Namjoon stared at the ceiling hazily, body in bed but mind elsewhere. His thoughts wouldn't let him sleep like usual but more so after being caught red handed like that.
Yes, his members let him go but barely. Heck, they made it a promise to Namjoon that they would talk about everything when he wakes up (not like he slept in the first place) and there was nothing he could do to avoid it.
How do they talk about it though? Where to start? Which one would stir the biggest waves and which one would keep them at bay? Should he start with the sasaeng fan case? The final verdict of the driver who involved their precious Tae into this mess in the first place? What about the rumours and controversies going on online about everything? And the video that's by the way, still trending on the internet. What about that? There was still the morbid comments that anti-fans and generally, the public, made. What about the original copy of the video that was still sitting on his desk drawer back in the studio?
Just where the hell does he begin? He's barely hanging in there.
All these questions were haunting him, rendering him paralysed on his bed, afraid to come out of its comfort; afraid to come out of his room to face the others even as noon settled in and all sorts of movements could be heard from the other side of the door.
Sighing, he decided to get his ass out there and face reality.
Damn, he wasn't ready. He didn't think he'd ever be ready. Just thinking about it made him want to shrink away. He wanted to run and pretend none of last night ever happened. He was weak that way.
He's weak and he hated it.
Pathetic!
He oh so slowly pulled the door open and stepped outside.
That was when everything just came crushing down for Namjoon before it could even begin.
He found all his members gathered in the kitchen. That wasn't at all what disturbed him but the fact that Jin was on his phone, an obvious frown on his face, as the others crowded around him.
The last time he checked, not one of them dared to even turn on their gadgets and that itself was a comfort to Namjoon because he knew they wouldn't be exposed to the devastating storm going on in the internet.
Seeing them then with a working phone in their midst was enough to leave him with a hard beating on his chest, let alone the dour atmosphere he found himself engulfed in.
As if sensing his presence, Jin turned to look at him, eyes holding something that Namjoon didn't understand. Almost like it was accusatory.
"Let Namjoon know that I called. And also don't worry. It's just a day of delay. Taehyung's fine. The doctor is just making sure he's ready for any visitors- body wise."
Is that hyung-nim on the phone? Immediately, Namjoon's blood ran cold. It was apparent then that things just got worse for him. No... this is way too sudden...
They know. Hyung-nim told them. Oh my god, they know!
"Ne, I'll let him know you called," his hyung spoke through the phone so gravely that it sent shivers down his spine. "I'll see you tomorrow, hyung-nim."
"I- I can ex-" he quickly tried to say as soon as the call ended but he guessed it was futile.
"Taehyung's going to see a doctor," it was Hoseok who interupted him, face clearly showing that he was upset- no, screw that, he's about livid. "A psychiatrist. Do you know what that will do?" Hoseok continued and Namjoon had never seen him like this before. Actually, no one had ever seen him this furious before. "Namjoon, we just read Taehyung's notebook a week ago! Are you even aware what this would do to Tae? He would think we abandoned him! You read the notebook! You should know! What the f***? Do you know what will happen if-"
"Hobi, let me explain," he quickly intervened, trying still, wanting to do some damage control before the situation could escalate into something far, far worse.
"You've done enough hiding, Namjoon. I am not sitting back to watch it happen again," Hoseok's voice almost boomed over the latter's ears.
He didn't know why they were angry at him. As far as he knew, he wasn't the one who suggested such a thing. He didn't even hesitated to voice out his disapproval when their manager told him about it just the other day.
"I wasn't going to hide this. I was going to tell all of you today. I didn't even agr-"
"How could you hide this kind of matter from us? This is big, Namjoon! Actually, it's huge! Don't tell me the reason why you didn't want to tell us was because you're on board with this!"
Offended and hurt, Namjoon was taken aback.
What?
It hurt even more that Jimin and Jungkook were looking at him as if he just killed Taehyung. Heck, they looked betrayed; Yoongi, Jin, Hoseok, all of them.
"That's not it, Hobi. I'm not. I swear. How can you say that? I just-"
"Wanted to keep it all to yourself?" Yoongi bit back bitterly, incredulity in his voice, daring the younger to deny what he was about to say. "Wanted to carry all this shit, and who knows what else you're hiding, all on your own!? You're the leader, I get it, but you don't have the right to hide something so serious from us! Especially something that could hurt Taehyung!"
"No. That's not it. You don't understand. None of you understand. At all! Let me explain. Please."
