Chapter 48
-Peeta-
Katniss is angry with me. I really understand her though. She really doesn't want to go to the Capitol.
We're on the train right now.
Annie and Finn came with, and so did Haymitch. Haymitch took the kids somewhere on the train, I don't really know where to, Annie and I try to get Katniss out of our compartment.
"Katniss please just come out", I say.
"No!" She says.
"Katniss please, if Peeta didn't agree on it, the reporters would've come up with an awful story about why", Annie says. "So just please, come out now".
That's true. But I did it, because Caesar nagged on me. I didn't want to.
I know that Katniss deep down, knows that it's not my fault, but she really doesn't want to go to the Capitol. And I understand her. This brings out so many bad memories and ... oh no.
She's a mutt! the thought pops up in my head.
Oh no. I'm having a flashback.
"Annie ... get away ... from ... me", I pant as I lean on the wall and slides down on my butt.
"Oh no, Katniss!" Annie shouts.
"MUTT, NOTHING BUT A MUTT!" I roar.
She's trying to kill me. That's all she's trying to do. She killed my family. I'm gonna kill her.
No! a voice in my head says.
Yes, she's nothing but a mutt.
"WHEN YOU COME OUT I'M GONNA KILL YOU MUTT!"
"Peeta you don't know what you're saying!" I hear my friend Annie say.
So she's on the mutts side now?
"Who's side are you on anyways?" I yell.
But she's right. What am I saying? A thought says in my head.
I can just open the door.
I stand up from the floor. Why was I sitting there anyways?
I kick on the door and it flies open.
"No Peeta!" Annie shouts.
She tries to hold me back but I just shake her off. She should now better then trying to prevent me from killing a mutt.
Annie starts to talk to me. I ignore her and walk into the room.
"I'M COMING FOR YOU MUTT!" I yell.
I see the mutt sitting on the bed with her back towards me. Perfect. Now I'm gonna kill her once and for all.
"Haymitch!" I hear Annie yell and I hear her run.
Haymitch? A friend? An enemy? A guard? I can't place that name.
"Are you scared mutt?" I ask threateningly as I stop right behind her.
"No", she simply says.
I put my hands on her shoulders and lean my head towards her.
"Well you should!" I whisper threateningly in her ear.
"Why?" The mutt asks, looking down at something in her hands.
Why? Did the mutt not hear what I yelled? She's gonna die! I'm gonna kill her.
"Because I'm gonna kill you mutt".
No your not! I hear a voice in my head shout. Don't hurt Katniss! Snap out of it!
Of course I'm gonna killer her.
"Because I'm gonna..." I say but I hear the voice again. Don't hurt her. You hear?! Don't even dare to touch her! "...Kill you! No I'm not. Yes I am, No! Yes!"
What the fuck am I saying? Of course I'm gonna kill her.
I grip her arms and lift her up.
I crash her against the wall and she hits her head hard. Good! So much easier to kill her.
"You don't want to do this Peeta", she says in a voice I can't understand.
"Yes I do, YOU KILLED MY FAMILY MUTT!" I yell in her face.
The mutt looks at me. I can't read her eyes. Wow those eyes are big. And I'm gonna enjoy to see the light in them disappear when I kill her.
No you won't! The voice is back. Don't even fucking dare kill her, let her the fuck go and kill yourself instead.
I let her go. She falls down on the floor and hits her head hard again.
The voice keeps on screaming in my head.
I hear steps.
A man comes inside the room. He starts to walk towards me but the mutt stops him.
"No don't Haymitch, look", she says and points at me.
What?
She's your girlfriend Peeta! I hear the voice again.
No she's not! She's a mutt.
Aaaahhh. What's happening? Katniss Everdeen. Mutt? Girlfriend? Enemy? Friend? Lover? Ally? Victor? Girl? Human?
Suddenly I can feel how her lips feels against mine.
I don't understand any of this.
She's a mutt. No she's not. Yes she is. No. Yes! NO!
I get a headache of this. I throw my hands up to my ears, trying to block the voices.
The mutt and that Haymitch is looking at me with big eyes. The mutt is bleeding from her head.
That's your fault asshole! I hear the voice scream. You made her bleed her own blood. It's you fault!
She deserves it. I'm gonna kill her.
I take one step towards the mutt, but I stop myself. What am I doing?
I fall down on my knees on the floor.
What are you doing? Kill her.
No don't.
What's happening? Why can't I just kill the mutt.
Because she's not a mutt.
Yes she is. No she's not.
I put my head on my lap.
"Peeta it's okay, just fight it back", I hear a voice say. I think it's the mutt.
I raise my head and put my hands around her throat.
"I'm gonna kill you now mutt!" I shout.
That Haymitch is about to pull me away, when Katniss stops him.
"Don't', she says choked.
What she wants to die?
"Peeta ... I love you so much, just find it in you heart to love me again", she says choked.
In my heart? Love her? Again?
Nothing makes sense.
Let her go, you fool! I hear the voice scream in my head. You're gonna kill her!
Good! No wait ... not good.
I blink hard. Oh no. What am I doing?
I let go of Katniss throat and stand up.
I remember her. Katniss. My girlfriend. The love of my life. My best friend. My everything. My world. And I tried to kill her. Again. Oh no, how could I?
"Oh no Katniss..." I say low. "I'm so sorry".
"Peeta don't, it's not your fault", she says.
She's pale. She bleeds from her head. What the hell did I do? I can't remember anything else but trying to choke her to death.
I fall back on my knees beside her.
"Oh no, what did I do?" I ask horrified as I take a closer look.
I put my hands gently on her head and moves some hair so I can see the wound. I don't think it's that deep, But still. What the hell?!
Haymitch pats my back.
He feels sorry for me. But he should be angry with me. I mean just look at what I did to Katniss for god's sake!
"You just kind off, smashed my head into the wall over there", she says pointing and I look. Oh my god. There is blood on the wall. Oh no. "And after that you seemed unsure of what to do best, like you were confused, so you kind of just dropped me down and I hit my head on the floor".
I look around on the floor, and yes. I can see traces of blood.
I'm horrible. I'm a monster. I should be looked up.
If the orphanage knew about my flashbacks, they would't have let us adopt Stella.
Oh my god Stella! Where is she?
"Where is Stella?" I ask looking at Haymitch who is sitting down beside me and Katniss on the floor now.
"With Annie", he says.
Oh my god! Yes. I was with Annie.
I look at Haymitch but he shakes his head.
"No you didn't hurt her", he says. "You only see Katniss as threat when you have the flashbacks".
Katniss.
"Katniss I'm so sorry, I should be locked up", I say.
And now my tears starts to flow. I'm so horrible. This isn't the first time I've hurt my Katniss. How can she still put up with me? I don't understand why she doesn't just leave me.
"No you're not!" Katniss says and puts a hand to my cheek.
Haymitch pats my back again.
"Haymitch you should be angry with me, not feel sorry for me, just look at what I did", I cry.
"No Peeta, we all know that you're not yourself when you have the flashbacks", Haymitch says, defending me from myself. "You would never hurt Katniss, so don't blame yourself, none of us do".
I wish that I could stop with these flashbacks. Is there ever gonna be a time when I stop with this? When I stop hurting Katniss during these flashbacks?
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Hey guys, how odd you like this chapter?
Please tell m because I really want to know what you guys thought about this chapter, I was a bit unsure about this chapter :/
Please tell me what you thought, please vote and comment, please, please, please :)
-Josephine xx