Look out for the lovely song I picked out! Keep an eye out for a <>!
Darla H
"Hello?!" I shouted into the empty white that was around me. "Is anyone there?" I yelled out and waited for a response, but there was nothing. I walked for what felt like hours, hoping that I would come across something, but it was all white for infinite space.
"Please can someone hear me?" I begged for some kind of help. I did not know what this place was. But I had a feeling that this was going to be my life forever now, just empty whiteness, with nothing to do and no one around. It reminded me of my life, it amounted to nothing. I made nothing significant and now life was done. I didn't get a reshot, but that was the funny thing about life, was that we all had one chance to make something beautiful and as I sat down on the ground, I knew for a fact that I wasted mine.
"Didn't you want to be alone?" a voice finally rang out that I recognized. I looked around, but I couldn't see where the voice came from. I was still alone and now I was loosing my mind.
"No, it's not like that," I pouted at my feet, distraught that I was talking to myself.
"Oh, I thought you wanted to be alone. After all, you tried to push everyone away," the voice rang out again.
I shook my head at the ground, not caring whether or not this conversation was in my mind. This was better than being alone. But the voice got it all wrong. I was protecting them. I didn't like it, but it was better this way, so they wouldn't hurt when I died. "Where am I?"
<>
"You're in the lovely in between," a girl that I hadn't seen in a while said as she appeared in front of me.
I looked up at Anna who had her long brown hair perfectly straight with a glow to her skin that showing against her all white outfit she wore. She smiled at me and somehow her smile seemed to catch the light and sparkle as she walked towards me.
Word flew from my mind as I quickly got up from the ground. I had to be dreaming all of this.
"It is a pleasure to see you again, Clare," she said to me as she brought me into a hug that was so tight I couldn't breathe.
I was too in shock to hug her back, confused about what was happening, and why was she here. If she was dead, wouldn't she have been in a better place than just this whiteness?
Anna brought me out of the hug and straightened out her white dress. "Oh forgive me, you must be confused. Would you care to walk with me? I have a few things to say." She said and with a wave from her hand, the whiteness suddenly turned into a green field with apple trees on either side of us.
I felt the sun beat against my head and heard birds chirped around us. I wanted to ask her a million questions about how we got here, but I figured this was not the time. Quickly, I remembered how Anna said she worked on an apple farm in the summer, and I wondered if it was this.
A butterfly landed on my shoulder, and I couldn't hold back my questions any longer. I had to know how we got here. "How was that possible?" I asked, unable to hold the shock from my voice as the scenery changed before my eyes.
Anna walked over to a tree and picked a rosy pink apple. She rubbed it on her dress and took a bite out of it so casually, as if this was nothing special. "That's beside the point. We have a few important things to talk about, and I don't have forever," Anna said as her white dress changed into a white button-down and a pair of jean shorts. "There, must less dramatic," she said and smiled at me.
"How can this be any less dramatic?" I asked in disbelief. As happy as I was that Anna was here, she seemed different. She seemed grown-up, maybe more serious than when I saw her last.
Saying nothing back to me, she grabbed my hand and led me to a bench under a tree. "You have a big choice to make, Clare," she said with a seriousness that I have never heard from her before.
Her tone set me on edge a little. Why was all of this so important to her? "What do you mean?"
"Think Clare," she said with a small smile, a hint of playfulness in her voice, reminding me of the old Anna that was my best friend.
I thought for a second as a warm breeze ruffled the trees. None of this was possible. This was not real, but was this really a dream? There was something that was so different about all of this, hinting that this was real. "I'm dead."
She raised her eyebrows at me as if I was on the right path, then smiled. "If you want to be, you can."
I held up a finger to her, not quiet she sure what she was hinting at. "Wait, you're saying I can pick?" I asked, not knowing that I had the luxury to do that. I thought the hands were dealt, and the game was over, I thought my life was over, the lack of life I had just fading into nothing. But now Anna was beside me, saying there was a choice?
She shrugged and took another bite of her apple. "Man, this apple's good. Want one?" she asked, but I simply shook my head at her. "This is your life to pick. I'm just a mediator."
"I was going to die. I had cancer. It was killing me," I explained to Anna, but she already knew the facts.
She laughed at me but it sounded like wind chimes. And suddenly I felt a little embarrassed that I was maybe asking her the wrong questions. She waved her hand again, changing the scene of where we were at. My gray shoes vanished, replaced by my bare feet that stood still on the cold ground.
