Nudity, Sexuality and Relationships

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Here's a topic I am fascinated with every day. And it's something that constantly baffles me — my own sex drive and all the things I will do to try to feel good, feel connected, feel like I belong with someone. Currently for me sex and nudity is a constant source of frustration, sadness, longing and desire. There are things that I wish for so hard, I would literally do anything I could to make them happen.

Why am I so driven for so few seconds of release - an orgasm? Why is nature like that too? Don't mess with any dangerous animals during their mating season or else! Fortunately or unfortunately for us, mating season for people is never ending. And so it is true for me to want to connect and orgasm with someone who wants me just as much as I want her. My greatest basest fantasy right now in life is to find somebody who loves nudity as much as I do and who wants to get naked all the time and get off with me. In that fantasy I would connect with somebody who lusts after me as much as I lust after her.  But in a way, don't we all want that?  To be desired like crazy?  But there is also a difference between sex and relationships.  Ideally you would have both together, but you can have one without the other. 

When it comes to relationships, I am the worst. I'm not going to even pretend to give relationship advice here except to say that deep sexual satisfaction comes from sharing with and connecting with someone else you are close to. How to relate and sustain a relationship with someone for any duration is a mystery to me as I've failed more than once. I will say that in my experience there's two things I know for sure: 1) you can't control what the other person thinks or feels (so don't ever assume that person should know what you are thinking or feeling either! Just because you are in a close relationship doesn't mean they can read your mind) and 2) communication is the only way to possibly make a relationship last. Lack of communication — pulling away, not telling the other person what is really going in inside of you, closing yourself off, etc — ends relationships. Period.

Now of course there's a ton more to say about relationships but I'll leave that to people far smarter than I am to discuss in their books or in the comments on here. I don't know how to make relationships work. I think I'm being loving when in reality I'm being selfish most of the time.  Plus my sexual desire often gets in the way.  I'm always going overboard with what I want and that is selfish.  Add together all of the emotions and feelings I have on top of my never ending sex drive plus my fears and insecurities, and you have one giant mess!

What I've said before that kills me most when relationships end (besides the horrible feeling of rejection) is the lost potential — the things that could have been with this person that will never happen now. Imagining what was possible and then realizing that is likely gone forever perhaps makes me saddest.

I wish for so many things and I have a very hard time when people leave my life, but people leaving my life happens to me a lot for some reason. I need to explore that. There are some good legitimate reasons people leave me — distance, finding someone else, I'm annoying. But it all still hurts. It's really hard to avoid feeling worthless when somebody close to you leaves. (see my chapter on Emotional Maturity)

Lastly, I want to finish this chapter where I started, talking about sexuality. Like I said, I am baffled by my own sexuality. My own behaviors, actions and desires, things that turn me on, things that turn other people on, all fascinate me. I am almost singularly interested in this topic and all things related to sex and what that means for people in their lives. I always am curious and interested in talking about that and mostly it is because I don't understand it myself. Sexual desire is the strongest behavior modifier I know. I will do things and say things when sexually turned on that are embarrassing, shameful, and astounding in the light of day. And I think that might be true for a lot of people. We all are sexual but there's so much shame and secrecy surrounding it for some reason in this world. Most of us pretend like "that's not me! I don't have a Daddy kink" or "I don't want to be spanked" or "I don't want to be dominated" But I can tell from the volume of stories about all three of these topics, a lot of us do! Sex is quite confusing and baffling but always there, and it's natural. So how or why don't more people embrace it and explore it?

I know this: when a guy cums, particularly after masturbating, it's easy to feel immediate guilt and shame, like someone just turned the lights on in a dark room, and all of the passion and sexual desire disappear almost instantly and you think to yourself, what the hell did I just do? Pay attention to how a guy acts immediately after cumming. You'll see what I mean.  All the sexual desire goes right out of him.  With each squirt, he is literally drained.  It's like a switch turning sexual desire off.  But prior to that? Oh my, we guys will do just about anything for that!  Isn't that crazy?

So continuing the thread of this book's topic - what's wrong with me and why do I feel worthless - it's very easy to point to my sexuality as something that is wrong or not normal. I don't know if that's true and I have no idea what normal is when it comes to sexual things (see my chapter on My Personal Sexual Story). But I'm super interested in talking about all things sexual and very open to trying to figure this out! Do any of you feel this way? Do people leave you because of it or do you feel bad about your sexuality or sexual things? Any insights or comments would be greatly appreciated!

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