On my way to the last class of the day, I spotted Omar. I had no idea he was at school today. He hasn't been in any of the classes we share. Ever since that day at the center, he had been purposely avoiding me.
He was going into the restroom, so I went in there too. He was just staring in the mirror until he seen me.
"How... how have you been?"
He turned around and leaned against the sink.
"Oh you gave me money and now you think you can be my friend? I'm not looking for a friend."
I'm not interested in being friends with him either. I only have one. For now. I guess. Kaelynn has been trying her best to be more positive, but I don't know. She kept up a good front for about a week. Lately she has been letting her attitude slip out a lot more though. Not only that, but we haven't started exercising yet. I will give it to her though... She eats better. She didn't eat that bad before, but she cut out some of her favorite junk food.
"I don't expect us to be friends. Really, I don't. I'm just curious to know if you're doing okay."
"Why do you suddenly care? And why are you so close to me?" He started mean mugging me as he balled his fist up. "You better not dare attempt to come out to me."
Come ou... this nigga thinks I'm gay? He knew I was just with a female a month or so ago. He's the one that broke the shit up! Before I get mad, I need to keep in mind that this is what Omar does. He throws around insults and aggression just to hide how he truly feels.
I feel like I'm wasting my time trying to get through to people, but I keep on trying. I don't know why. I should just give up like they do. That's not a part of who I am though.
"Oh I'm gay because I want to help a guy out?"
"Were you asking me or telling me nigga?"
I can see why I would always try to avoid talking to him.
"I'm not gay, Omar."
"Really? Coulda fooled me."
See, if I was petty I would ask him if he thinks my clothes are gay too. I'm just going to get to the point.
"Look, here." I pulled out two stapled sheets of paper.
"The fuck is that?"
"A Branded application."
"What? So I can make two dollars an hour? Nah, rich boy. I'm good."
Branded has flexible hours. He could go in right after school and stay until closing. That wouldn't be eight hours, but it would be something. The starting pay is nine dollars, not two.
"I wish you would stop calling me that."
"What, rich boy? It's true. You don't ever have to worry about money. Not even when the old man croaks. You'll really be rich then."
Damn, so I guess most people only see pops for his money. I'm tired of having this conversation with him though.
"If you do turn the application in, make sure you give it directly to Pauline Turner. She is the manager. You don't have to worry about me trying to help you anymore after this."
Am I so wrong for wanting to help another male? A black male at that. We have it hard out here just because of the color of our skin. I want us all to win. He is so stuck up in his pride that he doesn't realize that though. There isn't too much more I can do, so I give up. I did my part. I gave him a sure money source. It's up to him if he wants to accept it or not.
I put the application on his bag then left the restroom. I'm ready to get through this last class so I can take my ass home.
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{Kaelynn}
"Kaelynn Smith?"
I stood up and followed went to the nurse. I finally built up the nerve to come here. I was supposed to have already came, but I kept putting it off.
The nurse weighed me then she took me in a room. She took my vitals then she started asking me a few questions.
"It says here that you haven't been here since earlier this year. That would explain why your blood pressure is high. It is extremely important to not take yourself off of any medicine."
I simply nodded. I already knew that was coming.
"Dr. Waters should be here in a bit."
She left out the room. While I was waiting, I pulled out my phone and checked my messages.
Mom: where r u? I was going to take you baby shopping with me. I'm at the store now.
I've apologized to my mom. I feel how I feel, but I said some pretty harsh things to her. We are trying to have a better relationship though. Things like this happen though.
Me: I'm waiting for my doctor.
Mom: OMG!! I completely forgot abt that being today. I'm sorry.
She was supposed to come with me. She said she would come and be supportive or whatever. I'm not surprised that she forgot. She always forgets things when it comes to me.
Mom: I'll check out and come right on.
Knowing mom, she probably picked a lot of things out. I'm glad that I'm eighteen and I can bring myself to the doctor. If I still had to rely on her, I would have never came back.
Me: don't worry about it. I'm literally a big girl. I can handle it.
I was about to put my phone away, but I got another text.
Jay: Kaelynn where are you?
There he goes calling me Kaelynn again. I know that's my name and all, but I want him to call me Faye. That's what he calls me when we are on good terms. We haven't had a fallout lately.
I didn't get a chance to respond, because the doctor came in. I put my phone away and shook her hand.
"Good evening Kaelynn. It's good to have you back."
It's not good to be back.
"Hey Dr. Waters."
She went over to the computer and looked at it. She then examined the paper that the nurse wrote my vitals and weight on.
"So Kaelynn." She leaned against the counter. "How have you been?"
"I'm fine."
"You and I both know that's not the case. Just be honest. This is what I'm here for. How's home life? You're a senior now, right? How is school going?"
I know I'm not actually fine. She knows it. It's so obvious. This is what I came for. For my health and to start living an all around better life. I may as well be honest.
"Well, everything is a big struggle. And it's all because of my attitude." A few tears left my eyes. "I don't try to be such a negative person, but it's how I feel within. I'm my mind I try to muster up some positivity, but negative things always spew from my mouth. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I hate how I look. I'm fat and ugly. I just wish that I could better control the way I feel."
I didn't expect to say that much. She gave me a tissue then she just looked at me. I wiped my tears, but they kept calling. I'm actually ashamed of myself when I think of how negatively I feel all the time. It seems like it should be easy to control my own mood, but it's not. It's really not. I just feel like nobody understands me. The sad part is, I don't understand myself either. I'm tired of being this way.
"Kaelynn, you are a very beautiful girl. You should never be so down on your own looks. We all have something about ourselves that we absolutely love. Even if it's only one feature on your body. Embrace that feature. Start studying your body in the mirror. Overtime, you will start to notice the other cute things about yourself. If it weren't for your health, I wouldn't see anything wrong at all with your appearance."
She is just trying to make me feel better about myself. She examined the paper that she walked in with before giving it to me. I read the word hypothyroidism at the top.
"A few months ago, we discovered that you had hypothyroidism. It has only gotten worse due to you not taking any medication for it. Basically, hypothyroidism occurs when your thyroid gland doesn't produce enough thyroid hormones. If your hormones are off balance, that brings about several problems. Depression. Mood swings. And having an uncreative thyroid slows down your metabolism. This will make it difficult to lose weight."
Now it all makes sense to me. I knew there has to be something wrong. I used to be better than this. I used to deal with my insecurities way better. The past year has changed everything.
"Difficult isn't impossible Kaelynn. It will take more work for you. You may feel like giving up, but at least try to add exercising into your life. Even if it's only a lap a day at the track. This condition is something that I was diagnosed with around your age. I was on the verge of four hundred pounds and my health was declining bad. Once you get fed up, changes will come."
I'm surprised that she used to be that big. She looks like she's barely even a hundred pounds now. I bet that took a lot of dedication and hard work. I hope I have it in me.
She went over some more things before giving me a prescription for blood pressure medicine and thyroid medicine.
Hopefully now I can start to take control of my happiness again. I'm tired of being a downer and I'm ready for a change. Seriously this time.