In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful
‘Peace and Blessings of Allah be upon our beloved Prophet Muhammad (s.a.s), his blessed descendents and noble companions.’
-Aameen.
Dedicated to Sallizbat20 for her captivating style of writing ;)
Chapter Four
The story of a selfish love
Minnesota, U.S.A
The girl slightly stumbled as she picked her way cautiously through the dimly lit hall. Finally reaching the staircase, she was about to sigh in relief when everything flooded with bright light.
“Oh, hey Dad!” She said carelessly, looking at the man who was standing with his hand on the switchboard.
“Maryam, do you know what time it is?” Sufyaan Khan asked his daughter, doing a brave attempt of controlling the rage that was furiously boiling inside him. He was a tall, broad shouldered man with dense black hair, bushy eyebrows and black eyes.
“Nope, I have no watch you see.” Maryam Jennifer Khan replied in a feeble attempt at joke, showing him her bare wrists. She was a tall, pretty girl of nineteen with beautiful auburn hair and bright black eyes.
“What dress is this you are wearing?” he asked breathing a little shakily, the strain of controlling the growing anger showing plainly in the deep frown and beads of perspiration on his forehead.
“A new one,” Maryam replied with a small smile. “I bought it last week; everyone said I look lovely in it.”
“Lovely?” Sufyaan mocked, a little shudder passing over his big frame as he looked again at his daughter’s dress. She was wearing a sleeveless black frock that barely reached her knees. Over it, she wore a small, shiny red coat and high red heels.
Maryam shrugged and was about to ascend the stairs when her father’s growling voice stopped her.
“We need to talk Maryam.”
“Look Dad, I am terribly tired. Can’t this wait until tomorrow, besides why this sudden display of affectionate concern? You rarely bother whether I'm dead or alive.”
“Maryam!”
“There is no need to shout please, what do you want to know?” She asked in a bored voice.
“Why did you not introduce me to the guy who dropped you now?”
“Why should I introduce him to you?” Maryam asked, raising a perfectly chiseled brow.
“Are you not both engaged then?” Sufyaan asked watching her face keenly.
“What! Engaged? With Joe? Why the heck would I be engaged to him?” She asked back in an amused tone.
“I saw you both…” He paused and then continued with a great effort. “I saw you two kissing each other.”
“So?” She inquired calmly.
“You don’t deny?” He blazed, his face growing red in suppressed emotion.
“Of course not. Was it for that you asked whether I was engaged to him?” She gave him an odd look.
“You both aren't engaged to be married, yet you kissed him!” Sufyaan finally exploded, coming dangerously close towards his daughter.
“For God’s sake Dad! It was just a kiss! Why are you making a big deal over it?” Maryam snapped back.
“Just a kiss? Just a kiss! And I guess tomorrow when he leaves you pregnant you would say it is just a child huh?”
“Please don’t be melodramatic and let me go now, I told you I'm dead tired.” She sighed and swayed a little before catching hold of the stair’s banister.
“Maryam, are you drunk?” Sufyaan asked his voice deathly quiet.
Her eyes for the first time refused to meet his as she repeated,
“I want to go to my room, Abba.” She added softly, as an afterthought.
Slap!
Maryam almost fell as her father’s hand hit her cheek hard.
“Don’t you ever call me that!” He said in the same quiet voice, only his eyes betraying his raging anger.
Holding her burning cheek in her palm, Maryam’s black eyes reflected the anger back as she breathed shakily,
“How dare you…hit me?”
“If you call me as Abba, then I have every right to correct you when you do wrong.” Sufyaan spat his words.
“Correct me? By slapping? You are not a man but a beast, I ask again why this sudden display of affection?” She said, her words dripping with sarcastic venom. “You have never cared as to what I do, why don’t you go and lock in that room of yours as you always do? Mom always tried to say what you really were, but I denied it every time and I see now how wrong I was.”
“So she told you about my real face huh? I am pleased to know that you have finally discovered its truth. And I see that you too are just like her. Ungrateful wretches!” Sufyaan said bitterly, turning back from her his huge shoulders drooping in defeat.
“Tomorrow I am leaving you, for always.” She called back to him.
“I don’t care whether you leave or not or when you leave …besides it would be a good riddance too.” He replied in a cold dead voice.
