~ Look into my eyes, it's where my demons hide ~
Chapter Twenty-Six: Lifted
Max smiled sheepishly; he was nervous, and he wasn't trying at all to hide it.
"Hey..." I said, walking to him and setting my hands on his shoulders. "C'mere," I told him, hugging his body against mine. He relaxed slightly into the embrace, even more so as I began playing with his dark curls. He let out a long breath, kissing my hair gently.
"Do you still want me to come with you?" I asked Max, feeling his fingers tracing absent circles on my back. Max nodded avidly, pulling away and watching me with soft brown eyes.
"Y-Yeah," he managed, swallowing and trying his best to smile. It was weak and strained, which only made my heart hurt for him. "I, uh... I don't know how well I'd hold up without you there..."
I nodded a little, kissing his shoulder. "Hold on," I said, slowly walking away, towards my kitchen. I grabbed something from my fridge, taking it back to him and smiling gently at him.
Max's eyes widened at what I had in my hands, taking them from me when I offered. "For Adeline," I said. "You said sunflowers were her favorite, right?"
Max nodded, clutching the flowers to his chest. "Oh, my Symphony..." he whispered, slowly walking back over to me and cupping my jaw, gently pressing his lips against my forehead. "You're being so sweet about this."
I bit my lip. In all honesty, I was nervous out of my mind. I didn't know how this was gonna go; I was worried for my boyfriend. I hated seeing him upset.
"It's gonna be a rough time for you," I said. "I don't wanna make it worse by being difficult."
Max gave me a sad smile. "I'm grateful," he whispered. "More than you can know, baby."
I nodded, kissing his cheek sweetly. "Are you ready, Max?"
My boyfriend sighed, still holding the flowers against his chest. "Yeah," he finally told me. "Let's go, before I talk myself out of it."
I nodded at him again, slowly taking his hand in mine. "Alright," I said. He tried to send me a small smile, and actually succeeded a little, managing to give me this soft curl at the corner of his lips. I wanted to desperately to comfort him, to tell him he didn't have to do this, but I knew it was something he wanted to do, something he might've even needed to do, for himself.
The cemetery where Adeline laid was closer than the one my mom was buried in. It only took us about ten minutes to get to the outskirts of Chicago, where she was buried in a family plot, Max had told me. Max was anxious the whole ride there, and he didn't let go of my hand at all; he didn't even sing along to the music in the background. He looked over at me once, a small frown on his face.
"I guess this is how you felt when we went to see your mom," he spoke quietly. "I'm sorry for putting you through that," he murmured, softly kissing my fingers. I felt both loved and a little saddened that even when he was in such a rough state, his thoughts were always of me.
I shrugged in response to his statement, holding Adeline's flowers. "It's alright, Max," I told him. "It needed to happen, and I certainly wasn't willing to make it happen."
Max kissed my fingers again, only nodding. He was trying to act strong, and although admirable, it wasn't necessary; I'd seen him at his most vulnerable, and there was no part of him that I wasn't willing to love back to full strength.
When Max pulled in, he put the car in park, but didn't move. He only let go of the wheel and leaned back, slowly, his movements heavy, as if it wasn't even his own body. His eyes sort of glazed over momentarily, staring blankly out the windshield, as if remembering something for the first time in a while. I hesitantly set my hand on his thigh, watching his attention snap back to the present moment with me.
"You alright?" I asked as he looked in my direction, forcing myself to not let my thoughts run away with me. I smiled gently as he slowly shook his head, undoing his seatbelt and letting out a long, deep breath.
"I haven't been here since before I met you," he admitted quietly. "I feel guilty about that."
My heart broke as I watched my boyfriend. "Max..." I murmured. "You deserve your happiness; don't let this guilt eat you alive."
Max sniffled a little, sighing, his words tentative. "I-I know," he managed. "That's why I'm doing this..." he told me, meeting my gaze intensely. "I don't ever want to feel guilty for loving you, Symphony. I don't want to feel guilty about being loved."
I gave his knee a gentle squeeze as his hand fell over mine. "You deserve enough love to fill a thousand oceans, Max," I murmured, my voice genuine and sincere. "And you shouldn't feel guilty about a single bit of it..." I paused, hesitating, before finally adding, "Adeline wouldn't want that."
