Matapos kong kumalma ay kinuha ni Silas ang first aid kit sa aking kwarto at ginamot ang mga sugat ko. He looked worried and annoyed the whole time he was fixing my battle wounds. He looked frustrated, too. Kunot ang kanyang noo at paminsan-minsang kumukukuyom ang panga niya.
"What?" I pursed my lips.
Ibinaba ni Silas ang kamay niya at napabuntong hininga. Pagod na tiningnan niya ako. "Hindi ka na dapat nakipag-away."
"I got mad." I looked else where. I couldn't stare at him for too long, talking about this.
"Kahit na..." he bit his lip. "I don't want you hurt, Laurene."
"Then don't kiss other girls, para hindi ako masaktan."
"I didn't. Siya lang ang humalik sa akin."
Umirap ako. "Don't let other girls kiss you then, para hindi ako mang-away."
Tumango siya. Seryoso siyang nakatingin sa akin. Hindi binibitawan ang mga mata ko. His face was shouting of innocence. "Ikaw lang ang hahalikan ko."
Napakagat ako sa labi sa sagot niya. Silas is so good at making me feel things... and he doesn't even know it.
I got suspended for three days and I was asked to help out in the library. Pati si Rachel ay iyon ang naging sanction. Hindi man lang kami pinaghiwalay. They must really want to see a war ensue.
Inisip siguro nila na pwede kaming maging close dahil dito. A way to form a bond? I scoffed. Not in this life time.
I went to school just like how I usually go to regular school days. Pero hindi kasing aga katulad ng dati kong ginagawa para makausap si Silas. I didn't bother to attend the flag ceremony. Sa library na ako agad dumiretso.
Isang text ang natanggap ko kay Silas pagkatapos na pagkatapos ng flag ceremony na iyon.
Silas:
Where are you? I didn't see you in line.
Hindi dapat ako magreply. May kaonting galit pa ako sa kanya. Pero hindi ako makatiis. Basta pagdating kay Silas talaga, sobrang hina ko.
Me:
Library.
Akala ko ay ayos na dahil sa narinig ko ang paliwanag ni Silas. I really thought I'm okay after that kiss he gave me... Until Rachel's voice echoed in my head, poisoning my mind with doubts.
Ayaw kong maniwala sa kanya. Why would I want to believe that? That Silas kissed Pia back. That he even pulled her close. That Rachel even saw tongue...
"Miss Serrano, don't use your phone. This isn't your free time." the librarian, Mrs. Hermano, said. I was thankful for it because it snapped me out of my ridiculous thoughts.
Napatingin ako sa katabi niya. It was Rachel. She's sporting a few scratches on her face like me. Mas marami nga lang ang kanya. I'm sure she's wounded elsewhere, too. May kaonting ngisi sa mga labi niya. She looked amused and happy that I was scolded. I chose the better path and ignored her existence.
Itinago ko ang phone sa aking bag. I intend to do this task with full attention. Mas okay na abalahin ko ang sarili ko rito kaysa maisip ko na naman ang tungkol sa... Ipinilig ko ang ulo ko.
For this day, Mrs. Hermano assigned us to arrange the books using the Dewey Decimal System. Napairap na lang ako ng nakuha pang itanong ni Rachel kung ano iyon. It was comical. Graduating student na pero hindi iyon alam?
Umpisa pa lang ay ako lang ang gumagawa ng inutos. Habang si Rachel ay nagtatago lang mula kay Mrs. Hermano habang gumagamit ng kanyang phone. I chose to ignore her. Paniguradong gulo lang ang kakalabasan kapag pinansin ko pa siya. I don't wanna work with her, anyway.
Nang dumating ang break time ay pinayagan na rin kaming mag break. That's the time when it dawned me na wala akong mapupuntahan. Wala na ang mga dating kaibigan ko na kasabay ko tuwing recess. And I don't wanna spend time around Silas until I'm still not okay. I will avoid him until I can look at him without thinking about the kiss.
"Are you not gonna eat?" my head snapped to Rachel's direction. Nakaangat ang isang kilay niya.
