{Jahmir}
Numb. I feel numb.
What I once built up the nerves to do, I now can't. Kaelynn stopped me before I could end my own life.
Deep down I know I probably wouldn't do it anyway though. But I was so so close. It's just, the fear of the unknown. As much as grandma tried to instil her religious beliefs in me, I still don't know if God exists. The only people who truly know are the people who have already died. What if there is nothing after we die? What if our souls are simply vanished? With what I was planning to do, there is no way I would go to Heaven anyway. That is, if there is a Heaven.
There was something she told me. That was to never give up. Later in life, she told me that moving on is perfectly fine. Doesn't mean you've given up. It only means that you're choosing yourself.
My plan is set in stone. When I turn eighteen, I'm leaving. I have some money saved up. I'm gone. I want to leave now, but I can't do Kaelynn like that. Not right now. She is just starting to find happiness in life. She is progressing, and I would hate to take that away from her.
Speaking of her, she showed me a side of her that I haven't seen in a really long time. She is genuinely worried about her sister. I could just sit here feeling sorry for myself, but that won't help me at all. It won't help Kaelynn or Mikayla either.
On my way out the door, I sent Mikayla a few texts.
Me:
Hey big head 👀👀 Wanna casually hang out at ten at night?
Me:
Want some food? My treat. You can even pick the restaurant.
Me:
So how's the umm deberes coming along?
Me:
Foreal KayKay. We are all worried about you. ALL! That includes Kaelynn of all people. I have no idea where she is right now, because she is out looking for you. We just want to make sure you're okay.
Me:
If you really love me, you will meet me at our secret hiding spot.
Just like with Kaelynn, Mikayla and I found our own secret place. Kaelynn used to be so mean to her. I just wanted to make her feel wanted and loved, so we went exploring one day. We found an area a few miles from where we live. It's a pavillion that has two picnic tables under it. A few feet from that, there's a lake. It's located in a weird place.
I put my phone away to focus on driving. I don't see how some people feel comfortable texting and driving. Anything anybody has to say can't be so important that I'd risk my life. It just takes one split second to have a fatal accident. Even though it's late, I'm sure there are still some fucked up driver's on the road right now. Not only do I have to drive for myself, I have to drive for others as well. I was taught that when I first started learning how to drive.
With my music turned down low, I drove to the place. My phone lit up a few times, so hopefully Mikayla texted me back.
Within twenty minutes, I was parked in front of the pavillion. I checked my phone before getting out.
Janine:
JAHMIR! PLEASE TELL ME YOU ARE STILL UP!
That's strange. I wonder why she put it in all caps like that. I hardly even remember giving her my number, but I guess I did.
Me:
Yeah, wassup?
I got out my car then went over to a picnic table and sat on top of it. It's a little creepy out here at night, but there are a few streetlights nearby.
Janine:
Our grandparents are planning to go to Vegas and get married. We need to go stop them.
The question is, can they be stopped? I never realized the depth of my grandfather's loneliness until this woman came around. He would literally do anything to keep Ellen. Even if it means turning his back on me.
Janine:
Ever been to Vegas? From the note GMA left me, it looks like they are going soon. Soon could be tonight.
Las Vegas is where I spent the first few years of my life. My mind has been made up for a long time. I'm never going back there. The worst day of my life happened there. I've had plenty of bad days after that, but I still don't want to go back. Never. Too many memories. Too much hurt.
Me:
I have school and I don't care what they do. I'm never going to Vegas. Never.
Not wanting to continue the conversation, I put my phone away. All I had was silence and my thoughts. A horrid combinations. It's good to not be careless, but I do wish that I was more carefree. I wish I could escape the depths of my own mind.
Minutes turned into a half hour. A half hour turned to a whole hour. I waited around a little bit longer, until I started getting tired.
I went back to my car and got in. Something in my mind told me to wait a little longer, so that's what I did. Soon enough, Mikayla appeared behind the pavillion. She was looking around, so I turned on my car. The lights caught her attention and she came and got in.
"I knew you loved me!" I chuckled then gave her a quick hug. I let her go when I realized she didn't hug back.
"So you were bluffing about the food?" She frowned. "Jay who play like that?"
"Nigga you didn't say what you wanted." I shrugged. "But you know you have a lot of explaining to do, right?"
She looked terrified. There are two things I can think of that might be wrong with her. I don't really think she is capable of killing someone though. But who knows?
"Umm. I umm. Went to another friend's house? And didn't have any signal?"
"Yeah, I believe that. You would be somewhere where you can't use your phone. Sounds about right."
She started smiling. Clearly she neglected the sarcasm there.
"Not!" The smile faded away. "Your parents have been freaking out. Girl you even have Kaelynn worried. You know how she is. You should consider yourself very special."
"They won't care about me when they find out what I've done."
She is starting to worry me. Should I be kicking her out my car and getting rid of her fingerprints?
"Did you commit a crime?"
She shook her head no. I was relieved. That could only mean one other thing. At least in my mind it does.
"So... what is it?"
"If I tell you, you have to promise to not tell anybody. I need to get this off my chest."
I'm not sure if that's a promise I can keep. It could be something very serious. Her parents are going to question her anyway. She can't avoid or hide it forever.
"I'll try."
"No, pinky promise!"
I raised my pinky to her. When she tried to wrap hers around, I bent mind down.
"Jay!"
"Okay, fine."
We did the stupid, childish pinky thing. She then deeply exhaled and took her hoodie off. One of my eyebrows slightly raised. Is the big secret that she changed her hair?
"Long story short, I went to see Mary Cullens. But, I couldn't do it when I got there. Before she could lay a finger on me, I got up and ran away. Never looking back."
I was expecting her to continue, but she didn't.
"Umm... call me stupid, but I still don't understand. Who is this Mary person?"
Again, she deeply exhaled. I clutched my chest when she raised her shirt. There I see a very small, but very visible baby bump.