"How can we possibly understand when you're not talking to us?! We've waited long enough. We've given you space. But to hear this from Sejin hyung-nim... what the hell! I'm not sitting back anymore!"
"I wasn't on board with Tae seeing a psychiatrist without his consent! I would never do that to him! How could you-"
"Yeah, but even so, he is still seeing one!" Jin butted in, unable to keep his voice down. "Couldn't you have at least talked manager-nim out of this?"
"Did you even at least try to stop hyung-nim?" Yoongi added. "Heck, did you at least ask him to talk to Tae about this first?!"
Yoongi was shouting.
Jin was holding him back.
Hoseok was too angry, himself, that he couldn't even try to calm the other down.
Jungkook and Jimin... their eyes were teary. They refused to even look at Namjoon.
Everything about that moment was horrible and just plain wrong; just where did Namjoon go wrong?
"What's next, huh? What else are you hiding from us?!"
Namjoon swallowed hard. Was this his queue to spill out everything?
But wouldn't that just make everything worse?
If only he was a moment earlier than his manager... if only he dragged himself out of his bed sooner... then maybe this wouldn't have happened... maybe they could have started this whole confrontation with a much softer and less accusatory tone. Maybe then, nobody would have to be a victim to their own outburst of frustrations and so much hidden anger.
Furthermore, beneath it all, he knew they were breaking inside. He could see it in their eyes, read it from their face. That was why he really couldn't blame them. Even though they were pointing all their negative emotions to him. This was his consequence for the decision he so selfishly made. If he had done things differently then maybe he'd be having a heart to heart talk with his members instead of a heated, one-sided conversation that was all sparkled up with secrets and misunderstandings. Maybe then, nobody had to get hurt.
'Pulling myself together first' my ass!
He could see it now.
Very clearly, in fact.
Right in front of him.
No matter what reasons he had, this was his doing. He caused this.
He made a mistake. Regardless of being a moment's late, he made a mistake.
Yoongi was right. He should have never kept something so big from them.
Look at what I've done...
His chest hurts.
I feel numb...
He needed everyone to just calm down.
I need to pull my shit together...
He needed to breathe. He wanted everything to go back to normal; whatever was normal before all of these. He wanted to turn back time so that he could do things differently.
So he blocked it all out. It was just way too much. The guilt and defeat was way too much.
He could still see Yoongi fuming and the others doing the same thing but he couldn't hear them. It was like his brain decided to stop his ears from functioning.
Still, amongst the shouting, his voice broke clear; "I'm sorry. I did wrong."
"I'm sorry."
And he didn't know what happened next. He had about the slightest clue how he came from standing in the kitchen, in the presence of his members and then the next he's out on the streets walking numbly all alone. He didn't even grab a hoodie or a mask and sunglasses; he probably didn't have the time to. When he checked his pockets, all he had were a few notes and coins, not even his phone.
"You're helpless, Namjoon-ah..." he murmured to himself. "So freaking useless. You can't even do anything right! A leader shouldn't be like this..."
Ruffling his hair, he continued to walk, not knowing where his legs were taking him. He didn't even know how much time passed when he finally looked up and found grey clouds looming above in the sky.
Then, the first few droplets of rain started pounding on the pavement with extreme harshness- merciless at its wake. It's fitting because Namjoon felt like he's in the middle of a storm when really, he wasn't. He was the ground, a supposedly stable ground, and he was keeping his members standing up. He's catching the rain, most of it, while his members get soaked. And there was nothing he could do to protect them from the rain because he was no shelter. He could only provide a ground for them to stand up on until they completely dry.
A lot could say that they would all dry... but the ground's always slower, wasn't it?
What the hell was he thinking about anyway?
Such a bullshit comparison!
Laughing pitifully, he let himself get soaked.
For now... let me leave it up to the actual ground. Let me be the one who gets soaked and then dry easily...
It wasn't a complaint. Namjoon's not implying that he didn't want to be their safe ground. He was just tired and weary, not of them but of all the problems thrown their way. After all, he was only human.
But...
If only I was stronger...
If only I was a better leader...
I could have been of help to them if I was much, much wiser...
Why am I the leader when I'm this weak?
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#waytooguiltyandashamedtoevenwriteanauthor'snote,orbetteryet,author'sapology
#I'mreallysorry
#Iloveyouguysbutyouprobablyhateme
#thischaptermightbeadisappointmentsodoletmeknowwhatyouthink