapped with the same question for the nth time.
"So what's gonna be, Nikki? Sip or strip?" Darren cocked his head to one side as he studied me, the smile playing around his full lips.
"Sip" I lost count on neither how many shots I've taken nor how many times I answered the same thing. We've been on the game for the last three hours.
"Here's your drink." Adrian handed me a highball glass filled with dark liquid. I eyed the drink suspiciously, distracted from the tingling feeling. It smelled like cider and orange juice, but less nasty than that sounds.
"Drink it up, Nikki" He held up his right hand, clutching a bottle of Vielle Bon Secours ale.
I quirked an eyebrow at him. "Impatient much?"
The thought made me smile. Then my eyes landed to Travis this time. He smiled in response and I sucked in a sharp breath when Michelle shifted closer.
Adrian grinned and lifted the drink to my lips. As I threw it back, My eyes stayed up as I swallowed the tart alcoholic drink. The taste is very similar but with less a focus on citrus and a stronger focus on a saccharin like sweetness. It was light and sweet with very little bite or dryness and a bit of foamy carbonation.
Then Elaine noticed me and gave me a wide grin. "Wow, tibay!"
Darren leaned forward, resting his elbows at the back of the sofa we were sitting on
"Go Ate Nikki!"
"Yeah." I made a face. In truth, I hadn't even tasted it. I smacked my lips together and ran my tongue over my bottom lip, trying to taste the remnants but it was already gone. I must have looked disappointed because everyone laughed and lifted the glass from my hand.
"Wait, I should turn on the stereo para naman hindi boring" It was Liz who said with a drunk smile completely littering on her face. She was oblivious to Darren who was gazing at her with such eye
I watched Liz went out of the room and shook my head with a smile. I turned only to see Darren following Liz after a while. Then we heard beat coming from the stereo. It was infectious and I started to sway my hips in time with the music. It had been so long since I felt light-headed that I didn't recognize the music.
Dance music was always fundamentally the same; deep bass, even beats and soaring vocals or high-pitched synthesized noise.
It was now Travis' turn this time. He chose Heads when the coin appeared tails.
"Strip" He said without shame. Warm familiarity washed over me. I felt him chuckle and smiled at the just looking at my way. He tugged his shirt over his head and right there and then, the cuts, ripples and rope of muscles flashed right in front of my eyes. I may not react as I longed to, but I was still a woman and I could appreciate Travis' essential maleness.
Another breath.
In.
Out.
A heartbeat, slower this time. That dangerous smile spread across his lips and I felt the pulse deep in my gut. Oh, how many women have fallen prey to that physique? I wondered and tightened my grip on to the throw pillow on my lap.
"Show off!" Ted chuckled and shook his head.
"Now where were we?" Elaine tapped her chin with a finger as she considered.
Dennis smile turned wicked and he chuckled. "It's your turn now, Nikki. Head or Tail?"
"Tail" I was glad when my voice didn't crack.
It was the same sort of minutes that somehow unsettled me. Instead of feeling hot, and feeling sweat trail down my back, I felt my chest squeeze. Time seem to slow when the coin was in the air. I tried to draw in air and couldn't. It brought the memory of my dream back in a rush and I paled, but panic never rose in my throat.
Just as suddenly as the feeling had come, it was gone. Air rushed into my lungs and I made a choking noise as I resumed breathing.
"Uh-oh, It's Head, Nik.. Sip or Strip?"
As Travis' eyes slid over the contours of my face, I found myself smirking at him "Strip" I said, my voice sounding huskier to my ear. Surely, Alcohol's taking my whole system into an overdrive
However, the tingling sensation as his eyes bore to me was intense and I felt sweat bead between my shoulder blades. It made me nervous, this sensation, and the sweat. His eyes were intent on mine and I looked back and forth between his shimmering brown irises.
He cocked his head to one side, his eyes at last moving away from mine. I sucked in a breath, unaware until then that I hadn't been breathing. The sensation at my spine was no longer contained.
I started to lift tight red top over my head as his eyes moved from mine, looking up at my hair again, all along the contours of my face and down to the revealing neckline of my forgotten top. I felt a bead of sweat trickle from my hairline to my chin.
I shook my hair loose, ignoring the pins falling like rain against my shoulders.
Dennis groaned and covered his eyes with one hand.
"You did not just do that!" Elaine gasped in mock indignation. "Bad Bad girl Nikki!" Elaine squealed with laughter. Tippy covered her smile with a hand and kept watching me.
"Next!" Ted tapped his chin with one finger and Elaine wrinkled her nose at him before she grinned in delight. "You're next"
I looked over at Elaine and Ted and sighed. Ted laughed and reached out to touch Elaine's hand. I wanted what they had and I could see it in their every day actions. Ted grabbed Elaine and rubbed his scratchy face over her neck. Elaine squealed in protest and giggled softly. Those two truly loved each other. What amazed me was that the two of them acted at their age like horny teenagers at times.
Adrian threw his head back and laughed soundlessly.
