Song to the side
Carrie Underwood- I'll Stand by You
why you look so sad
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now
Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I’ve seen the dark side too
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Chapter Eighteen
| Winnie |
Back at school and nothing seem to change. Dmitri walked me to my first class, and waited for me after. He held my hand or wrapped his arm around my waist, and kept kissing my cheek every now and then. He wasn't afraid of what anyone was saying or whispering about. He didn't care and after my morning class, neither did I.
It wasn't until I went into the girl's locker room to collect my stuff, and empty my locker since I wasn't cheering anymore that those thoughts had finally set in.
I spotted Anna before walking in the room, but decided against coming back later since I had promised Lilly we would get a pizza after school. I figured she could use the distraction and Dmitri, Lacy and Alan were even going with us. So sucking it up, and holding my head high, I walked into the locker room and headed straight for my old locker.
It was sort of metaphoric in a way, cleaning out the locker of my old self. The person I thought I had to be in order to keep myself somewhat sane, now I was happy to leave all that behind and just be myself. Not the new me, but the real me. The one who didn't care what other people thought, or said about her. The me where I was loved by a great guy, and made some great friends. Friends I could be myself with, and they wouldn't judge.
"Well, well, well look who it is. You know, Kristin and I are team captains now, right? Sorry to say but we're currently not accepting try-outs. So why don't you go back to your nerd herd friends, Winnie."
I shake my head, and smile at the ridiculous attempt Anna tries to get a rise out of me with. I didn't have time for it, nor did I care. With the police reports and questioning, and Lillian, I was tired and not in the mood. And also there was a super-hot Russian waiting for me just outside the door that I couldn't wait to make-out with for the tenth time today.
"So how's Vikki, still trying to pretend we don't exist? I see her walk the other way when she spots me in the hall between classes. She apart of your loser squad too?" I continue to ignore her, and begin folding my gym clothes and placing them in my backpack.
"Oh, I see the silent treatment huh? Oh geez, Winifred you really got me with that one." She laughs as does some of the girls standing, and dressing to the side of her.
Kristin is next to me, slowly changing into her shorts readying for their practice, but I don't look at her. It was sad to say, but I had lost her too in my breakaway from the wrong crowd. After the whole fiasco with Calvin, Kristin once again distanced herself from me, and I figured it was only a matter of time before she chose sides. I knew I wouldn't win that one but I understood her choice. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do and although it sucks, it's okay. Hell, if I had a chance at a good school like Stanford I would probably be in her shoes too.
Although I don't think I would've chose them over my best friend.
"How's mother dearest, Winnie? Still boozing herself into oblivion and letting your step-daddy toss her around?" At this, I admit it gets me but I ignore it and slam the now empty locker shut ready to leave all this shit behind. "You know just cause you got Calvin expelled doesn't mean shit. His dad owns half the town what's some stupid little girl whose mother can't control her alcohol intake going to do to him?"
"He should've dumped you a long time ago. Don't worry though, he just brushed you off and got on with his life. He came to a real woman who could give him everything he needs."
I smile at her words, and turn to face her. Her snarky attitude was nothing to me, and she could talk about me all she wanted but my mother was a different story. I hated protecting Jana but when it came down to it, she was still my mother, and even though she wasn't a good one. It didn't give Anna the right to rub that in my face.
"Yeah, until he meets another "real woman" who can give him more. You think because he talked you into bed that he's going to stay loyal to you? Calvin is a bigger slut than you are." Her eyes darken, and she glares at me.
I didn't care though; in fact it boggles me why I ever did in the first place.
"You must be one miserable person to still be trying to ruin everyone else's lives. You know what's sad; you wasted all that time climbing the ladder of success by sleeping with just about every guy you had to in order to get to where you are. I didn't even have to flash one inch of skin to get to the top. All I had to do was agree to a date with your precious Calvin and bam; I was the bee's knees."
She scoffs, and folds her arms across her chest as every girl in this locker room is stunned silent. The truth hurt, that I learned the hard way and so would she.
"You know what's even sadder? After all that you said and every guy you did; you're just going to end up like some washed up girl. You're going to regret the people you wronged in your life and every morning you'll wake up this ugly person.
It's a shame really, you're a beautiful girl, Annamarie Baker; outside. Inside you're just some empty, no real feeling, scared little girl. Just some invisible being with nothing interesting about her but was once popular in high school. Your greatest achievement in life. No one's going to give a shit about your reputation in the real world, so have fun with that."
There, turning around and putting the strap of my backpack over my shoulder, I walked away from the stunned crowd and the quiet as ever Anna Bakeker.
~❈❈❈~
"She isn't herself..." The words float around as I watch Lillian sit on the couch and quietly watch cartoons.
I was worried. Since that day, two days ago she has not been herself. She slept with me every night since then, and when it's time for a bath I'm not allowed to leave the bathroom until she's done. And she always asks if Dmitri is going to be with us on our walks to and from school, even asking if he could stay overnight.
It's obvious to me that Lillian now has a different view of my mother, and has begun questioning her trust in her. I don't think I'm myself as well. School was okay because I had Dmitri by my side, but when he leaves for work I tend to float back into that ticking time bomb of losing myself in all that has happen recently and crying my eyes out.
