"Thought I'd find you here."
These are the first words I've said to Garth today. In a way, it feels natural, but at the same time it feels distorted. Out of all the things I could have said, I had to say that. It was already too late to take it back now.
It's easy to make him out, mostly because he's wearing the same clothes he was wearing earlier. Also, there's the fact that no one else would even consider coming to this park so late in the evening. Caution drawn from parents seemed to trump the fact that nothing bad ever happened in this town.
Well, at least nothing bad happened on the surface.
With his head turned skyward it was hard to know if he was blanking me out, stuck in some contemplative thought, or if he was having a little bit of a power nap. Honestly, it wouldn't have surprised me if it was the latter.
Tugging at the edges of my jacket, I moved forward through the clearing and into the park. As I came closer, I could make out the faded laces on his scuffed beyond repair sneakers. The wind was not as wild as it usually was, only rattling the chains of the swings slightly. Everything still managed to creak under the weight of that one errant breeze though. It sort of made me anxious in a way I couldn't even begin to explain.
My feet crunched against the marshy, dead leaves underfoot, giving away my presence slightly. Still, the other boy did not move from his position, instead letting his arms fold across his chest.
"There's a lady who's sure, all that glitters is gold," he softly says to himself. It's not in tune like one would expect. He's just saying the words as if they're supposed to have some meaning to this moment. If they do, it is completely lost on me. I'm not sure if Garth is just being complicated for the sake of being deep and complicated, or if there are actual thoughts flying through his head that would consume him whole if he spoke them aloud.
Hands taking the railing of the merry-go-round, I place a foot on and then kick off gently. "And she's buying a stairway to heaven," I finish for him in tune as we spin in place.
When I turn to look at him it feels like the lights are on but no one is home. Fingers drum a rhythm onto his chest, and I can't be sure if it's the song he was just singing or if it's just some random rhythm. The hazel of his eyes are so obscured by the black pupils as they stare skyward, as if expecting to see something there.
The sky is dark, but it's not so dark that we'll actually see stars. Maybe if we waited a good twenty minutes or so, that would be the case.
My foot kicks off again, spinning us round a little bit faster this time. We're weighted down by the feet that he has dangling over the edge. He makes this moat around the rim. The scraping sound almost sounds like a record revolving that hasn't felt the needle press smoothly against it just yet.
Slowly, he turns to face me. "Do you believe in god?"
The question came from nowhere, and it made my footing slip slightly. My eyes danced away from his, locking down at my feet in the excuse that I was trying not to stumble over recklessly. But even then that would only buy me precious seconds to process a response. Even without looking, I can tell his head is still faced towards mine and awaiting a response.
As I bring my head up, I just stare forward. It wasn't something I'd thought about in a while, but mostly because I didn't need to think about it. If there was a god, he was practically dead to me. If there wasn't a god, then life was just a tragic series of events that happened randomly. These 'if' scenarios only worked on a wavelength of 'what do I think of the idea of the existence of a god.'
I decided that the best response was no response. With a light shrug, I turned to face him. "Can't say that I've thought about it much," I reply.
A soft but broken smile came to his face before he turned back skyward. "I was raised catholic," he started. With the shortest of breaks, he let loose a sigh, making him appear much smaller than he actually was. "I guess deep down I still am, despite my... preferences."
There was no ill-will in his tone. The way he spoke seemed off the fly, but the way he looked right through the clouds and into space, it seemed like this was something he thought about a lot.
"Don't talk about it a lot," he continued. "Though really most people don't seem to care about me enough to even know."
This hit me especially hard.
It felt like because I didn't know this one detail that he had never discussed, that it meant I didn't care. Obviously, that wasn't the point he was trying to make right now. But it still didn't take the sting out from the blow coming from nowhere.
I cared. I cared a lot. Maybe I even cared too much.
"Heaven is supposed to be this utopian paradise. A place where there is no need for judgement, or anything for that matter."
All at once, I don't like where this is going.
Garth turns to face me again. "Why am I still here when I could be there instead?" The way he asked just seemed so somber and melancholy.
Pulling my arms back into the sleeves of my jacket, I pushed us again, spinning slower this time. It was more than an excuse to keep his mind of the subject. It was also giving me time to come up with an appropriate response.
"I thought it was a sin to like... you know," I informed him, trying to mince my words the best I could.
