1. Perception does not equal reality
Imagine a pond filled with water. At first it is crystal clear. That's our view of the world starting out. But over time as muddy water gets added and the pond stirred up, the water becomes less clear. That's our brain and view of the world as we get older and the mud represents our experiences, both good and bad, getting mixed into our pond. They naturally cloud our view over time. We don't see things clearly even though we think we do. And that's true for everyone. We base our opinions on what we've learned in the past, of course! But that means our perception is always clouded by our experiences.
What we think about ourselves and who we really are do not always match. Actually, rarely do we have an accurate view of ourselves or reality! I may think I'm fat but to someone who weighs 50 pounds more than me, I'm thin. So how do we know who or what is right? You and I can look at the same thing and see two different things, just like the number 9 (or 6) painted on the ground. Our brains make sense of life based on our senses, our knowledge and our past experiences. But what we think and know to be true may not be accurate. The question is, how do we see the world clearly?
Only babies have clean slates absorbing everything. The rest of us have things we've learned that help us make sense of the world but also muddy or skew our view of things towards what we already know. That's how we learn to connect things. But, our perception or view of everything is always tilted towards what we think already, not necessarily what is right or accurate.
Imagine seeing the world thru clear water in a glass -- that's how babies and kids see things, clearly how they are, without any bias. Now imagine that same glass but seeing the world thru our clouded experiences in life (breakups, heart aches, people who have wronged us, lost loves, past hurts, etc.). That's how adults see the world after years of experiences clouding our vision. And it doesn't always have to be bad experiences. Good and bad experiences change our view of the world. If I try pizza and like it, then I think all pizza is good! (not true - there are bad pizzas but my skewed perception now is pizza is good because the first one I tasted I liked). So none of us see reality accurately. We always see thru the muddied waters of our past experiences, good and bad. Our clouded vision of reality can and does alter our view of ourselves too. The question is, what do we do about that? What's real?
2. True perspective of reality
If I put you in a dark tunnel and kept you there (or worse, if you kept yourself there), you would think the world is a dark place because that's all you can see. But that is not the truth. The world is not all dark. Our perception of reality may not be actual reality. If I take you out of the tunnel, you will see the world is actually quite bright. That's what's real, but you couldn't see that while you were inside your tunnel. Do you ever have tunnel vision about your life?
The problem is, we can only make decisions based upon what we see and know from our own experiences. And the truth is, what we believe 100% to be real, may be real only to us in our minds. Our perception is our reality, but it may not be accurate.
So if our own skewed perception and feelings determine our beliefs and our beliefs determine how we act, how do we change that to get a clearer picture and gain a wider perspective of what is real?
We have to get outside of ourselves somehow, get feedback from others, see things from a different angle or position, try to expand our view and do something different, to be more child-like and have an open mind. I remember being told once, when taking photos "think of the eagle and the mouse". Don't just shoot pictures from where your head is now. Get up as high as you can and see what you can see, and get down as low as you can to see what it looks like down there.
Changing your perspective can yield new visions and great pictures we never would have seen if we didn't look at things differently.
So here's what I've learned so far: See people who are less fortunate. Take a broader view of your life in this world. Staying stuck by only seeing what's right in front of you, looking at the same view all the time, ensures you get the same result. Change your perspective. Get outside of your limited self view. Do something different than you normally would and get outside of your own tunnel vision!
3. Just because you can't see something, doesn't mean it's not there for you! Or better put: there's more in this world for you than you can see right now!
So our perception is what is real to us, but not necessarily what is real -- our perception is simply our reality. But we make our decisions based on our reality, so we make decisions based on muddy thinking. And that's true for all of us!
Here's what I think. As long as you know that we all have a skewed perception of reality, we can be more accepting and understanding of other people, and even more gentle with ourselves. When we think we are "right" about something, often it turns out either we're not completely right or maybe we're even completely wrong! I know that's true for me, a lot. It may be we just have a different perception based on what we see and know.
When you think you are 100% certain you are right about something, realize that your certainty is only based upon your perception and your life experiences. What you think is "right" may not be right at all!
4. Value in others
Here's another example I find curious. I feel I'm a piece of sh*t most of the time, but I never feel that way about anybody else. And I think everyone is like that -- we are far more critical of ourselves than other people are. When people tell me they feel worthless, I can always find value in them. And I truly find something I value about them that they may not believe or see in themselves. Isn't it strange how we can see value in other people even when we can't see value in ourselves? You may not like yourself but you probably think your best friend is wonderful, and your best friend probably thinks you are wonderful. So, if I think I'm a piece of sh*t but other people do not, who's right? We both can't be right.
How I feel is my perception of reality and determines how I will behave. My feelings control what I believe about the world. If I don't feel I look good, it doesn't matter what anybody else says. If I don't feel I can do it, I won't. Our mind is very powerful. What your mind focuses on is how you see the world.
So how do I change how I feel so I can change my beliefs about myself and how I see the world? I think that may be the key question to explore (see my chapter The Law of Attraction). I don't have all the answers right now, but at least knowing we all have a clouded view of reality, maybe we can be more gentle and loving towards ourselves, and each other?