Hello beautiful people!
I really do hope you like this chapter, I've spent alot of effort on it :)
Let me know what you think! Comment, Vote, Fan!!
Lots of Love,
Kate .xx
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Louis woke up in a bed that wasn't his own. He felt hot and sticky, probably due to the multitude of blankets on top of him. His head hurt and his eyes felt raw from crying. He threw the covers off and tiredly sat up, rubbing at his sleepy eyes. He looked sound the room, his eyes a bit blurry, and upon seeing the mirror that covered the whole of the left wall, he knew exactly where he was. He didn't remember going to sleep last night, he only remembered feeling completely and utterly miserable, and Zayn giving a lovely speech - but his emotions hadn't changed overnight. He felt drained, hurt, numb, anxious, disorientated and more vulnerable than he'd ever felt in his life. All Louis wanted to do was crawl back into the bed and hide away forever. Then there was the fact that Zayn knew how he felt about Harry. The first person ever to know that he, Louis Tomlinson, had feelings for his best friend, Harry Styles. Not just feelings of friendship and happiness, no no. Feelings of lust, of want and desire, feelings towards Harry that Zayn felt towards his fiancé. It wasn't normal. Louis was weird. He felt like an outcast, he felt like even though Zayn was fine with his emotions, the rest of the lads wouldn't be - Harry especially. He wasn't gay, he only felt this way with Harry. Harry was still his best friend, but now he was a best friend that Louis wanted to kiss.
Louis dragged himself out of bed after 45 minutes of laying in the dreary, horrid silence. He stood up and stretched, back cracking in all different places. As he was slowly making his way out of the room, he caught sight of his gloomy appearance in one if Zayn’s mirrors. He looked the same as he felt; drained. His skin was washed out, and his eyes were not their usual bright blue, his emotions causing them to be a light, unreadable grey.
As he walked into the lounge, had to contain his laughter as he saw Zayn sprawled across the couch, arms and legs going in every direction. Usually, he'd laugh at his friends funny positioning, but today, he didn't. It just made him feel bad that he had taken over his friend’s bed - not that he remembered it - and that Zayn had been forced to sleep on the couch. What sort of friend am I, Louis scoffed, kicking my friend out of his own bed.
"Hey Lou," said a muffled voice and Louis jumped at the realization that Zayn, was in fact awake. He shifted uncomfortably, also realizing that he had been staring at the male. Zayn pull his head out of the pillow to twist around and look at Louis, just to make sure that the older man was there, and that he hadn't been speaking to himself.
"Hi," Louis said sheepishly, forcing a small smile. Louis was thankful that it was too early in the morning for Zayn's brain to pick up that the smile was fake. He just couldn't be bothered explaining the reason why his body felt so disconnected from reality, because in all honesty, he himself didn't even know. Zayn laid his head back down on his navy blue pillow, and watched through half open lids as Louis lowered himself into the armchair next to the couch.
"Whaddya doin' today?" Louis' shaky voice run throughout the room, and Zayn could tell that the older male was putting up a brave front. He yawned, taking a moment to think about his answer. He could see right through Louis' attempts of trying to act casual, but decided to leave it. He knew that if Louis wanted to talk about it, he'd approach Zayn in his own time.
"Goin' over to Shannon's for a bit," he finally replied. He hadn't seen his girlfriend - sorry - fiancé in what felt like forever, and today he planned on spending some quality time with her. "Oooo," Louis teased, "spending time with the wifey!" He waggled his eyebrows up and down, causing Zayn to burst out laughing. "She's not my wife, Lou. Well, yet!" he said the last part excitedly, because well, he was excited. He couldn't believe that him and Shannon were getting married - it was such a big step, but one that Zayn knew he wouldn't regret. He loved Shannon, he loved her voice, her pretty blonde hair, her captivating blue eyes, the way she understood him and his emotions, the way he understood each one of her smiles. He loved the way tingles ran up and down his spine when their fingers intertwined, the way they could lie together for hours, never getting bored of each other. He wanted to have a family with her, wake her up in the morning with breakfast in bed, he wanted them to grow old together. And he couldn't wait till the upcoming day when he could finally call her his wife.
