Running away from things had been my mantra for the longest time. I'm not sure I understood why I had this need to bundle everything down. All I do know is that it made me work. Without pushing everything down, I wouldn't function like a proper person and no one wanted that, not even me. By trying to save myself, I was further taking myself down a dangerous path.
I understand that now. However, the difference between understanding something and applying it to the real world is massive. Just because I think I know what I'm doing, doesn't mean that I do.
Sabrina, being the lovely person that she was, dropped me off at home. I didn't even need to ask; she just got up and grabbed her keys. Throughout the journey, I was doing my best not to bleed my feet onto the floor, or mess things up further than I already had.
We didn't talk, mostly because the mere act of talking would break me again. My own sadness comes in waves, but the flood comes whenever it's acknowledged or addressed. I've come to realize that it's hard to stop the downpour when you've been feeling it all your life. There's something refreshing about it though, mostly because I understand that even now she's looking out for my best interests. The silence reminds me that we're both just people trying to make it through this crazy stupid world.
Silence is the only thing that even gives me a modicum of comfort anymore. And maybe that's my problem.
When I swing my legs out of the car and onto the sidewalk, even turning back proves too much. To be honest, looking at her is going to kill me. I know that nothing will be the same between us. It's both terrifying and beautiful at the same time, and it's the only thing giving me confidence right now. But I manage to face her one last time anyway.
Like the first day in sophomore calculus, she looks at me with that same optimistic smile. It's the one that always reminds me at the end of the day things will be fine. I'm starting to believe that. The things that are broken in my life can be repaired. Friendships I'd discarded were still there waiting for me. Family I'd treated so poorly were always going to have my back.
All I had to do was look.
As the car sets in motion again, I give a small wave, a small token of thanks for everything that she's done for me. I thought I needed her. She was this security blanket I'd grown so fond of, and now that I realized I didn't need her, I wanted to hold her all the tighter.
But letting go is not necessarily a bad thing; it's a chance to defy gravity and be weightless. It allows us to bring new things into our lives.
As I turn back to face the front door, I halt in my steps. Glory stands at the top step, arms to her side and leaning against the railing. She looks so content with herself, like she has everything mapped out. Her eyes narrowed onto me, as a crooked smile dimmed itself onto her face. There was something about it that seemed the slightest tad off.
No one could blame her for waiting for me. My brazen flight into the early morning air had been so radical that it was obviously going to raise some eyebrows.
"You're not gonna run away from me, are you?" she asked, her tone serious whilst still holding this nimble quality to it.
"Never."