Coup de pied
Literally "on the neck of the foot," or on the tapered portion of the leg from the base of the calf to the mid-foot. Cou-de-pied describes the position "on the neck of the foot" of the supporting leg taken by the working foot in a variety of Classical Dance movements.
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I don't want to move on. I don't want to leave my past in small increments behind me. I want to take something from every experience, good or bad, and find it useful in some tiny way.
It was the one thought that kept me moving, kept me functioning throughout the morning. But not because I didn't know what to do. Not because my mind couldn't erase that look Travis gave me awhile ago --God, there couldn't be anything I hadn't thought of, no angle that I hadn't considered--but because I could no longer trust myself to do the right thing, especially now that Travis is sitting across me looking at me with those eyes which I once fell for
I wish I could tell Travis that I'm okay. Travis wouldn't think that from how I acted after we went out separate ways. The waterworks flowed constantly; my sobs racked my body hard enough that I began to question my ability to breathe.
Despite my inner turmoil I smiled slightly at Darren who was filling up my plate for lunch "Thanks, Darren" I said and Darren only returned my smile
I glanced back at Travis who was still staring at me. Dear God... I couldn't start on eating with a view like that. My thoughts are a heart rhythm on a monitor. Steady, but an unconscious result of my being alive.
Travis chewed on his pesto while never leaving my face. For a moment, I couldn't move, couldn't breathe, still transfixed by those eyes embedded to my mind, my heart thudding in my ears.
From what Elaine told me, Mich has some errand to do and papers to work on her passport to Singapore, that's why Travis came alone awhile ago with just his traveling bag with no Mich clinging on to his arm
Liz hasn't touched her food and never looking my way since the moment she saw Darren on top of me by the beach. She was sitting next to Adrian, just across Elaine who was busy chatting up with Tippy. Tippy's face was all made up; dark lashes, ruby lips, exotic looking eye liner. It was like looking at a more beautiful, prettier, Mona Lisa.
"What about we do some volleyball match a little later this afternoon?" Tippy suggested with so much enthusiasm in her eyes
"Great idea, time to put those spiking skills to good use" Ted uttered "We'll do it after Dennis would arrive. I needed to prove to that beast, I'm better"
Elaine snorted at him and shook her head.
"Count me in" Darren said as he laid a Maja Blanca on my plate. Just right then, Liz stood up. I shot a horrified glance back at Lizelle. Her food untouched. She slowly set her utensils down on her plate, giving us a fixed regard before speaking "I'll be in my room" She said before completely walking out
My friends looked at each other with a questioning look but Adrian shrugged "Might be pms-ing" he said
"Monique doesn't eat Maja Blanca. It has peanut in it" Travis said quietly.
I frowned, both surprised and touched he'd remembered my food allergy. I shifted uncomfortably in my seat as I searched for a response. "Drop it, Trav. He doesn't know" I said in protest
"He might as well know you're allergic to peanut." His lips twisted into a smirk and he met my eyes, noticing the twinkle of amusement beginning to show. "Naturingan pang nanliligaw, hindi alam"
"Kaya nga nanliligaw so we get the chance to get to know each other more" Darren protested, my cheeks flaring hot as my friends glanced our way. Nakakahiya. I gave Tippy a remorse look but she just smiled at me.
"Pwede ba bro?" Darren said briskly putting his arm on my chair as if marking his territory. Darren was so good at pulling off this stunt; he deserved an Oscar more than anyone else. It was hard to breathe. My pounding heart battled my lungs for freedom to expand.
"Woah woah, Boys.. Chill tayo. Para kayong mga bata" Elaine said breaking off the tension. "I know the heat must've gotten inside your head. Why don't we channel it to a volleyball match instead?"
Ted tapped the table with excitement. "Deal"
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Darren grabbed my hand and pulled me along with him. He had the biggest hands. Mine were lost in his grip. I liked it when he held my hand like this. I could always smell his cologne on my hand later, after he let go.
Darren is not difficult to like, what's not to love about him anyway? But somehow, every time I held his hands.. a part of me would still protest
I squinted at the bright sun when we went out under the sun. Everyone was surrounded by clouds of smoke from the open barbecue pit prepared by Elaine. All the other women were preparing the tables and ooh-ing and ahh-ing over favorite recipes.
