* Calum's POV *
Where do I start.....??
I broke him.
I didn't mean to.
I thought I was showing him how much he meant to me and how much I cared about him but I ended up causing those terrible memories to come back and I broke him. I couldn't help him, all I could do was hold him.
I will never admit it again but I cried. I cried and sobbed with him, his pain hurting me more. To just hear him so hurt, so badly hurt, it killed me.
Don't hurt me.
Why would I ever hurt you, my love? I've loved you more than I've ever loved anyone but I've hurt you more than I could've imagined.
You always fuck everything up Calum.
I felt him climb out of my arms and I heart his soft footsteps as he made his way to the bathroom, away from me. I didn't move though. I didn't follow him and ask if he was better. I just laid there, eyes closed, wondering what I could've done instead. Of how my life would be without him.
I heard the faucet turn on and I heard him brush his teeth. But I still didn't move.
You say you love him, yet you bring back all his pain.
I'll never admit this again either but I cried again. I rolled over onto my back and I covered my face with my hands as more tears spilled out. Oh how much pain I've caused, only to be returned with ten times worse. Is this how love is supposed to work? Pain?
I heard the shower turn on. If I just lay here....would it go away?
I know what he's feeling. All the pain from the abuse of bullies. I know because every night I'd go through the same thing. Drunk beatings, always at night. It hurts me so much because I know how he feels and I know how much pain he's going through and I hate it because I hate seeing him suffer.
I wipe my face and I stare up at the ceiling. I decide to sit up and wait for him to get out. I should probably get ready for school.
I don't know how I could think about school in a moment like this but I knew he'd want to go and I wasn't going to argue with him.
I sigh and tilt my head back. I push down all the sadness and stuff it in a bottle for later.
I hear the shower turn off. How do I explain how I feel?
I tried getting up but my muscles were sore. I heard shuffling in the bathroom. He's almost done. How do I face him?
I rubbed my eyes again and then closed them tightly together. The bathroom door creaked a little as it opened. I didn't hear anything for a bit.
He's not going to speak to me. He's going to kick me out. He's going to put me on the streets.
I hear his footsteps walk over from around the other side. He walks over and he stops in front of me. I can't look up. He kneels down. Don't open your eyes.
He hugged me.
I sigh and I wrap my arms around him. "I'm sorry." I whispered, another tear falling. I don't think I'll be able to handle it again if he ever breaks down like that again.
"It wasn't your fault." He whispers back, his wet hair tickling my ear. I bury my face in his shoulder and I let out another shaky breath.
"Yes..." I couldn't finish the sentence. I caused it. I brought it all back. I know what he felt and I would've never wished that abuse on another human being, yet I brought all of his pain back.
"Calum." He mumbles.
"Yeah?" I didn't want to hear it.
I don't think this is working out.....
"I love you." He whispers into my ear. My arms tighten around him.
"Really?"
He giggled. "Yes."
Am I making it better? He giggled, does that mean something?
"Don't ever do that to me again, okay?"
"Okay. Can you fix me food now?" He asks, kissing my ear softly.
He's better. I can tell. It may not be from me but at least he's better. "Yes."
He leans back and I open my eyes. I my eyes met with his blue eyes. Tears welled up in my eyes. My vision got blurry and I sniffled. "Don't cry." He said in a soft voice, wiping the tear before it could from.
"I'm not." He closes his eyes and he leans forward and he kisses me softly. I give into him and let all of my emotions pour into that kiss.
I felt so much better after it, knowing that I'm still worthy of his kisses.
He stands up and he pulls me up too. I hug him once more and then we left the room. "We're going to be late for school." I say, holding his hand and leading him into the kitchen.
"We aren't going to school." He says from behind me.
I turn around. "We aren't?"
He shakes his head. "Not worth it."
I smile sadly at him. "True." I turn back around and we looked through the fridge. "Hey, we're picking up Louie today." I remind him.
He lets go of my hand and he walks around the counter and he sits down on the tall stool. "I know. I'm excited."
I ended up finding some pancake mix from on top of the fridge and I pulled it down. I turn around and show him and he nods.
Just add water!
I hope it tastes good. I got out a skillet from the cabinet beside the oven and I turned on the stove.
I pulled out a bowl and I poured as much as I thought we would need. "Is everything ready?" I ask, pouring some water in.
"Yeah, I fixed up most of the stuff yesterday." He says, watching me fix the pancakes.
"Alright." I reply, mixing it. I don't know what to talk about. Wow, that's never happened before. I've always been the chatty one with good topics but now facing him, I couldn't think of anything.
"Sammy says she hates us for skipping." He says, looking down at his phone.
I chuckle. "Tell her to come over." I say sarcastically.
"Okay." He replies. He starts typing.
"No no no. I was just kidding." I laugh and walk over to him. The pancake was forming on the skillet.
"Oh. Why can't she come over?" He asks, looking up.
I shrug. "I wanna spend the whole day with you. Not just me and you plus one."
He smiles. "Okay." He went back to his phone and I went to flip the hotcakes.
