"Girl I must warn you" -poison Bell Biv Devoe
Zaria August 1990
I sat on the toilet in the bathroom looking down at the small white stick in my trembling hands, two lines, one dark pink and the other one a faded pink. No matter how many times I tried another test they all came out the exact same, two pink lines, no mistakes, no slip ups, all came out identical. I sat there dumbfounded. Was I this stupid to let this happen to me when I had promised myself that it wasn't going to? unplanned pregnancies ruin dreams I knew that and yet I never seem to listen to my conscience, I always go along with the now never seeming to think about the consequences, I hate to say that this was a huge mistake that needed to be fixed but it was to true for me.
What would my parents do if they found out that I was Pregnant, surely mom would kick me out, my career could be over in the snap of a finger, ain't no such thing as a pregnant rapper in the start of her career, right now is my time and as a female pregnancies halt things, it's different for men they don't have to stop anything to cater to a child they just don't. Right now I sat in the basement bathroom, a million things running in and out of my mind, even though I knew I was pregnant I had to know for sure, I had already told Rollo about it, and I had already made my entire decision about what was going to happen. I'm just going to have to abort the pregnancy. I felt so very bad and sad, and selfish at the same time, I loved children and as a girl I wanted a baby so very bad, I played with my baby brother as if he was my child taking care of him when my mother took night classes, but I couldn't have possibly fed a child I had no job, no real skills besides writing, and even if Lamont did get drafted into the NBA or NFL, I needed my own path, and I had to create it for myself.
I got up off of the toilet and put the last test and its box into a white garbage bag and tied it up. I knew exactly where I needed to go and who I needed to talk too. Mary.
I went upstairs carrying the bag into the empty Kitchen, my mother and Grey were at work and my brother at camp so there would be no interruptions from prying eyes and ears who like listening in in my calls. I dialed the first place I thought she might be her home in the projects. When she didn't answer there I called her pager number and left her a message. After doing that I went outside in the pouring rain and discarded the bag into a trash bin on the curb, I didn't need my parents finding anything and grilling me on it.
When I got back inside the phone began to rang. "Hey you called what's up" I heard Mary say on the other line, "hey I need to talk to you where you at, it's real real serious?" I asked her my voice kind of shaky the signs of my stress and anxiety seeping out. The reality of my situation hadn't really hit me until today and I was scared now very very scared. "Um I'm at the studio working on backing vocals come the address is xxx Hudson St. it's near Greenwich village in Lower Manhattan, I'll wait for you outside". After she said that I hung up and got ready quickly, I put on a simple white t shirt with camo cargo pants a trucker cap some sunglasses but no raincoat, stupid of me right get pneumonia and be pregnant why don't you, I headed out the door down to my truck.
It took me about twenty minutes to get there, traffic was surprisingly clear even though was raining outside, rain in NY made shit slow down just a little bit, and the rain was hard for a summer day, but it fit my somber mood perfectly considering that my sadness made me seem like a storm. When I rolled up I saw Mary out in front of the building in a rain coat, I wanted to get out there and run to here but It was hard to find parking I found it for $5.00 an hour around the corner what a fucking scam they were pulling but I paid it anyway, I ran through the rain cursing my self for forgetting a damn rain coat.
"Hey girl" she said, I looked at her with saddened eyes and she pulled me into a hug, "hey let's get out of the rain, and get you dried, why you ain't wear a damn raincoat?" She said shaking her head. I walked into the building soaking wet, it looked like one of those classy apartment lobbies from the old movies, but I hardly noticed because my clothes were uncomfortably sticking to my body. When we got up to the studio some other girls were harmonizing but stopped when they saw me all wet, so we went into the bathroom where I dried off.
"So tell me what did he do now to get you in this mood you seem to be having?" She asked, "actually uhhh it wasn't him but ... it has something to do with him" I said drying my hands with paper towel, Mary propped her self up against the wall and folded her arms, "so, tell me what's going on? What's the juice sis?" I didn't hesitate I told her right then and there "Mary I'm pregnant." There was a short silence between the both of us before she said "Oh" her Oh sounded like one of those things that you say when you are shocked or shook, it was clear by her facial expression that I had really pulled a number on her. "Oh is right I don't know what to do, can you help me?" She nodded and walked over to me and placed her hand on my damp shoulder, "have you thought about going to a clinic there's one down here somewhere I believe." I hadn't thought about a clinic I knew abortions were legal but I didn't know where to go to find one, because if you looked up abortion services in the phone book nothing would pop up. "Why don't we go to a clinic and get you checked out first before we make rush decisions alright" she said reassuring me.
