I swear to the King of Potatoes, I am sick.
I have a massive headache, I can't write if my life depended on it, the biggest word I can spell is like, tomato, and I can't find my glasses or my contacts so I'm blind and I really don't give a single solitary turd about anything.
I was so freaking tired this morning that I sat at my screen after my mom called the school saying I was sick, and started having a debate with myself whether 'Buchanan' was spelled with an E or an A. I was betting myself that it was spelled with an E because I thought I was a smart poo.
Spoiler: it was not spelled with an E and I was a dumb poo.
I also stared to bleed like a waterfall out of my woman potato while I was feeling like a had been hit by a truck so I couldn't just lay in my bed- I had to get up every four hours to change my noodle.
But hey, at least I'm not pregnant. It's not like I have a sex life, but thank you for reminding me I'm single, uterus.
I was also at Great Wolf Lodge this weekend and I am still worn out from riding all those stupid rides with those stupid 4000000000 steps and carrying the stupid inner tubes up those 4000000000 steps for a 5 second ride.
I am going to ignore the fun I had and instead complain and whine because I am a teenager and that's what teenagers do- or so I am told by Buzzfeed and social media.
I got three giraffes and named them Steve, Bucky, and Clint because my best friend's name is Sam and he would never let me live down the fact that I named my stuffed giraffe after him. Why must I have a friend who has the same name as Falcon, Nova, and like, every other superhero ever?
I can't even think of any more superheroes with the name Sam when usually I can name more than 10- I am so freaking sick and I hate it.
I'm also currently obsessed with Off To The Races, Scars To Your Beautiful, and Carmen, so I've been listening to those non-stop.
Anyway, now that I've updated you on my life, let's get into this chapter: Cliches. I knew I needed to have this chapter in this book, but when I was thinking of different ways to write it, I decided I'd go with this idea: take every single genre on Wattpad and write out the most popular cliche's from that genre.
So, without further introduction, here are all the genres on Wattpad and their cliches.
Action:
Survival. That's all I've ever known. I can't blame myself- I'm a girl who was abandoned at birth and learned how to shoot a gun at three months old. My mother and father were killed in front of my eyes. I killed my own brother to put him out of his pain and suffering. I am alone, and I shun anyone who could possibly care for me.
The people who killed my parents are after me now that I'm sixteen- and I'll find a boy my age along the journey of running who will be the only one I let love me for some unknown reason. This boy's face claim is Shawn Mendes. My face claim is Victoria Justice. This is my unique, never-been-done-before story.
Adventure:
I escaped my home for reasons I am to scared to talk about, in fear that they, the bad people, will hear. I am a blonde, short, skinny, and shy girl that can somehow take down an entire army of zombies without breaking into a sweat. Why- zombies, you ask? Yes, zombies.
This is it, the apocalypse.
And no, before you ask, I have never imagined a dragon.
Along the way of kicking zombie butt and getting to some sort of jungle somewhere where there's a gem that can stop all of the dead, I meet this super hot boy who's face claim is probably Grant Gustin or Chris Pratt. The zombies kill everyone except us. Also, we will make love in a tree, and end up saving the universe just in the nick of time. This is my unique, never-been-done-before story.
ChickLit:
"On Tuesdays we wear purple." It turns out the bad girls of the school are pretty nasty. I'm just a nerdy, ugly, annoying teenage girl who doesn't even know how to walk in heels. Thankfully, this really hot boy who's face claim is probably Dylan O'Brien dates the lead bad girl and may have a crush on me! He is conflicted if he should be bad or good. He helps me fit in.
After he kisses me and the bad girl sees this, this girl makes my life a living baloney sandwich and makes me break up with the kid because I can't defend myself. Oh, my best friend is gay. My name is Ashley, but my new hot boyfriend calls me Ash.
Classics:
This is a story about four sisters in the past: Ho, Jae, Meth, and Dog. Meth dies, Ho becomes a writer, Dog gets married to her next door neighbor, and Jae gets married to Ho's lover. This story is a classic and is not at all based off any story that is already written. This story is called Big Ladies, and this is a totally unique story.
Fanfiction:
I am a girl with brown hair, blue eyes, and I exist in a regular fictional world. I am involved with the villains of this fictional world and I am hired to kill the hero! Somehow, the hero finds a way to stop me from doing bad things, and rescues me! After this hero, his friends, and I run from the bad guys I used to serve, we save the world from a threat again that already was resolved in the book, movie, or TV series this world is based off of! My face claim is Lilly Collins, and I usually date an Avenger. This is my unique, never-been-done-before story in a fictional world!
