15 March 1666 (the 'Ides of March', supposedly.)
Half-Six in the Evening
It is nearly spring now; the "Vernal Equinox" will be here in fiyve days' time, according to Uncle Deus, and I look forward to the upcoming weather including the return of so many animals who will come out after hibernating all winter. To-day he and I went out to observe Nature. I liked it there, in Bourne Wood. It's peaceful, quiet and this calms me. Every time Sarah is mentioned, I squirm un-comfortably and hope no one notices. There I can be safe from a life that is coming at me without a conceivable way to stop it. Things always go much better with my uncle...
It was an almost-springtime afternoon. Even though Will had a light breeze of tepid wind to contend with, he still felt comforted by all the nature around him.
The woods near the Wey River were vast in height, and sprawled beneath their feet. Roots and crumpled leaves from the previous fall mixed with the fresh earth. Birds were bravely tweeting to each other after so long at rest. The spindly tree branches sported a few green leaves, brazenly stretching out to grasp a ray of the sun as it shone down from far overhead. They would bud soon enough, and grow strong. Spring was a blessed time of renewal.
Uncle Deus had been showing Will plants, small animals and bugs he'd studied. The moist soil squashed beneath their shoes. The rich earth cast a strong, invigorating aroma. The early afternoon sun in March was peeking at them from cloud to cloud, with some direct shine in-between. The rapidly melting slush was a sure sign of better weather yet to come.
"How are things going at the Royal Society?" Will asked Uncle Deus as they walked along.
"Splendid." he replied proudly. "Did I ever tell you of the publication we finally put out last spring? It was almost a year ago, in fact."
"You mentioned it, but tell me more."
"It's called The Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society. It had various subjects, like a spot on Jupiter's belt, the use of optic glasses, and how to transfuse blood from one animal to another! As you know, I primarily study the stars and planets, so the one on Jupiter was fascinating! I don't know when they'll have another one yet, but there's talk of doing one on mathematics, although I admit to not being very good at it. I honestly think your sister is better at it than I am." He added with a smile.
"While I focus on natural philosophy, I want to study humans more; including their insides. We don't really know what makes us ill or well, but I would want to find out. I can't begin to imagine what a doctor must need now; the Plague is horrifying beyond words. I told everyone at the Society that we need to make a Medical report, but there have been disputes over theories on the transition of the Plague."
"And the devoutly religious have nothing better to offer." the older man scoffed as he leaned against a tree, arms folded.
"They claim it is deserved by whomever gets it and the cause is "naughtiness" and "wickedness". That doesn't sound like a 5 year-old girl to me. To make matters worse, they oppose studying human bodies. A 'desecration' they call it."
The pair stopped walking and rested for a few moments. Will found a patch of soft moss on a large, flat rock and drank from a leather costrel full of water. His Uncle found a trio of logs almost stacked together, thus suitable to drape his thin frame on. He leaned back, hands behind his head as he stared at the sky, continuing their conversation.
"I've thought about that." Will replied, handing the water to his Uncle. "Not about illness, but about morality: we don't know why we make good or bad choices." he paused, deep in thought. "I know that doesn't seem like a terribly important thing, but why we do things that are good or bad could help us understand why people are cruel or kind. And that affects everyone."
Will sat up and faced his Uncle. "Free will is supposed to be a good thing, but it gives us chances to commit misdeeds of cruelty."
He picked up a white flower he'd noticed under a crumpled leaf, and slowly peeled the lifeless petals back as he mused.
"Look at the war; wasn't most of it about how the country should be run? Why kill fellow citizens--fellow humans--instead of talking to them about it? Wouldn't they have to do that afterwards anyway?" the outer layers of the flower were stained with dirt, and he couldn't brush it all off, so he pulled off the dirty petals, one by one.
"All that unneeded violence, happening right here in Farnham; different groups holding up the castle every few years. I know it ended when I was little, but I still take issue with it." he mused.
The next layer of delicate petals were a dingy, greyish white.
"I mean, they say the Roundheads 'won' but really, in the end, thousands of people died. How can you claim you've won, but mostly you just killed people you disagreed with?" the innermost layers were bright white, but still limp, unable to bud new life.
