It's been over a month since I tried to commit suicide, I wasn't ready to tell anyone what I've done so David kept my secret. We told Amy he rushed me to the hospital because I passed out not from the cold but the lack of sleep. Most of all I didn't want to see the look on Sky's face when he knows what I've done.
I don't want him to see me as more of a broken sad girl that he needs to fix.
The first time I saw him was when I went down stairs for a glass of water at night and I saw him sitting in the dark staring at nothing. He was completely still and he didn't even notice me. There was a void in him, an emptiness that is growing and all I want to do is comfort him but there is something between us that is stopping me. I hesitate with him all the time, I question my actions and pull back because I know I'm just annoying him.
His eyes then snapped towards me for the first time and it was like he saw a ghost. The look in his eyes is something I can't forget. He didn't say anything instead he stood up and for a second I thought he would just ignore my presence the way I told him to do and I would do the same when I live here. He stopped right beside me inches away and his warm hand wrapped around my hand loosely.
I remember how my heart pounded loudly and how I looked up to him in hope he would say something. His touch so simple, so small that I felt overwhelmed and it went over my head over thinking things. He then gave me a broken sad smile that I never seen on his face and it had my stomach twisting painfully at the sight.
I remember those small words he said. "I'm glad you're home"
He left me standing there, the one that I love, the one I truly miss. He is the love I never knew and falling completely in love with a person who only pretended to love me. I think this is going to take a long time to get over him because every time I'm near him I crave for him and only him. There is still this lingering resentment I have, it's not hate I could never hate someone who saved me in many different ways. Even if the love was a lie for him he gave me true happiness.
It's graduation day and I stood among the crowd ready to line up, it's been a long day listening to speeches from people I don't care about. High school is just a daze that will be forgotten because my high school was never kind to me. It was all about who's the prettiest, who's the more athletic, who has fucked more girls in the school, who is the richest.
There is only two people that I care about in this school, well three if I'm being honest with myself because I will always care about Sky no matter what. Before the ceremony I spoke to Bonnie and Kyle.
Before the ceremony....
"Can you believe it we are going to graduate!" Bonnie is practically jumping up and down.
"I hate this high school so much but you two aren't that bad" Kyle complimented making me laugh along with Bonnie.
"I'm going to miss you guys" I muttered.
Bonnie put her hand through mine smiling softly, "You can still come with us to Colombia, you have one of the highest GPA you can get into any school you want."
"You still have time to pick over the break" Kyle nodded.
It was time to tell them my decision to leave this town and I don't think I'm coming back for a long time.
"After receiving my certificate I'm leaving this town, I'm going to my hotel and I'm not sure I will be coming back"
The look of surprise lit their entire face and a little confusion but I know underneath all of that they understand.
"I've thought about it alot and I think it's best for me to leave." '
I didn't want to be here and hate this town but the longer I am here, the longer I despise it. The streets I walk on, the ice cream shop around the corner where dad use to take me, the beach Tate and I use to go and stay, the coffee shop, the book store and even the mansion. I began to grow an uneasy form of dislike for all of them. Not because of the place itself but the memories that brings pain to each location. I know that maybe someday when I come back here I will miss it and I will learn to love this place again.
Right now I need to leave. To start fresh.
"You're not spending Christmas, Thanks Giving or even New Years here?" Bonnie sniffed and I see her getting emotional tears forming her eyes.
"Bonnie" I bit my lip to keep my emotions at bay.
She was the first one that knew about me harming myself and the fact that I haven't told her I tried to commit suicide is eating me up. I feel like guilt is trying to drown me every step of the way and for me to finally let every anger and sadness go I need to leave the place that gave it to me in the first place.
"I don't think I can" I smiled sadly. "But you can visit me you and Kyle you're always welcome in the hotel" I try to look at the bright side in this.
"When are you leaving?" Kyle rub Bonnie's back in a comforting motion.
"Right after I get my certificate."
"So soon? Why?" Kyle frowns.
"All I care about is watching my two best friends get their diploma, I don't care about the rest, I'm not going to sit there for two hours clapping and cheering the people that stood by or made my life here hell."
For a second they both looked at me and it looked like they were about to burst into tears and I held back a laugh. Then they both tackled me into a hug surprising me but smiled at their affection.
"Promise to call?" Bonnie cling onto me.
"I promise" I smiled softly.
