Chapter Twenty- An End And A Beginning
Bailey's Pov
It was two weeks of ups and downs with daily visits to the gym so I could put on a pair of gloves and go at Julian but I was finally getting a handle on things.
I think I cried more in the past two weeks than I have in my entire life. I would get so angry and start hitting things and Julian would just let me get it out before I would just feel weak and break down into tears and let him hold me until I stopped crying.
It was a daily thing since he brought me the first time, but the best part of my day would be when he would come over after his shower and curl up in bed with me. My feelings grew for him every day and after the first week or so he suggested he pulled back a little and told me to spend more time with Lacey.
I was going to group on my own and gradually becoming more pleasant, my individual sessions were coming just as slow but Robert was being patient with me. Julian and I talked about what we could and couldn't say about each other with Robert and each session I wondered more and more what Julian said about me. Robert looked at me like a puzzle sometimes.
I guess with still being so closed off I kind of was to him.
Lacey was great and we're already really close in such a short amount of time. I feel like I've been in here four months instead of four weeks with how close to people I've been getting. I even spent a little time with Kylie every now and then.
The more I talked to Robert, the more I felt like I wanted to open up. I talked about the addiction and how I got into it and how I've been feeling in here. We talked about Julian and Lacey, but I avoid my family like the plague. I just don't feel comfortable talking about them.
People think they're so great because they have money and we had this big house, but in reality I didn't actually have much, the lap top and IPod were brand new; I never had those before I came in here. All my clothes were new, they obviously didn't like the ones I bought with the money I had from working a job to make my own money.
Everything I had I bought besides my cell phone, but people think they're so great and that's why it pisses me off so much that they sent me here. They were spending thousands of dollars every month here, they've already shelled out over twenty grand, which they have never spent on my in my freaking life before now.
They didn't care about what I did but suddenly I have a drug problem and since it's on my record people can know about it, so they need to keep up their perfect parent's charade and send me to the priciest one around.
This place is so big, it even has a private beach but the first month we aren't allowed down there.
I thought about how much I've changed in the past month. I went from dark circles, injection marks and being too skinny to my skin having a slight tan, my eyes looked brighter, my hair looked healthier and I had gained weight.
I was having a hard time on that last one. On one side I knew that this was a healthier weight, but on the other I had Macy telling me I was too fat and repulsive and just all those other bad emotions, so when I went to therapy with Robert I decided that maybe it was time to talk about it.
"How are you feeling today?" he asked me
"Better, not so angry all the time I know I messed up and I feel like I'm getting back to the old me a little bit."
"Which old you?" he asked
"The person I was before I got addicted to drugs." I clarified.
"Is there anything you want to talk about? How are things with you and Julian?" he asked and that always brought a smile to my face.
"They've been great; he's been his usual pushy but not too pushy self with me. He still stays over an we still aren't sleeping together." I added before he could say anything. I know he disapproved but Julian said that he and Kylie already knew and we just had to keep it quiet.
"What do you two do?" he asked but I think he already knew that one.
"We kiss and he sleeps with me."
"You're going to both have to get used to sleeping on your own one day." He reminded me and I nodded, but the thought of sleeping without him was kind of painful.
"I know."
"Julian has told me what I can discuss with you, did you know he has move to his fourth stage?" he asked me and I looked away and nodded, I knew where he was going with this, he would be leaving soon and I would be staying here.
"I know, he talks to me about it." just as I break down every day he nearly every day once we get back to his room, and I always put on a Disney movie for him to try to help. It's just something about a movie from when you were a child that puts a smile on your face.
"I'm glad he does, you know you're moving into your next stage too." He told me
"Am I?" I wasn't so sure
"Soon you will and I think you have Julian to thank for that and I think he should be thanking you too. I've been working with him five months now and I've seen him progress so much better the past month than in first four. You two help each other and push each other the right amount to help. He tells me that you understand him and believe me when I say that can be the most important thing in here, having someone to listen and understand. So don't be angry when people understand what you're going through, be grateful you can learn from them."
I nodded, I know I'm not the nicest in group and they are just trying to get better too while helping in any way they can, I know that but I still have a hard time accepting that.
"Thank you." I told him
"Are you ready for group now?" he asked me. I started becoming less hostile when they put me in individual before group.
Robert and I headed over and I took my seat, maybe I could try harder today.