When she came to her room, Maryam closed the door and leaned against it, finally slumping down to the floor.
“…a good riddance too, a good riddance too.” His cold voice continued to echo in her painfully throbbing head. A tear mixed with the mascara trickled down slowly leaving a dark trail on her cheek.
She remembered the time when she had always defended him when her mother spoke against him. For whenever her mom accused him of something, the sacred memory of her childhood always came and made her support her father.
For her childhood had been very happy, Maryam remembered the way her Dad would swing her in his arms while she used to shout in fear mixed with glee. He was like a hero to her; doing everything she asked, fulfilling her every childish wish…then there had been other joyous moments when he would tell all about his homeland.
Every night after tucking her into bed, he would enchantingly describe its colorful, noise filled streets, its warm-hearted people, their different cultures and customs mingling together as if one and in her childish imagination this beautiful land became vivid… grew, and grew into a most enchanting dreamland. It was then that in her tender heart, the seed finally took firm root and India to her became a wonderland!
Then there was the time when he had patiently taught her his language, Our language…he would say proudly with a smile. That was how she learnt to speak fluently in Urdu. And they used to tease her mom by speaking in it, baffling her while they both laughed talking nonsense.
But something seemed to have happened in the coming years, Maryam closed her eyes and rubbed her temples trying to recall what it was. For no matter how much she tried, she always failed to remember what had happened between her and Sufyaan. Because suddenly he became distant from her. No more hugs and laughs. A smile occasionally and that too slowly disappeared over the years.
Then there had been her mother, her daily arguments with Sufyaan that Maryam knew in her heart were false accusations against him. And now that she recalled those arguments and accusations, Maryam remembered how he never shouted back at her mother like he had did with her today. And with her too, this was the first time he had spoken so…She pushed the thought back and remembered those days when she would be feeling terribly lonely after school, her mom as usual would have gone to visit her friends and Sufyaan would be sitting alone in the hall watching T.V. and expecting she knew not what she used to slowly come and sit beside him. But the moment he noticed her, Sufyaan would get up and leave, going inside his room and locking the door.
Ah the hurt and pain of rejection by someone whom you trusted, whom you loved and who was once your hero, your everything! The citadel that she had built around his image in her heart had slowly come crumbling down until there came a time as today when for him there was nothing in her heart but wreck and ruins.
Then during her high school, her mother was diagnosed with breast cancer in the fourth stage. Days and nights at the hospital, chemo, pain, and medications all flitted and passed in her memory as a blur. Finally there came the end when she was no more, though they had tried so hard.
At least while her mother was alive, there had been some sort of a link between her and Sufyaan. But after she had passed away, it was like she was completely alone. She had looked at her father, standing tall, his head bowed in grief. She knew and felt that he had loved her mother in his own silent way, she wanted to go and tell him that she understood, she wanted to oh so much hug him at least once…yet was afraid that he would repel her like he had done all these years.
Maryam did not know what would have become of her these two years if not for her friends at high school. Perhaps it was her sense of style and dressing, because even though she had kept to herself she gradually became a part of one the popular groups. She remained in the background yet did not avoid the attention she received, sometimes welcoming it hungrily. She had always been diligent in her studies but her passion was designing clothes. Her goal had been to become a recognised fashion designer, but somehow she had been lured into the world of modeling.
Down in his room, Sufyaan sat bowed in his chair. His huge posture was of complete defeat and loss. His eyes looked unblinking at a framed photo hanging on his wall. It showed a woman’s pretty smiling face, her red hair blowing wildly in the wind.
Sufyaan stared at Sally, his dead wife’s happy face. Years ago, he had taken it during the time they had been engaged. Just a year before, he had come from India accepting an invitation from his uncle who ran a busy garage shop known as the ‘Khan Garage Works’. Though his uncle’s business in this foreign country had been successful, his health had not. That was why he had invited his favourite nephew and took him in partnership. And the next year he had died leaving all his property to Sufyaan which amounted to very little except the shop. Then he met Sally and they had quickly married for he had become crazily infatuated with her. Though neither he nor his family was practicing Muslims, Sufyaan like every other non-practicing Muslim knew what the major sins were. Thus it was an honest heart, which had proposed marriage to Sally rather than inviting her towards the other way. And the surprising thing was she had readily accepted him too.