I looked down a long wide hall and the smell of cleaners filled my nose. The hospital was something that I knew all too well and I wondered why we were here. "Come on Clare, I want to show you something," Anna said as she stepped in front of me. She held out her hand and I took it without question.
We walked through the halls until I saw my parents, and Peter, sitting down with Doctor Patel, and another man that I didn't know.
Relief flooded over me as I knew everything would be ok as soon as I was with them. "Mom! Dad! Peter!" I ran up to them but they didn't flinch. I waved at them but they didn't seem to notice that I was right in front of them.
"They can't hear or see you," Anna said calmly as she looked at them. She smiled lightly and then added, "I think Peter has gotten cuter."
I nodded. She wasn't wrong about that statement. He had, but this was not the time to notice his looks. I stopped when my mom spoke up, changing my attention to everyone at the table again.
"So, you're saying there's hope?" mom asked Doctor Patel.
He nodded, with a hint of excitement shining in his eyes that I hadn't seen in a long time. "Clare's taking well to this new treatment. We're really seeing improvement this time. When she came in with Peter a week ago, I didn't think that she had more than a few days left. However ever since we started this new treatment four days ago, she's making positive changes."
I felt a lump in my stomach as his words sank in. A week ago? four days ago for a new treatment? I have been already asleep for a week?
My mom started to cry, and dad hugged her tightly as they looked just as excited as doctor Patel.
"So what's the next step, uncle?" Peter asked the other doctor who I didn't know.
At that moment, the scene changed again. I wanted to shout as her, wanting to stay and hear more of the conversation, but my attention chanced when I felt my legs in ankle-deep in warm clear green-blue water. I looked out at the water that seemed to extend forever without touching land. The smell of salt filled my nose and I could feel the heat of the sun on my face. This was the summer that I wanted, on a trip, to the ocean.
"I have never been to the ocean before," I explained to Anna. "It's beautiful," I said as I reached down and dipped my hand into the water. "Anna, who was that other man with my parents and doctor Patel. And why was Peter calling him uncle?"
Anna had this look to her as if she wanted to tell me, but something was preventing her from doing so. "Some things you just have to figure out on your own, Clare."
I didn't like all this cryptic information, but I knew maybe she may not have the right or ability say much to me. I knew that I shouldn't get frustrated, but wanted someone to tell me the truth. I didn't protest my thoughts, feeling that if I did, it wouldn't be good. After all, it seemed like I was on someone else's terms here. There was a minute of silence as I heard the waves beat against the shore, calming me instantly.
I smiled as I took everything in, finding it all so incredible. It didn't seem possible. I had to be dreaming all of this in my mind. I looked back at Anna, making sure she was still here. She picked up a shell from the sea, then placed it back where she found it. She seemed so calm about all of this and I wondered if she was given a choice like this. "So I can choose?" I asked Anna.
Anna looked over at me and nodded. "People up there-" she said and pointed at the sky "-have watched you for a long time. And, they don't give this option to many. But you're different. They see that there is a lot that you can accomplish still. But it has to be your choice." She said as she looked out at sea as if she could see something far in the distance that I couldn't.
There had to be something else that Anna was not telling me. She was holding something back and it made me frustrated. "But there is a catch," I stated. I knew as much as everyone else that something was just too good to be true.
Anna nodded at me. "The only catch is that if you choose to live. You must fight like Hell, you understand? No more, on the fence, one day trying one day not. It will not be easy. But you can do it."
I got out of the water and I sat down in the sand, feeling the hot grit wiggle between my toes. Anna knew that flip-flopping was in my personality. It would be hard for me to break.
Anna walked right beside me and sat down. She bumped my shoulder with a smile. "Clare, have you ever wanted a second chance? A do-over?" She asked. "This is your chance."
I frowned at her. Even though the offer tempted me, I was afraid that if I took it I would have to fight for another 3 more years and I wasn't sure if I had that in me. "But I'm so tired of fighting." I wasn't sure if I could go much longer.
She smiled as if I didn't get something. "What you still don't understand is that you're a fighter, it's in your blood. I saw it in you the first time I met you. I wanted that fighting blood in me, that's why I talked to you that first day we met. Little did you know, before you came in, I was having the worst week of my life. I wanted all of it to end, and I was that night, until you came into the room. You were the one with the plan. You seemed to have something that I didn't have and I wanted it."