I felt as if I should be careful with him. Like I'll break him again. I couldn't handle the first break down and I'm sure I wouldn't be able to handle the second one.
I fixed at least six pancakes, three for him and three for me. I knew he probably wouldn't finish but I still fixed him three.
When they were cooled off I fixed a plate and took out the butter and syrup. He sat down at the little table and I took his plate over there and I set down everything. I grabbed us a fork and butter knife and I sat down. I handed him his fork and the knife and he started fixing his plate. I didn't like a lot of butter on my pancakes or sometimes no butter at all. I just cut up the pancake and put syrup all over it.
I took a bite and it actually tasted pretty good. I watched him eat it and I saw his eyes spark up.
Yes! You did something good!
I gobbled up all of the pancakes and it was delicious. We finished quick and he thanked me. He leans back in the chair when he was done, rubbing his stomach. "That was good." He says, leaning back over to me.
"I know right. Who would've thought..." I couldn't help but stare at his lips. I wanted to kiss him badly but I held back.
Don't break him again.
To distract myself, I stand up and take the plates to the sink. I glance back at him and he was frowning down at the table. "So what do you want to do?" I ask, washing the dishes.
He comes up behind me and he puts up all of the other things. "I don't know. Why don't we just watch a movie?" He leans up against the counter and watches me wash the dishes.
"Yeah, that'd be nice." I said, not really paying attention. I turn off the faucet and I turn to him. He leaned forward to touch me but I kinda swerved out of his way. "I'll get it ready." I said, making up an excuse.
I walk to the little living room and I turn on the tv. He sits down on the couch with a sigh. He crosses his arms and he scoffs.
I sit down on the opposite side of him and I look over at him. "Are you okay?" I ask.
He nods his head and he clenched his jaw. He's lying. What have you done now Calum?
I gulp and I look through the channels. I decided to just put on Netflix. I waited for it to load and I leaned back on the couch.
I glanced down at the space between me and Theo. I wondered if I should scoot closer but I decided against it.
Don't wanna break him again if he's not ready.
I looked through the movies, trying to find what to. He leans over and he puts his hand on my thigh. I tense up. "Theo, what are you doing?"
He crawls over and he climbes on top on me, swinging his leg over me and sitting down on my lap. My pulse raced and my hands clench. "Kiss me." He whispers, turning my face towards his.
I felt my body growing hotter and I knew that if he kept on that up wouldn't be able to hold back. "No." I mumbled, resisting the urge to give in.
He pulls back, looking into my eyes. "You're not going to break me. I'm not a fucking child, Calum." He climbs off of me and when I reach out to him, he swatted me away. "I broke down once and now you won't even touch me." He whispers, turning away from me.
I stood up and took a step towards him but he just shoved me back. "I'm sorry. I just didn't think you were ready."
"What are you fucking talking about?" He asked, his voice rising with anger.
"I forced myself onto you the first time and you shoved me away. I'm not going to try again and end up with the same result. I don't want to see you cry again."
The hard look on his face didn't falter. "Was it so bad that you can't even touch me or kiss me anymore? Do you think that I'm that fragile just cause I'm cried? It wasn't your fault. I don't know how many times I have to tell you that!"
My stomach clenched with an unknown feeling. My hands clench and unclenched. I remember what he said from last night. He didn't want me. He just wanted me to help him with his own pain. He only wanted me to help him forget.
Like me.
Like how I'd fuck away my pain and memories. It reminded me of so much of me that it felt wrong.
"Are you disgusted by me Calum?" He asks in a low voice. He must've figured out what I was thinking.
"No! Never Theo! If anything, it's quiet the opposite." I said, reaching for him again. He didn't push me away this time. I grab his wrists and I pull him to me.
"Then why won't you touch me? Why do you tease me instead of just getting it over with?" His hard look vanishes and he looks down.
I let out a shaky breath and I let go of him. "Because I want it to be special. You're the first person that I've ever actually loved and I'm talking physically too. My brother and mother don't count." I chuckle. "I want to take my time with you. I don't want our first time to be just because you want me to help you forget." I scoff.
He looks back up at me. His glasses are low on his nose and his usual sparkling blue eyes were now filled with sadness. "That's not true." He says, still rejecting it.
"It is and you know it is." I said. He looks back down again, taking a step back.
"I'm going to bed." He turns around and walks off to his room.
I follow like a lost puppy.
He turns around and he glanced at me. "No." He said.
But I didn't listen. Instead, I drag him down with me and I held him tight to my chest.
"Calum, I'm mad at you. Get away from me." He says, struggling to get away. I wrap my arms around his waist and I press his back closer to me.
"I don't care if your mad, you're mine and I can do what I want." I said, snuggling my face into his hair. My lips brushed up softly against his neck and he relaxes into my embrace.
"Whatever. You're a dick." He mumbles, not resisting anymore.
"I know." I mumble back, closing my eyes.
"But I love you." He says, his body relaxing as he drifts asleep in my arms.
"I know."
*******
Hope y'all enjoy this book as much as I like writing it! Don't be shy to leave a comment about something you like or about a scene! :)