He was right though, I had to be strong for Lillian. She still needed me to take care of her, and keep her safe from things like what had happen. The police even said we would need some time to get back to normal, but were we ever normal?
So I had to convince myself to save all the grief and sadness for later. One of us had to be strong, and I wouldn't burden Lillian when she's only a kid.
"It's going to take time, Uinni, he really scared her. She'll get there, if she's anything like her older sister, she'll get there." He squeezed my shoulder in comfort, and wraps an arm around my waist with his chin at the top of my head.
I don't know how or why, but I'm through questioning and trying to figure out how I ended up with this perfect boyfriend of mine. And I'm done worrying if this life of mine would cost me him.
~❈❈❈~
"And then when no one raised their hands, I did, so I get to bring Bob home again. Is that okay, Winnie?"
Two weeks from that day, and we haven't seen or heard from Lans. My mother isn't talking to me, and is gone before I wake up and home after I'm asleep. Lillian still won't go back in her bed but I'm just glad she's actually happy about something today.
"Yeah, that's fine. You can bring him home again." She smiles widely for the first time in a while, and it warms my heart.
Dmitri was hopefully right after all, and she would pull through with some time and reassurance from me. Dmitri walked us half way today because he had to get to the bookstore. So I had distracted Lillian's worry over what she had done at school for the day.
"Do you think Dmitri can help me take care of him again? I like when he helps, he knows a lot about turtles." I nod, and unlock the front door and then immediately slam it shut.
I glance to see if Alberta is home, and lock the front door again grabbing Lilly's hand and walking her next door. "Hey, Lilly, you know what I forgot something at school. I'm going to go get it real quick while you stay here with Alberta, okay?"
She stops walking as we're half way to the door, and I turn to meet her worried eyes. She blinks in total silence, waiting for me to tell her the truth but I don't want to right now. I couldn't, she was so happy a moment ago that I didn't want to smash her progress already.
"What?" I question as she let's my hand go, and looks down to the cement. "Lilly, hey, I'll be right back."
"You're lying, Winifred." I sigh.
I hear Alberta open her front door and glance at her; knowingly she nods and waits for Lillian at the door. "Lilly bear, I promise you I will be right back, okay?"
She doesn't look up to me, and I hate lying to her but I couldn't let her walk into that house with what I saw. I grab her chin, and get her to look at me. In my gaze there's nothing but assurance, she knew I would never let anything like that happen to her again, and that I was keeping us safe. Keeping her safe.
"I'll be right back, kid, ten minutes at the most." She nods, and then makes her way to Alberta.
As soon as the door closes, I wait to see Lillian look out the window as she always does when I leave her here. Sure enough after a long minute the curtain moves, and so I jog off into our yard.
As soon as I open the door, there she is; passed out right in front of the door. A puddle of what smelled to be scotch on the ground directly under her mouth.
"Shit." I curse, the next thing I know I'm picking up a bottle of whiskey, and the empty bottle of scotch then throwing them away.
"Mom, get up!" I say loudly. I move throughout the house quickly cleaning, and scanning for anything that might set Lillian off. "Mom!"
I make my rounds to each room, and all of them are clear. The kitchen had a bunch of dishes in them, and the smell of the liquor was strong since it was spilled on the carpet. I soak a dish towel in the sink, and ring it out ready to scrub the floor clean and put Jane to sleep in her room so the coast is clear to bring back Lillian.
Once the towel is ready I make my way out of the kitchen and into the living room, and then I stop. A few feet from my mother's body, the house is in total and completely silent. That fear, that what if thought courses through my mind. A flash of the first time I found her passed out in her room goes off, and I have to shake my head of it.
My breathing increases, my mind spins with is she or isn't she. My eyes stay on her move less body, I can't tell if she's breathing or if not. The fear rises, the lump in my throat large and increasingly difficult to swallow. My eyes still on her chest, and then they move to her hands and legs. I check if she's moving or even for a little twitch. But I can't tell, and it scares me more than anything.
I swallow back the fear that's trying to consume me. I stare for a second longer and try to talk myself out of the doubt, and panic that's swimming over me.
She's okay, Winnie. She's just passed out, Winnie. She's okay, just asleep, she's okay.
I swallow the lump in my throat, and close my eyes as I finally work up enough courage to check her pulse. My fingers shaky, and I almost forget to breathe. Once they make contact though I swallow the fear again, and concentrate on finding a pulse. I leave my fingers on her neck for a long amount of time, unsure if I feel anything or not. I take a deep breath and release, once again trying to get my head together.
I reach for my cell phone in my back pocket, and fumble with it with shaky hands. That lump now was hard to swallow. Trying to get my Winnie Bravado I dialed 911. "I need an ambulance, it's my mother!"
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Thoughts on this chapter? I have one more chapter to go and it will be the end for Winnie and her crazy life. Rebelling against popularity, and becoming a better person.
I don't know if I should write a sequel or not... let me know!
Also I did start a new story called The Broken Ones. It's only on it's first chapter, don't know if I should keep going or what, so it would be great if you all went to check it out.
Till then, I'll see how guys on the next update. Hope to hear lots of lovely stuff from you all. Remember, this story is a lot like real life. No happy endings for everybody. You never know though...