I shook my head and started joining their sick joke. Laughter and shouting rang through out the room as each of my friends was high with booze. I watched from the corner of my eyes how everyone was at loose but, out of the corner, Tippy sighed and began to rub her eyes. It's obviously bed time for her
Tendrils of hair framed my face and I knew I was flushed. "Wait. Bathroom break lang"
As I stood up , I felt the world was spinning as bile rose to my throat. I felt my head weigh ten times heavier. By then, I couldn't even differentiate my toes from the tile. They were getting bigger as each tick and I found myself almost kissing the floor
but just in time, someone caught me by the arm and helped me straighten. I looked up and found it was Travis. Under normal circumstances, I would get myself up but I was too surprised to manage it now. "Thank you."
Travis helped me up to my feet and kept his arms around me.
"Okay ka lang?"
I didn't know what to say at first. This concern was at odds. I didn't know why, but he was suddenly worried and when I almost kiss the floor, he'd rushed to grab me by the arm. When I collapsed in his arms, I swore that he must've felt my heartbeat
I nodded, trapped by his deep brown eyes. Heart pounding. Palms sweating. My breathing is heavy.
"Are you sure?"
"I—I'm o-okay" I felt the heat creep up my neck with Travis proximity but I have to fight the urge to whimper on his touch.
He shook his head and reached for my hand. I let him take it, savoring the warmth that spread through my entire body from that one point of contact. The moment was broken when Michelle reappeared blocking our way
"Trav" Michelle called out "Let's crash on our room. I'm beat"
"Go ahead. Sunod lang ako"
Michelle rolled her eyes and crossed her arms over her chest. "Let Adrian and the rest take care of Monique"
Travis hand tightened on mine and I was drawn back from Michelle's gazes back to Travis. "Monique needs me"
She scoffed and flicked her hair over her shoulder. "Are you choosing her over me?"
"Don't even start about that, Michelle. Believe me, you wouldn't like the answer to that"
Michelle pursed her lips as I dropped my eyes but she didn't speak anything further. A moment of silence settled. She must've been too tired or drunk to argue. She just stormed out of the way without even looking back
I blinked, surprised but I didn't pull away. He sighed, more of his scent washing over me. I shuddered and closed my eyes, savoring it. It was tangy, acidic instead of spicy.
As soon as I was balanced I yanked my arm away, but he stopped me with a hand on my shoulder, coming around to stand in front of me
"You should go back to Mich, Trav" I was surprised that I was able to speak around the sudden dryness in my mouth.
"You need me more" I winced at his words and looked away. I couldn't take this casual conversation anymore.
"I don't" My voice trembled. I couldn't see him, but I could feel his body tense. I didn't want this; I didn't want to say this. But it had to be done.
"You might deny it but you do" His words were firm yet it stirred something deep inside of me. I wanted to turn into his arms and the hurt on his face to see if it was affecting him at all.
I shook my head and sidestepped out of his reach. "No. I'm fine, Trav. I'm nauseated a bit but I could still walk on my own" I gave him a weak smile and then disappeared out the door.
I found the bathroom downstairs and carefully avoided looking at my reflection in the mirror.For a long minute, I stood with my back pressed to the bathroom door. I covered my face with my hands, hating my weakness and cursing how easily my knees and heart would give in
How lame is that? I shook my head with a rueful smile before I managed to puke my gut on the sink. It was the longest agonizing minutes of my life. I checked my elbow and side from my fall and saw a couple bruises forming, but nothing alarming.
After pulling my tangled hair back into a knot and quickly rinsing my face off I sat down on the closed toilet for a moment to think. The pounding of my heart was so loud in my ears she had the irrational fear of someone hearing it near vicinity
All through the rest of the night, my mind was torn in two directions. I knew I should be giving all my concentration to Darren's plan but I couldn't stop picturing Travis' face. Then my mind would turn to the way he'd looked at me awhile ago and how his skin brushed mine.
After gathering all my wits back, I tied my thick raven hair and left my face half-damp.
I suddenly felt thirsty so I walked back into the living room only to find it almost deserted, No one was there anymore except for Tippy whose head was on Adrian's lap as both of them doze off. I couldn't help but smile at the sight behold and I glanced at the clock on the wall, wondering if anyone would still be up at this hour.
I stopped just out in the hallway to the kitchen and drew in a deep breath.
You have to stop being so sensitive, I told myself. It was a familiar mantra, one I went through time and again. I decided to listen to my inner voice and ignored the erratic patter of my heart.
As the cold air touched my face, it quickly sent chills down my spine and Goosebumps rose along my back. I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath. Great, more spine-tingling chills. I found Travis wrapped around Michelle's embrace.
They stood there for a long quiet moment, Travis' head still resting against her temple as Michelle held him and placed tender kisses along his neck and jaw. Mich pressed deeply against Travis. The one thing that surprised me was how Michelle actually appeared and attempted for close-quarter affection on to Travis' lips but he turned away
She stared at him with an odd expression on her face before she spoke. "It's still her isn't it?"