Zayn was knocked out of his thoughts by a sad sigh. He looked up to see Louis with his head resting on his chin, staring into the distance, obviously deep in thought. He felt so sorry for the older man. He wanted Louis to be able to feel the way that he felt about Shannon. He wanted Louis to be loved - not just looked after and cherished, but really LOVED. He wanted him to wake up in the morning, wrapped in someone’s embrace. He wanted someone to look at Louis like he was their whole world. He wanted Louis to giggle for hours with his lover, just rolling round being carefree. He wanted Louis to feel like he could conquer anything in the world, because he has his lover right by his side and nothing could ever hurt him because the love he felt overpowered it all. He wanted Louis to be happy. And right then in that moment, Zayn vowed that he would never let anyone or anything break his heart - not now, not ever.
-*-
Harry had left Niall's early that morning, not daring to wake the Irishman, but leaving a thank you note. He didn't go back home, though. He couldn't bring himself to go back to the place that held so much emotion and heartbreak, so many unsaid words, and words said that should never have been said in the first place. He didn't want to go back to his and Louis' flat, because he would be forced to think about Louis more than he already was. Today's the day, he thought. Todays the day I'll tell them, I'll let them know what I did. I'll let them judge me and hate me because in all honesty I deserve it. But he wasn't going to give up on them, just because they hated him. That would look like he was saying, "Yeah, that's right. I slept with Eleanor. Hate me all you want, cause I don't give a flaming rats ass what you think of me!!" because he did. He cared so much about how the boys would react. He cared about their friendships; he cared about their feelings, the welfare of the band. But most of all, he cared about Louis. He didn't want to hurt him, to break his heart even more than it was already broken. So that's why he left Niall’s that morning and went to Starbucks, to think about how he was going to tell them, how he was going to cause as little damage as possible. When he left Niall’s that morning, he wasn't only thinking of himself, like he was the night with Eleanor. When he left Niall’s that morning, he was thinking about Louis, and everything in the world he could possibly do to not hurt him.
-*-
It was 1:53pm when all of the boys got an identical text message.
Meet me at Niall's in 10 minutes. We all need to talk .xx
Louis felt his heart catch in his throat as his phone vibrated and his phone lit up with the name 'Curly'. Why was Harry texting him? He gulped, sliding the bar at the bottom of his iPhone and typing in his pin. When the message finally showed up and he read it, he felt a bit disappointed. Not because the message wasn't one of apology, but because he felt as though Harry ACCIDENTALLY sent it to him. He felt as though the meeting was meant to be kept quiet from him, like the boys were gathering to bitch about him, or form a plan as to how they were going to kick him out of the band. He'd never felt like this before, so... So down, so negative and heartbroken that he just didn't know what to do with himself. For the past two hours, Louis had been lying on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. Zayn had gone over to Shannon's telling Louis to "lock up when you're done here, and I'll see you later babe!” Louis had been left alone with himself again; free to let every single one of his thoughts wash over him, suffocating him as if to say "This is what you get for being a FAGGOT."
But somehow, he found the strength to tear himself away from the couch, make his hair look half decent, and show up at the "Group meeting" right on time.
But did he make the right choice to go?
-*-
Liam, Louis, Niall and a very angry Zayn sat in Niall’s living room, waiting for Harry who was ten minutes late. Zayn kept huffing and puffing, and soon enough, Liam couldn't deal with it anymore.
"Far out man, what the hell is your problem?!" he said, raising his voice slightly more than necessary. Zayn huffed at him, getting even angrier. "I don’t know man, maybe it's the fact that today I was spending some quality time with my fiancé, whom I haven't seen in months, might I add, only to be dragged away from that to a group meeting where the bloody man of the hour isn't even present!!!!" Zayn’s voice was loud and angry, but somewhat sad. Liam threw his head back with bitter laughter. "You're pissed off because you got dragged away from your fiancé, to do something for the BAND?? That band that you're a part of, remember? The one with four other guys, the one you agreed to be in?!? THIS IS YOUR JOB ZAYN. GET THE HELL OVER YOUR MOOD AND BE A TEAM PLAYER FOR ONCE." Louis and Niall had shrunk back in fear; they'd never seen Liam get so angry, especially at Zayn. Those two boys understood each other, understood their motives. But today in particular they were crashing heads. Fiercely.