Fantasy:
Wearing my long pale rags and carrying my bucket of water I have to fetch every morning, I find a mythical beast that loves me straight away, and becomes loyal to me. I have no intentions of taking it back to were it came from, so I met a boy in the village who will become my love interest. He will also form a bond with this magical being and soon we will kiss and then save the world from an evil person trying to kill my magical beast. This book is the first of five books, and will seem like the adventure never ends. With many plot holes, my story is breath taking! This is my unique, never-been-done-before-and-is-not-Eragon story!
General Fiction:
I am a suicidal, depressed sixteen year old because my father died of cancer and my mom is drunk all the time. I skip school all the time but manage to meet this bad boy who turns soft for me. I am saved when this boy falls in love with me and gives me something to live for. This is original, general fiction story!
Historical Fiction:
Instead of being in a story where I live through a disaster such as the Titanic or live in a city like Pompeii which is what people really want to read about, I live in the 1700's during the Revolutionary War with my sexy boyfriend who's face claim is Theo James. He is off at war. I don't do anything but write him letters all day. I also know famous people of that time period like George Washington, Alexander Hamilton, and Ben Franklin. I never explain how I know those people since I am a poor peasant and supposedly live out in the middle of nowhere, but I just do. Did I mention I was poor but still have a meal every day? This is my unique, never-been-done-before story.
Horror:
I am a quirky, Tumblr boy, and it turns out... Slenderman is real! Wow! Never would have guessed!
Wearing my average basketball shorts, Avengers tee, and holding a jar of Nutella (because I'm a Tumblr user) I was walking out in the street when Slenderman approached me! "Kill your family or I'll kill you." He said and then waddled away on his long legs.
Gasping, I ran inside an killed my family because I really didn't have a choice. Then, it turns out Slendy lied! He started chasing me everywhere. I drove all over the state and now, I'm living in an abandoned building with ghosts! My love interest isn't a nerd and I introduce her to the nerd life whilst we make out and run away from Slenderman, only to be murdered at the end of the book! This is my totally unique horror story line!
Humor:
Welcome to a story where there is nonstop gay, sex, and gender jokes! This book is full of people bashing Trump while drunk and breaking into places and having sex! The story line is sometimes unclear, but most of the time it's about a new girl moving into a town full of gangs and starting a new, crappy school!
The F word is used every five sentences at most, by it's okay because it's hilarious! This book involves a bad boy, nakedness, a bra, and probably a quote involving the F word that everyone says over and over- and that makes no sense! Like, for example: "This is fifty shades of f-ed up."
Not to mention the lead character is either a hardcore Feminist or a lost soul that does whatever anyone tells her to do!
But it's okay, this story is hilarious, so gross content is everywhere! Prepare to laugh, cringe, sob, and then read the most childish sex scenes ever! Because sex is a joke! Welcome to this totally original idea and a fun story that has never been done before!
Mystery/Thriller:
I may just be a young, seventeen year old male with a fedora, but I know how to solve mysteries- and the police are dumb. Screw the police, FBI, NCIS, and all those crime people! I'm better at solving stuff than them! My girlfriend is my loyal sidekick, and as we solve murders and robberies and track down bad guys, we miss school and fail grades!
But I never mention that, lol.
In this book, a dead person is found in my garage. Who murdered the innocent man in my garage? Was the man in the garage to begin with, or was he put there? Was this man actually innocent? Why was the man in my garage, or why would be be put there? Why did I find a blood stain on my girlfriend's pants? Could she be the murderer? Will I solve this mystery? Will I listen to the police and stay away from this dangerous case? I answer all these things and more in this book who's title sounds like it could be a Harry Potter fanfiction!
Paranormal:
"Anna." I looked around my room, scanning the dark walls. I swear I heard a voice, saying my name- but my dad wasn't home. His late night shifts as a police officer kept him out past midnight.
"Anna." Yet again, I hear someone whisper my name- and this time, I knew it was coming from behind me. Slowly, with blood draining from my face, I turned- to see only my mother, gently smiling, reaching out to touch me. Normally, I would have been fine. But I wasn't fine. I screamed, jumped out of my bed, and felt tears of fear and shock spring into my eyes.
My mother had died thirteen years ago.
Poetry:
there is life, and there is death
and learned this did a little girl named Beth
for once Beth had a dog named Whack
and this dog vanished one day, where could she be at?