"War is its own kind of righteousness. There are times when it's justified and times when it isn't." Uncle Deus explained. "Each war is different. No one was agreeing about how things should be done and it didn't seem like there wasn't any other way to change things without fighting. Fights are painful, but sometimes conflict can make change, and people can find a way to agree after all is said and done."
"All that effort, just to understand each other better."
Will frowned. He couldn't think of a single situation where his parents would be willing to try and understand he didn't want the things they'd chosen for him. He could imagine a fight, but no good result coming from it. "Maybe humans are too complicated."
Will looked past his Uncle, and noticed a blue-jay twittering as it looked around, perched on a nearby tree branch. "I think I'd like to be a bird."
His uncle raised his eyebrows, surprised. "Why?"
"Well, they have so much freedom. They go where they want, whenever they want. They find any food they like, but they always have their nests and mates and young to return to. They're just leading simple, free lives."
"Are you envious at this?" he stared very intently at his nephew. What would make Will feel that way?
"Perhaps. But uncle," Will continued. "Not all animals seem that free. That bee's nest we passed by over there." he pointed to a large, yellow hive which was hanging on a thick branch, dozens of bees buzzing around it. "The bees seem to only hover around their hive. What exactly do they do all day? And why do they buzz so?"
"That's the noise of their tiny little wings. It naturally sounds when they're flying, and it helps them bring pollen to each flower. Quite useful, really. As for their daily lives, it depends on the type, but they mostly pollinate flowers, create delicious honey for their Queen, and sting people when they're not looking." he poked him, wearing a joyful smirk.
Unfortunately, his quip was lost on Will. He was still focused on the hive. They looked bound to their home.
"So all the bees do the same thing?" He gingerly asked.
"Yes."
"Can they choose to do something different?"
"Not particularly. They can't think like we can. They don't make choices, they go on instinct."
"Why do they stay at their hive?"
"It's in their nature to stay close to home."
"I think I know how they feel."
"Really?"
"My parents take care of me, but they're expecting me to do what they do. And..."
"Yes?" Uncle Dues asked patiently.
"...I don't know if I want what they want. And I don't think I have much of a choice in it." he sighed.
"Well, just remember, you may not have the freedom of a blue-jay, but you've got more of a mind than those honeybees. And you've got a much bigger world waiting for you than just...making honey."
"Or money." Will deadpanned.
"So clever!" his uncle proudly said, clapping his shoulder in lighthearted affection.
He looked over wearing a relieved, fond smile. "Thank you."
At this, they arose, and calmly spend the rest of their afternoon in the woods, looking at every tree trunk and each type of flower.
Somehow, being surrounded by nature made Will extremely at ease with his life.
~*~
"It was really nice." he told Augustus later that day, as he was replacing his journal on his desk. "We just spent the whole afternoon roaming around in the woods. It's always been...comfortable there." he crossed the room and sat next to Augustus.
"Remember when we used to go there?" Augustus asked.
"Yes. We should go back when it's warmer." Will suggested. "In a week or two, we might even be able to swim again."
Augustus smiled. "I'd love to."
As they went on talking, Will was listening closely and suddenly, he was idly running his thumb over Augustus's hand without even realizing it. At his touch, Augustus moved his hand slightly.
"Sorry," Will hurriedly said, snapping back to reality, drawing his hand back in regret.
"It's...fine."
Those words hit Will very hard, and he could see he didn't mean it. Augustus wasn't even willing to look at him right now. He'd made him totally uncomfortable!
Will shrank back, anxiety seizing his mind. He'd gotten too close, just like he'd been worrying about for weeks!
"I....I...promised Lily I'd help her with something." He lied, stammering.
"It's getting late, anyway." Augustus mumbled.
Will clamored downstairs, furious at himself the whole time. He couldn't do that! He had to be more careful!
He stumbled out of the house as fast as he could and slumped down on the front steps, relieved to be alone. Once he was by himself, his anxiety started to retract.
His breath was shallow and painful, his heart strained each rapid beat. He looked at the world around him, and any comfort of nature seemed to disappear in the night.
His view of the early spring night was fractured, he went dizzy. But despite the dark sky, greenery from their trees in the front yard were just beginning to push through and stand out. There were few clouds. Most of the stars were appropriately dull, fading weakly into the darkness.