"Promise to give me the heads up of the models staying at your hotel I'll come there straight away"
I laughed but laughed harder when Bonnie pulled and gave such murderous look towards Kyle. His amused smile dropped when he saw her cold glare. I chuckled at the obvious attraction they will never seem to get through their heads. I loop my arms around them and tug them along even though I can see Bonnie planning is funeral right about now.
"Let's go you two" I chuckled.
~~//~~//~~//~~
I stood there waiting for my turn seeing Kyle and Bonnie five places ahead, Bonnie always looking back as if to check on me. My eyes swarm over the sea of students wanting to get this over with. Teachers up on the stage clapping along and smiling, the principle shaking hands of each student that passed by.
Amy and David knows my decision to leave and they understood completely and David understanding more then anybody else. He knows how much I need this, to leave will be my peace of mind.
They didn't say goodbye all they did was hug me and tell me to keep safe and David made me vow to call them once a week or they will personally go there to see me. My heart warm seeing genuine care for me.
I couldn't tell Sky though. He was the one I can't face, I feel numb towards him and when I think about leaving him and not seeing him even though it hurts me at least he is here. It hurts to not touch him and be with him, it hurts to picture them together but he's still there for me to look at. The thought of not seeing him around the corner or inside his room reading or listening to his music makes me not want to leave.
I need him but he doesn't need me.
He has her now and seeing them with their hands together I feel like my heart constricted. Does he realize what he does to me? Does he know just one look from him could hurt me one day but the other days I crave for his eyes settle on me just once. I crave for that simple interaction and it's pathetic.
Saying goodbye to him to is like saying goodbye to all the love he gave me. I couldn't let him go, not entirely.
I'm doing him a favor anyway, I'm leaving and this is what he wants. He needs this and I need this. He'll be with Jessica and I'll find somebody new. I'm scared to never feel it again the idea of love seems too hard to believe and I have no high hopes for it.
With enough courage I looked back over my shoulder and my breath was taken away when I see his eyes is already focused on me. There is too many unspoken words between us, too many heartaches that we can't start the conversation. Looking back at his familiar eyes that haunts me every night makes me want to be back the night where I fell in love with him.
I still smell the rose scent of the bubble bath, the music bass drowning from our laughter and I can still feel his arms around me.
I wanted to smile at him, I wanted to say something but it was like I'm stuck and all I could do is stare at him. I wonder if he understands that if he says sorry, if he touch my hand I will forgive him in an instant. Does he realize how much I love him?
The name of Bonnie being called up snapped me out of our trance and almost regretfully I turn away and looked at Bonnie. She always carry her beauty with her effortlessly, her long blonde hair and blue eyes shine brightly. I can hear Kyle cheering her on the loudest making me grin always fond of their relationship. He whistled loudly and clap her eyes snapping at him giving him the biggest smile she could make. Her eyes then settled on me and she knew this was goodbye for now. She waved and press her hand on her chest telling me how much she loves me.
Kyle was next and Bonnie didn't really get off the stage waiting for him. He got his certificate, more like snatched it before running to Bonnie and lifting her up for a kiss. Everyone cheered and clapped at their public affection and I joined along. I know this is the first time they kissed and seeing the priceless look on Bonnie's gleeful face made me grin.
Both of them looked back at me Kyle winking proudly and I chuckled like a proud parent.
Teachers telling people to quieten down and to kindly get off the stage.
Students after students went on stage and before i knew it I was heading there too. I took my certificate and shook the principle's hand. I look over and saw Amy and David cheering and grinning making my heart warmed up at the sight. Before I even thought of what I'm doing I look over at Sky my heart pounding loudly.
He then caught me off guard with that small smile nodding at me softly and started clapping. It was enough for my heart to beat loudly that I forced myself to walk off the stage.
I took one last look at the people I will leave behind for now. Kyle and Bonnie smiling wildly at me then Amy and David wiping away Amy's tears before waving at me because they knew I'm leaving now.
I ignored everyone's watchful eyes realizing I wasn't about to take a seat with the rest of the students that continue to clap and wait until the end. I walked out of here with my head held high but when I heard his name being called I can't help but look back to watch him receive his certificate. Making me smile softly thinking of the nights he stressed because his grades went down because apparently I distracted him too much.
I looked away because I know the moment he catches my eyes I would change my mind about leaving.
I love him too much and that it's almost toxic so here I am finally leaving it all behind.