Like every marriage of reality, the enchantment had soon worn off. But he had remained devoted to her though his family upon hearing about his marriage had stopped all communications with him. Moreover, as years went by, Sufyaan discovered that no matter what he did to please her, Sally still remained dissatisfied. But amidst this, Maryam was born. And it was with great joy he had telephoned to his family hoping for a reconciliation, but he heard his father’s gruff voice saying, “Sufyaan? No, you are mistaken, we have no son by that name. Our son died years back.”
And that too he had pushed back and did not mind much in his joy of his baby child yet in his heart he had wanted so much to talk to his mother. At least only once, just to hear her soft voice saying Assalamu Alaikum…and he let it pass too as years went and he grew more fonder of his darling girl. To her he spoke of his country, his people, his dreams and where Sally had become bored of his descriptions and stories, to Maryam they were most wonderful. Then oh, with what pride he had taught her to call him Abba! And quickly she had learnt all the other words too until by the time she was eight both could fluently communicate in Urdu, while to Sally it all seemed nonsense.
The relationship between the two had become strained, yet Sufyaan minded it not and poured all his love and attention upon his daughter when he came back from work. And as to Sally’s doings he neither interfered nor questioned. Then one day she had come and stood for long watching both the father and daughter laughing and teasing each other. That night she said to him that she wanted a divorce. At first Sufyaan was shocked but as it worn off, he thought may be that would be better and was about to agree when Sally said that she would be taking the custody of Maryam as she is a girl. In addition, the court she pointed out would support her.
The thought of becoming separate from his little Maryam almost killed him. And it was then looking at his pale face that Sally said with a strange triumphant smile,
“But if you promise not to communicate with Maryam beyond necessity and not to display your affection or whatever to her, I will promise to not proceed with the divorce. We will both live here, but mind, your promise first!”
“Are you mad?” He had finally questioned, after a long time of silence when his mind that had numbed upon hearing his wife’s strange condition gradually started functioning again. Then it slowly dawned upon him that maybe she was jealous, yet he thought, how could one be jealous of one’s own child?
He had pleaded with her, begged, kissed, did everything a man could do in his power. Yet she remained unmoved. It was either divorce or his promise. Then at last the day came when he had to take his decision, Sufyaan vaguely wondered whether his grown up Maryam now remembered that day. That special last day when he had taken her to the park as he had done so many times…enjoyed, teased, played, laughed with his child, his daughter, his world, his life for the final time. Then hugging her to his beating heart, he murmured to her hair while his large frame shook in suppressed emotion,
“Oh my baby, my sweet heart, my darling Maryam…do you know your father is going to do a very selfish thing? He can’t bear to be separated from you…even the thought kills him… dear darling child, do forgive me, for what I'm going to do now I think will still kill me, at least you will be there before my eyes…oh forgive your selfish father my dearest heart…!”
Yet Maryam neither heard the broken murmured words nor saw the tears that accompanied them, for after a long day of happy exertion she being only a child was fast asleep in his arms. That night he gave the promise.
And ah the days after that, Sufyaan even after all these years shuddered remembering it…How he bore it only Allah knew, He controlled his feelings, bottled up his love, hardened his heart for some how Sally managed to be always there when he came back from work. Yet not all this killed him, it was when Maryam came so eagerly running to him expecting her usual hug and joyful swing in his arms and when he turned back from her like a blind man, the look of surprise and hurt in her eyes at last killed his heart. And that look in his daughter’s eyes he slowly watched as days passed, became of shock, disbelief and finally pain…
It was two years back that Sally was diagnosed with Cancer; he did his best as he always did with her yet they couldn’t save her and sometimes when he sat with her in the hospital room, she would say wryly after the excruciating chemo session, “See Suf, how God has punished me for doing you so much wrong…” Yet even then, he had said nothing except envelop her in his arms.
But he so much wished, yearned and prayed that she would tell Maryam what she had asked him to do years back. It seemed she died without telling her. Though the promise was dissolved, though his whole heart cried him to hug his sobbing motherless child, he just stood there looking at her like one turned into stone. Oh how he wished she was again his little Maryam, who always used to come flying so happily towards him. And now he did not know how to approach this young woman who neither looked at him nor seemed to be aware of his presence.