"A TEAM PLAYER?? I AM A BLOODY TEAM PLAYER, LIAM. I GIVE 110% TO THIS JOB, TO THIS BAND. DONT YOU DARE GO TELLING ME THAT I NEED TO BE MORE OF A TEAM PLAYER!!!"
"MAYBE I WOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU IF YOU ACTUALLY DID IT!!! YOURE BEING SUCH A FREAKING JERK LATELY ZAYN, WE HAVE FEELINGS TOO YOU KNOW!! WHAT YOU DO AFFECTS US. START BEING A PART OF THIS BAND AGAIN, OR ELSE I'LL-"
Liam’s words were cut off by a nervous Harry, who had just appeared at the door. "Hey g-guys. Sorry 'm late." he said quietly. He manoeuvred around the door, closing it firmly behind him and removing his coast and shoes, before making his way over to an empty armchair. Liam and Zayn just glared at each other and sat back down, not even realizing in the heat of the argument that they had stood up. Zayn sat on the arm of the chair Louis was in, and rested his arm around the older man’s shoulder, trying to protect him in any way possible. He could hear Louis breathing unsteadily, and if you looked very closely at his hands, you could see that he was shaking. This was the first time he'd seen Harry since the small, stupid 'incident' and he was obviously scared of what was to come. He didn't think he'd be able to handle it if Harry addressed him personally, let alone made eye contact.
Harry fidgeted nervously with his long fingers, as his eyes darted around the room. He didn't know what to say. His throat had gone dry and all the words he had planned on saying had left his mind. Damn it.
"Err, Harrys got something to tell you guys," Niall said as nervously as Harry would, encouraging the younger man to own up to his mistakes.
"Y-yes I do," Harry said, his voice unsteady. "F-first of all, I'd like to.. Th-thank you all for coming at such a um, such short n-notice." he didn't know where to look. He was too scared of locking eyes with any of the boys, allowing them to see the endless stream of emotions flicking through his eyes. So instead he kept his gaze locked to his fingers, that he was holding together tightly to try and hide the fact that he was shaking terribly. He gulped nervously, forcing himself to continue talking.
"I... I need to tell you guys something," he said a bit louder, glancing sideways at Niall for a bit of reassurance and strength. "Before I do so, I want you to know that I say this with a heavy heart. I'm not happy about this incident, the only feelings I feel are total regret and shame. I fully understand if you guys don't want to talk to me ever again," he snuck a glance at Louis when he said that part, (the older boy seemed to find the brown, fluffy carpet quite interesting, and by the looks of it was being comforted by Zayn who's hand was massaging Louis' shoulder. Harry was oddly jealous.) "But I can't go on keeping this to myself because it's honestly eating me alive. I also fear that one day, it may put the band in jeopardy, and it would be selfish to keep it to myself knowing that it could have a bad effect on the band." Liam nodded to himself, feeling a bit proud that Harry was being so grown up and seriously worry snot the band. Harry took a deep breath, closing his eyes and taking a few seconds to find and build up every tiny slither of confidence he had in him. He silenced his mind, focusing solely on the four words that he was about to say next.
"I slept with Eleanor," he said the words clearly, not wanting to repeat that sentence. Gasps were heard from all around the room, but Harry didn't look up, his eyes still closed and head hanging. If he couldn’t bear to make eye contact with them even before he told them his horrific secret, how on earth was he supposed to now?!
His head spun with every possible reaction the boys would have. They’d be mad, that much Harry knew. But what extent would they go to with that anger? Would Louis kick him out, and none of the boys take him in? Would they look at him with a disgusted look whenever he was in their presence? Or would they just forget about it? Harry mentally beat himself up. Of course they’re not going to forget about it, he said to himself, they’re much more likely to kick me out of the band than fo- His train of thought was cut off by the scary realisation, that the boys could in fact kick him out of the band. That was the one thought that scared him the most. If the boys stopped talking to him, that’d be okay because at least he still has their company. But if he was kicked out of the band… He’d lose 5 people that mean more than the world to him. His 5 best friends that are basically the brothers he never had. He’d lose Niall and the times they squabbled over food, he’d lose the strict influence of Daddy Direction. He’d lose the joy of finally figuring out what moody Zayn was thinking. But the thing that hit him most was that he’d be losing his best friend of all – Louis. Crazy, banterous Louis who was there for Harry no matter what. Except this, Harry thought. Louis will never forgive me. These are all the freaking things I should have been thinking about before I went and made this… this STUPID mistake!!!
