I stared blankly out at the grey world passing by as Sophie drove myself and Flynn down to Bill's house the next day. She knew exactly where to go, having come to visit me multiple times when I was still dating Bill.
That felt like a long time ago, dating Bill. It was only about two weeks ago, but to me it felt like years had passed. It was crazy. All that time spent with Bill seemed like it had only taken a day, despite it being almost a year; it didn't seem nearly as long as the time spent without him.
But that's the thing about relationships, you've got to cherish every last second with them, because eventually they're going to be gone. And you're never going to to get them back, no matter how hard you try. If you do, it just won't be the same.
That's probably what scared me the most; the fact that if we did manage to work things out, would it be like it was before? Would we stay up late just talking to each other in the dark? Would we watch old kids movies and find them romantic? Would we make pointless plans over breakfast to travel the world and never leave each other's side? Would we still love each other?
The car's engine silenced, coming to a halt in a side road. Bill's house was just on the other side of some trees that were keeping us hidden. This was it.
"Do I really have to do this?" I asked meekly, my heart already starting to thud in my chest. It was beating so hard that I was afraid it would burst right out my ribs and start hopping about on the floor.
Sophie patted my knee, giving me a reassuring smile. "Holl, I know you can do it. I'll go down there with you, okay?"
I sighed, nodding, even though I knew it wouldn't really help. There had to be something that would prevent me from having to go and talk to him. Last night I had been really eager to go, to just find out how he was. But now we were actually here I just wanted to go home and go to bed.
"What if he's busy though? I mean, it'd be awful to intrude if he's got guests round. Maybe we should come back another time." I suggested hopefully.
Flynn laughed at me, leaning forwards, resting his arms on the two seats in front of him. "Holly, hun, what's gonna happen if we do go away and come back, hm? What if he's busy the next time we come?"
"We go away and never bother again." I muttered, folding my arms.
Sophie pulled the keys out of the ignition, sliding them into her coat pocket. "Well that won't happen, we're not leaving until you and speak to him." She told me, adding, "If you don't you're gonna regret it forever. I know what you're like."
After a little while longer, I was finally encouraged to get out the car, Sophie coming with me, neatening my hair as we walked through the thick snow, towards Bill's house.
"Crap, it's freezing." Sophie breathed, shaking the powdery white snow from her boots.
I tightly hugged my arms, glaring down at my outfit. "I wish I'd worn something nicer. I look like a fucking two year old."
Sophie frowned at me. She had helped me choose my outfit, and thought I looked lovely, though I was pretty sure she only did it because she wanted practice before her baby came. If it were up to her, she'd spend all day dressing me and Flynn up like toddlers to get perfect outfits for her 'little bundle of joy'.
We stopped at the top of the drive way, looking down at Bill's large house. I had never understood why Bill and Tom got such a large house and monster-sized cars, they didn't need it, it was all just a lonely waste of space.
"Go on then, good luck." Sophie nudged me with her elbow, but I couldn't move.
It was funny. I could picture myself walking down past the two giant cars, taking hold of the shiny silver knocker and calmly handing him the present when he answered, but I couldn't actually do it. I couldn't move.
What if Bill didn't answer? What if it was Tom? Or someone else, someone I didn't know?
"I think it's better if we just go." I murmured, trying to turn and push past Sophie, to go back to the car, but she caught hold of my arm and wouldn't let go.
"Holly, please. I know you can do this. Please, you don't have to talk to him for long, just give him the present, ask how he's doing and say you have to run. It'll be five minuets at the most, I swear." she looked straight into my eyes, pleading with me. "Just please be brave. For me?"
Even with her little pep talk, I still couldn't bring myself to moving. It was simple enough. All I had to do was knock on the door, but still, I was too scared.
Sophie must have realized that I wasn't able to do anything by myself, because she grabbed hold of my arm and walked me down the driveway, knocked loudly on the door, and -as quickly as she could manage- jogged back up the drive so that she was out of sight.
This was it, my decision had been made for me. I was going to talk to him. I could feel my legs trembling under me. If I got any more nervous, I was definitely going to collapse.
I wasn't entirely sure how long it took for the door to open, but the moment it did I knew it was Bill. He always ducked his head down, as if he was going into something small, his hair falling forwards over his shoulders.
At first, it did't seem to register that he was looking at me. He just stood there, blankly for a moment, before his eyes grew wide. "Holly?"
"Hi." I murmured, my voice so quiet that I was certain I had made no noise at all. "I got your present."
He nodded, rubbing the back of his neck like he always did when he was thinking. "Do you wanna come in? We're having lunch soon, but I'm certain we can squeeze you in somewhere."
"Oh, um," I turned back, searching for Sophie, "I can't. Sophie and Flynn are waiting for me in the car. Sorry."
"They can join us too, the more the merrier. Yeah?" he suggested, giving me a big smile.
I sighed, shaking my head. "I'm sorry Bill, I can't. We have to go home, they've got things to do." I looked up into his face, almost instantly looking away again. "I just came to give you this." I held out the present. I had worked for hours cleaning the little pocket watch, finding it a box to go in and wrapping it in bright red paper.
He took it in his long, slender hands, a distant expression on his face. "Holly, you didn't have to. I know I got you the necklace, but seriously you didn't-" he trailed off, sighing slightly. "Thank you, Holly."
I wanted to talk to him more, hear his voice for a little longer, but I couldn't think of anything good to say. "Well, I better get going. Things to do, places to go."
"Wait." he grabbed hold of my wrist, turning me around to face him. "I'm sorry. I'm really, really sorry. I didn't mean what I said, I was just being stupid. Please, we can work this out."
But as I looked up into his eyes, I realized something. I didn't love him anymore. My heart didn't flip when I saw him, I didn't get butterflies when I heard his voice. I didn't love him, not like I used to.
I pulled my hand away from him, sighing heavily. I was completely empty inside. There was just nothing. If I didn't love him anymore, then there was absolutely nothing. Was that better? Was being completely numb better than the pain of loving him? Would there still be pain?
"Bill, since you sent me away I have done nothing but worry about what would happen to us. I've never been able to think of anything but us. I've desperately wanted to be able to turn back time and stop it from happening. But now, I don't really care." For once, I didn't break eye contact with him, my voice didn't shake. I felt brave for letting myself talk. "I have been hurting so much, that I've just gotten used to it. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't stop hurting. Please, just tell me, is it like this for you?"
He bit his lip, looking down at his feet. He didn't give me a verbal answer, but really, I didn't need one. Truthfully, I already knew what his answer would be, before I'd even asked.
"I thought that I wanted you back, I thought that it'd make me feel better to be with you again, but no. All I want is to be able to forget about you. To hear your name and not hurt. I want to be free from all this pain." Pausing slightly, I could feel tears starting to sting my eyes slightly. "So, I'm going to go. And I really, really don't want you to follow me, or stop me. I just want to go."
There were tears in his eyes when he looked up at me, nodding. "Goodbye." He said, his voice cracking slightly.
Gulping back a shaky sigh I replied 'Goodbye', my voice almost as quiet as when I had started.
Slowly, I made my way up the drive, back to Sophie and Flynn and the warm safety of the car.
Bill watched me as I went. Or at least, I think he did. I didn't look back to check, but the door didn't close until I was out of earshot, so I assumed he stayed.
Flynn gave me a large grin when I got back to the car, "So, how did it go?"
I sat down silently, pulling the seat belt across myself, not looking at either of them. "Just take me home. Please."