Mary went and told the girls that she was done for today and we headed out she gave me her umbrella. Instead of me driving Mary drove since I didn't know where the hell I was going. The drive was actually surprisingly short it was only like ten or fifteen blocks away it didn't take very long to get to the place. The sign above the entrance read planned parenthood, in school I had learned about them during sex Ed, and I had seen the fuss that pro lifers were making outside of their clinics all over the country on the news. Never would I have though that I would be in here let alone close to the building for a real purpose.
When we got inside we followed a long corridor lined with AIDS posters saying phrases like Men of the 90s do the safe thing and a related pregnancy poster saying My boyfriend gave me AIDS, I was only worried about getting pregnant. All I could do was thank God that my ass wasn't In here for that, at least I hope so.
We both walked into the waiting room of the clinic, other girls were there with what looked like either parents or their friends, there were a number of men in the waiting room too, I assumed they were there for AIDS or HIV testing, most of the people there were white except for a black woman who sat at the front desk, so Mary and I definitely stood out from the crowd. "Hello how may I assist you today" the lady said smiling warmly at me, "um I'm here to get a pregnancy test and to talk about an abortion possibly" I said confidently, the lady handed me a pen and a clipboard for me to fill out and exchanged some warm words to incourage me not to be scared. I felt my nervousness wearing off because the lady didn't seem mean at all nor did she seem to judge me, she was just there to do her job and to comfort me. After filling out the forms we sat down in some chairs and waited, on the coffee tables beside me were pamphlets about parenthood and AIDS and HIV, also with list of venereal diseases that were common and curable. There were also lots of regular magazines which I was surprised to see, I picked up a copy of Cosmo and waited.
"Miss Cookman were ready for you" I looked at Mary, "do you want me to come with you?" She asked I shook my head no and got up and went alone "I'll be out here when your done." She said. I walked into the door where there were many rooms, "third door to the right a nurse will be in to see you in a moment" the lady said. Walked in and out my purse down, it was a small white room with an examination bed and the usual stuff you'd see at the doctor or hospital. The nurse came in and took my blood pressure and checked everything, and gave me a robe and a cup to pee in, "we will be able to get your results back today so we can see if your pregnant or not and how far along you are, if you are pregnant you can decide on whether you want to terminate your pregnancy or if you want help with your pregnancy and support, we will also be doing an AIDS and HIV test just precautionary and normal." She said I nodded my head at this.
A half hour later the nurse came back with papers, "well the news is that you don't have HIV or any beginning stages of AIDS, you are however pregnant, but your only a five weeks so the child is hardly developed, we will send a doctor in to speak to you about what you want-" "I want the abortion or plan B or whatever you give to terminate it" I said looking down, the lady sighed "well the doctor is coming you can tell him that, don't worry you probably won't need an operation since your so early on, you will probably take a pill or we may set up an aspiration suction" she told to me.
"Um what's that?" I asked "oh the suction, they take a vacuum and suck out anything in the uterus, They will put you to sleep, and it's a very short procedure but you will probably get the pill." She said before leaving.
I was relieved actually, I didn't want an operation at all, so the pill option was the go for me. Twenty or thirty minutes later an older woman walked in and told me that she's Doctor Fillmore and that she would be discussing the plan with me, I told her exactly what I told the nurse, she asked if I was absolutely sure that I wanted to terminate the pregnancy, and if I needed more time to think, but I had all the time to think and I said yes Im ready I can do this.
An hour later a nurse showed up with a tray with a bottle of water and two white cups, "don't worry this should be quick and then you can go home right after you take the first three pills in two days come back for the last two pills you can set up your appointment on the way out" she said but then continued "so this is a new thing this pill" she said jiggling one of the white cups "this pill is mifepristone it causes the embryo to detach from the uterine wall, you won't feel a thing but if you do come in urgently." She said before picking up the second white cup "this pill is misoprostol, it expels the embryo, don't be surprised if you experience heavy bleeding with clotting and bits of tissue for about the next two weeks, after you do these you should come back for a follow up with us to see how your doing" she said before handing me the bottle. She then handed me the two pills and waited for me to take them, I looked at them for a minute before I sadly whispered "I'm sorry" to the unborn child living inside of me and downed the three pills individually.
From the movies and documentaries I've watched I can guarantee that this was some scary shit back in the 90s it doesn't seem as scary now, because we have treatments but it's as important today as it was back in the day, if your sexually active get yourself tested every one tothree months.