Max didn't respond for a moment, before slowly looking over at me. His eyes went blank again for another moment, before he was with me again, watching me. "No..." he suddenly spoke. "She wouldn't..."
Max gave a long breath, nodding to himself. "Alright," he said, slowly opening his car door. "Okay... Okay."
Max got out of the car, quickly, startling me slightly. He moved around to my side of the car uneasily, opening the door for me and offering me his arm. I watched him, slowly, biting my lip a little as I realized Max wouldn't look at me. I didn't say anything though, just nodded to myself as I let him help me from the car, holding the sunflowers for Adeline in my other hand. Max shut the door after me, shoving his hands in his jacket pockets and beckoning me to take his arm, knowing it would give himself comfort if I came closer. I did so, softly, letting him draw strength from me as he began guiding me into the cemetery.
We walked in silence, my boyfriend's eyes trained on his feet as he walked slowly towards our destination. His breathing was even and labored, as if he was forcing himself to take slow breaths to keep calm. I squeezed his arm a few times, trying desperately to calm him down, although it was to almost no avail. I was about to worry myself sick, and the feeling only got worse when Max started shaking.
"Baby...?" I spoke tentatively, looking up at Max. He quickly shook his head, making sure his stare stayed ahead.
"I-I'm sorry," he whispered. "I don't mean to worry you."
I frowned sadly. "Are you okay?"
Max shook his head. "This guilt in eating me," he said. "I'm taking my current girlfriend with me to go see my dead ex-girlfriend..."
I shook my head. "It isn't like that, Max," I told him. "You're going to give yourself closure and bringing me for comfort; there's a difference, baby."
Max sniffled in the cold air. "Is it?" he asked, his voice shaking. I didn't say anything this time, letting him think for a moment as he turned us down a row of stones; we were close.
"Vulnerable, squishy Max-ness," my boyfriend whispered, coming to a stop and looking at me. "I love you."
I gave Max's hand a gentle squeeze. "I love you too, Max."
He took a deep breath, before taking the sunflowers from me and kissing my forehead. "Wait for me here, okay?" he murmured, squeezing my shoulder. "That way I can see you if I need you."
I nodded, letting him slowly part from me as he walked away, towards a gray stone a little ways away. Even from so far away I could read the name: 'Adeline Elizabeth Reed.' Max knelt in front of the stone, and I watched his lips from the words 'Hi Addy,' before I stopped paying enough attention to catch them. I didn't want to be intrusive.
A gust of wind blew my hair around my face as I watched Max set his hand on Adeline's grave. He was talking quietly to her, and I saw his eyes already shining with unshed tears as he placed the sunflowers in the face attracted to the stone, making my heart hurt as he closed his eyes. I caught his lips forming my name, 'Symphony,' and I watched tears begin to slowly roll down his face, his shaking intensifying quietly in the cold February day. I felt like hugging him without letting go, holding him and telling him that he was so strong for doing this, for giving himself what he need in order to let himself be loved like he wanted to be loved. I watched him give a sad smile, slowly standing and beckoning me to come stand beside him.
"C'mere," he said once I'd fallen into earshot, outstretching his hand. I let my fingers lock with his as he pulled me to his side, looking down at Adeline's stone once more.
"This is her, Addy," Max whispered. "This is the girl who's willing to put me back together again..." Max swallowed, still crying as he gave another sad smile. "I've missed you, Addy, but I've realized it's about time I let myself feel loved again..." my boyfriend looked at me. "I've realized it's about time I give this whole love thing another try."
I smiled gently, and Max kissed my temple. "I feel like this is the right thing to do," he told Adeline, looking up slightly. "I feel myself wanting to love again, wanting to give fully to another person... I hope you understand."
I squeezed Max's fingers, being gentle. "I think she does, baby," I whispered. Max looked down at me and nodded a little, before kneeling again, setting his forehead against the gravestone.
"Goodbye, Addy," he whispered slowly. He didn't move for a moment, before standing again, quickly taking my hand and letting me kiss his shoulder.
"I'll take care of him, Adeline," I whispered, closing my eyes. "I promise."
Max chocked back a small cry, and I squeezed his hand. He stood there for a moment, letting out a slow breath, before turning, leaving again. 'Now comes the hard part,' I thought.