I shook my head at her. She had it all wrong. I was never the one with the plans, I was just going through the motions because everyone expected me to do it.
"If you set yourself to do something, you will do it. I have seen it. You can fight cancer and win. But it's up to you. I can't force you to do anything."
"And if I don't choose to live? What happens?" I asked, careful to weigh my options before I make a choice.
"You'll be with some of your family. Some grandparents, great uncles, and aunts. People that have come before you. You'll have a new job. Something that is perfect for you here. Forever."
"In heaven?"
"It's not that cut and dry." She shook her head at me.
"But what about Farrah? Where will she go when the time is right for her?"
"She will not be joining you. She'll have another job when she comes, in another place. What you don't understand is that she looks up to you. If you don't guide her to be her best self, she'll be... But if you stay with her, things would be different," Anna said, stopping her thought, making sure she didn't say too much.
"And Peter?"
She just frowned but remained silent. I knew what she meant. She waved her hand again and suddenly we were by a river with small stalls selling books, magazines, and other older things. My shoeless feet now had wedged small heals on with a sundress that was as bright as a sunflower. Every time Anna changed an outfit, I felt like we were in a fashion show.
"Non, non, je voudrias une! Avez-vous, James blunt?" a lady asked one stall vendor a little ahead of us, bringing me out of my thoughts.
They were speaking French. If this was Anna trying to convince me to say around on the earth longer, she was going a superb job at it. I smiled at Anna. "It's Paris."
She smiled brightly at me, happy with her choice in location. "Honestly Clare, there are so many other beautiful places in the world. Paris is so overrated," she said as she pulled on her now white and red striped dress that bowed at the sleeves. She reached into her pocket and pulled out a pair of sunglasses.
"If I choose to stay, on earth, will it be hard?" I asked. This life that Anna seemed to be living seemed nice. What if this was more tempting than the life I was living on earth?
She smiled at me. "It'll be so hard. But the crazy thing is that you can do it because as hard as it will be, it will also be rewarding and beautiful. It will be a roller coaster but it's just how life is, it's full of highs and lows and everything in between."
We walked down the river to a huge cathedral. "Notre Dame," I said in amazement. Light jazz music filled the air as street performers played on the street. Anna sat down on a bench and tapped a spot next to her and I sat next to her. Minutes passed as we sat and listened to the music being played right beside Notre Dame. Honestly, it was probably the most beautiful scene I have ever seen in my life.
Anna smiled and bumped my shoulder again. "I miss you," she said as she watched the band. "You know, you were one of my only loyal friends."
I shook my head at her. "You seemed like you had so many other people in your life that were important."
"Those weren't really friends. They would not stick by my side, not like you did. Honestly, the world needs more people like you."
"Et Nous avons une autre chanson pour vous." one of the band member said to the listeners.
I nodded. Life was so beautiful. Did I really want to leave? There was still a list of things that I wanted to do. I couldn't bear the thought of leaving my family behind. They needed me as much as I needed them, and I didn't want to leave Farrah alone. There were still so many things I wanted to do, as I realized that this life wasn't just about me, it was about the people that I was around. I just wanted to be there for Farrah, my parents, and Peter, just like they are for me. I didn't want to die. If I had to fight and give it 110% maybe I could do that. "I want to live."
Anna smiled at me happily. "Now say it like you mean it. And remember, don't waste a second of this second chance."
"I WANT TO LIVE!" I shouted at her with excitement and vigor and in an instant, I was lying in a hospital bed. There were so many machines and things were making noise around me. I don't think I have seen so many medical things around me before. I felt something down my throat and struggled to wrap my hands around it. As I prepared to rip it out of my mouth, nurses came running in, with oversized gowns.
"Clare. Please don't do that," one said, as they grabbed my hands and brought them close to my side.
What is going on? I had never been in this situation before. I felt extremely confused and as I could not speak, it just made me feel more confused. I tried to wiggle out of the grasp of the nurses but they held me tight.
"Clare. rest. Please. Look, your parents are just outside the door," the nurse said as she pointed at the window. On the other side where my parents standing up, looking at me with joy in their eyes. "Your immune system is too weak for outside people to come in."
I stopped trying to wiggle as I came to an understanding of what was happening. I remembered the scene that Anna showed me in the hospital. Suddenly, my body felt like it was on fire. I yelled out in pain. I knew that was going to be hard but this pain was something so intense that I have never felt before.
"We need to put her under again," I heard someone say right before everything went dark again.