Beth searched the city, all over town
for her little lost dog she held a worried frown
she ran all the way home and confronted her mother
'Whack is gone, mama!' she cried, and looked for her father
her father hung posters and asked all around
but still, Whack was nowhere to be found
on the way home from searching for Whack,
her father was killed and never came back
the little girl cried weeks later as her mother died
for without her husband she could not have survived
Beth was scared and she left home
for she soon found Whack who had died all alone
Random:
Hey, ya'll! Welcome to this book that is supposed to make you LOL cause it's super relatable! I complain about stupid stuff like periods, school, boyfriends, and getting tape off your fingers! I also like to tell you silly stories about me and my crush interacting- did you know he looked at me last week? Lol anyway, let's get to complaining!
Romance:
I looked out my window. There, standing and looking at me, was the best looking boy I've ever seen. Handsome blue eyes. Dark brown, sexy hair. Toned abs. Beautiful pecs. Biceps better than Sebastian Stan's.
How could he be my next door neighbor? I am such a lucky girl.
The next day, I found he he's in my new school class. He talked to me and winked at me. He said he wanted to meet in his room. I wonder why? I am innocent. Oh, I bet he has a guitar solo he wants to show me, or something like that.
Jeepers- we had sex! I don't know what it is, even though I'm 18 years old, but it was great! I can't wait to tell my dad I'm finally a virgin!
Science Fiction:
Short Story:
"Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is ugliest one of them all?" I ask, watching as the mirror in front of me shows me picture of the person I hated most- myself. Nodding and taking a step back from the sight I see every morning, I sink down to the floor.
Squeezing my eyes shut as tears fall too the ground, I know that image will never change. Not because I'm never going to be beautiful, because others say that I already am.
But because I am the mirror, and the mirror only sees what I see.
Spiritual:
I saw... an angel. My angel. The one that's always been there- even when I didn't know it. And he told me that everyone has an angel- even you. But why as I seeing him, if no one else could see theirs? He said that angels are seen only when they want to be seen. And he said that he needed my help.
Teen Fiction:
"Be-be-be my B-F-F cause' I-D-K what's coming next and I'll be L-M-H-O with the rest so T-T-Y-L-X-O-X!" Leah sings into her hairbrush, jumping on the bed. "Hey, college roomie/bestie!" She greeted me, turning off her music. "How'd the date with the super hot basketball star go?"
I sighed. "Great, but Gabriella showed up. She's still possessive over her ex-boyfriend! Man, can't a girl get laid in peace?" I crossed my arms. "She claims she's over Troy, but when I snatch him up, she throw's a fit!"
Leah gasps. "That cousin of a biatch!" She rolled her eyes. "Don't worry, we are so TPing her dorm later, because we are mature."
Vampire:
Why was my abnormally pale, introverted crush locking me in a room and biting me? Oh well, he's cute, so I'm not going to call 911!
Werewolf:
I watched in horror as the man I just kissed started to grow... hair. Everywhere! In the pale moonlight of this random part of these dangerous woods, the man I loved grew teeth as long as my pinkie. His eyes turned a bright, glowing yellow, and his pupils narrowed into an unnaturally skinny shape.
His voice was rough as he spoke. "Now you know." He said, and a single tear feel down his hair cheeks. "Now you know- and now you don't love me."
I gasped. "No! I still love you. I just thought your obsession with meat had something to do with your fear of lettuce, not because you're half wolf." I piped. "Let's get married!
Well.
All of that took much longer than expected.
Thankfully, when I started this chapter (yesterday) I was feeling like crap, but now I feel a lot better. Winter gave me lots of cuddles this morning, so I'm super happy. Also, writing out all of these genres was fun.
I also did a tag today, which was cool, so check that out in the previous chapter if you want to know more about me, Elise, Winter's catnip dealer.
***Side Note: I didn't do the Non-Fiction category, since the stories there aren't, of course, cliche and are based of (hopefully they aren't lying) real events and times during the author's life.
My birthday is soon and I'll be 15 for real omg
Me and Sam went to a chocolate store yesterday and bought like 20 different kinds of truffles each and had a truffle tester party because I was sick oml I love him so much can a boy be your maid of honor? Is that like a thing?
Anyways, it's raining here in my part of Texas for the first time in weeks and I forgot how much I love dark, damp weather. It soothes my soul.
Until next time, mission report, December 16th, 1991.
-Elise