Max was strong though, almost stoic as he walked at a faster pace than usual. His grip on my hand was deadly, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't in pain. "Baby?" I spoke, tentatively. "Baby, you're hurting me."
Max slowed down automatically, letting go of my hand. "Shit," he whispered, pulling his fingers through his hair. "S-Sorry, sweet girl."
I shook my head, watching my boyfriend. "It's okay, Max," I told him, seeing him begin to almost pace as we reached the parking lot. "Are you... Are you okay?"
Max knotted his hands behind his head, nodding uneasily. "Maybe," he responded vaguely. "Probably in a minute or two, I'll be fine. I've just gotta..." he took a pause. "I've just gotta breathe is all... Just gotta breathe."
Max forced himself to take long breaths, closing his eyes as he continued to pace. "In," I instructed. He inhaled. "Out," I continued. He exhaled. He repeated several more times as I slowly fell into humming Seal Lullaby, trying my hardest to soothe him and his running mind. He was in front of me suddenly, and I was in his grip, feeling him pressing me against his body and letting me set my chin on his shoulder.
"Please don't stop humming," he pleaded quietly, his voice desperate. "I'm trying not to totally lose it, and I'm hanging onto every single note you're giving me right now."
I continued my quiet humming, eventually feeling the sounds morphing into gentle singing. "You know you can lose it if you need to," I whispered between parts. "I want you to be okay."
Max listened to my voice sing for a few minutes, before sniffling. It occurred to me he was crying as I felt him begin rocking gently, kissing my shoulder. "I am losing it," he admitted, brokenly. "I just wanna hear your soft voice as reassurance as I do."
I nodded a little, feeling his body begin to tremble as I continued to sing for him. Max held me tighter as he began sobbing quietly, burying his face in my hair and muffling the sounds. He whimpered my name, my heart breaking at his small noise as I slowly kissed his neck. I waited for his sobs to subside into small hiccups, before pulling back and cupping his jaw.
"C'mon, Max," I whispered. "Let's get you out of here. You'll feel better once we're at home."
Max nodded slowly, his eyes red from tears as I rested his forehead to mine for a moment. I slowly slid his keys from his pocket, holding them in my hand as I began guiding him over his passenger side door. He curled up defeatedly in the chair, sniffling every now and then as I quickly made my way to the other side, getting in and leaving this place.
"I-I'm sorry," Max spoke a moment later. I shook my head, taking his hand and kissing his fingers as I drove.
"Don't ever be sorry, Max," I whispered. "Don't ever be sorry for something like this."
Max was crying again, though silently. "Do you feel better?" I asked. "After crying for a few minutes?"
Max gave an honest nod. "Y-Yeah," he whispered, his voice still shaky. "I do."
I nodded a little as I watched him. I pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building, cutting the engine and looking over at my boyfriend. Max didn't look at me, but squeezed my hand. "Fuck," he hissed, pressing his other fingers into his temple.
I patiently waited, feeling Max trying to calm himself. He was quietly trying to hold it all together, sniffling gently now and then and holding tight to my hand. "You're doing really well," I spoke softly. "Better than I thought you'd do."
Max, unable to resist an opportunity to lovingly tease me, gave me a tiny smirk. "Have a little faith in your boyfriend, little dove," he told me, his voice thick from tears. I smiled a little, squeezing his fingers.
"Oh, baby," I laughed. "I've got all the faith in the world in you."
* * * * *
When I got Max calmed down enough to lay down about an hour later, he was out like a light, the emotional stress wearing on my sweet boy. He laid down in our bed and I laid on his chest for a little while, until he'd finally passed out, at which point I snuck out of bed and back out into the living room, sighing quietly at how tired I was; but I needed to stay awake, or else I wouldn't manage sleep later.
I quietly began making dinner; when Max woke up, I wanted to be ready for any aftermath that might occur, and I wanted the ability to comfort him without the need to watch food while it cooked. I fiddled with the grilled chicken nervously, singing to myself to keep myself calm; I didn't want Max to have to hurt like he was today. I'd take double the pain if it meant he wouldn't have to deal with it anymore.
It was an hour I was making dinner, before Max emerged from our bedroom (I still wasn't used to the idea of our bedroom; it was such a beautiful thought). He scratched his clothed chest sleepily, his eyes still red from his crying as he yawned quietly, rubbing a hand over his face and walking over to where I stood beside the stove. "Hi, baby," I whispered, feeling his hand resting on my hip. Max kissed my temple, taking a slow breath.