Nagtaas din ako ng kilay. "Did I give you permission to talk to me?"
Bumaba ang kilay ni Rachel. She looked caught off guard with my response. A few seconds later, she laughed. She shook her head at me before walking away. "What a bitch."
Narinig ko ang sinabi niya pero hindi ko na pinatulan. Umiling na lang ako. It's not my fault that she assumed that she could talk to me.
Umalis ako ng library. I went to one of the best hiding places in the campus. Hindi ako pwedeng magpakita sa canteen kaya nagpabili na lang ako kay Vance. Hindi pwede sa mga kapatid ko o sa posibleng matanong ni Silas, kaya si Vance agad ang naisip ko.
I was immediately alarmed when I heard the faintest footsteps. I quickly turned my head to see who it was. My forehead creased when my eyes found Orion. What is this cookie doing here?
Tumayo ako mula sa sahig at lukot ang mukha na sinalubong siya. Bumaba ang mata ko sa kanyang mga kamay. He's holding an Avocado shake and burger on the other.
"Where's Vance?" kunot noong tanong ko sa kanya.
"Tinaboy ko." kibit balikat na sagot niya. "Why are you eating here?"
"Just feel like it." hinablot ko ang fruit shake at burger mula sa kanya.
"Avoiding someone?" he insisted.
"No. Ayaw lang kitang makita. Nakakasira ng appetite." I casually mocked.
"Sure." kumibit balikat siya at akmang tatalikod na para umalis. Something suddenly sparked in my mind.
I reached for Orion's arm and gripped on it to stop him from leaving. His head quickly turned to me. His eyes were slightly wide.
"Wait." I said. Bumaba ang tingin niya sa kamay kong nakahawak da kanyang braso. Nag-angat siya ng kilay. Agad kong binitawan iyon. Umayos naman siya ng tayo.
"What?" he asked.
"Is it true that you and Rachel had sex?" I squinted my eyes at him.
The thought of him and Rachel going at it sends goosebumps all over my body. It's a disgusting thought.
Orion paused, staring at me before letting out a hearty laugh. "Nosy, Laurene."
He shook his head and turned, planning to leave again, but I grabbed his arm to stop him again.
"Just answer."
Ngumisi si Orion. His eyes sparked, like a sinful thought just crossed his mind. He nodded. "Yes. Once. Last year—"
Hindi ko tinapos ang sasabihin niya. Binitawan ko ang kanyang kamay at hinawakan ko ang bibig ko na parang naduduwal. "Ew! Ew! Yuck!"
"Hey, you asked for it." Orion chuckled.
"Ew, Orion!! Pumatol ka 'don? Pinatulan ka niya? Ew!" sabi ko at patuloy naman si Orion sa paghalakhak.
The images of Orion and Rachel fucking each other entered my mind. I will need Holy water to cleanse my brain!
"Umalis ka na nga! Ew!" sabi ko at humakbang palayo sa kanya. Tawa lang ang naging sagot ni Orion at umalis din kagaya ng inutos ko sa kanya.
The same thing happened the next day. Nagtext sa akin si Silas pero tipid lang ang sagot ko. Hindi ulit ako sumabay sa kanila ng break. Kahit na sumama siya sa amin ng lunch ay hindi ko naman siya masyadong pinansin. I just can't look at him. His face will trigger the images from that night. I can't.
I'm scared that if I see those images inside my head more time, I'd believe it's true and that Silas did lie to me.
Habang kumakain ay ramdam ko ang walang tigil na pagtitig sa akin ni Silas. Nagkekwentuhan ang mga kapatid ko pero hindi ako makasabay dahil binibilisan ko ang pagkain. I don't wanna stay here much longer.
Nang ibaba ko ang aking spoon and fork ay sabay-sabay silang napatingin sa akin. I pushed the plate away from me.
"Tapos ka na, Ate?"
"Yup. Still got things to do." I hurriedly drank some water before standing up. I picked up the tissue and wiped my lips as I pushed the chair towards the table.