Had he been noticing his surroundings as he left the house, he might have seen Uncle Deus, who was watching Will as he rushed past.
Uncle Deus looked out the window of the solarium and saw Will huddled on the front step, clearly upset. He wasn't sure if he should step in. He decided to give Will the time he needed, but to keep an eye on him.
Something wasn't right, and he couldn't quite grasp what was going on with his nephew. He had been acting so tensely.
This was very different than when he'd visited for Augustus's birthday. Will seemed positively content then. And what of his parents deciding his life for him? Did something happen with their plans concerning Sarah?
Outside, Will was completely lost in his own thoughts. He loved spending time with Augustus, but he felt like he was constantly walking on eggshells; afraid of what he would say or do. And he couldn't seem to stop himself.
At first he thought maybe he should go back in and apologise, but he lost his nerve and didn't even have the composure to reenter the house. Wrapped up in regret, he spent over twenty minutes anxiously pacing, turning his regret over and over again in his mind.
Why did he do that?! It wasn't a grave faux-pas, just a small, awkward moment. But he so desperately wished he could erase it. It was totally inappropriate!
Making matters worse, that tiny affection was nothing compared to what he really want to do to Augustus. If only they were together...
No. He harshly reminded himself.
That would never happen. Even if Augustus wanted to--he obviously never would--even if they were both willing, it would still be wrong! He couldn't seem to escape his feelings. They found ways to rise to the surface, despite his best efforts. Augustus was off-limits and he would just have to accept that.
The back-and-forth nature of his feelings were exhausting. He admired Augustus in many ways. He was very clever and insightful. While he had no formal education, he would certainly excel at one.
And he had been such a good friend for years. They played as children, spending countless hours together as they both grew and learned about life. Then when they were older, Augustus's sensitive nature kept him honest, open-minded, and understanding.
But Will knew it was not only his mind, personality or virtues. He couldn't deny that there was now a physical interest. He was gorgeous! This particular feeling was the best and worst of them--whenever it felt enjoyable, it was followed by a crushing, tormenting sense of guilt. Finding ways to dreamily notice his bright eyes or enticing figure was so easy and fun, but the guilt was always nipping at his heels.
His embarrassment won out, and he spent nearly two hours outside, waiting to ensure Augustus had gone to bed. A perfectly lovely evening was now ruined, and it was all his fault.
~*~
16 March 1666
Quarter-to-One in the Morning
Very frustrated. I never write this late, but I am un-sure of what I can do. I must be more carefull!! I want to be closer to him, but at the same time, I'm scared to be alone with him. Tonight was a close call. He must've felt awfull for me and I've gone and embarrassed myself and him, during idle talking. What makes someone act like this towards someone else? Where does attraction come from? What makes people do as they do? Why do I kepe doing this?
I am at a loss; I still have few answers and more feelings than I know what to do with. And they're getting worse; my dream was only the beginning. How am I supposed to handle this?! I already know it's wrong...what do I do?
Usually, these kinds of feelings are made to seem innocent when they are said to be a longing for 'romance'. It's a nice thought, but not accurate for people my age. How am I supposed to ignore such strong, serious feelings? I don't think anyone of a marrying age (like mine,) would want romance without a sensual aspect of some kind. I can-not beare this alone; yet it seems as though I must.
Why can't I just be a blue-jay and flitter away whenever I want, only re-turn when I please? I flew from him as fast as I could, too scared of his reaction.
Curse this night! The Ides have come, and they have used my own emotions to make actions betray me! Blasted universe, waiting to destroy me. I don't know what will stop me from this. Seems like nothing actually will. I hate self-pity, yet I sulked and chided myself out front, hoping him to be asleep when I got back.
I wonder what Uncle Deus is thinking, as he stays here tonight. Did the Ides come for him too? There is a moon phase change soon, and the sun is about to go from Pisces to Aries in a few day's time; Aries is a fire sign and the sensitive fish of Pisces has swam away; Aries have in-flamed my actions, and seeming-ly all for the worst. ~ W. Garnett
He sighed, and closed his journal, replacing it on his desk. He sat there for a moment, staring absentmindedly, wondering how he was going to keep ignoring his feelings. He finally curled up in bed, and tried to get some sleep. He didn't even want to look at Augustus
It hurt too much.