"Let's sit under that tree while we wait, Ate." Wrapped in her own sarong and humongous hat and sunnies, She said and tapped the longue chair beside her "You know they'll make us be the last ones to eat. They always do."
"Shh, someone will hear you, and they won't let us eat at all."
We both laughed. Tippy grabbed her iPhone 5S and then plopped down under the huge oak that provided the only shade. I eased myself down along side her. Our shoulders touched, and she leaned over close for us to have a Selfie she wanted so she could upload it on her Instagram
The wind was going from South to North which would have created a good side bad side situation if they were playing a game. This made tossing the ball pretty damn difficult when the wind is blowing in their face. The sun slowly warming the air as it creeps above the horizon. The tide is out. There is wide stretch of wet sand dotted with a few shells.
After about 15 minutes, a flurry of excitement started heading in the same direction. They started the volleyball match without Dennis. Every time Travis would score, my heart would secretly leap and rejoice. I don't know who to root for between Darren and Adrian versus Ted and Travis.
I felt as if every eye was on me, watching me. I knew it was a little neurotic, but I felt as though I would be caught staring at him and then, well then, everyone would know.
I watched as bead of sweat dripped slowly down Travis' forehead, down his cheek, his chin, to the ground, glistening all the way. His shirt was essentially doused. God, look at those quads; look at that lovely, tanned physique. My mouth watered a little.
Ted served at Darren and Adrian- this means that he had double the amount of information being fired at either of the two. Their main focus was siding out from an easy serve- so basically good pass, good set and then put the ball away.
The first set was taken by Travis and Ted, the second was by Darren and Adrian. By third and fourth sets, they were tie.
Instantaneously the men began to hurl savage, powerful smashes and spikes at the other. They were both very strong and flexible and could use their legs equally as well as their fists.
The hours clipped by, and every once in a while, The battle was not with Ted and Travis versus Adrian and Darren. All the rally of the volleyball came between Travis and Darren alone.
The fight was viscous as both men were battling for something that was very primal to any man; I also get the feeling, by the looks and sweats Travis shred, that he is pretty frustrated sometimes because he struggled hitting the ball in a straight line- to a person. Each man froze as they glared at one another with complete contempt.
It was not over just as quick as it started. I could only watch as the men used every bit of strength to be victorious. Things got really quiet, save for some lingering shouts and ball smash coming from two different courts. I watched as the men used every bit of strength to be victorious.
The sudden outburst startled me. I felt my heartbeat quicken against my chest, as well as heat increasing from my face. I held my breath in shock as I heard a loud smash. Slowly expelling air from my lungs, I glanced at Travis who was breathing hard, and then eyes rose to meet Darren's.
"Darren!" It was more of a call of panic, than a beckoning one when the ball smashes to Darren's face from Travis' spike. He collapsed to the ground but didn't rise. I stood up immediately; greatly concerned for him. I rushed to his side and moved my hands up to touch Darren's face whose nose was bleeding
Just before I do something, Liz came to the picture. I was pleasantly surprised when Liz helped Darren up from the sand. With an ice wrapped around the towel, She laid Darren down the lounge chair (With the help of Teddy and Adrian) and started pressing it gently on his nose.
I gasped even before I could dart my attention to Travis, he quickly excused himself and headed to the rented cabin without backward glance
"Get me more Ice" Liz said. She gave me a look and later, I heard her clear her throat nervously behind her and I immediately stood up and went my way back to the cabin only to find Travis in the Kitchen with it
I walked on. I stood on the stairs, looking down at him. I stepped down into the room and walked over to him. Now he towered over me.
There was an awkward pause, as we both decided what to say next. Travis took a step closer and looked over my body which made me tensed a little which made me looked down on what I was wearing. It was yellow summer dress with two very thin straps that looped about my shoulders to give anyone enough glimpse of my bikini top.
I have to admit, Travis looked so good. Travis is maintaining a tense distance. His eyes I read hesitance, second thoughts, and disbelief. Surprised, I note his uneven breath and checking my own, I am embarrassed to find that we match.
"Figured out Darren might need this"
I grabbed on the icepack he had in his hand and looked into his eyes. I could see an impish grin. Something was about to happen. It always did when I got that look. I felt unnatural, haunted by memories of a young love that had never been consummated, almost obsessed with my past with Travis.