Then these two years had passed too…and as he had did to please Sally, he did everything for her before she asked. From her food to her clothes to everything, he saw carefully that she never lacks for anything. Her school had been finished last year and when he had asked her as to which university she was going to apply… as usual, she had said carelessly, Oh I will see about it Dad, you don’t have to worry about anything.
On becoming aware of her dreams of modeling and fashion, he was greatly troubled. He knew in his heart his daughter was being wrongly guided, yet try as he might the courage failed him when he went before her to talk about it. It was with deep uneasiness that he had been watching her this year, her frequent trips to modeling agencies, her eager participation, her enthusiasm, her late nights and finally something which he would be unable to bear even in another’s daughter, he was forced to see in his beloved Maryam, her revealing of her precious body before other’s ravenous gaze. He had seen the portfolio she was carefully putting together, only her best photos were chosen and looking at them, all he had felt was a strange sense of loss and failure, as if he had failed to protect something precious that had been entrusted to him.
And tonight had been the climax of all that emotions which had been bottled inside him. She did not know yet he waited every night for her until she came home and only then, he went to sleep. But tonight had been worse than others, she had been very late; usually she would come alone in her car which he had presented her a year back or with some girl. But tonight it was with a guy and oh to see them together like that, to see his Maryam like that…yet he had controlled himself with a great effort thinking that he was wrongly suspecting his darling. He knew his daughter has grown up, may be these two had become engaged secretly and may be Maryam was shy or reluctant to tell him about the guy she had chosen.
But Ya Allah! Sufyaan cried, gripping his head in his shaking hands, what was that she had said…It was just a kiss!
Oh he knew all about the temptations of youth, about the culture and behaviour of this country yet in his heart he had always believed his Maryam to be like him, like his people at home. For when Sally had wryly remarked about her punishment from God, she had also added, “You know Suf, all these years I tried my best to turn her against you but the more I accused you, the more she became defensive about you…and I know now that she is made of the stuff you are made of. And for that I am grateful!”
And it was only in name he had been a Muslim all these years, to tell the truth when he was in homeland too, he used to pray only the Jumu‘ah and Eid Prayers. When he had come here, there was no Masjid for hundreds of miles. So he had stopped praying even those special Prayers which he had used to pray. Yet ingrained in him were the moral right and wrongs, the major sins in Islam…and all these years he had neither touched a woman except his wife, nor fell to the devilish temptation of alcohol and never called any one in difficulty besides Allah!
Now with a deep shudder Sufyaan realized that what little faith had guided him all these years, Maryam did not have even that…and tomorrow, she had threatened him she would be gone for always. To hear those words and the words accusing him of being a brute and never having cared for her from her own lips was his reward after all these of years of his deep selfless love and sacrifice for his daughter!
It was a broken heart and a crying soul that fell in Sujood (Prostration) upon the carpeted floor while from his lips escaped the trembling words, Ya Allah, Forgive me!
Staring at the darkened opposite house from her window, Maryam sat on the window seat with her arms wrapped around her knees, her chin resting upon them. Vaguely she wondered about their neighbour Miss Forbe, and her son who had moved out and didn't visit anymore, and how the lines in Miss Forbe's pretty face had deepened as months passed, and how she always smiled yet Maryam felt her loneliness in the way she wandered aimlessly inside her home. Would Sufyaan too become like her, lost and bewildered in his own home after she leaves?
Maryam shook away such thoughts and concentrated on the present task. She had saved some money from the allowance that Sufyaan had given her every month without fail. And she knew it would be enough until she could get a part time job, and confirmed her permanency in the modeling agency where she had had a little success, the only thing is she knew she had to work very hard, because most of the models started their career very early but Maryam had been into this world for just a year and the path ahead of her seemed long and arduous, yet Maryam only pressed her lips together in determination. Yes, she would do this. She would become the next super model of USA.
Looking at the patch of inky sky, she sighed heavily as her heart repeated the words, ‘Tomorrow I would go to meet Sophia and tomorrow I will leave him forever!’
*****
A/N :)
Well yes anything to say? No? Alright then take care…the next update would be soon Insha Allah!
With Duas and Salaam,
abdurRahman (Gudi ;))