When he asked me where I wanted to go, I couldn't fathom the depths of imagination he would have. Just when it was starting to feel like we were pulling away, somehow, we were being brought closer together. Forever, I was a moon caught in his orbit.
But that was okay.
Being in the presence of his radiant sun just made me feel so warm and so loved. It made me feel like loneliness was just another word in the dictionary. Each time he reached out to me, the warm rays of who he was as a person lingered for longer than necessary. That wasn't to say I didn't appreciate it. When I was with him, I'd learned to drink in every sun-filled moment and embrace the darkest spots of his dusk.
"Take me to the place where it all comes together."
I'd asked him this in the intermittent silence that reigned out when Xavier started up his car again. Not once had he smiled. He didn't even utter a single word, just pulled the car into drive and set off leading us to nowhere in particular.
Though in my defense, I should have known that he would bring me here.
The leaves crunched hard under my feet, stones sinking with every footfall. The trees were just now beginning to become submissive to the blossoming of a new season. Streetlamp illuminated all the colors splayed out before us; crimson, green, brown, and a deep grey. They would gain their color in the spring, back when life was due to renew again—until then, most remained desolate and bare.
The small park where we had spent many of our nights came into view up ahead.
And I couldn't help but stop.
Xavier's feet plowed ahead, but I was stuck staring at this place where it had all come together. This was a place of firsts for us; a first interaction that wasn't laced with bitterness; a first mutual longing for each other; a first thought that didn't feel so weak under the mist of everything else. My heart was swelling and I could barely keep it in anymore. The steps I made became more shallow and weaker against the briskness of the night.
Unlike Xavier, who had been smart to grab a coat for himself, I was out here in a wet shirt, teeth chattering away and hands plunged into pockets. Maybe I could blame my slow lethargic movements on the fact that I wasn't dressed for this adventure.
But the way he turned and looked at me with deep eyes, I could tell he had clocked me.
"Fuck you," I said, a grin curling onto my face. Dainty fingers rubbed across the bridge of my nose as I took a few more steps forward. "You are not allowed to be this insightful and shit."
A wry smile crept onto his own face as he kicked up a few dry leaves off the ground and started walking backwards. I swear, it was almost like he was taunting me right now. Not in a bad way, but more like we were an old married couple that were still best friends even after all these years. "You asked me to take you somewhere, I felt like this was appropriate." He did have a bit of a point. Where else would he have taken me? The Think Tank felt too public for this, and home was just somewhere I didn't need to be.
Taking each step with an extra bounce, I did my best to match his pace and also close in the distance at the same time. We both made it through the clearing at the same time, the instruments of our folly laid bare for us.
The swings swayed from side to side with each passing wind, and the merry-go-round creaked ever so softly with every moment that passed. The slide was littered with nothing but leaves, and everything just left this essence that it hadn't been touched in a while. Trees crowded from all sides, boxing us into our own private galaxy.
Without pausing, Xavier turned on his heel and pushed off from the merry-go-round, spinning wildly with that stupid grin plastered on his face. Reaching out, I grasped one of the railings, letting it drag me for a moment before stepping on.
The universe might have been a blur in that moment, however I could make out his face with the most vivid clarity.
After a few moments we stopped spinning, and after my lungs stopped aching for air, I could feel his laughter on me. Somehow, he'd managed to close out the distance and was standing in front of me. Maturity was something I never expected from him, but as he stood there, I couldn't escape this thought that we'd grown too much as people in these past few months.
"Kiss me," I said softly. For a second, I don't think the words come out right because he just stands there clueless, eyebrow arched. Any semblance of a smile has dissipated into the slightest of frowns.
Inches are separating us, but in spite of this he spits back a response. "Why don't you make me?"
It's such a sly thing that sends a burning heat to my cheeks and causes my lungs to ache again—though this time the ache feels more metaphoric. Everything skips a single beat, almost like the world got knocked loose for all of two seconds. An expectant look lights in his eyes as if he wants me to make the first move. But he knows this isn't me. I'm not the type to give myself out on a platter.
But for boys like Xavier Sutton, maybe I can.
With great hesitance at first, I reach up a hand to the back of his neck. I'm stuck there, almost frozen. My eyes dart to the floor to try and inspect if everything is where it's supposed to be. Hearts still beating. Lungs still breathing. Mind still plugging away. Stomach still churning.
Swallowing hard, I pull him into me and this time, unlike my previous advances at the think tank, we meld together. My hand grips tighter as my body magnetically pulls itself closer to him, just wanting him in my presence. I want to feel the way he fits underneath my fingertips. I want to explore his slight muscular physique and how it works against my fairly lean and scrawny build. These are the things I think of because it helps keep my mind less occupied on the more serious things.
Like how this will be Xavier's first time with a guy. Like how this will be my first-time period. Like how this feels like a contradiction of all those things I grew up around.
But fuck it, I don't care anymore. Life was made for living and I'm taking it back.
Almost reactively, the other boys' hands find the small of my back and I can almost feel him give way. It's a steamroller of a feeling that threatens to knock everything down. I'm standing in its path and just waiting for my imminent destruction.
Our tongues roll together, breath hot in my mouth. I've never felt passion like this before. I feel it like a snake in my gut, slithering out and making itself known. Teeth clash together as we ignore formalities and push straight into this aggressive match of trying to build the best experience.
As he pushes tighter against me, I feel myself give way. Knees weaken as he lowers me down gently onto the cold metal of the merry-go-round. The occasional breeze sends us stirring again, but our combined bodyweight has nearly pinned down everything into the same space. The feel of him ontop of he is almost everything I've ever wanted.
I can feel the warmth of his body and breath, and the touch of his hand is stirring something deep in me that sends a violet-ness to my cheeks that I didn't think possible.
Positioning himself, he has a knee in between my legs and he pushes himself into me with a movement which I think is mostly outdated and reserved for girls. I should squirm with the discomfort of it, but I can't help myself.
In the moment where I'm about to take my next step into the real world, I laugh.
And it's not just a wry chuckle, it's a proper belly laugh that I can't stop. It creates sounds that permeate higher than any of the moaning that might have come from our later endeavors. The mood is near cut down, were Xavier not half-grinning himself.
"Shut up," he says.
I laugh a little more. "Make me."
"Gladly."
And without a second thought, he descends onto my neck, nipping at it with tight teeth. This is the movement that causes me to wince and let out a dry sound that's caught in the back of my throat. It's a sound I want to bottle forever, just like this moment. Just like the next moment, and the moment after that.
From our mass fumble on a spinning platform, to Xavier getting down to business, to the tight feeling that leaves me weightless and breathless all at once.
I want to remember all of these moments forever for the rest of my life.
Not because they are my first. Not because I have some sick perverted bucket-list coiling in my head.
But because I know that in all these moments, in all these memories, I will never forget the one thing that rings clear above everything; Xavier Sutton loves me.