The passion was there but not the energy and fire. Our feelings for each other are special but sometimes love is enough when the flesh is weary.
"So where do we go from here?" I asked with uncertainty dripping from my voice but as soon as it's out my mouth, I completely regret it.
Then some unreadable emotion flittered across his face, but it was so fleeting that I wasn't even sure what it was. "What do you mean?" I flinched at his words and tone. I realized now that it had been a terrible thing to say.
I'm not really sure what I mean "I still want us... to be friends"
"Friends?" He asked on a laugh, shaking his head but he offered me a crooked smile.
"I'm not asking for you to give me another chance so that we can start over, "I began "I'm only asking to get to know you as a friend and to be like how we once were. Is that asking too much?" I asked unconsciously touching his arm.
"Maybe it is," He told me "I guess we both handled things badly."
"I realized that hate, anger, and unforgiveness can leave you frozen in time while the world continues to turn about you. I don't want to be stuck in the same place for another years" I pressed my hands to his chest and met his eyes as heat warmed my cheeks. That was so far the boldest thing I've ever done and Travis was even more surprised with what I did
I let out a nervous laugh and nodded. "That's why I wanted to start over, with no assumptions, no mistakes. Maybe as a friend?"
Travis smiled but never looked up for the second time when he said, "He's waiting for you." I could feel tears burning the back of my eyes. It was like he was completely giving me away to someone else
I tried to press Travis for more emotion, maybe a finality that he would be willing to risk it all over again to be with me, but he just repeated what he had already said.
"Okay. I better get going" Just when I turned around, Liz was there standing while holding the door knob
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My hot sweaty body ached for some coolness as I drank greedily from the water bottle and I looked down at the most perfect beach. The sea a clear aqua and the sands a gleaming white. I smiled inwardly, unwrapped the towel and laid it on a chair.
Rummaging through my pack I found my sunscreen lotion and arranged myself and began to oil my skin. Darren was already in the water with his head back and his eyes closed. He was floating. I stood in the sun, squinting down at him, not sure what to do.
I almost wanted to turn back, but it was too late now. I looked down at his face. He was gorgeous no doubt and I wouldn't be surprise Liz fell for him. Tan, dark brown hair, when they were open, dark brown eyes; intense eyes but not as intense as Travis'.
He opened his eyes and for a breath moment there was nothing but them. He looked right at me and I to him. There was a sudden intimacy that caused me to blush and quickly look away, and then the moment was gone.
"Well, are you just gonna keep standing there, gawking, or are you gonna get it. It's not cold, don't be a sissy. And hindi naman masyadong tirik ang araw"
"Oh shut it, I just got here, gimme a break."
"Oh christ, come on you pansy, get in the water or I'll have to make you."
He waded over to me with a sly smile on his face. I knew I was going to get exactly what I wanted. He stopped right in front of me, so close I could smell him.
He smelled slightly of sweat but there was a manly, virile scent also emanating from him. I was so hot at that moment, I felt extremely uncomfortable.
"Are you gonna make me use force, Nikki?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," I sniffed. I turned up my nose and continued to ever so slowly get into the water.
In a blinding instant, he had his large hands encircled around my waist. He threw me in, as though I weighed nothing, over his shoulder and made his walk to the deeper waters.
"What are you doing?! Darren!"I squealed like I was mad. And I kept on writhing away to try to get out of his grip. I squealed out of delight as he plucked me off his shoulder and threw me into the water.
I knew just how to play this angle. I glided through the water, then kicked my legs and brought myself up back to the surface. My face came out of the water, gasping for air as I rubbed my eyes."Oh no you don't do that to me, Darren, this means war!" I swam over to him and jumped on his back. I wrapped my legs around him tightly.
"Oooo, I like this fighting tactic."
I turned away from him, I didn't want him to see how totally embarrassed I was of what I did. I just wrapped my legs around Darren!
"Hey hey, where you goin'?"
"You know Darren, you need not to be so harsh on Liz you know"
I said remembering what happen over few hours ago just after Darren recovered from epistaxis.
I was busy hovering over my Ipad when I noticed approached my way. I smiled at her but she didn't return the favor. Instead, she stood just right in front of me
She sighed "Are you just using Darren to get over Trav?"
Liz didn't bother with pleasantries when she saw me idling over. I always told Liz that she could always count on me for a straight answer. Maybe she didn't expect was my raucous laughter at the question as I felt anger coursed through her veins like molten lava.
