Chapter Twenty-Four – I Just Don't Know
Bailey's Pov
I walked out of his room a week ago, and besides him showing up a few hours later I haven't heard anything since. He hasn't been coming out of his room so I don't know how to feel.
Was he upset? How was he doing? Was he avoiding me?
I didn't know if I had pushed him away for good now. With spending so much time apart does he even still want to be around me or did he realize that he didn't give a damn anymore?
I've been trying not to obsess over it all this week and spent a bunch of time with Lacey. With it just being her and I we talked so much more and we got to really know each other.
I told her about Drew, well that he existed. I didn't go into detail about him. She told me about her two older brothers and little sister and she had no problem talking about her family. It sounded like they were such nice people.
Her parents have been married twenty five years and they came to visit her every weekend, sometimes her siblings would come to see her too, when they could.
Her face would light up when she would talk about them; it was a happiness that you usually wouldn't see in here and one I envied. I wished I was as close with my family as she seemed to be with hers. They accepted her mistake and were trying to help her as much as they could.
She was so open about everything. I knew that I would miss her so much when she got out of here; I knew it wouldn't be too long now. She was almost to acceptance, and she would do great outside of here with the help of her family.
She kept assuring me that we would keep in touch and that she would always be there for me, and I believed her. Lacey was the sister to me that I never had and the best friend I always wanted.
She was so understanding and patient with me, and even though I knew she was a total lesbian it didn't bother me at all. I respected her choice and was proud that she wasn't afraid of that.
Since I was having trouble with everything Lacey would come and bring me food and curl up In bed with me at night. We would watch movies and play silly games all night. She was particularly good at rummy, which she was currently kicking my ass in, again.
"Do you think it's stupid of me to have feelings for him?" I asked her, we've been avoiding the topic that is him for almost a week.
"No I don't. You two understand each other. It makes a strong bond."
"I just worry I can't be enough for him to make it work past in here, so if it can't work what's the point in it, you know?" I didn't want to get attached for him to leave and never talk to me again, it would help now but hurt later, and I wasn't prepared or willing to go through that hurt right now.
"Maybe that's something you need to talk to him about, but I don't think that he'll just cut you out when he leaves. You don't even see the way he looks at you." she smiled at me and I looked at her curiously.
"What do you mean?" I set down a run of fives and she smirked, I didn't like that look. Either it had to do with him or I was about to lose, again.
"I mean he looks at you like you're the light in the darkness. In here people get dark and he was as shut off as they get, but with you he smiles and laughs and talks. You're like his personal ray of sunshine." She teased in a funny accent. And then she went out. Damn her!
She smirked in satisfaction, but she didn't have a drop card so I had one more chance! At least I could get rid of one of my aces. I picked one up and nearly jumped up to do a victory dance and then put down three aces.
"You lucky hoe!" she yelled with a smile on her face, I added a couple cards to the ones she put down and dropped one. I didn't go out, but I beat her in points this round, which was the first time ever! I was pretty satisfied with myself and knew it would pretty much never happen again.
"Yeah, well don't worry, I won't let it get to my head or get used to It." she grabbed all the cards and shuffled them before I cut the deck and she dealt the cards again.
"Good girl! I don't even need to tell you." she smiled and then proceeded to kick my ass the next three hands and beat me five hundred and thirty points to four hundred and seventeen on my part. I liked go fish more.
"I think you should talk to him." she said as soon as she put the cards aside and flopped back down on my bed, making herself right at home over on my side of the room.
"I don't think he wants to talk to me." I sighed
"Why not?" she asked and I shrugged
"I pushed him out of the room and haven't talked to him. Why would he?" I was feeling bad about that now. I missed spending time with him, I haven't even gone to the gym because, well I hate working out alone and Lacey looked at her like I was asking her to learn Japanese when I asked if she would go with me.
"He's the one who fucked up there, you don't get to sit there and feel like this is your fault. He knows he screwed up and maybe he's just afraid to try to talk to you again, maybe he needs some time. You two will work things out." She said confidently
"I don't know about that." I rested my hands on my stomach and looked up at the ceiling.
"Do you want to talk about your nightmares?" she asked and I sucked in a breath. I didn't tell her about them she just knew just like Julian did. I didn't like to talk about them though. Maybe it would help to talk about it and if I don't want to finish I know she won't push me too.
"I thought Macy was my best friend, she's the one who got me hooked on heroin and I went to a party with her and didn't have money for it, she told him I would get him later, I didn't realize what she was implying at the time. I didn't ever deal with major dealers until then, just some kids who dealt pot and pills out of our high school." I started off.
"And you didn't realize what you were getting yourself into." She said and I nodded.
"I didn't realize how they would be, I wasn't feeling too good and I went home because I couldn't find her. Well a couple days later I ran into him and he tried to collect on things. His gross hands were all over me and I remember his slobbery lips on my neck as I tried to push him away. He said he liked when a girl put up a fight. I was screaming and crying for him to stop and someone else who was buying had the heart still to help me before it went too far, I tossed the money at him and never bought from him again."
