(Gavin)
"Dad, I'm graduating this Friday." I tell him, standing in his room. Seeking his attention for a minute, even a second in my life and not be ignored. "I was thinking maybe if you want we can go to dinner after. Just you and I?"
"Yeah that's nice." he mumbles laying in bed half asleep as another day is wasted.
I know he didn't hear a word I said. He doesn't know what I'm talking about. He never does when he hasn't listened for as long as I can remember.
No amount of trying to reach out to him, gain his attention, has worked. To no avail I've tried to have a relationship with him. Pleading with my father to let me visit my dad during the week despite being told I should give up already.
My grandma told me at a young age before she died there's no helping my dad. He was gone and messed up the day he left to meet someone online but I don't want to believe her. I want to see he's been through stuff in his life but he can pull through. He isn't always going to remain in this dark place but I'm struggling to hold onto such a big wish.
"I was thinking of visiting Jayden." I decide to tell him and it's this that grabs his attention.
"What?" he becomes alert and coherent at the mention of my older brother I've never met.
Sitting up I see his tired eyes questioning my intentions and this need to meet him. I'm turning eighteen shortly after I gradutate and after all the years and stories I've heard I think it's time. I want to know the person whose turned our lives upside down before I was born. "I said after I graduated I was thinking of visiting him. I figure why not right? You get to write letters and I only know how he's doing through you."
"That's months away." he replies without realizing how much time has gone by since my last visit with him.
"Days away dad." I remind him.
At this point in life I'm not going to be upset. I have no reason to be when this shouldn't be a surprise to me. He's forgotten what day it is. He doesn't know what month we are in when he's too involved in people locked away rather than concern himself with his son on the outside whose done everything to get his attention.
"What's today?" he asks getting up from bed.
"Three days away from my gradutation and a week from my birthday." Proof in point he didn't hear a word I said about going out to eat on Friday and now he's pulling away. Slipping from my grasp though I never held him tight enough to stay and not leave me in the mist.
"I thought- I have to go."
"Go where?" I lied I am upset. I'm hurting at his sudden need to abandon me like he did when I was younger and through out my life. He's tossed me to my grandparents, my other dad and everyone else to look after.
Jayden has always been more important in his eyes for him to want to save while I'm left behind. Alone. Wondering is it wrong to hate someone I don't know. Envy someone locked away for his crime.
"To see a friend." he says in a rush to get his shoes on. He doesn't bother changing his clothes and trying to present himself as decent but I guess appearances haven't concerned my dad for years.
In my dad's eyes he isn't good enough. He's not perfect in my grandma's eyes even after she's gone. Never worthy of anything after Jared and what Jayden did.