I gave an uncomfortable laugh, knowing that the longer this went on, the longer it would be before I could tell her what we're really up to. I realized there was nothing I could say in response, not without giving away that she had been there--and for some reason, I didn't want to do that.
Still in shock over the vehemence in Liz's voice, "This has nothing to do with Travis, Liz." I paused for so long moment, observing Liz's reaction for a while. Before finally, I continued, "What makes you think that way?"
"I know all too well that rebounding doesn't make you forget, Darren doesn't deserve that.. if you're using him to get over---"
"Ano naman yun sa'yo, Liz?" Darren came right from the door and stood between the two of us. I watched as Lizelle stared at this man, the man she had only just realized she'd been in love with for most of her young adult life.
"So what if Nikki's using me? What is it to you?" Darren pressed and I couldn't believe he was uttering these words to Liz but I remain calm, at least I tried to. Looking at Lizelle, I noticed that for the first time in our friendship, she was speechless.
"Maybe I don't mind being used, maybe I don't mind at all.. Maybe that's how my love works. It sacrifices" I grabbed Darren's arm and squeeze it, letting him know how not to push Liz's buttons so hard he might regret it in the end.
Lizelle stared where my hand landed with her jaw almost agape. Now, I don't know whether to just be calm or continue this espionage. Liz has always been my friend since the beginning and it's aching me to know I'm doing this to her. I wish I could tell her that none of it was real.
I couldn't do anything else but watched as she swallowed a lump on her throat, taking the image burn in her mind
Oblivious to Darren's plotting, Liz said with determination in her eyes "Darren, I'm just looking out for you.. I—"
"At kung ano man gawin ko sa buhay ko, Wala ka na don, Liz." Mockery was obvious to his tone.Darren smiled. A smile that should be registered as a lethal weapon that could crush someone's heart.
My fingernails dug into his arms painfully, but Darren went on. "You're the one who pushed me away.. remember?" For a second I thought Darren gone too far because Liz froze for the space of several heartbeats. The conversation never slowed down, and before I knew it Liz has walked away from us
I wanted to melt away. How completely mortifying it was to witness and to think it only happened an hour ago. "Now, see what happens when you act ridiculously? Don't think about it so much. Nagu-guilty ka pa eh" He said "Sometimes you have to stop worrying. Have faith that things will work out, maybe not how we planned, but just how they're supposed to."
"You could say that now pero I saw you laying out a tray of food right in front of Liz's room" Darren didn't say anything in return. He did that hours after Liz's walked out from our Lunch. I didn't know why but he didn't say anything further. He just smiled at me but that kind of smile didn't even reach his eyes.
"Kanina, I almost wanted to run on to Travis' arms. I wanted to tell him everything. Muntik na" I sighed. I tried to put my words as delicately as possible because Darren's reaction to what I was ought to say had me worried. "Ang hirap nang ganito Darren. What if it wont work out? What if it would only lead us to nowhere? What if--"
Not giving me a chance to finish, Darren reached out and grabbed my hand. Out of the blue, Darren pulled me back and threw me over his shoulder again. I squealed and tried to swim away, but Darren quickly caught me, This time he gave my butt a little smack and I yelped in shock as he dunk my head under the water. I came up coughing and laughing. I was bursting inside.
"What the fck, Darren!!" I splashed him some more water and our water fight continued
"Oh, no you don't," I giggled as I tried to paddle away. But, he was much too quick for me and overtook me easily. He grabbed my waist again and pulled me close. I wasn't prepared for him manhandling me, I've never been manhandled before
He held me right where I was. I wasn't sure if he felt uncomfortable, but I did, as we looked each other in the face. He was looking intently at me, and then suddenly, I pushed him away. I turned away and swam back to the shore
"I'll race you to the food."
I jumped up and ran to the first table before he could answer. He followed close behind, hugging me from the back when he caught up to me. He pulled me to him, and I blushed and quickly looked around to see if anyone was watching us.
And indeed, there was that familiar guarding eyes watching us from a far. I turned my head towards that direction, and my eyes widened. My stomach quickly did a somersault, and I wretched.
It was Travis
I know I don't have any reason to feel guilty but the way his eyes were giving me off that message. I can't help but feel otherwise.
Why do I feel guilty?