***** Trigger warning, depression, anxiety & suicide.*****
BREATHE That's what you kept telling yourself as you found yourself looking down the barrel of a loaded pistol.
JUST BREATHE She was crying, "what do you have that I don't" she yelled at you, her hand stretched outright pointing the gun at your head.
STAY CALM Her hand begins to shake, she moves closer to your frozen figure, becoming increasingly agitated by your lack of response to her questions.
IT WILL BE OKAY She starts crying uncontrollably as screams start bellowing down the corridors, security pleading with her to drop the gun.
BREATHE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BREATHE Her sobs hush, her eyes turn dark as she moves the gun and points it at her own head. "Please.... don't" you plead to her, the first words to leave your mouth since this all began. "I will never be enough" she whispers as she pulls the trigger, ending her own misery.
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You turn your head away just as blood is spattered all over your face, your hair, your clothes. The gun shot still echoing in your ears. You look down at your hands, they are speckled with blood.
Time stands still, you can hear the frantic screams of the crew, you can hear them screaming your name, you can hear your breaths becoming more frantic, your heart beat bellowing through your ears as the panic begins to set in. You hear yourself let out a bloodcurdling scream when you see her lifeless body laying in front of you, hands rush to your hysterical side, ushering you away from the scene.
You are inconsolable, crying, screaming, an absolute mess as you are pushed outside into a waiting van. There are familiar voices, filled with panic trying to console you to no avail. Someone is holding you as you cry hysterically, still staring at your bloodied hands. As the realization sets in you are in a moving car traveling at high speeds you begin to panic.
"Let me out" "Open the door" "I can't breathe" you plead over and over again between sobs to whoever is in the car, holding you back from the doors.
You can't breathe, there is no air entering your lungs. You fight harder, reaching for the handle, kicking the door, crying hysterically. The car pulls to a halt and you barrel out the door, desperately trying to fill your lungs. Hands still hold you tightly, voices still fill your ears with words pleading with you to calm down. Bright lights pull up behind the van and bodies come running towards you. Two strong familiar arms wrap around your body, your back being held tightly to his chest. He holds you still.
"Breathe baby, deep breaths" he repeats over and over again, whispering into your ear. "That's it darlin, keep going, just breathe".
Cameras start flashing and you are once again ushered back into the van, his hands still wrapped around you tightly, words still being whispered into your ear.
You find yourself being cradled on the floor, you've stopped crying, at least the noise anyway.
Silent tears fall from your eyes as you stare off into nothingness, your body trembling violently, your body & brain becoming lifeless.
Jackets wrap around your shoulders but you are still cold, tattooed arms hold you tightly embracing you but you still feel alone, words are being spoken but you cannot hear them. In this moment there is nothing, just you, you and your mind.
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You awake to find yourself back in your hotel. Ed asleep beside you, arms draped over you protectively. Your dressed in one of his hoodies and your pajama bottoms, your hair is damp, all traces of the horror that splattered over your body removed.
Was it a dream you question to yourself as you lay still, eyes open attempting to remember how you got here. Did a fan-girl really point a loaded pistol at your head? Did you really stand there and do nothing as she ended her own life? Was this your fault? You inhaled sharply as you pondered the questions swirling around in your head.
The once sleeping figure next to you sprung to life, pulling you as close as physically possible to his chest, arms holding you tightly, hand caressing your hair.
"It's okay sweetheart, shhhhhh, this was not your fault" he repeated over and over again. You stayed in his embrace for what seemed like eternity, not speaking a word. You watched as the sun filled the room through the crack in the curtains. You had heard many hushed voices and small knocks from outside your door but still you both remained. Eventually he pried himself from you, momentarily leaving the room. You sat yourself up on the bed, legs crossed and began wiping away your tears with your sleeves. You could hear many hushed conversations taking place, you however not interested enough to listen to what they were saying. Ed came back into the room, shutting the door behind him. He carried bottled water and food as he sat down beside you pulling you into his lap.
He handed you the bottled water, encouraging you to drink before offering you a plate of food. You simply shook your head and looked down at your hands, still yet to speak a word.
"You need to eat baby" he said into your ear as he held you tightly, you could feel his chin resting on your shoulder, his breath on your neck. "I'll get you whatever you want but please darlin, you need to eat something". Still you remained emotionless, a dark cloud of guilt weighing heavily over you.