"How far did it go?" she asked
"He had my clothes almost all off, and my nightmares all end up with my relapsing and doing anything for drugs and him finishing what he started. I haven't owned anyone since, until now. I own Macy a lot of money I'm guessing for her bring it to me when I was in the hospital and I'm not looking forward to that."
"Just don't let her suck you back in. do what you need to for her to go away and cut all ties. Delete and block numbers, anything you need to do to get that away from you. Hell, move states if you need to. It's not worth getting back in." she told me sternly
"I never want to go through all of this again. I just want to figure my life out and I have no idea what I'm going to so with myself." I turned to face her when I felt her do the same
"None of us know what's going to happen. It's easy in here to say all of that, that you're not going back and you won't be tempted but once an addict always an addict. People can break the addiction but in the back of your head it's always there."
"The cravings for it." I sighed
"Will dull but never go away. We need to be so much more careful with everything, like pain medication too if you get hurt. Give it to your parents or a none addict friend to hold onto for you if you need them too, It helps with temptation."
"Did you relapse that way?" I asked and she nodded
"Yeah, I broke my arm and I took one and then a bunch and then I remembered the feeling I had with Heroin and I was back to it. I went to a different place, I was there a month while they flushed my system and stuff, and it was nothing like this. This place is so much better and if you can afford it, it's worth it. going through it the hard way helps and people actually care here. I was out for only a few weeks when I fully relapsed." She shared with me.
I wished I could be just that open and I could only hope that when I get through things better that I'll be able to open up and deal with it. I don't think they really let you get released if you haven't because If you don't deal with your problems it makes you more likely to relapse.
"You know, I've never had a friend like you; someone to care and help me through all of this."
"Well you help me too. I may look and put off that I'm completely put together but I'm not. We all have our problems and demons. Just because I'm open about mine and can talk about them doesn't mean that it doesn't make me feel upset or regret it all." her smile wasn't on her face and she was showing me the person she was behind her smile.
"Well if you want to talk about anything in particular you know I'm here." I grabbed her hand and she smiled a real smile at me. By now I've learned to tell the difference between her smiles. She had her real one which is like when she talks about her family, her eyes brighten and the mood around you lightens. She has her fake one that says she's really not okay and needs a friend and then her other fake one that's a little brighter that doesn't make you feel all happy from being around her, it means she doesn't want to talk about it or will talk when she's ready.
All the time I spent with her made me feel connected to her too. We're close in age, share the same addiction and she helps me through all the feelings she had to go through alone.
Until recently I didn't realize how lucky I was. I try to push away how I got here and I feel just so relieved that I have people to help me, people who understand that I need a friend and know when to back off. Bailey and Julian just seem to know all my emotions without me saying a word.
They had to go through this all on their own and I'm so lucky that I don't have to or I would be so lost right now.
"Just talk to him." she touched my arm and I sighed
"I'll think about it."
"I have therapy and I'm going to the drawing room, find him and talk to him before I get back." she slapped my arm in a playful manner and hopped off my bed to leave.
"Are you bringing back food?" I asked
"No, I'm making you actually get up today, no more moping around." She didn't even look back as she walked out of the room.
I curled up harder into my covers and I could smell her perfume lingering and it was a reminder of her words to me.
I didn't know what to say to him, I don't even know if he'll let me in or talk to me. I have no idea how he's been feeling and I don't know if I should go to him or if he should come to me.
I had about two hours to figure it out before Lacey would be coming back and I spent a good fifty of them obsessing on what to do.
"Bailey." I jumped and yelled in surprise when I heard my name being called and I knew it wasn't Lacey. I looked over at Julian and my heart sunk.
His eyes were puffy and red and I could still see the wetness on his face. he looked broken and I knew something had to be seriously wrong if he was out of his room looking like this. He wouldn't even cry if he was in my room with me in case Lacey came in and saw.
He only did that in the privacy of his room and he walked through the halls and past people to be here, so I knew this was important. Without needing to say anything else I lifted the covers for him and he came right over and slid in them.
I didn't protest when he instantly pulled my body against him and buried his face in my neck. I wrapped my arms around him and ran my hands through his hair, letting him get comfortable and decide if he wanted to talk.
I waited fifteen minutes before I addressed him
"What's wrong?" I asked and he pulled back to look at me and he just shook his head sadly but I saw a brief flash of relief in his eyes.
"My dad's dead." He whispered and I almost didn't catch it or understand what he was really saying.
"Dead? How?" I asked. I felt torn between telling him I'm sorry and that I'm here to help and wondering if deep down he was relieved by it. I know how much he worried about his mother by the little bit he told me.
I know it sounds cold to maybe feel relief about it, but from what I understand his father is a terrible person. He beat his kids, raped his daughter and drove her to kill herself.
"My mom found out about Sara and confronted him. He attacked her and threatened her with a gun and she fought back. She shot him twice." I had absolutely no idea what to say to that, none at all.
"Tell me how you're feeling about it." was the only thing I could think to ask. I don't know how ti should react to any of this and I was hoping that it would give me some insight on how to act if he did tell me his feelings on all of this, though I doubt that he really knows just what he's really feeling.
And dad is dead, you'll understand more why i did this as the chapter go on.