Harry was bought out of his thoughts once again, but this time it was from a movement catching his eye. He looked up cautiously, only to see that Zayn had stood from where he was seated on the arm of Louis’ chair, and he looked furious. No, scratch that, he looked absolutely livid. His fists were clenched and he looked as if he could kill Harry with a single touch. He took small steps towards Harry, only stopping when he stood directly over the younger male. Harry cowered back into the chair, scared of the strength that he knew Zayn had in him. He could hear Zayn grinding his teeth together, trying to keep back all the horrible words that would pierce through Harry’s heart. But Harry truly and honestly believed that he deserved any harsh words that would be said, or yelled, to him that afternoon. He braced himself for the worst, but as soon as Zayn opened his mouth to speak, he was cut off by a small barely audible voice.
“Zayn, just.. Just leave it,” the voice practically whispered. Harry knew exactly who that voice belonged to.
Louis.
His eyes shot away from Zayn’s stare in a desperate attempt to connect with Louis’. But as soon as their eyes met, he immediately wished he hadn’t searched for them. Louis’ eyes weren’t their usual piercing blue; they were a greyish, dull blue that made Harry want to cry. His face looked tired – eyes puffy from lack of sleep, mouth turned into a thin, expressionless shape, and if you squinted hard enough, you could see the stubble growing carelessly on his chin making him look that much older. For some reason, though, Harry couldn’t break his eyes away from the older boys. He searched for emotion, anything to make him feel at ease. Anything to let him know that the boy was okay, or that this wasn’t going to mess up their friendship. But no matter how hard his eyes searched the ones of Louis, all he could find was a cold, blank emotion.
“C-come on boys,” Niall whispered, gesturing for Liam and Zayn to follow him into the kitchen and leave the two boys to sort things out for themselves. Zayn huffed from where he stood still leaning intimidatingly over Harry, but Harry didn’t unlock his gaze, nor did Louis.
“Zayn,” Liam said strictly, staying as calm as possible, “let’s go.” Harry saw Zayn look down at him and shoot him a disgusted look, before grudgingly following Liam out of the lounge room. Harry and Louis were left in the silence, still staring at each other, as if trying to figure out what was going through the others mind. Harry didn’t want to hear what Louis had to say about this, he was scared of the string of curse words and horrid names that would come out of the older boy’s mouth. He was scared of the yelling; the breaking of the friendship, but deep down he knew he deserved it. Harry couldn’t do it anymore. He couldn’t just sit in silence, trying to figure out everything the other boy was thinking, guilt snapping at his insides. He couldn’t take the pain bought on by the silence that surrounded them, nor the small flickers of hurt that would flash across Louis’ eyes every once in a while. He just couldn’t do it anymore.
“Louis, I-I’m so sor-“
“No, Harry. Save your apologies for someone who will actually believe them.” Louis’ voice was harsh, full of hate and anger, which was everything Harry expected. He just didn’t expect for it to hurt this much.
“I can’t believe you!!” The Doncaster lad said, his voice getting louder as he stood up and threw his hands in the air. “You’re supposed to be my bloody friend, Harry. Actually, scratch that, you’re supposed to be my best friend. What the hell where you thinking? She’s my girlfriend!! Do you actually not care about me that much that you’ll go sleep with my girlfriend?!?! Are you that freaking shallow?!? Where the hell was I when this was happening, mind explaining that to me Harry?!” He subconsciously took a step closer to harry, causing the younger boy to shrink back in his chair. Not this question, no, he couldn’t answer this, it made everything worse…
“Hospital…” he muttered, finally breaking eye contact with the angry boy and diverting his attention to his lap, where he played with his fingers awkwardly. Louis’ eyes widened as he worked out what Harry had mumbled.