"What was her name" you whispered. You felt his body tense, his breathing changed as he processed your request. He lay his head in the crook of your neck as he inhaled & exhaled sharply.
"Sophie" he said quietly lifting his head and resting his forehead on your temple. "I had met her earlier at the meet & greet, she had scars littered up and down her arms, apparently she had been suicidal for months" he continued as he chose his words cautiously. "Sweetheart, this was not your fault, there was nothing you could have done".
"She wanted to be me, she asked me what I had that she didn't" you replied as a single tear fell down your cheek, Ed quick to wipe it away. "She said she would never be good enough and then she shot herself, right there, in those cold corridors in front of strangers, in front of me". His arms tightened around your waist, he kissed your shoulder. "I just stood there, I should have tried to get the gun away from her or talk her down, instead I just stood there and watched. Did I really make her so insecure she thought suicide was the only way out"?
"Ella" Ed said sternly, gently placing his hand on your chin moving your eyes to meet with his, "this was NOT your fault, you did nothing wrong, there was absolutely nothing you could have done to prevent this from happening". His eyes were staring directly into your soul. You could see he was hurting too, trying so desperately to keep it together. You needed to do the same for him.
You spent the rest of the morning talking it through, filling in the gaps and blanks that were missing from the previous night.
Turns out it was James (Blunt), Ed's opening act that had initially rushed to your side and ushered you into the car along with various other members of the stadium's security. Ed had been rushed off stage by Kevin and put into another car unaware of what had happened only hearing the gun shot and commotion from stage. It wasn't until phone calls were made between the two cars that the pieces started coming together. Ed jumped out of his car when he saw you leaping out of yours panicking coming to your aid. Unfortunately the media had begun to catch onto what had happened so you were quickly ushered back into the car where you went into shock.
Once back at the hotel you were brought up to you room where Ed placed you quickly in the shower washing the blood from your body before placing you into bed and singing you to sleep.
Eventually he convinced you to eat, without you even realizing to be honest. He knew you well, he had sent out for all your favorite snacks & lollies and laid them out in the lounge room area ready for a movie. It was instinct really, you reached for snacks as he did while watching the screen. Occasionally he would catch you gazing off into nothingness, he would simply hold you tightly before reminding you to focus on the movie, more than likely reminding himself to do the same.
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Two months had passed since that night, you had both returned home to London after having paused the tour. Eventually it had been decided that the tour would go on as planned with the first concert's proceeds going towards suicide prevention. You took to the stage hand in hand with Ed, along with every other member of his crew for a minutes silence before the concert started to pay your respects.
From that moment on, Ed always had someone by your side while he couldn't. To be honest you didn't really want to be present at any concert anymore, anxiety found you anytime someone unfamiliar approached you. Ed however wasn't willing to budge, determined that you were to live your lives as you had previously, meaning if you weren't working, you were by his side wherever he was. If nothing else, he feared leaving you alone to wallow in depressive state you had found yourself in, he was a smart man.
It had come to light through various media outlets that Sophie was absolutely obsessed with Ed, changing almost everything about herself to mimic you, in the hopes he would notice her. You thought about her often, it was almost impossible not to mind you with her picture on almost every paper and news story you saw for weeks afterwards.
Anxiety followed you wherever you went, you constantly having to pull yourself back as you felt another attack coming on. The guilt you carried becoming to much to bare. No amount of counseling, no amount of support, no amount of medication would ever change the way you felt and nobody would ever understand. You couldn't pretend anymore.
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BREATHE That's what you kept telling yourself as you found yourself looking down the barrel of a loaded pistol.
JUST BREATHE You were crying, "I'm so sorry" you yelled, your arm bent pointing the gun at your head.
STAY CALM Your hand begins to shake, you're body frozen with fear.
IT WILL BE OKAY You start crying uncontrollably as screams start bellowing down the corridors, security pleading with you to drop the gun.
BREATHE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BREATHE Your sobs hush, your eyes turn dark as as you place your finger on the trigger. "Please.... Ella don't" Ed pleads as he turns the corner running towards you, the last words you will ever hear. "I will never forgive myself" you whisper as you pull the trigger, ending your own misery.