"You're enjoying your librarian duties, huh? Pwede ka nang pumalit kay Mrs. Hermano." tawa ni Zeno.
I sarcastically copied his laugh and pushed his head forward. That made him whine and scowl at me.
Pinasadahan ko ng tingin ang lahat maliban kay Silas. "Bye!"
Today, we did an inventory check. Or more like, I. Dahil wala naman maasahan kay Rachel. All she does is stall. Nang mag-uwian na ay nauna akong umalis. My siblings aren't dismissed yet, so I had to wait for them in the car. I played with my phone the whole time.
Nang bumukas ang pinto ay agad akong napatingin doon. Hadeon.
"Hinanap ka ni Silas sa library, nandito ka lang pala." he exclaimed.
I shrugged, like the mention of his name doesn't affect me at all. "I finished early."
"I don't need to ask if you're avoiding him. That shit is obvious." he shook his head, staring at me soberly. "Silas is depressed, L. If he did something to make you mad, talk to him. Wag mo siyang iwasan. He doesn't deserve this mental torture. He doesn't deserve the cold treatment. And if this helps, he's fucking lifeless without you."
I didn't know how to answer. I looked away and kept my mouth shut. Hadeon must have realized that I wasn't going to respond, he gave it up. Hindi na ako pinagsabihan pa ni Hadeon tungkol doon. Like the talk didn't happen.
I know he's right. I know I'm being unfair to Silas. Pero kahit na alam ko na mali ang pag-iwas ay ito lang ang kaya kong gawin. I was just scared... Scared of the truth. Maybe I was avoiding him because I'm trying to avoid the inevitable?
Last day of suspension, same routine. Sa wakas ay tumulong na si Rachel sa gawain. But maybe the real reason is because Mrs. Hemano was constantly checking on us if we're really doing something.
Nang dumating ang hapon ay dumating ang section na may library period para sa araw na ito. That means magugulo na naman sa tamang ayos ang mga libro na pinaghirapan kong ayusin. Bakit kasi hindi sila sanay magbalik ng libro kung saan nila unang nakuha? Nakaka-stress!
I carried the returned books from the desk. Natigilan ako sa pagkakatayo nang makita ko ang mga pamilyar na mukhang pumasok. My eyes widened when I realized what day it is. Library period ngayon ng section one!
Mas nagmadali ako sa pag-alis mula sa desk at pumunta sa tagong bahagi ng library. That's when I found Rachel, sitting on the floor with a phone in her hand. Napatingin siya sa akin sa pagdating ko.
"Oh, anong ginagawa mo rito?" she asked.
I ignored her and pretended I had business on the shelves. Hindi naman siya nagtanong pa ulit. Maya-maya ay humagikgik siya. "Oh."
"Hey, Silas." malagkit at nang-aakit na tawag ni Rachel.
Kumuyom ang panga ko. Mariin na ipinikit ko ang mga mata at nagpigil.
"Can you please stop...I am not interested." dinig ko ang pagtitimpi sa mahinahong boses ni Silas.
Rachel scoffed. She must be offended by the blatant rejection. Tumayo siya mula sa kanyang pwesto. I saw her flip her hair at my peripherals before completely leaving us alone.
"Laurene..." he started, his voice soft and alluring. Naramdaman ko ang paglapit niya sa aking tabi. My body shivered. "D-Do you need help?"
"No..." I casually replied, then turned my body to walk away from him. I thought that's enough to make him stop, but then I felt his warmth follow me.
"Are y-you mad at me?" he croaked.
I know he won't stop if I keep on acting like this. Tumigil ako sa paglalakad. Pati siya ay naramdaman kong tumigil. Huminga ako nang malalim at pinilit na ngumiti nang malaki bago siya hinarap.
"I'm not. Silly." I feigned a laugh. His expression remained grave. "I'm just busy right now. We'll hang out later."
Nakatingin lang siya sa akin. Na para bang hindi siya naniniwala sa sinabi ko. Medyo napapawi ang ngiti ko sa tingin na ibinibigay niya sa akin. I maintained my chagrin. "Hindi nga ako galit."