“I.. H.. HOSPITAL? I WAS IN THE BLOODY HOSPITAL WHEN YOU SLEPT WITH MY GIRLFRIEND???!?! Gee Harry, aren’t you just the best freaking friend ever!!” he spat, causing harry to whimper at the sound of pure heartbreak disguised with sarcasm and anger in Louis’ voice. Louis let out a sharp sigh, running his hands though his hair and pacing back in forth in front of Harry, who sat shakily on his chair, watching the distressed boy walk from side to side. He couldn’t believe it. He felt even more terrible than he thought he would. Louis was pacing. Louis never paced. To think that Harry had bought him to the point where he paced, ran his hands through his hair so harshly that it almost pulled chunks out, and had to disguise how much he was hurting made Harry want to be sick. How could he be so cruel? How could he take advantage of the immobile situation of his friend like that? How could he think of his own selfish pleasures than what it would to Louis, the person who picked Harry up when he was down, who held harry when he cried, who was the best friend that Harry ever had? He had truly never been more repulsed by himself. He heard Louis sigh again, and it absolutely crushed him.
“I cannot believe you, Harry. I cannot believe that you would stoop so freaking low! I honestly thought you were better than that, you know. I thought you cared about me more, cared about our friendship more than to just throw it away by doing such a selfish thing!! I thought you actually cared!!” He scoffed, shaking his head. “Well I sure was a dick head to believe that, wasn’t I harry. I was a freaking dick to believe that you would care about anyone other than yourself, wasn’t I!” He had stopped pacing now, and stood directly before in front of harry, arms crossed, words and eyes directed straight at the silent boy. Harry couldn’t force his eyes up to meet Louis’, too afraid of breaking into tears when seeing just how much pure disgust Louis had in his eyes. He was too scared. He was a coward. Louis scoffed again.
"Look at you now, styles. You're such a freaking coward. Whoring around with my girlfriend, you had all the bloody confidence in the world then, didn't you? But now, now you're just weak. You’re too much of a coward to defend yourself, to walk away. So you know what? I'll tell you everything that's on my mind."
Harry gulped, shrinking back even more into his seat. He couldn't listen to Louis anymore, not saying this, not yelling like he was. He couldn’t handle the fact that he’d destroyed everything for the older boy. He couldn't handle what was to come, even though he knew he deserved everything. He couldn't handle to be yelled at by his best friend, but he had lost the privilege to even call him that. He thought he could deal with this - the hate, the anger, and the hurtful words. He got it every day on twitter, he prepared himself to be yelled at, yet, this hurt more than he could have ever imagined it would.
"I think that you're a bloody scumbag,"
The words went straight through Harry’s heart this time, his breath catching in his throat as the horrendous name fell from Louis' lips.
"I think that you're a complete twat who only cares about himself, never ever concerned about the welfare or emotions of others,"
That's not true! Harry wanted to yell. But he couldn’t, his voice had ran away from him and was hidden somewhere Harry couldn’t find, no matter how hard he searched.
"I think that you're an absolute dick that deserves every horrible thing that life throws at you, x 10.”
Stop it stop it stop it!!!! He wanted to yell. He wanted to run, get away from the hurtful words that drove the dagger deeper into his heart. He wanted Louis to - actually, he needed Louis to stop. He couldn't take hurt like this. And Louis of all people should know that. He didn't know what to do. He tried to open his mouth to speak, but no words came. He tried to shake his head, but he was frozen still. He needed to stop Louis from speaking these horrible words, no matter what it took.
"I think you're an absolute shi-"
Harry leapt odd of his seat and surged forward, having no control of his emotions. His brain was drowning, unable to tell him, unable to process what exactly was happening. Before Harry knew it his lips crashed down against Louis', his hands flying to the back of the other boys head to keep them together. He didn't want Louis pulling away, continuing with his violently awful words. He wanted him to shut up and stop talking for a minute, maybe realise that his words were hurting Harry more than he could see.
Louis stumbled back as Harry flew into him, but as soon as he felt Harry lips against his own, was in a state of shock. Of course he wanted to kiss Harry. But not like this. Not when Harry was fuelled only by hurt, not by love. He didn't mean it. He didn't want it.
He didn't want it like Louis did.
TBC .x