"Listen--it's not what you think--"
"It's not what I think?" A snort of sarcastic laughter burst from Michelle's throat. "I've had a lot of time to think. And I can see that this is going no where. I'm tired. I don't think it's worth it anymore. You haven't even given me the slimmest glimmer of hope that we might end up taking it to the next level. How long will this go on? "
"Cut the crap, Michelle. You're drunk. Wala ako sa mood" He asked quietly, searching her eyes.
Her eyes flashed immediate suspicion as they intently searched his face. "Stop denying it! If you can't find that 'mood' again in anyone, then maybe that's because you haven't let go of someone in the past yet. "
Regarding her a look one can't simply depict, I watched how Travis scowled. He began to rub his face and sighed "Mich, Pwede ba? Paulit ulit na lang 'tong drama natin."
"Hindi to drama, Travis. Looking back, ako lang pala yung nag-eeffort palagi sa buong relasyon natin. Not once have you replied to my letters, even showed the gratitude for the countless presents. I know, it's the thought that counts but you have failed to even show any possible appreciation or recognition. I may be a masochist but I'm not dumb. Ramdam ko kahit hindi mo sabihin. I feel it, Trav and it's been going on kahit noong hindi pa siya bumalik. "
While Michelle seemed waging an internal struggle for the right words, Travis broke the silence. "Don't be delusional. Okay naman tayo, Mich di'ba?"
I watched as Michelle's eyes almost glowed with rage as she spat, "I don't know, Trav. You tell me. Kasi ako akala ko din okay tayo. I love you akala ko finally ganon ka rin." Travis caught her and pulled her tightly to himself but just before he could, Michelle pushed him away.
"I guess that's me being selfish and assuming. I shouldn't have expected anything.Ang tagal kong naghintay but I always have this sense that I'm still sharing you with your ex. I'm sick of this. I'm sick of always wondering if the only reason you're with me is because she crushed your pride and taking her back is a huge bruise to your ego." She snuffled while Travis looked in her eyes and could, by then I could tell, he could see the mixture of emotions there but Travis was good at this thing, He didn't say anything else.
"I feel like I'm oblige to hate her without knowing her, because the fact that she exists in your life is proof that I was never good enough.I know that she will always be someone important in your life and that makes me really sad but I'm sick of always feeling like I'm competing with another girl and no matter what I do she'll always come out the winner, that you'll never even give me the chance to try and fight fair because in your heart, Siya pa rin. Si Monique pa rin yung andyan"
Travis took a tentative step toward his girlfriend and then paused. "Labas dito si Monique, Mich. Stop dragging people on this. Stop being insecure!"
"Then stop making me feel insecure, Trav!" Now, Michelle was outright crying and I could see her whole body now was trembling "Sorry if I'm shallow and insecure but it's the way you say her name, the way you recount and the way you regard her presence. Sometimes, no matter what I do- anything to make you happy, hindi ko parin magawa. Bakit?"
She harshly wipe her own tears away and started to pull a smile that didn't even reach her eyes "Simple lang naman, Hindi ako yung kailangan. Hindi ako yung may ari nyan" Mich finished her speech as she dropped her head. Her shoulders sank and she stood like a ragdoll, limp and almost lifeless
Finally, the Michelle's words come to Travis as he steps into an embrace. Taking Michelle into his arms, he pulled her to him gently, reaching down and lightly gripping her chin to turn her tear-stained face up to his.
"I'm.. I—I'm in love with.. with you okay?"
The physical pain I felt in my stomach and the ache in my bones and the punch right through my heart when I heard those words. I suddenly wished I was someplace, anyplace else. I shouldn't be here—shouldn't be witnessing this private moment.
But my legs refused to walk away. Michelle was quiet for a few moments before finally saying, "No, Trav. You've confused 'being in love' and 'just caring'. You only care for me, Trav but it's still her no matter how much you deny"
Travis opened his mouth to speak but Michelle pushed on. "See? I guess if we started off differently or at a different time, then things would have turned out differently." For that long moment, Travis refused to look at his now trembling girlfriend. He looked at his feet instead; He reached for her hand, but quickly snapped his back like an angry crocodile after missing its prey.
I didn't even realize I was holding on to my breath the whole time until Travis spoke "I'm sorry, Michelle."
Crying harder than ever now, Michelle quickly shook her head but despite all, she smiled at his dejected tone. He laid his hand on her cheek--- wiping those tears away. I watched from afar how she shut her eyes and leaned her cheek into his hand.
Travis opened his mouth in another attempt to release words, but Mich stopped him with a brief kiss. "You've been nice to me Trav but in a love triangle someone's heart is bound to be broken even if it's unintentional. Thanks for sticking out with me this long
...............but I'm letting you go now. "
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(Tonguetiedbabe : I know I promised you guys, once it's summer.. I'll beat you guys with bazillions of updates but lately, I've been on my own comfort zone so much. (AKA reader mode) and I can't bring myself to type for an update. Everytime I do so, I'm always not satisfied with the outcome.
But anyway, Here it is!)