Silas scanned my face, searching for lies. I must have been a banging actress because his tensed shoulders relaxed. His entire face softened. He let out a heavy breath, like he'd been holding it for the past three days. He nodded. "I'll help you."
Bumagsak ang ngiti ko. What?
"You don't have to." hilaw na tumawa ako habang umiiling.
Hindi ako makaangal nang kunin ni Silas ang mga libro kong dala-dala. Tiningnan niya ako. His eyes were hard and resolved, like I couldn't convince him otherwise.
"I'll help you." he repeated.
Wala akong nagawa. Silas helped me. Hindi naman kami nag-usap. Tinulungan niya lang talaga ako. Nang matapos ang kanilang library period ay halos makahinga ako nang maluwag. Pinaalis ko na siya nang umalis na nag mga kaklase niya. He promised to come back after.
Kaya nang dumating ang dismissal ay nagtago ulit ako sa likod na parte ng library. Sinabi niya sa akin na babalik siya kaya alam ko na gagawin niya nga iyon.
Wala ng tao sa library maliban sa akin, kay Rachel at si Gillian, student volunteer, na nagbabantay sa desk. Mrs. Hermano isn't around. Sobrang tahimik kaya pati ang pagbukas ng pinto ay rinig ko. I could hear even the faintest footsteps.
"Oh, Silas." I heard Gillian say. Parang hinigit ang hininga ko sa pagkakarinig sa pangalan niya. "May kailangan ka?"
"Si... Laurene?" he asked, slightly unsure.
"Ah, si L ba... Nakaalis na siya ngayon-ngayon lang. Hindi mo ba nakasalubong?" preskong sagot nito. Napapikit ako sa mahusay na pag-arte niya. I can't hear the lie in her voice.
"Oh." I could hear the disappointment in his voice. He stayed silent for a moment. I heard next his deep intake of breath. "Okay... Thank you."
The next few seconds were followed with silence. Muli kong narinig ang paglakad ni Silas. Sunod ay bumukas ang pinto. Nanatili akong hindi humihinga hanggang sa muling sumara ito.
"You're avoiding him?" an amused voice startled me, making me jump from where I was standing. I even clutched on my chest in surprise.
Nandidilat ang mga mata na tiningnan ko kung sino iyon. It was Rachel the bitch. Umayos ako ng tayo at binigyan siya ng masamang tingin.
"Why are you avoiding him?" she asked. I shook my head. Like I'll tell her anything. Tumalikod na ako para makalayo na sa kanya. "Because of what I told you? That Silas kissed your ex-friend back?"
What she said made me stopped. I didn't say anything but my action was enough to confirm the answer that she wanted. She suddenly laughed. "Oh my God. You are avoiding him because of that."
I clenched my fist. My jaw went taut. I quickly faced her. She was grinning so wide. One thing that she's really good at... mocking. She can easily get to you if you let her. And I was letting her.
"Wow. Sinabi niya ba sa'yo na hinalikan niya nga ang dati mong malanding kaibigan?" she asked, amusement still resilient in her face. "He didn't. Didn't he? He denied it?"
I couldn't answer. Para saan pa? She's just confirming her thoughts, and all of her thoughts were correct.
"He told you that he didn't kiss her, and yet you're still avoiding him." she concluded. She laughed, shaking her head. "Hindi mo man lang nakuhang magtiwala sa kanya? Mas pinili mong maniwala sa akin? Sa taong di mo naman kakilala?"
"You're in love with him. It's obvious. You love him but you don't trust him enough to believe him that he's telling the truth. You let your insecurity get to you. You let your poor and weak judgment cloud your decisions." Rachel spoke with confidence. "Darling, if you believe other people more than you believe in Silas, then maybe you don't deserve him."
Rachel stared at me for a while, watching me let her words sink in my brain. It was a few seconds later when she finally moved to leave. I remained still, standing on the same spot. She suddenly stop
"Oh. And he's telling the truth, by the way. I lied to annoy you. Silas didn't kiss her back. He pushed her away... Just thought knowing it would make you guiltier." she giggled before truly leaving me behind.