He chuckled softly. "There are a ton of things that are sins that most people do on the daily," he rebutted, "besides, hell doesn't sound like it'd be all that bad either."
"Oh yeah, fiery pits, endless suffering, an eternity of nothing." I stomped my foot into the earth, jerking us to a slow stop. The frown on my face could not have been wider. "That sounds like a real blast. I honestly mean that Garth."
"Will you shut the fuck up and let me make my point?" he said half-annoyed, half-jokingly. There was a small flick of his eyes as they rolled back.
Slowly, I began to sit down, facing away from Garth. There was something about his point I didn't need to hear. At the same time, I wanted to know everything about him. Garth was the Earth, and I was the Moon; forever caught in his orbit until the day he stopped existing.
"These past few months, they've been some of the best day's I've ever had." The way his voice had retracted made me think that maybe he was done. "I've always thought that happiness was just a state of being, something you had to will yourself to feel. I never thought I'd meet someone who's told me that it's okay to be sad. Someone who actually had the tenacity to say with a straight-face that everything was fine, even when he was burning up inside."
I felt his hands grasp the back of my leather jacket and tug at it softly. "Living has never been an easy thing for me." This time he tugged harder, almost causing me to fall back. "Knowing you has made my life easier. I am forever changed just for knowing someone like you."
It was only then that I began to lower myself down to his level, to look up at the darkening sky. It still had a ways to go, but at least now there was some semblance of stars dotting the sky.
Saying something would only leave me breathless, so I chose to say nothing for now. I'd already exhausted two heart-to-hearts today and it would kill me if I had to have a third right now. Except this one would actually matter to me a lot. It would open the skies and show me what I needed to know.
"The point I'm trying to make," he reached for my hand, and our fingers intertwined, "is that I don't want to go back to that life. I don't want to shut myself off."
My hand squeezed his as I turned to face him. We were lying at opposite ends, and now we were face to face, eye to eye. Albeit our heads were pointing north and south retrospectively but that wasn't the point.
"What do you want from me Garth," I asked, my voice soft enough to become a whisper next to the creaking of the playground equipment.
With a stern face, he moved in closer, baiting me. "All I want is transparency. If you can give me that I don't need anything else."
"I'm always honest with you."
"Transparency and honesty are not the same thing. Honesty is telling the truth, but transparency is telling me why the truth is the way it is." He paused, taking a moment to digest his own words. "You can be honest without telling me everything."
"Alright," I said, "what do you want to know."
There was a long period of silence. Before he even said it, I knew what he was going to say.
"Do you... what I want to say is if... you know, there's any part of you that... reciprocates, yeah reciprocates, um..."
Before he could finish, I leaned in closer. The moment was ripe and there. All I had to do was go out and seize it. Garth wanted me to be transparent about my feelings and my thoughts.
That was fair. All that closing myself had given me so far was too many headaches and so much heartache to boot. The thing with being transparent though is giving yourself to someone so intimately that they have this ammunition to use against you. It becomes a matter of trust.
Can I really trust a boy like Garth Vega?
My head is not what it should be. There is no raging swarm of thoughts circulating. There's only mellowness and stillness. The only thoughts that come are the ones reminding me to breathe. And then there's that other one that's lurking.
That one at the back of my head that's whispering it's thought so subtly and so softly. Except by the time I'm paying attention it is neither subtle or silent.
Kiss him. Kiss this boy who understands you better than anyone you will ever meet.
And so, I do.
Under the light of moon. Under the blossoming starlight. Under the utopian in the sky.
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a/n: so it's been a while since i've done one of these so forgive me if i'm a bit rusty. i just thought this would be the right chapter to do it on, considering what happens.
i just wanted to talk about the future of supernovas & escapism for a moment. as many of you may have realized, the time between each shift is five chapters. my plan for this book is to give each garth and xavier a fair amount between themselves. this means that i'm planning an end come chapter fifty.
but please don't worry about that too much, we're still a bit aways. plus i might be working on some kind of epilogue... or a sequel (note: i'm kind of working out the kinks on a sequel)
i'd love to have more interaction though. let me know what you guys think. what are some of the bigger questions you have about the book? are there parts you love? parts you can't stand? parts that just make no god-damn sense? please, let me know, i'm only human after all
i think i've rambled for far enough. i do that sometimes.