~*~
The next day, Will woke early, and was fixated on the prior evening's transgression, effortlessly blowing it out of proportion.
He debate internally: Should he pretend nothing happened, or apologise? He chose the latter. He'd already been hiding enough from Augustus lately, so perhaps this would help him feel at least a tiny piece of relief.
He went up to Augustus and forced himself to talk.
"A--about last night...I'm sorry. I was tired, not really thinking clearly and I--"
"It wasn't a problem at all." Augustus brightly assured him, shaking his head.
"Wait--really?" This was the absolute last thing Will expected to hear. He had at least four possible reactions from Augustus lined up, (all negative,) and each with their own separate apology at the ready.
Now, none of them made sense.
Will faltered; he hadn't imagined Augustus casually brushing it off without hard feelings. He had no response prepared for this, and hoped he didn't look too awkward.
"Really." Augustus encouraged. "You're fine." He put his hand on Will's shoulder. His warm smile melted away any remaining anxiety. He turned, and walked away.
Will watched him leave the room, shocked. He'd expected this ordeal to be an awkward, uncomfortable exchange. But no, Augustus faced it head-on, and with perfect ease. Will envied his lack of stress.
Augustus carefully evaluated his reply as he walked off. Yes, he told Will it was fine, and it was.
But he failed to tell Will that he had actually liked it, appreciated the small affection, but was too nervous to reply in kind. He had moved because he was actually contemplating holding his hand. But when Will pulled away, he realised it was a true accident.
Will didn't want to hold his hand, and he couldn't let on that he wanted to. So he attempted to brush it off, pretending his want for affection from Will simply didn't exist.
But if didn't take long for someone else to notice the attraction between them.
Shortly after lunch, Uncle Deus was drinking his newfangled "coffee" drink, and happened to watch the boys standing in the kitchen as they co-operated on food for the next meal.
Augustus was currently showing Will how to make a simple loaf of bread. This was part of their recent initiative to have Will lead a less sheltered life and learn more about the working class.
Uncle Deus was the only family member there. The boys had waited until Will's parents had gone into town (lest Margaret scoff at his working with 'the help'), and the girls had just gone outside to feed the animals. Uncle Deus casually looked at Will and Augustus, and noticed something quite unexpected:
They adored each other.
As a matchmaker, he had considerable experience with analyzing how people interact, and what it tends to mean. Body language is universal, and can't be hidden to a well-trained eye.
They stood closely, facing each other more than needed while standing on the same side of a nearby counter. One would make a humorous remark; the other would smile or laugh accordingly and both would use it as an excuse to make eye contact. He recognized the look on Will's face immediately.
As if to assure Uncle Deus it was mutual, Augustus began preening, pushing his hair back when it looked perfectly fine.
Their attraction looked strong, almost obvious. He knew he was witnessing something important; so he made a mental note of all he saw.
Just then, Augustus playfully tapped Will on the nose, resulting in a flour-y smudge, leading the other to jokingly shove him, as they both grinned wildly. They clearly didn't realise they were being flirtatious.
And if they didn't know they were doing so with each other, there was no possible way they knew anyone else would see it.
He started to become concerned, knowing that even though he had the most experience, surely others would start to notice the nature of their interaction after a while. Almost anyone really, given enough time and focus.
Will's parents.
His mind was now awash in worry. His brother and Margaret already had serious plans with Sarah, so what would they do if they noticed this? Will and Augustus did not seem to be in a relationship just yet, but if one were to develop, that would make it all the more obvious. Then they would know they had something to hide. But since neither noticed this at all, it was a concern.
He had noticed earlier in his visit Will didn't seem like himself, instead he was anxious and dissatisfied...his comments on the bee hive made so much sense now! Will clearly felt like his parents were leading his life. He was expected to fall in line with their plans, and he clearly had little interest in what was expected of him, and probably had no interest in Sarah! He suddenly felt very protective of Will.
After much internal debate, he decided the best thing for now would be to not interfere and let things happen on their own.