"Hello, my guardian angel," he murmured into my hair, nibbling gently on my earlobe. I shivered slightly, leaning forward and turning off the stove as his hand found my stomach, pressing my back into his chest. "It smells good in here."
I gave a small smile. "Chicken stir fry," I spoke. Max chuckled slightly, turning me and kissing my lips for a gentle moment.
"I love you..." his lips formed the words I adored so much to hear, his eyes still closed. I giggled quietly, feeling his hand pressing softly into my back as he smiled, holding me gently.
"I love you too," I told him, my fingers tracing along his ribcage. Max laughed lightly against my touch, slowly opening his eyes. "You feeling better?" I asked, kissing his jaw.
Max smiled cutely, nodding. "Yeah," he whispered, looking at me lovingly. "I didn't really express my gratitude earlier when we got back... But I'm really grateful that you came with me today, Simmy. It means a lot to me."
I nodded a little, blushing. "Of course, baby," I spoke. "I'd do anything for you if it meant I could make you feel better, if it meant it could ease your guilt."
Max smiled, pressing his lips to my forehead and running his thumb against my hip bone. "I really needed you today," he told me. "I drew strength from you when I wasn't even sure I would be able to stand on my own two feet... You gave me what I needed, when I needed it most, and allowed me to say goodbye to this ghostly memory weighing on my shoulders. You loved me through it," my boyfriend paused, biting the inside of his cheek cutely as he tilted my chin up slightly, his touch soft and sweet. "You let me cope with Adeline the way I wanted... Most girls would've been freaked out by today."
I gave a small chuckle, pressing my palm against his chest over his heart. "I'm not most girls," I teased lovingly. "I'm your girl. That makes me special," I joked. Max grinned and nodded, pulling my arms around his waist and settling his around my neck.
"You're very right, baby," he whispered, lightly kissing my nose as he sighed lovingly. "I've never loved anybody more than I love you. I fall for you over and over again every time you look at me, every time you speak in your beautiful, ringing voice. Your touch sends shivers rippling through my body, and your smile lights up the entirety of my world... You make me feel like I'm not broken."
Max's smile turned slightly sad at his last comment, slowly dropping my gaze. I gave a half-smile, setting my chin on his chest and nuzzling my nose against his, causing an involuntary laugh to spill from his soft lips, making me melt against him.
"You're not broken," I told him gently. "You were never broken, Max. If you were broken, you wouldn't have wanted to let yourself fall in love again. If you were broken, we wouldn't be standing here right now," I paused, kissing his jaw. "You were torn and tattered, Max, but no; you were never broken, baby."
My boyfriend gave a tiny smile, connecting our lips and closing his eyes. I followed suit, slowly letting myself get lost in the feeling of his kiss, in the feeling and warm longing that sated the aching that I always felt for him, kissing him back and loving him loudly. Max smiled, gentle against our movements, allowing himself the love he deserved as he deepened the kiss.
He reluctantly broke away, staring down at me with love set deep in those chocolate eyes. Max pressed a long peck to my cheek, holding me tightly. "Wanna watch a movie?" he asked. "While we eat?"
I smiled and nodded, patting his shoulder. "You fix us plates," I said. "I'll get us drinks."
Max grinned and kissed my forehead, moving to grab plates as I fixed us waters. We laughed lightly to each other as we made our way to our bedroom, deciding on dinner and a movie in bed and then maybe ice cream later.
I patted Max's chest about an hour later, both of us deep into Moulin Rouge. "Don't forget," I began. "Tomorrow we're helping out Sophie with her project."
Max nodded. "Photographing love," he spoke. "I remember. I'm excited."
I smiled. "Me too..." I whispered.
"Me too."
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Go ahead and crucify me, because this is later than god knows what, and also so short it almost makes me sick.
But I've had a bad couple of days, guys.
I had KESDA, which was fun, but then some stuff happened and it wasn't good and yeah.
So it wasn't very good.
But Mug Shot drops tomorrow and the SLSP video is dropping too, so in excited for that and maybe it'll get better.
I love you guys.
Enjoy :-)
-Casey