Robert started off the session with people talking about if they had any break through or new feelings they would like to share. I listened while some people talked and they would discuss how their family took things, how they lost their friends, screwed up a job or a relationship by it. Some people were closing in on acceptance and were saying how that made them feel, but it brought out new fears on getting out and if they could do it when they did.
"I'm less angry." I said when the last person finished and people seemed surprised that I would talk
"Why?" Another guy asked, Robert tried to let us lead them ourselves and only would talk when he felt it necessary
"Because I realized that breaking down because of these things isn't a weakness. The more closed off you are the harder it is to make it through it all. The more open you are to change and the more you accept what you've been going through the more it helps. Talking is good." I said, and I think that's the most they heard me talk.
"How do you feel about going into the next step? A girl I knew to be named Riley asked me
"I don't know. Anger is easier, you can break things and scream and sure you feel a million emotions inside of you but the biggest is anger and I've gotten used to that, but bargaining I think will be worse. I feel like it's back tracking to when you first get in here, some people want drugs again and say they won't abuse them anymore. For some people it brings up family issues, friends, relationships. It just seems like it brings up bad memories."
"Do you know why it's a good stage?" Robert asked and I shook my head
"Because at the end of it you realize that you really don't need those drugs that you thought you needed. You realize how much you appreciate the people that were in your life and you don't want to lose them again, you want to be better. You know that but at the same time you know you can't have them back, you then go through depression before you really realize that you're ready to most past all that negativity and into a new part of your life."
"But what if you can't do it on your own?" I asked
"We don't kick you out as soon as you hit acceptance, we get you comfortable with moving out, help you figure out who can help you and that you can do it. If you struggle you can always call someone like Kylie or me in here or come for a visit. Sometimes if it's allowed you can visit old friends who helped you and they can give you a little strength from the inside."
"And you can keep in touch with people who left before you." I added, which was a drastically different statement from the first one I made in group.
"Yes." Robert agreed and I don't know why, but I felt lighter somehow like I just worked through a hard problem and won, but I don't know what the problem or answer is in this case.
Robert brought up some other topics that we all put input into, and then we were done. For the first time I left group not feeling angry. I went to Julian's room and knocked on the door with no answer so I just went in.
"What do you want?" He asked and he looked over at me briefly and then away. I walked over and despite his protests I put on Beauty and The Beast and crawled into bed with him.
At night he holds me against his side and I lay my head on his chest, but this guy over a foot taller than me and was like twice my size put his head on my stomach and held onto me like I was his childhood teddy bear he was terrified to lose.
"Can you forgive me for the person I used to be?" he asked out of the blue and I slowed my fingers that had been running through his hair and looked down at him.
"Of course, why wouldn't I?" I asked him
"I've made so many mistakes, I don't even know how many people I've slept with Bailey, I don't know! I don't know most of the names of the ones I do remember, and I'm disgusted with myself that there are so many that I can remember. There was a time when I held onto the values that you do, and then I started doing cocaine and it was all just gone." He said
"It's going to be okay." I whispered to him
"No it's not, I just want to go back and take it all back, I just want to fix it all." he was moving into depression but a part of him was still bargaining for his past, to take it back.
"I think everything happens for a reason." I whispered and he pushed up and started pacing angrily.
"Why? What is the point to this?" he asked
"I met you and Lacey because of it. You'll grow from this Julian, it will help you one day, it will show you that you can get past anything and be stronger. You are stronger than the addiction." That was a big saying here.
You are stronger than your addiction.
It was hard to help each other sometimes, you had to take all your feelings and just bottle them while you helped someone else, I did it for Lacey and I do it for him.
You need to motivate them and be stern but caring; you need to tell them things are going to be okay when you don't even believe it yourself. I don't know what the purpose to this all is any more than he does. I don't know what our futures hold and I don't know if he'll look back on this and feel acceptance and know he can beat anything else. I don't know any of that and I have no idea how I'm going to get through all of this either, but for him I needed to believe everything I was saying.
I was determined to be there for him even when he pushed me away just like he was for me.
"You have me, Julian. I'm here for you, I'm always here for you." I told him and he stopped pacing and cried. I know he hated crying but I had gotten used to it, it was refreshing seeing that he was human too.
I didn't like that he was so broken but it made him seem more approachable. Before he just knew what he was doing and had this mask on and I felt like I was the only one who felt this way, how could he just sit there and say things would be okay when he didn't know, but holding onto him right now, I know that he knows just as well as anyone
He's not unbreakable and untouchable; he's not perfect and he doesn't know everything. He has doubts and fears; he's just as terrified as I am, as we all are here.